So, Veeky Forums, what if the bible was written as a recap of a series of tabletop campaigns?

Come to think of it, much of the Old Testament comes off this way. IIRC, God even took out a bit on the King in one of the books of Kings, oddly, it turned out bad for the hitman, too

There's this /b/ recap that might be what you're looking for.

>David is considered an examplary leader by Jews
>Even in Christian thought he was one of the three good Jews among the Nine Worthies
Explain this.

Classic David.

>Jacob: "I roll to grapple."

>amongst thy bros instead

Please tell me this is an actual excerpt, I don't know shit about the Bible.

You grapple with the angel and though the two of you struggle mightily, he blows your hip right out of its fucking socket.

What do you do next?

jesus
>8 str
>10 dex
>11 con
>20 wis
>17 int
>22 cha

>Eucalyptus 23:19-20
user, there are no bible books named after Australian trees, so that should be your first clue.

Coulda been autocorrect.

I'd say our Eternal Lord and Savior has at least an 18 in Constitution. He survived 40 and 40 nights in the desert with no food or water, and endured violent beatings, whippings, torture, and crucifixion itself without performing any miracles he could've used to escape or remove the pain with ease.

damn, that's right

should've factored that in

Maybe he had the Endurance and Diehard feats.

>filename
Isn't that a brontosaurus

Are you really gonna try to teach Paleontology to Jesus?

Basically, believing in God with all of your heart doesn't alone stop you from being a mere man and/or making really bad decisions.

Jokes on you, I'm a wretched Phoneposter on Clover, I have (You)'s for days.

So the bible advocates bros before hoes?

a story about how 12 guys (a doctor, a government white collar, a old rebel soldier, an underage B&, a young man who will betray them, etc) will help a a tradesman turned priest to build God's Empire on earth while trying to unify their own dispersed and resented people.

Imagine how shit everyone else must be if David is a shining example of "a man after God's own heart".
Also David was making his own decisions.

AHH YOU DICK
GIMME A BLESSING
>such little strength and dex for Jesus
Dat whip scene. Also, at one point he was actually cornered by the Pharisees, but he got away anyway. That's DEX as fuck.

>tradesman turned priest
Nope. Rabbinic training starts in childhood and doesn't stop till you're 30.

Don't forget Paul, aka Vejewta (VeJudah?)

That's the thing, Jesus never was a Rabbi, he was a Carpenter.

>Jesus never was a Rabbi
Then how did he have a ministry? Why did the Jews ever allow him to preach in the synagogue, or the Temple itself?
He probably had carpentry skills - he was raised by his adoptive carpenter father, after all - but he didn't go down that road.

It's true.

That's kind of the thing, he did and he didn't. One of the key components of being a Rabbi is having a city or town get together and decide that you're a Rabbi. When he's called out on this he's all "BITCH PLEASE GOD HAS SANCTIONED MY TEACHING" and it blows their minds.

He didn't have a "ministry" as we think of it now, he just did Rabbi and not-so-Rabbi things.

The Jews need to constantly be railroaded by the DM to keep the campaign salvageable.

>"As your cleric emerges from the mountains, he holds aloft two sacred tablets that--"
>"I roll to see if we can't craft a holy idol out of some of the jewelry we got."
>"What? No in this campaign there's only One God, he'll get pissed if you make stupid idols to others."
>"But I read through the rulebook and there's these pretty cool ones that buff our agility."
>"Fuck it, the cleric breaks the tablets because you're too fucking stupid."

Or

>"You see three strangers approach, they tell you they come seeking the good men and women of your city."
>That guy: "I rape them."
>"Why the fuck are you just trying to rape some random fucking guys?"
>That Guy: "Well I'm Chaotic Neutral, I'm just roleplaying."

Or

>"Your Cleric is presented before the town, beaten and tortured, yet you can see in his eyes he remains unbroken. Next to him is a vicious murderer. The Roman soldier says that only one of them can be let free, and asks the crowd to choose."
>"I try to convince the crowd to choose Barabbas"
>"Why the fuck are you trying to free the murderer?"
>"He's a Rogue, right? We still need one, we can live without a Cleric."

>he just did Rabbi and not-so-Rabbi things.
...was he the game rabbi?

>sodom and gomorrah
>jews
Nope.
Don't forget that Barabbas was an actual insurgent and rebel leader. He was up for the death penalty for instigating a riot.

He wasnt a Rabbi or a priest, we dont know what he did for a living but carpentry is the best choice or he was a NEET and his brother took care of the food. The jews allowed him probably he wasnt preaching stuff thats against their religion, most likely saw him as a true, if maybe misguided, believer until Jesus started laying down the heresy.

>sodom and gomorrah
People keep mixing those stories up. A Lot.

The second one isn't S/G? It's got the rape

No. But he went to parties and the stuck up kids didn't go to and had an awesome time.

once again it's one of those "is/isnt" things. He was teaching things in line with may of his contemporaries. Then again, he also said he was the son of God, so the establishment didn't like that. The more revolutionary stuff was the forgiveness of sins sans blood sacrifice and the jailbreaking the jews sole divine access to God to like, everyone else.

So yeah. They killed him because he told them they aren't special snowflakes.

I was under the impress that other people claimed he was the son of God, but he never made (or refuted) the claim himself.

He was a day laborer. He was from a poor-as-shit village that was right near a rich town; rich because the people there were happily doing business with the Roman. The main industry of Nazareth was walking to the nearby town and helping build big fancy houses for the Jews who were abandoning Jewish tradition to get rich and be Roman. This may have influenced his later views.

Also, guys, Rabbinical Judaism developed out of the diaspora. There were no Rabbis in Jesus's time. There was the Temple, and the Priests. You wanted holy blessings, you went to the Temple and paid the Priests mad dosh. This was the really revolutionary thing about Jesus's whole deal: "No cash necessary, no temple necessary, you can pray directly to god yourself!" Since the Jews were basically a theocracy, ruled by the temple priests, this got him in trouble.

Depending on what Gospel you go to it gets a different emphasis. Mark is a total drama fest that was written to titillate Jews so the "son of God" thing shows up right in the middle at the transfiguration as like the main point of the whole thing.

He refers to God as his father, says he is equal to the Father, etc

You're wrong about the Rabbi timeline. Synagogues show up in response to the destruction of the first temple and captivity. By the time Jesus shows up they're already established in the surrounding communities.

>What do you mean the town has to decide I'm a Rabbi? I've got the class levels right here!

> "You see this Gor-ahm bird on my shoulder? This snow white dove? You see this shit right here? I WALK ON WATER BITCH"

>that moment during the Wilderness Fast when the GM realizes that someone actually read his long-ass setting primer

GM: There is an angry mob outside the house
Player: I kick my wife out the door for them to have fun with.
GM: (GODDAMMIT HOW DID I NOT SEE HE WAS A THAT GUY) "The next morning, she crawls back to you and dies".
Player: "The fuck! I'll cut her corpse up into parts and send round to the tribes to get a blood feud started on these guys."

Truely a religion of love and understanding!

>the players constantly correct their GM

precast spells man

If so, when is the GM gonna make a new game?

We've been stuck on this one for 2,000 years and nothings changed.

after peter died, it turned into a political intrigue game for a while

Motherfucker, where were you when the Crusades?

There was that one splatbook 1400 years ago that we aren't supposed to talk about.

One thing I've wondered about is why did they leave the old testament into the bible at all when they wrote in the new side? They should've dumped it wholesale when they were gathering to decide what writings should be official and what should be apocrypha, it causes nothing but trouble for them. I mean, YHWH is a total fucking psychopath in the former part, but Jay-sys paints a whole different picture of his daddy in the latter. Which inevitably brings up really, really problematic questions; like infallibility. If he's always right, WHY DID HE CHANGE HIS MIND?

(Not to mention the problems the new half creates, like god's plan versus free will. If he put Judas to do all that treachery shit, then why cast the guy, a victim of his GM-tier plotting, into hell?)

Isnt Mark the oldest of the gospels? I remember Jesus being a lot more mystic and such in it, versus John which is pretty clearly theological (and written 50-60 years later).

"In the nineteenth century, the tools of literary criticism were applied to the synoptic problem in earnest, especially in German scholarship. Early work revolved around a hypothetical proto-gospel (Ur-Gospel), possibly in Aramaic, underlying the synoptics. From this line of inquiry, however, a consensus emerged that Mark itself was the principal source for the other two gospels—Marcan priority."
[citation: Wikipedia]

i wouldn't call a bunch of recycled content from the 1st edition and then some more Only War shit a "splatbook"

That was not the result of Judaism. Those were the actions of one mentally disturbed individual, and Israel fought an entire civil war with the Tribe of Benjamin to punish him for his crimes, as God had commanded.

Jesus is cleary a Mary Sue.

Claims to be the son of a Deity, bullshit OP abilities. Muh destiny...

Early Christianity was a sect of Judaism. Later Christians included the OT because it had always been considered part of the Christian canon, and because they mistakenly believed the OT prophesied Jesus.

All in all it was a terrible mistake, imagine if Marcionism had become the mainstream, we'd have been spared a phenomenal amount of asspain.

If there's anyone to complain about, it's David.
>wait hold on I thought you were a bard
>nah son, I got that Warrior Poet subclass
>...we never discussed this
>you never asked!

Yes, but the oldest part of the NT is actually Paul's letters. Well, except for the ones that are later frauds, but that's just a minority of Paul's opus.

>Marcionism
Oh those guys who were gnostics like the cathars right? I think I happened to read about them back when I started playing Crusader Kings II and started googling about the various heresies.

Marcion wasn't a gnostic. He assembled a canon of Christian books that excluded everything Jewish, and was naive enough to think his fellow bishops would go along with him and not just denounce him as a heretic. In an ideal world, the bishops would have appointed Marcion as pope and de-judaified Christianity.

Then the DM is shit because of ongoing meta interactions with the players.

>Killing a thousand men with a jawbone
>Strangling lions
>Superstrength
>Conan who?

Are we sure that isn't the case already?

> The premise of Marcionism is that many of the teachings of Christ are incompatible with the actions of the God of the Old Testament.
Haha wow, no surprise the mainstreamers saw them as dangerous heretics.

He's not wrong, tho. The god of Christianity is not the god of the OT.

only with grins

The Flood is just the DM getting pissed
>Guys, can we get back on track
>>Oh come on, we're just having fun!
>You killed the other player until he left the game, spent like 5 sessions building that bigass tower, and ate the goddamn fruit when I told you not to eat the goddamn fruit!
>>But the snake told us...
>DAMMIT! Can we just get back on track!
>>Hold on, we're just gonna rape this guy real fast...
>THAT'S IT! Guess what? A giant rainstorm comes for 40 days and 40 nights and YOU'RE ALL DEAD! NONE OF YOU SURVIVE! HARD RESET BITCHES!
*2 weeks pass without a session*
*DM calls the guys*
>Hey guys, sorry about flipping out. Look, I made a guy who survived that whole flood thing, so if you want to come back I made a cool campaign with this guy Abraham...

Well the Big J claims the connection multiple times, I don't think there's anything in their rulebook that validates Marcionist view. It just naturally comes out of edition wars when it is observed that the rulesets are incompatible.

>Well the Big J claims the connection multiple times

He really doesn't tho. Jesus was certainly a jew, but he never claimed to be god.

>It just naturally comes out of edition wars when it is observed that the rulesets are incompatible.

Sometimes an edition war leads to a whole new religion. It didn't in the case of Marcion but it would have solved a lot of history's problems if it had.

> Marcionites held that the God of the Hebrew Bible (known to some Gnostics as Yaltabaoth) was inconsistent, jealous, wrathful and genocidal, and that the material world he created was defective, a place of suffering; the God who made such a world is a bungling or malicious demiurge.
These guys really didn't mince their words... funny to think that they were having a /rel/ internet fight nearly two thousand years ago.

Well yes, there's out there both dangerous idiots that think Deuteronomy should be the begin-all end-all of law; and naive fools who haven't even heard of it.

Marcion understood that Christianity, as founded by Saint Paul, was essentially a Greek Mystery Cult in Jewish trappings. His "God the Stranger" is the Agnostos Theos of the Greeks, his Christos is Dionysos Zagreus, and his Demiurge is as much the incompetent architect of Plato as the tribal wargod of the Jews.

>"WHO AMONG YOU WILL CHALLENGE ME", boasts the giant warrior
>I'll accept his challenge!
>David what the fuck are you doing, we're all Level 1
>i'm roleplaying mang
>All you have is a sling, you're gonna get us all TPK'd
>Nat 20
>Nat 20
>Nat 20

>Goddammit David I planned this boss fight to take up the entire session

Just imagine that thing if it was FATAL based

>Sodom campaign
>Rolling for anal circumference was narrowly avoided by DM fiat

Ehud: I want to assassinate the king

GM: well roll for it

Ehud: 20

GM: shit, well I guess you stab him so hard it gets lost in his fat

It is quite Epic in scale, and from a certain point of view, God really kind of is the GM, in a way.