Mages Guild: Gender Disparity Edition

>Highfive
Expand like rabbits? How progressive of us.

Is needing to use the restroom still a problem we haven't removed? I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years.

uhh excuse me but who even are you?

No wonder you're so stuck up.
>Highfives self
>Someone kill him already

Uhm... I could go back in time to when we didn't have this problem, grab a copy of myself, then bring him here... would that help?

I used to be a man, does that count?

equality before equity lad

Yes, very. What's your point?

I believe the Archwizard's statement was an exaggeration. Perhaps you're so indignant because it's true?
I have your file right here, is there anything you'd like me to add?
>Priscilla smiles curtly at you, waiting.

It's more of an aesthetic thing.
>She eyes you up and down.
Dressing like that, you probably wouldn't understand.

I manage the Guild's front desk. I happen to be so fabulous at my job that none of you even know I'm there.

Wait that was supposed to be a joke, You were actually proposing it?

If you can make an argument for your past self being a member separate for yourself, I'll take it.

wow!
so uhh can i just like summon a bunch of peopel to join?

At least I don't dress like I'm confused about my gender.

While you're on that, I can't find my creator so I was hoping maybe one of you could patch me up? I also can't find my left arm.

She looks kinda like this, by the way. Those are my older brothers next to her.

>Glug, the sea-elf head of Oozemancy, walks in
I think the word you are looking for is prejudice.
Also, I think he was making an example.

But I would like more men around. Hard to make friends with most of the women around here.

Well, I, er, I suppose as long as we're not in the same room, they won't be able to tell, right?

Right, right, that.

What's wrong with most of the women?

Excuse you I just got my first boyfriend a few days ago!
>Eeps
>Covers her mouth

Well, we need to get more members, specifically males. How we go about doing that isn't my problem.

Entirely uninvolved people who have no idea what magic even is?
Sure. Just bring them all by me.

Save your hot air-omancy for someone who cares, Miss Ariedaeonis. I'm just doing my job.

Well, do you look exactly like your past self? My guess is not. You can probably pass as brothers.
>She floats a paper out of the pile.
Want me to put that down?

>sam summons up a bunch of neets

Aghh, I got me-self a Ice Golems arm I was gonna save for me next experiment.

Buuut I thanks you might be able to use it laddie.

Just hold still and let me slap it on 'er.

"Uhm yeah, just-just put that down as brothers. I'm sure my past self won't mind being the runt..."

"OH MY GOD, WH-what are they?! They smell horrible!"

Idunno, a bunch of guys.

Uh... you don't get to bring friends.

Oh did you now?
>She floats out another paper. A pen levitates above it expectantly as she rests her head on her steepled hands.
And who might that be, hm?

>Priscilla curls her lip a little.
I didn't expect them to be so unanimously... Unwieldy.
Do you have any other options that you could summon in?

Done.
>One of the floating pens gracefully writes something on a paper before tucking it back into a drawer.

They like to gossip and such things.
Not really a gossip person.

I remember some unaffiliated mages in my travels.
Want me to try contacting some of them?

Does mud work?
Nevermind, looks like she got it.
Unless she'd rather see if the mud works.

Why not?
Who are you?

Me, Priscilla.
I'm her boyfriend.
How've you been? Any... interesting characters try and get in?

Personally I'd rather see more non-human mages. Or is it nonelven? I always forget which way round it is with the ears.

In any case, I don't think the Guild has done recruitment in years so far as I can tell. People just wander in and so long as they have a robe or funny hat nobody minds.

"Well g-get RID of them! They smell worse than the Abominations we made in class the other day! Or at least throw them in the p-pool!"

"So uh... where, um, where should I put him? I think I may have gotten a "me" who is magically inert, still. Er."

hmmmm i could always try summoning some orcs.

Here is the coffee for today's meeting, along with all the paper work everyone needs to catch up on

Uh...

>Blushes

Him.
>Points at Glug

I don't gossip. I don't know many women who do, actually.

Bahhh, no offense but everyone here worth their salts knows ice is superior to your goop.

"Um, M-mortimer, would you mind helping me in getting rid of these... SAM! Y-you called these things NEETS?!... yeah, those... er, they're defacing furniture in strange orange dust, and they're leaving a film wherever they step!"

I don't think they're allowed in the pool

Apologies, I'm a bit late, a bit late but I've caught up to the order of the day. And before I bring up the important matter I attended this meeting to begin with -namely the requalification of light mages to a more dignified "lasermancer" status), I have to ask.

Amongst the assistance today. How many of the women are under glamor, targetted reincarnation, or wearing a belt of opposite gender? Because handling that seems more on-point than just "getting more dudes"

That's good. I'd stay away.

Rude. I was offering an alternative because I heard you saying you were saving the ice arm for something.

Does anyone even check the paperwork? I'm beginning to think it's just traditional at this point.

It wasn't booked by the Oozemancy department again was it? Took weeks, last time...

more than you'd think but not as much as to make a difference

I said 'no offense' so that obviously makes it not rude!

...With all due respect, it's not like I have anyone I can exactly call on.

Then again, why can't we try some sort of recruitment advertising? Surely there's enough nice-looking female mages to make the idea a bit attractive.

Yes, that would be delightful. Any and all men you can find.
How delicious.
>The pen scribbles away on the paper. You might be able to hear a tiny giggling sound as it does so.
Thank you for asking, dear. I've been well, things have been going relatively smoothly at the front. It became a little -- mm, awkward, you could say -- when we wandered into the Nor Marches for a hot second, but that's all blown over.
As for interesting characters... Nothing too eclectic. There was a rather rude young lady who barged her way in a few days ago. I haven't seen her since.

He's your past self, correct? Where ever the two of you decide is best. You might think to throw him in class with the redrobes, but that can often be rather... Dangerous.

Orcs?!
>She takes off her glasses, cleaning them with a soft cloth she pulls from a drawer.
Heavens, no orcs. Spare us all from that surely excruciating experience.

Ohohoho, I know, dear. He just told me.
>She gives you a foxy smile.

They do their paperwork because who would dare argue with a giant that makes the best coffee in the whole universe?
How did they even get in here?

but we don't have any orc wizards. maybe 10
>he summons 20

I have traveled all this way to find a worthy apprentice to my arts before I pass into the next life, any man capable enough to carry on my tradition

First of all, I will kidnap whoever the hell I want to! I will steal people from the druids and turn them into their opposites if you tell me not to do something!

For that reason I am going to offer invitation to every witch, warlockette, and femage that I can find. You don't tell me what to do, old man!

"Er, Sam the Summoner tried to summon a group of Wizards, I think he may have used some bad spell ingredients... they're CALLING themselves wizards... but... erm."

"WHY WON'T YOU STOP?!? OH GODS!"

I am currently under the effects of a Moste Dire and Ancient Curse which I have been unable to unravel and therefore intentionally put on A Tremendously Cursed Belt Of Gender Swapping to return me to my original form.

so idk what That counts as

Yes, sorry, we were practicing water slimes and things got... out of hand. In a fun way, but still.
We're working on making our own pool in the department so it can be left to me to manage.

It was rude to bring it up when I was trying to help.
And slimes and oozes are great! Did you know I have frost oozes?

Alright, I'll contact them.

And yeah, I heard about that mess. As much as I'd love to meet my girlfriend's people I'd rather keep the Mages Guild as far away as possible.

I know a guy that would willing to be your apprentice.

The coffee is a good argument. A very good argument. Speaking of which, grabbing a mug.. also I think they were... Summoned in? Might be conjured, or apparated. One of those anyway. Probably.

I wouldn't look here. I really wouldn't. We're all mad here. Even me, I've been here too long. Good coffee though.

Then, how about we amplify the effect. Seize the belts of gender change, and put them on ladies for them to attend session. It will at least solve the esthetic imbalance.

I mean, my first instinct involved lasers in the women's bathroom, but we don't want ANOTHER "disco ball incident"

Addendum: The curse Moste Dire is a curse of Gender Reassignment.

Stop smiling like that.

Not me!

Don't worry, I will.

Yeah, that works!

That too. Honestly either way works for now.

You must bring me to him as soon as possible
I'd look elsewhere but I was turned away from the fighter's guild for my "weeaboo fightan' magic"

I mean, I think you could, but...well, I'm sure Amity would love to be on it, as well as potentially Faustine and Seithr if I can tone their outfits down a bit. Emilia doubtlessly has that thing with the spotlight that she adores...maybe a few others?

I mean, it shouldn't be too hard for me to draw a few things up~

>the orcs, being orcs, each grab some unlucky witch and run off
huh. I would have though that at least a few of them whoul have wanted to learn magic. well, it still helps solve the problem, shall I summon more?

okay, but who should we belt?

frost oozes!

Crazytalk and poppycock, I've never heard of such a substance and refuse to believe in such a fantastical crossbreed substance.
>Furiously looking through book of 'frost fiends and other polar creatures'

Why thank ye, a certain head of Oozemancy has offered a less useful alternative for you to consider but I trust you'll make the right choice.

I don't know, the disco ball was rather fun.

You're not a bound spirit are you? I could give you a retuning if that's the case. You don't have to say how you're powered if you don't want to, mind! I know it can be touchy for some.

Oh.. that sort of er, magic. There are some sorts like you around, I think. I know we have magic swordsmen at least.. maybe start with the eldritch knights.

Good.
>He holds and squeezes her hand
How are the outfits?

Well unless she wants to save the ice arm, she has it.

I'll contact him.
>He takes out his sending gem and contacts someone

>He summons a crystallized frost ooze hammer that looks like it's made of ice
>He gives a smirk
>Fuckin' elves...

Random women, would be my first instinct. Maybe go on a roulette kind of thing, unless we have a luckinetist. Or, wait wait wait, better option. How about the archmage gives a grant to departments whose heads accept gender belt wearing during reunions. After all, if you want effect, gold speaks. Well, gold, mithril, astral diamonds... And I'm not refering to that time where the profile on each of the kingdom's coin got animated...

>The lengthily bearded man makes an attempt to walk through the halls quietly, carrying a very large sack over his shoulder, which was currently squirming and making muffled, angry noises.
Boy, those druids sure are trusting, their boss didn't even question when I bound and gagged him. Must be a freak.

>Her eyes boggle.
We don't have any orc wizards for a reason! They're brutes who, on the whole, couldn't care less about casting spells, let alone studying them!
...But I suppose they ARE rather sufficient in terms of the manliness we're lacking here.

>She glares at you over her glasses.
Do you have any idea how much more annoying that would make my job? My cabinets for female members are nearly full, I'd have to go buy more!

I agree wholeheartedly. Just imagine, the brutes walking in the front door every day, either trying to kill us all or searching for a new farm animal to ruthlessly defile.
>She shudders.
What a repulsive land.

>She leans back in her chair with her mouth agape.
Oh, what is it dear? I'm just excited for you~ Love must be so foreign to you, given your place of origin.
>Priscilla pretends to wipe away a tear, sighing.

Well, the results of the pool were rather tasty, after that gastromancy helped fix it. Actually been half-hoping for another jell-o incident.

"NO! Gods damn it man, I could summon better than you! And I'm not e-even a summoner! I could probably f-flesh shape a better wizard!"

Right, yeah, them...

Ehhhh...

Done, but I really don't want to wear mine...

Hey, we love each other there!

my name is billy. i have no magical talent whatsoever, but ive been shipped here by my noble father because my voice makes mommys hangover worse.

Hey, don't get me wrong, I LIKED the disco ball. But at the end of the day, the bodycount just wasn't worth it.

"Wait, uhhhm, you have their leader in that sack?"

...

"Can we k-kick it some?"

I cast Dispel Magic.

>billy remains unimpressed
i thought wizard magic was supposed to be more impressive than that.

>He stops and narrows his eyes, then nodded and dropped the sack on the floor. He kicked it once.
Come on, I need to make him stop wiggling anyway. If it crunches, don't worry about it.

Hush, child. It does Nothing.
...
I cast Greater Dispel Magic.

i suppose...

>He summons more and it has results much like last time.

then why don't you? also quick question is that imp hater as in you hate imps or imp hater as in you make tiny hats for imp? Or is it both and you make hats OUT of imps?

But everyone is so unrefined! So cold and harsh! I can only wonder at how your own heart wasn't encased in an impenetrable shell of stone!
>She actually starts to tear up a little.
Oh, I can just see it now. You're so lonely, but then Glug swoops in! Slowly working away at your heart, melting its emotionless carapace to finally reach and take the warm, squishy, loving core within~
Oooooo~!
>A pen scribbles a little more on a paper.

Delightful. You'll fit right in.
>Priscilla records Billy's information on a clean sheet of paper and slips it into a drawer.
Off to redrobe class for you~

Billy, travel with me to the land of the flame phoenix where I will teach you the art of the sword.

Eh, I bring my guild buddies in and they won't be a problem.
Ever since we got that diet dairy deal with the Dairy Goddess, the Adventurer's Guild has gotten an easier time getting fit.

You could make requests.
I'm open to people making requests of my students. For a price.

Say, what's your favorite ice-cream flavor?

Another one?
Except from the exact opposite walk of life.

Its and Illusion I tell ya, a bunch of smoke and mirrors.Your habadashery teir smoke an mirrors won't fool anyone!
>pokes said frost ooze hammer

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

What abomination have you brought upon us!

Male, female, who gives a shit? I don't know. I can tell you who takes a shit, though. It is I. You can touch it if you want to.

Are... Are you writing a story about us?

My heart has never had an emotionless carapace!

Ice Cream Flavors?

>Ponders

its a lovely light trick but i havent got any money on me. sorry.

father told me not to make eye contact with crazy homeless people.

"I-imp hater, as in a group of them harassed my bedchambers for several weeks, apparently a druid sicced them on me for being a necromancer... sp-speaking of which..."

>Botelus begins placing several harsh kicks to the bag, projecting the druid who sent the imps after him onto this particular druid

I added myself to the 'active' members list since I've been around for several threads, is that okay?

I don't actually know how I'm powered. I've just been assuming my creator is using her own life force for it.

One ice arm, then, please! Should make a good conversation starter.

I'm sure I'm supposed to object to wanton violence. But right now I'm just happy if nobody is actively dying in the same room as me.

Wait, are we talking about "live in harmony with plants" druids or "sacrifice people on bits of rock because the voices tell me" druids?
I'll bloody well help you if it's the latter.

So that's how we keep getting redrobes. Thought there was some out of control duplicator spell behind it all.

Can't afford to throw gold around for novelty snacks! Not much money in my line of work.

On the 1d4chan page? We haven't updated that in ages, we mostly just keep track of each other down in the archives

C'mon kid, you have to be rougher than that.
>The bearded man raises a foot up and brings it down on the side of the bag, causing a loud crunch. A few muffled screams came out of the sack as he picked it back up and started carrying it away again.

Frost oozes. And the crystallized form of said ooze shaped into the form of a hammer.

...Oh my Gods, you don't know what ice cream is.

>A tanned skinned, blond haired man wearing light battlerobes appears from a maw portal
Lurco: I heard there were ancient arts to be learned.

Oh, I wouldn't have them charge you any more than the jello shops would sell them for.

Ayyyy, ice cream is me schools territory.

First you bring these disgusting and still under investigation 'frost oozes' to our guild, now your trying to serve out unlicensed ice cream.

YOUR ON THIN ICE!!!

Hmm.. probably not a spirit then. Probably, they usually remember what they are despite the new body.. my door's open if you need aid I can give in any case. It's what I'm here for, I think.

...Actually I think I just help the guild meet some minorities quota.

>She watches some witch redrobes get carried off again, tapping her pen against her cheek.
Hmm... This is certainly not optimal, but it remains oddly effective.
Perhaps one more batch of orcs, wouldn't you say?

Do you mean to say that they're all fabulously toned and muscular boys?
>Priscilla's eyes sparkle a little.
How delightful. I can't wait to see them~

Oh don't be ridiculous! How could such a thing be possible?
>She peeks back at the paper.
Ohoho, it's turning out beautifully. Chapter two: Escape from the Barbarians~!

Oh, yes. There's plenty of miscellaneous children and middle-aged women who show up every day. More than enough to fill the classes.
Though, the duplicator is sometimes employed when we run low.

Wh-what?

We don't exactly have magic freezer boxes back home!

What barbarians!? Do you have ANY idea how I got to this guild?

"Hey, make sure to toss it around s-some!"
>Botelus debates rewinding time several seconds just to deliver harder kicks, but decides against it.

"Uh... I'm not rightly s-sure, though I'd w-wager their leader does plenty of both."

Ah, okay. Where do you access archives on that page?