Meanwhile, on Inquisitorial Veeky Forums

>Meanwhile, on Inquisitorial Veeky Forums

EXTERMINATUS!!! Somebody ate my bran flakes! Heretics! Heretics! Heretics! eh.........

Whats for breakfast?

Shut up you Libricar fuck!

You shut up, Billy! I'll, i'll smack yer bottom till its as red as tomater.

Where am i? Who are you?

You represent everything that's wrong with society today! This is exactly why the Imperium needs a complete overhaul in structure and rank, top to bottom!

Does the 40k universe have miniature wargames?

I imagine that they would be used in military schools for teaching tactics and such, maybe in normal schools where they might be used to add a more visual element to mathematics, which I would imagine would be heavily based in mechanics, so ballistic trajectories and such.

but i would imagine they wouldnt be sculpted figures, just counters representing imperial and enemy forces

Every damn day! Don't you guys have anything better to do besides bickering like a bunch of kids? Why don't you occupy yourself with hunting the Emperor's enemies?

Ooooh, here comes the Isstvanian, Mr "We need to put Mankind through trials to ascend our inherent nature!"

If we put everyone through a dropsite massacre there'd be nobody left to even empty the Emperor's chamberpot!

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, Eisenhorn? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Schola, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Eye of Terror, and I have over 300 confirmed psyker kills. I am trained in abhuman warfare and I’m the top witch hunter in the entire Ecclesiarchy. You are nothing to me but just another log of wood for the pyre. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Segmentum, mark my frakking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the astropathic choirs? Think again, heretic. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of henchmen across the Imperium and your rosette is being traced right now so you better prepare for the warpstorm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, juve. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my digi-weapons. Not only am I extensively trained in raising angry mobs of zaelots, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Ministorum relics and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable mutated ass off the face of the hive, you squig. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little “proportionate” show was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking power. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Only the Emperor can Judge your crimes, and only in death can you recieve the Emperor's judgement. You’re fucking dead, juve.

I like bananas in my chamberpot! They're mostly brown.

Yes, Perturabo was well known for running games among his Captains.

Coming to these inquisitorial meetings is some special kind of punishment.
Would rather chase dark eldar in backwater worlds with little to no support.

Anyway, some useful talk.
What are you guys up to?

Just had to deal with Space Wolves who somehow stumbled into a xenos conspiracy on a Fuedal World, I was called in to clean up the mess.

I swear those furry fucks do nothing but get on my nerves, especially their so called "Wolf Priests". How those heretics haven't yet been condemned for Sorcery is beyond me, and if I were of more notable power I'd order the Exterminatus of Fenris in an instant

bump

Oh, the usual. Trying to clean up the mess puritanical idiots compulsively leave behind. Oh, and ACTUALLY HELPING THE IMPERIUM.

Ave Imperator guy, R&D here. I might have a problem. Do you ever encounter a possessed Zoanthrope, and if so, how to deal with it?

Yeah, fuck off to /xno/ and stop crossposting

>how to deal with it?
violently

With concentrated orbital bombardment. Failing that, concentrated artillery fire. Failing that, concentrated plasma fire. Failing that...well, the Emperor Protects.

OH YES, BECAUSE IT REALLY NEEDS HELPING!

If you were any sort of useful, you'd fly to Terra and help me unplug the Golden Throne so the Emperor can be reborn into his new host form and the Imperium can start over!

That would imply the Zoanthrope having his own warp signature, instead of the Hive Mind's. And them said xeno would have to 'psy-wrestle' the daemon.

In short, a very tiny probability. But if you find one, call me.

Someone's spinning you a Baal Bongo, mate.
Tyranids cant get possessed, you daft cunt, so find out who told you that, then punch the Eldar when you do.

But I don't want to go to Terra, the muscly naked guys with the banana helmets make me feel uncomfortable

So what's the best way to combat Orks, short of flamers? I'm chasing down some serious heretics but their trail led to this greenskin-infested shithole desert planet. I wasn't expecting the bastards so all I have is lasguns, autopistols, some weird Ork version of a heavy stubber, and a witch.

You call yourself a Recongregator? You sound more like one of those delusional Revivificationists who think that taking the Emperor off of the Golden Throne WON'T immediately destroy all of mankind. If you were any sort of useful, you'd help me find an answer to the Tyranid question.

Uuu guys, we let the sisters near a group of guardsmen from a back water planet again.

RIP Rolf, son of a Guardsman

How do we stop them

You don't, just let it happen. Letting the Sisters shoot them will just save your Commissar the time and bullets needed for shooting them in the first place.

So we just have them chasing the guard into battle now?

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That's why I say Recongregators are closet heretics.

Just let it happen, m8

Speak Gothic, ya git.

EXACTLY!
Just think about how Econimical it is. Further I had some Magos crunch the numbers, and apparently Guardsmen show a 60% increase in bravery and combat efficiency when being pushed into battle by really angry women instead of men.

Best way to die would be by getting chased off a cliff by hot women, but don't the guards lives matter on paper

Uh.... nothing to see here, no sirree, just forget this comm ever came in, nothing heretical, nono.

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Well actually, technically individual Tyranids do have their own Warp presence. It's just that ususally Warp presence goes to contributing towards, and is protected and observed by, the Tyranid hive mind, overshadowing the Warp with it's sheer Mass and Tyranid-ness. Theoretically, if enough distance were to be put between a Tyranid and the Hive mind, it would be open for daemonic Corruption and possession.

Of course, this would still require the Tyranid, which would be quite a mindless directionless brute at this point, to open it's mind to the Warp, and for a Daemon desperate enough to think "yeah I totally want to posses the Giant bug with no thoughts or emotions that can't even speak Low Gothic and corrupt humans".

>Pointing Sanginius.cogitator

To /xno/? Look, there is too much xeno there. Last thing I've been there, some genestealer where posting.

I would love to, but like said I'm R&D. We are supposed to study the damn thing, to find more effective way to exterminate them. Plus, the team we send had a lot of trouble to capture and transport the foul xenos. I have heard rumor of ghost tyranids on the way, and the ship we're in... By the Empreor, if I found the cheap-assed moron who buy this nearly-space hulk, I'm gonna buld a powerboot to kick his face with.

I'm retracing your cogitator. Prepare your cedentials, sir.

I don't know how it came to be either, but let me tell you, it is. Upon delivery, said abomination tore his containment unit, and the Inquisitor nearby. I've heard they needed a team of space marine and another of special Agents to restrain it again.

Reported.

What?! No, no.
Not now, please. I'm halfway through a thorough, uhm, interrogation with my Eldar prisioner.
Yeah, gotta teach this dirty, arrogant xenos who's charge.

Guardsman here, I know its an automatic execution for non inquisition types to be on here, but Inquisitor Advo specifically said to try and contact you lot if the Mekboy, Tau, Tech Priest, and myself got the damned console working and able to get a signal.

A long story short, we were deployed to the Sicara Sector to protect "strategic assets" of Argonner IV from an ork invasion, although the lads and I were curios to why the Inquisitor was in command...but anyways.

It turned into a frakking shit show M'lords. Eldar, Tau, one of the damned planets in the solar sytem is a Necron Tomb world. The Orks, Chaos fleet, and a Emperor damned Tyranid splinter fleet. But that's not the kicker, oh no. Whatever the Inquisitor was here to get or stop failed, and it seemed half of every army assembled here went mad.

Those who went blinkin mad started carving weird symbols on themselves, ripping off any icons or defacing them. I have come to understand its part of an ancient Terran alphabet and its the two letters, GW.

These nutters shout about their "God Wreckers" and how everything will stand still, all will grind to a halt and nothing shall come to be. Emperor damned mental cases, throne's sake if a portion of the navy and a good chunk of the tyranids didn't loose their shit, these basket cases would of gotten off world and spread their vile trash to who knows how far.

In any case, those of us who are still sane have had to band together to fight them off. I'm sharing trench with every stripe. Emperor's Teeth its like a bad holo drama or sitcom. But we need everything you lot can spare, we cannot let these freaks win, I fear it would mean the end of us all if they escape.

Also side note. Its not heretical enough to be executed fighting shoulder to shoulder with xenos and traitors, with my fellow guardsmen, loyal space marines, and the sisters when the stake of our whole existence is threatened...right?

WAMUU

>FILTHY HERETICS GET OFF MY INQUISI-WEB, REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

>Unplugging the golden throne

I hope the Custodes rape your ass to death, fuckin' heretic.

I think you'll find little of his body will be left to rape if he so much as tried to approach Our Most Glorious Emperor.

What questions do all enjoy using to corner heretics in court prior to their execution?

I'm a fan of "Would you worship the Emperor if he was a heretic?". If they say yes, they die. If they say no, they die. If they tell me that's a stupid question, they die for heresy because I hear the Emperor himself made it up.

So what's your secret weapon? A barrel full of Jakaero?

I would assume such abusers of power such as you, heresy should be quite familiar.

Drunken Jakaero

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>cont.

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I see what you did there.

A sentient Lictor that has ended up as a loyal agent, a talented infiltrator, and an excellent conversationalist.

Kinda stick out tho.

A new form of Exterminatus.
I call it Samus

I Hereby formally summon you for a ceremony for this new "Exterminatus"

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You'd be surprised. The reason he's sentient is that he's a mutation of the Ymgarl strain. So far as I can tell, his "condition" cuts his connection to the Hive Mind and gives him the ability to transform, but he's required to feed on copious amounts of blood every so often. He may look a little "off" when he's changed into a more human form, but he'll pass a cursory examination.

I must protest honorable Custodes, the Exterminatus device needs a decent amount of time to charge between uses, and can be..."temperamental" when mishandled

You will not be leaving this ceremony. For your Heresy, I sentence you to death. Heresy of defiance of the Emperors will to not consort with Dishonored Primarchs

Its not me that is trying to defy the Emperor's Will, She is the one that refuses to attend such things

you would do well to let her go, and redact all records concerning her.

EISENHORN DID NOTHING WRONG.

I did it! Though it wasn't very gold. It floated, and there were lots of spikes about, and a lot of Eldar, and the Emperor didn't seem very psychic.
But I unplugged him and lopped off his head for good measure! Should see him in his new host form aaaaany seeeecond...

The eldar kept telling me I killed 'rekt' or something...

...Yes, great job. You're a hero to the Imperium. Wrong was I, right were you. Now, I suggest you tell the Adeptus Custodes what you did so that they can reward you sufficiently and prepare to attend the Emperor.

Anyone else here hate the Eldar in particular? The assholes captured one of my acolytes recently.

At least they probably won't soul rape him like the Dark Eldar scum. I used to investigate on such case. Had to end what was left of him. It wasn't pretty. At least they are more reasonable than a bunch of Orks. If not, he will gloriously die in service to the Great Emperor.