40k grand tour

This week on the Grand Tour- Armageddon Special

I do donuts in an Eldar Hornet
James talks about Tau cuisine in his Devilfis
And Hammond runs over orks with a baneblade.

The tent is pitched in Hades Hive, over a dark background of poverty, and no sunlight.

>camera pans over studio
>clapping
> Jeremy: Thank you, Thank you! Today we will be heading out of the hive into the wasteland killing some xeno scum! I feel so giddy with joy that I could pleasure a Grox
>James: There are families watching this, you know that.

>Jeremy: Today, we will be heading out of the Hive to purge Orks in the emperors name
>Hammond: Oh bloody hell.

Someone better have caps of the previous thread.

This is the first.

>Jeremy: Alright then, let's begin.
Camera changes to the outside of the hive.
>James: I'm here in this baggy environmental suit, which is probably as long as slanneshes transgender testicles
>James: Today I will be presenting to you, with the eccisarshys permission, the new Tau Devilfish.

>James: IT offers leg room for about twenty Fire caste warriors, along with a twin linked pulse cannon and a burst cannon at the front. This also has new Voxnav (although only available in Tau lexicon for the time being), more cup holders, and also comfier seats than those offered on Imperial tanks.

>James: Along with easier steering, and cogitator controlled systems, its a bloody damn good tank.
>Suddenly, a horn replica of an Imperial litany fills the sky
>A Baneblade appears!
>Hammond: Hello there James, I see your inner heretic has resurfaced itself again!
>James: What the bloody hell! Some poor IG regiment on some hellhole could have used that Baneblade!

Hammond: Well-yes but they are dying in the emperors name, obviously
Hammond: Let me show you how Imperial tanks hopelessly outclass filthy Xeno heretic tanks
James: Look, The Adeptus Mechanicus literally worships a C'tan. A FUCKING C'TAN
Hammond: Yes, but the Baneblade does relie on treads to get along, but it has 11 barrels of hell! Along with 12 gears, and with a special sword comaprtment, it obviously better than your Devilfish

>James: That's not a valid emough reason, just because you have 11 bloody barrels doesn't make your tank superior
Just as we were arguing, a high pitched zoom filled the air.
An Eldar Hornet Appears

Posting in an epic thread!
Someone better archive this.

Jeremy steps out
>Jeremy: You two might think that the Eldar are stupid, but, they are not, with this work of engineering, the new Eldar Hornet. With twelve gears, speeds up to 400 Kph, and twin linked lasers, it'll surely make chao's day for sure
>Hammond: Well, it looks like a gentlemens sausage, just like every single eldar work, and it's gay
>James: Hang on, thats offensive
>Jeremy: God-emperordammit, do you want to get us fired again.

>hammond: I see it has a couple of spikes, where did you get it from
>Jeremy: Commoragh.
>Hammond: What. Did you also get some free BDSM prostitutes with your purchase as well?

>Jeremy: Well, no, but then again it is a marvelous peice of techonology, even DAoT humanity couldn't match with this
>James: You see, Jeremy. In the DAoT, the baneblade Hammond is driving is basically a "light scout tank". Also, the Eldar will never be the same. You're in a mode of nostalgia, All the Eldar did was masturbate to BDSM porn and eat and shit. That is all they did. That led to a hole being torn through realspace and forming a new bloody chaos god. How can I even call this Marvelous?
>James: Not to mention, you got it from the dark eldar, who live in a webway city, the average walk there is like that one old movie... Inception. I get nauseous every single time I go there. Also your gonna get kidnapped and raped. They have no problem in Ripping your anus apart, and filling it with Tabasco sauce. That is a normal day at the office for them.

Our conversation was interrupted rudely by the producers
>Hammond: What's this?
Jeremy puts on his glasses
>Jeremy: You will head to hive infernus, go into the jungles of the equator, fight some feral orks, and stop all in time for a cup of tea at hive volcanus.

>Hammond: Thats easy, lasguns and bullets do well on Orks
>James: So do railguns
.Jeremy:and so do lasers

Alright guys, Catachan productions The Grand Tour is interrupted by a commercial break (I know there is not any, but just pretend there are in this version.). What are your thoughts so far, fa/tg/guys

...

Right

Cont.
>Jeremy: Lets go
The crew sets off to the Armegeddon sky, while the smog covers their escape.

>James: As you can see, contless viewrs oer one million worlds, the Tau have hover technology, which reverses gravity. This helps the userf have a very smooth ride to wherever you want to go. Its probably smoother than the imperiums history.

>Hammond: Alright, James is being very heretical. You know what, the Baneblade doesn't offer that much of a smooth riding emperiance, but it can tackle rough terrain, with its caterpillar treads and its 11 barrels of hell. It also is quite good to look at for the average gaurdsmen, it provides the old gothic style along with some new modern features (courtesy of the Admech). Deimos Tank LTD has really done a great job with this.

Jeremy: I'm Just going to say this here and now, both of these guys are arguing over terrible tanks. The eldar hornet is an ultra-fast recon tank which the guard should take inspiration from. It has Voxnav, unlike Hammond's tank, with all the fear about AI. With twelve gears, and a 600 kph top speed, this is perfect for those who like speed. It sadly lacks in the way of convenience, as there are no bloody cup holders. And the seats aren't as comfortable, but the sheer thrill will distract you from it.

>Narrorator: While we were driving across the main road to Hive Infernus, we saw some orks
>Hammond: look! Orks! Wait... They're too short, and annoying
>James: Those are gretchins...Why is there a red star in the middle?
>Narrator: These Ork xenos, speaking in their heretical tongue were part of the Gretchins Revolutionary commitee
>Jeremy: So... Commie orks? Thats interesting.
>Nararrator; Our observations were ruined by an ork wartrukk unloading its cargo on them.
>Jeremy: I'm setting up camp. Let's drink some beer while watching communist gretchin get ripped in half.
>So we sat
>Hammond: This is why I brought eleven barrels of hell.
>*CANNONS FIRE*

There was a good one about d&d a few weeks ago, I wanted to screencap it but instead went to bed and slept for twelve hours.

>Jeremy:HAMMOND!
>Hammond: I'm so sorry Jeremy, you know what, lets switch this on.
>bolters fire
>Jeremy:Hammond!!!!!!!!!!
>James: Oh cock, thats why I bought the Devilfish, good accoustic cancellation, i'll give those tau xenos that.

That would be interesting to watch. Also, I have always thought about how a warhammer40k version of topgear/ The Grand Tour would look like.

>tfw just imagine james slowly driving an Capitol Imperialis

>James, please speed up?
>Slow and steady wins the race.
>Not in the Warp, mate.