The most messed up campaign I have ever run

Hi all. I ran a game a while back that I think may be worth sharing. It was a high-level Pathfinder Game that very quickly devolved into the chaos that I know a lot of you tend to appreciate, and I was wondering if you guys would be interested in hearing what went down.

Feel free to share.

>Ancient carthage.
Is your campaign like world of darkness?
or just a shitstorm.

Welp, here we go.

Before we start, I feel I should establish the setting that all of this shit went down in. If any of you want to steal this setting for your own games, feel free. Just know that it does some seriously fucked up things to players.

So everyone's played a game where the GM has banned a character for being too damn powerful or aggressive. The frenzied berserkers, the god wizards, the goddamn physicist who has decided to use his knowledge to utterly wreck your game world. Chances are the character was killed in some incredibly cheap way by the GM and never discussed again. The question arises, however, as to where these characters go.

My answer to this was a demiplane called Ludus, a massive prison dimension that was created by the gods to seal the souls of powergamers away so that they could no longer trash games. If a character has ever horrifically derailed a game, you can bet that they are here somewhere. Henderson, the psionics-destroyer, you name it and they have had their souls thrown here for eternity.

Now, the wards that seal this place off were built by the gods, and are capable of blocking literally ANYTHING that tries to get out. The intent was so no more insane wizards or other casters could ever get out, but it had some unintended side effects. Any souls that wind up here are trapped here for good, and that includes creatures that wind up here as a result of summoning spells and planar binding. At least three demon lords (Pazuzu included) have been conjured to Ludus, and none of them lasted long. On top of that, conflicts on the plane have literally driven many outsider races to extinction. Any outsider that can cast Wish or Miracle has literally been milked dry from their respective planes to fight here, and their souls aren't able to leave Ludus once some conjurer gets lucky.

Alright, I'm sold based on just the setting. You have my undivided attention.

A few problems.
>Phylactery.
>Souls are sacrificed to the gods.
>Anti-magic.
>You get turned into a djinn.
>You get turned into a golem. (dragon age style)
>Magic wards.
>Soulless Character. (fuckin satanic kender)

Now for some other campaign info

Every character manifests on the plane with a copy of every book that they used to make the character. If somebody was playing a tengu rogue with a pair of katanas, they manifest with the core rulebook, advanced race guide, and ultimate combat in their hands. The catch is that destroying their book strips a person of their abilities from it, so torching somebody's sourcebook can remove all of their class levels and feats from that book (it can even destroy their race, at which point they become a formless mass with no race abilities).

Back when there were only like 5 or 6 people on the plane, an accord was put together that any copies of the Epic Level Handbook and Serpent Kingdoms were to be burned as soon as they were detected on the place (the last epic level spell ever used on the plane put that contingency in place). This is the only reason why Pun-Pun hasn't taken over, but after what went down that may have been a mercy on this poor place.

As more and more powergamers fell into this nightmare, war inevitably broke out. Naturally, the god wizards started dominating, using infinite spell loops to construct militias that would make the legions of hell look like a couple of guys with baseball bats. The war ended up terraforming Ludus in some hilariously catastrophic ways, which I will get to later.

The war was finally put to an end by Arbiter, a god-killer who had found a way to craft custom artifacts and refused to share his secrets. As the first person to arrive in Ludus, he saw himself as responsible for keeping law and order in the colossal hellhole of a plane. It was decreed by law that anyone who could cast 6th-level or higher spells would be banished to the northern territory of Ludus, else they would be targeted by every powergamer on the plane and would eventually wind up with Arbiter coming down on their sorry ass.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let me tell you about what the players did.

>Malal you are banished to the retconian!

>a setting based on metagames past
nice

Now this is where I introduce you to the "Alpha Party", a group of three characters who were the first people I tried this on but who didn't last long.

The first was Ringo, a troll with levels in bard whose instrument of choice was a church bell he had enchanted with a whole bunch of weapon enhancements. One of them apparently let him hit things while ignoring miss chance, so he ruled that it let him smack people as part of starting his bardic performance.

The second character was one who I'll call Worthless James, a beguiler who was very very very new to Pathfinder/3.5 (we played with both) and though that the most effective thing he could do as a beguiler was throw magic missiles every turn and dual-wield crossbows when he ran out of spells. This was all he did for the entire game, and at the end he got angry at me for having his character feel useless.

And the last one is the stuff of legends, an abomination that I will always remember as the quintessential aspect of this campaign: The horny half-orc known as Stuirkenondatpart.

Now, the character didn't have a name at first. The title was a result of me asking the player the name of his character and hearing him half-heartedly mumble "Still working on that part" (say it fast and in a Minnesota accent and you wind up with the name listed above). From this point on, I'm calling him Stu.

Stu's backstory was that he was a character in a magical realm campaign who had been killed by the GM for disrupting the game too much (as is the case with everyone here). He was a CE Barbarian/Bard multiclass with the determination to make everyone else at the table as uncomfortable as possible as quickly as possible. His defining traits were a love of naked sunbathing, a compulsion to shove the eyeballs of fallen foes in his orifices, and a 17-inch orc penis which he was determined to jam into everything he saw. Now, Stu is probably the most insane concept that comes up here, but he won't be the only one I bring up.

>Bard Troll who wields an enormous church bell
Stealing this, although technically trolls and churchy stuff don't mix so well

Reminds me of the Holy Tome archetype of Pathfinder. Holy dudes who just smack people with their book. Awesome.

So the party wakes up in the southern part of the plane, which by this point is so unnaturally scarred by magic that it could never be mistaken for anything else. The sun burns purple, the sky is in constant sunset colors, and on top of all that the terrain has been scorched to the point where nothing remains but red sand charged with the souls of millions of fallen metagamers.

Naturally, the first thing Stu decides upon in this world is that he is going to do lines of the red sand off the flat of his greatsword. He takes enough wisdom damage to nearly kill him before turning to the other party members and telling them he's had better.

After a little while getting their bearings together, the party comes across another wanderer, a 10th-level wizard prowling the wasteland looking for swag. The wizard introduces himself, and right then Stu makes his move.

Stu took the feat that allows a person to make a diplomacy check as a standard action at a penalty. The catch is that he had invested almost all of his resources in diplomacy, from skill ranks to feats to putting 18 in his Charisma score as a barbarian. This guy had a nigh-unbeatable diplomacy check, and it didn't help that he rolled nothing below a 14 the entire campaign.

The very first thing he did was try and talk the wizard into anal. Even with every sensible penalty I could come up with, he still made the check.

Not wanting to let this devolve into a magical realm just yet, I decided that some wandering daemons came across the party and attacked (oh yeah, just because summons stay here doesn't mean they stay loyal. Summoners usually have a short lifespan on this plane if they don't pick up on that). Stu, his enormous want lodging itself in the wizard's intestines, decides that he wants to have a bit more fun than a sorry old NPC could provide. As soon as they can hear him, he starts making diplomacy checks to make the daemons give him horsey rides.

what

Shhhh /d/ will hear you.
Don't let them know what's happening.

Protip: write it, then post

Guess what? He makes it three times in a row, riding around for a few minutes on each daemon before he decapitates them and moves on to the next one. After three of them have been killed in this way, I decide to say screw it and up the DC of the diplomacy check on the last daemon a little more as a result of GM fiat.

It is at that moment that Stu rolls his first natural 20 of the campaign.

The final daemon goes down just like the other three, and by that point the wizard needs an out. He offers the players transport back to the city of bronze (a massive fortified city allegedly built to protect the more vulnerable members of society from being eviscerated in the desert but also enabling rogues and other social monkeys to dominate everyone else). As soon as the players give consent, however, the wizard decides to ditch them by teleporting them over a volcano and fleeing with overland flight. Since none of the players took feather fall in spite of all being casters, they were now plunging towards a fiery death trap. My plan was for this to be a restart, because I did not want Stu getting anywhere near the city of bronze. What happens next is will put Stu and Ringo on every druid's kill list for a long time.

The both of them took summon monster I as a spell, and spend their entire daily allotment of spells on summoning dolphins as they fall from the sky. The result is an impromptu raft of fiendish and celestial dolphins that the players land on, which thanks to elemental resistances is durable enough to give the party the ability to move to shore before the raft burns to death. They do this by using Stu as a paddle, because being a barbarian he still has enough HP to survive being shoved in lava repeatedly.

As soon as they make it to shore, they are immediately attack by a golem piloted by a swarm of awakened bees (I literally made that up on the spot). Ringo starts going nuts with his bell while James runs around being absolutely useless. Stu starts circling around the golem for two rounds before realizing his dick can’t penetrate anywhere on the thing, at which point he decides to opt for a strategy that is somehow worse.

Stu enters a rage, which is indicated by a raging erection (when I say that Stu wore nothing but a breastplate, I mean NOTHING BUT BREASTPLATE). Rushing towards the golem, he starts going nuts with his sword while also tacking on damage with his Spirit Totem rage power (which he had reflavored as a supernaturally powerful cum stream that dealt damage). After a very, very uncomfortable series of full attacks, the golem is smashed, causing the swarm of bees to rush out and start swarming the players.

It is here where Stu reveals his second-to-last build secret: the dreadful carnage and demoralizing display feats. He can’t hurt the swarm with his sword, so he decides to attack a single bee with his sword and intimidate the rest (he succeeds). The bees are shaken, so he decides to kill another bee and then frighten the other bees (his second natural 20 of the campaign). At this point, I need some time to make sense of what happened, so I declare an end of session and go back into my room to bang my head on a wall a few times.

Eventually, I pull myself together, and announce that if I’m going to deal with these characters, I will do it organically, because it would be mean to mysteriously kill off a game breaker in a setting that satirizes doing just that. I put together an encounter for the next that I’m pretty sure the players are not reasonably equipped to handle, and decide that Stu is going to learn a painful lesson about decency.

By the way, for those wondering about the logistics of Ludus and the movement of souls, the gods just plane shift soulless creatures off to the plane with no spell resistance or save (there are ways to get both in certain builds). The whole plane is open season on kenders, which is why nobody sees them around.

filthy. continue, please.

So the next game starts a week later in my basement, and useless James is now AWOL (not that we noticed). Stu and Ringo are the only members of the party, and I’m thinking that I can take them. The guardians of the City of Bronze are a spiked chain fighter with permanent giant size and a kineticist who specializes in sundering with the energy missile. Both had items that enabled them to resist diplomacy, enabling them to fight off Stu’s incredibly orcish charms.

The party of two arrives at the gates of the city and are asked a series of questions about their business. The kineticist (who for flavor reasons I decided had his arms torn off at one point in his existence) is sitting on a wall ready to smash any weapons the players pull out. Stu takes an opposite approach, using his max ranks in stealth to try and sneak behind the fighter and start probing his anus (third nat 20 of the campaign). The fighter eventually notices his pants dropping and goes after Stu. Ringo pulls out his bell and starts swinging it only to have it smashed by the kineticist (both players booed as soon as they heard this). However, Ringo simply used summon instrument to grab another ridiculously enchanted bell as per the cantrip (it says exact copy in the SRD, and I hated him for this).

After a lot of fighting about what penalties a creature gets on attack rolls when targeting a creature grasping onto his leg, both Ringo and Stu are nailed with psionic blast and dragged forcibly into the City of Bronze maximum-security prison (a cleric, who came late to the session, follows willingly, actually helping to keep them subdued). Stu winds up in a cell with a halfling fighter, whom he promptly subdues, taking whatever attacks of opportunity that entails and jamming his dick so deep that it sticks out the halfling’s mouth. A guard sees this and hits Stu with a ranged touch of idiocy, which only makes him forget that he is buck naked with a dead halfing as a cock ring. Eventually he is forced into the prison yard (which is of course deep underground. The city isn’t stupid) and encounters a warforged paladin who was held for smiting one too many NPCS. Overpowering the warforged in unarmed combat, Stu drills a hole in the warforged where the rectum should be and starts raping the crap out of the metal man, which reduces the halfling on his dick to a particularly bloody lubricant.

The cleric and kineticist eventually show up to stop this mess, and Stu is surprisingly cooperative when he realizes that the person he is talking too is immune to diplomacy and has the capacity to kill him from long range. The cleric places a mark of justice on Stu to paralyze him the next time he sticks his cock in a creature without consent, so Stu decides to be a bit more subtle for his final trick. After about twenty questions about how the kineticist masturbates, he asks the kineticist to see the legal papers documenting his arrest. The kineticist goes and produces a copy, and it it that point when Stu looks them over and rolls a natural 20 on a forgery check to rewrite them as a consent from the kineticist. He grapples and starts raping the kineticist while avoiding them mark of justice thanks to this obnoxious loophole.

So you dont know how deplomacy actually works? Not even reading the rest.

Its not fucking mind control.

Woah now user.
Give it a chance. No need to be so.....
aggressive.

At this point, I have had it with Stu, and vow that next session he will pay for all of this. However, Stu’s player then announces that he won’t have time to do any more games for a while and leaves the group (until the very last session, which I will get to). Ringo then announces that he wants to change characters and we never see his troll bard again.

Now, the second part of this story (with the Beta Party) is longer and just as messed as this. I'm way too tired to write it our right now, but will get around to it at some point this week. I will say that it involves the cleric getting a tommy gun and Ted Cruz going on a claymore killing spree, so that's something to look forward to.

Also, if somebody has not already sent this to 1d4chan, I envision that it would be a good idea to do so at some point.

Going fo the fame.
respect
be careful though

put me in the screencap

He better bring me for being one of the first.
I need me fame too BOI

>He grapples and starts raping the kineticist while avoiding them mark of justice thanks to this obnoxious loophole.

PERFECT
this is so gonna end up in /d/ isn't it.

christ

He can't save you.

>Entire story is magical realm "orc rape wat do" fake bullshit

That's not even how Summon Instrument works, asshole.

Well, he perhaps just stole the church bell

It's literally a setting built to imprison powergamer characters, said characters getting copies of the bullshit rulings they abuse. Of course that's not how Summon Instrument works with any sane setting/DM.

Everyone involved in this tale has completely lost their minds and it's fantastic.

...this is amazing. the half-orc player deserves beer. Give him beer.

Aren't bees considered vermins ?
Aren't vermins immuned to mental effect and the likes ?

Rule written, Bees can indeed be intimidated individually.

Fucking yes.