D&D Greentext Stories

Show me what you got!

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archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/47547348/#47548031
youtube.com/watch?v=aGKCB76xFgM
twitter.com/AnonBabble

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LOL

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Autism warning, skip this post if you enjoy fun.

Technically, Speak With Dead only works on fresh bodies because it requires an intact mouth. Fluffwise it only draws on the corpse's knowledge and doesn't contact the spirit at all.

but pigs aren't fluffy at all

wild ones are

That's about as useful as speak with plants has ever been for any of us.

Never fails to crack me up.

Ranks right up there with Catan guy

I guess a colon cleanse is technically healthy

Holy fuck, my sides!

the person who posted this is trying to hide what setting is being ripped off but they made it pretty obvious it was horse friendship

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>The DM had a soundtrack of camp-town ladies in fucking ribbits
I need to hear this

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My insides are in orbit

Did you drink some Cosmic shake?

Holy shit, somebody actually made a good screencap of this story?

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Fuck, dude

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>these amount of ZOOMED WORDS

I was in that thread.He is.

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Fucking epic.

Now every Drow I ever see will be speaking with a vaguely Eastern European accent.

Thanks Veeky Forums.

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Oh fuck that's the wrong story.

Autism: The Post

>5th edition D&D
>Our party is escorting a lord through the local market place
>Cleric notices a hooded individual pushing through the crowd and towards the lord
>GET DOWN MR.PRESIDENT
>Paladin drops the lord prone and the crossbow bolt misses
>I cast sleep on the assailant (and a couple bystanders)
>We tie up the assassin then wake him up
>I then cast suggestion on him. This is the first time I've cast this spell.
>"Tell us the truth. About everything you know."
>DM smiles
>"I was born on the 12th day of Hammer in the back of my grandfather's caravan..."
>Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck
>DM time-skips a couple hours
>"...on my 9th birthday I received a gold coin from my father, the following evening I traded it for a large stick the village conman told me was a magic staff. That night, I was beaten severely by..."
>The sun is setting and the lord, bored and agitated, demands to go home, the paladin escorts him to his estate.
>The rest of the party plus a crowd of civilians are just sitting there listening to him now, the generous bar owners bring in soup for everyone. We give the assassin water as his voice starts getting raspy.
>DM time-skips a few more hours
>"...and I never trusted a gnome again. It was these series of events that lead me to the cult of Bhaal..."
>fucking finally
>"...the noticeable attractive dark elf gave me the task of of shooting at the lord..."
>yes... yes... go on...
>"... her figure distracted me and I forgot whether I was supposed to actually hit the lord or not. gods she was so hot. The things I'd do for..."
>oh god... come on dude
>"...but it was clear that my main goal was to provide a distraction as another party snuck into the kitchen and poisoned his food..."
>Our face when

10/10

I fucking love your DM.

well i certainly wasn't ready for that today.

Me too, we don't deserve him

Fucking supremely well done. That's a great encounter I hadn't even thought of, an escort mission in a crowd.

archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/47547348/#47548031

Did you die?

You were warned. If you're going to be "triggered" this easily, then you should leave. You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.

The Paladin actually ended up discovering the food poisoning and saving the lord's life by himself.
There was a medal ceremony and ball celebrating the paladin for saving the lord twice in one day and the rest of the party was... invited.
I, the sorcerer, was the only one that went.
Paladin was rewarded a 500gp, a golden glimmering +1 "Lord's Longsword", and a medal and certificate marking him a legendary ally of the city. On top of that, the paladin had a masterfully done oil painting of him hung up in the royal hallway.
The rest of my party (a cleric, wizard, and fighter) were pissed off that they got 0 recognition and got drunk in the bar swearing they'll be never be friends with the paladin again. (only in game, irl they found it pretty funny and recognized they didn't really do shit)
But then he split the gold (100gp each) and was like "fuck that lord amirite guys. you were the real heroes. I kept telling him." and we're all friends again.

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Why not just smuggle himself in a bag of holding via her butt?

Requesting that greentext in 40k where the players killed the GM's special snowflake race. I think it was a chakat?

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AND NOW FOR MORE PALADINS

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Great story

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Not quite paladins but the idea is the same.

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>I get why it's called a d20

I should make a separate folder for my paladin stuff so I don't have to dig though my whole greentext folder.

Also not really paladin-related, but still righteous.

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Okay, I'm out. Have a SPORTSBALL greentext. Requesting additional paladin greentexts.

I still liked it though user

breddy gud

*blushes*

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I'm fucking dying

So is the lord

Did they ever get some documentation on this, this sounds amazing to play.

Sounds like the joker in the 5e monster manual which, incidentally, is also a massive fucking pain to keep down.

>Druid casts speak with plants
>Expects the tree to know the answers to all the story questions
>"lol I'm just a fucking tree bro"
>Calls me a bad DM

Not that I know of. It was two years ago and I'm not on here all that often.

also I FOUND ONE MORE

Why would some random ass tree know anything? Not even like the local layout, it's literally sat in one location for probably 100+ years, that's it.

A tree can't even see or hear anything

3.5 Homebrew
>Playing as a Dragonborn Knight
>In a party of 3
>In a bandit town (with no rules and no laws)
>A Barb on the team owns a horse
>Fails to tie the horse to a pole
>The horse is stolen
>We JUST manage to track down the horse
>It is about to be sold by a mangy elf to a stablekeep
>Roll a 15 + 7 intimidate
>Tell the Elf: "Hey! Fucking don't steal our horse!"
>The Elf is scared shitless as a 6.5 feet tall dragonborn walks up to him
>Pulls out a dagger
>"This is my horse, don't you fucking dare come closer" he says with a shaky voice
>Draw my greatsword
>Do a power attack
>Rolls a Natural 20 | 11 + 7 x 2 = 36
>Ends the fight before it even started
>He no longer exists on this plane of existence
>His guts are scattered to the winds
>Instantly gain the respect of the entire fucking town
>Nobody dares to touch me
>The Stablekeep goes: "Not this shit again"
Thank you DM for letting me live out my Big Swords McGee Fantasy

Less of an epic thing, more of well shit son you ded.
> Have paladin.
> Get captured by duergar, high priest of their god tries to enslave me.
> Fail, but I'm now encased in armor fused to skin-armor controlled by cleric but me not know
> Our rogue manages to sabotage (was inside mountain, massive industry, yes this is 5e)
> Everybody escaping, found armory for slave rebellion. my character goes on his own.
> Grabs random greatsword with probs magic runes on them (don't do shit in the end, but pretty sure they were magic)
> Hate this decision OOC, but IC he would want revenge.
> Walk up to high priest in sanctum.
> sofucked.jpg
> "You tried to break me. You tried to break me."
> "Now I will break you"
> Charge, miss. Level 20 evil cleric turn.
> Cleric crushes the armor over me, my blood flies out. Sets blood on fire, then sends it back into my body.
> Welp I'm dead.

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Alright.

Here's the story of my first character, Anhaga the Cowardly Rogue.

>Gave him shit con, nearly do the death dance in the first combat I ever did.
>About as yellow as you could go as a PC.
>Every combat he would run away from the group to flank
>This actually saved his bacon once when a winter wolf tried to do some shit
>Once threw a horse turd at an enemy commander besieging a stronghold we were defending; the commander left after that
>With the winter wolf, jumped on its back and then rode around rodeo style
>Tried to do the same to a flesh golem later, huge tactical blunder right there.
>Tried to punch magical possession out of people, actually succeeded the second time with a flying tackle that knocked them prone
>Party joked that Anhaga was bipolar, cowardly as shit and yet continually throwing himself into combat like a dog at a steak.

Eh, standard for Veeky Forums.

Personal favorite

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Things you can ask a tree
>is the soil quality good?
>do you get enough sunlight?
>are things eating your leaves?
>has it rained recently?
After that you're basically on your own

Jesus Christ. I remember that thread.

It was from 2008? That was 9 years ago. Jesus Christ I just had my own mortality fall on me from the carefully balanced and out of the way mantelpiece over my bed where I've been ignoring it for the last decade.

Ignoring fantasy setting hippy magic I guess.

But if you are doing that, why the fuck are you talking to tree's?

Since my memory about it is getting more and more hazy, I want to share my story of a one-session magical girl campaign. Because it's not that great of a story and it's definitely on the autism scale, I'm going to include some actually fun greentext screencaps with my posts.

>Background: DM states that he wants to run a silly magical girl campaign
>Get a feeling that there's a very good chance of it being a trainwreck, but I don't care and join the ride
>Told to roll up a spontaneous spellcaster and that we'll be using 3.5e for the system which makes sense, because it's the one we and our DM are most familiar with
>To add a bit of diversity to a rather large party filled solely with sorcerers, I make a chaotic neutral bard named Chan
>Chan is a Chen expy, complete with bike and bike horn, with some other character traits thrown in
>For example, she plays the harmonica.
>And fishes using a hook tied to a stick with rope.
>And is mute, having become mute one day for no known reason.
>And occasionally goes into trance-like states where she stops emoting entirely.
>And is described as being a fucking weirdo in general.
>DM informs me that Chan somehow is NOT the worst character rolled up for the campaign.
>He also tells me to pick some sort of element to have associated with her, one which all of her spells would incorporate
>Heart's already taken, so in keeping with the Chen expy theme Chan's element becomes "Chime," meaning sound-based spells
>"Chime" is just a fluffed up name for "Honk," for the purpose of making it sound cuter
>It literally just sounds like bike horn honks
And thus Chan Bow's magical girl adventure would begin.

>Campaign starts, set in modern-day Japan, with the characters being normal Japanese girls attending a normal Japanese middle school
>Suddenly, an earthquake
>Class ducks underneath their desks, party starts getting into shenanigans
>One of the girls leaves the classroom and goes into the science lab to do science-y stuff, another girl follows her
>A different girl goes into the hallway and starts looting knocked-over lockers for items to sell for money later
>The only responsible girl of the party, the class rep, is dutifully trying to maintain order and calm people down
>Earthquake knocks over yet another girl's bag, and out falls a bottle of booze
>Turns out her element was alcohol
>Gets into argument with teacher, but manages to keep the booze
>Earthquake is still happening during all of this
>Alcohol-chan gets drunk, drunkenly smacks and smack-talks the ground trying to get the earthquake to stop
>Earthquake increases in intensity
>Chan performs on her harmonica in hopes of somehow inexplicably calming the earthquake
>It works a bit and the intensity goes back to what it was initially
>Science-chan and the girl that followed her are busy doing experiments in order to craft alchemical items
>Money-chan's finished looting the hallways and comes back into the classroom
>Alcohol-chan is still inebriated
>Class rep can't really do much to keep things under control, since it's an earthquake and all
>Chan manages to deduce the earthquake's epicenter through a successful gather information check
>Ditches and gets on her bike to go to the epicenter
>DM a bit bluntly informs the party that it looks like Chan's heading in the direction of the epicenter, since it's been about twenty minutes of shenanigans, which weren't really advancing the plot directly, although we admittedly enjoyed them
>Class rep, Alcohol-chan, and Money-chan chase after Chan
>Science-chan stays in the science lab
>Alchemy-chan also stays in order to copy what Science-chan does

There was actually one more girl in this bloated party, and she also followed after Chan. I don't remember much of what else she did.

>Chan arrives at the epicenter
>She decides that this is a perfect place to start playing her harmonica
>Who else can say that they rocked a beautiful harmonica solo in the center of an earthquake?
>Gets a bit bored just performing for performance's sake, attempt to use her performance to make the earthquake worse
>It works
>The four girls make it to the epicenter
>Chan, not much concerned with anything, continues playing
>Earthquake gets even stronger
>Everyone understands that this is a really boneheaded move
>Money-chan attempts to reason with Chan
>She tries to tell Chan that maybe strengthening an earthquake is probably a really bad idea and that this isn't really something they should be doing
>Just as Money-chan opens her mouth, Chan immediately bolts off on her bike
>She got bored and made a gather information check to learn the nearest body of water, because she likes to fish
>Class-rep, Money-chan, and Alcohol-chan don't recognize that this is just Chan being an oddball, since the student body usually lets her keep to herself because her weirdness usually doesn't inconvenience others
>The three of them follow after her, assuming that Chan's chasing the plot

>Chan, without a care for the fact that the ground was yet still tearing itself asunder, arrives at a river
>The three girls arrive to find Chan fishing rather peacefully
>Despite their (mostly Class rep's) attempts to talk to the her, the mute Chan more or less ignores them in favor of the joys of fishing
>She's been catching many things in the river, not limited to: trout, tuna, and salmon. She's just been throwing them back after catching them
>Class rep surmises that if she "beats" Chan in fishing then she'll stop fishing and get back to doing plot related things
>Conveniently, there is a rather nice fishing rod near where Chan is fishing
>Class rep, having not forsaken joining an afterschool club for the pleasure of solitary afterschool fishing, catches a boot
>Meaningwhile, Chan manages to catch more large fish
>All of which Alcohol-chan decided to eat
>This annoys Chan, who vows to make sure that her next catch will not end up as her classmate's snack
>Class rep continues to fish, and catches more garbage
>Chan catches a snapping turtle. She is rather happy by this catch, and plans on making it her pet
>Almost immediately, Chan's freshly-caught snapping turtle is eaten by Alcohol-chan. She swallowed it whole to boot.
>Chan, upset at having her beloved snapping turtle devoured, figures that if she stops the earthquake then these girls will stop interrupting her lovely fishing time
>And so Chan heads back to the epicenter to continue on with the DM's plot, the three girls following closely behind

>Suddenly, the girls hear an otherwordly voice
>Now finding themselves empowered, the girls instinctively utilize their magical girl transformations
>DM actually gives well articulated, but not particularly serious, descriptions about the transformation scenes, which were based around bicycle horn honks, drawing, drunkeness, and the sands of time
>Also, now everyone can fly. Although Chan just flies on her bike, while everyone else can fly on their own
>Alcohol-chan, Class rep, Money-chan, and Chan prepare to do aerial battle with the VSD
>Leading the intiative, Chan uses the Command spell (given to her by a birth feat) to have the VSD fall
>This rather large dragon just starts falling from the sky above and plummeting towards the earth below
>Alcohol-chan, Class rep, and Money-chan waste no time using magic and magical girl powers to unmake this earthquake-causing nuisance
>The other girl activates her own transformation sequence. Also she straight-up rips the VSD's heart out, finishing it off
>Upon death, the VSD transforms into a bunch of bronze cutlery -- knives, forks, and spoons come raining down
>Its heart turns into a pair of chopsticks
>The day is saved, the city is safe, and the spoils of victory are at hand

>Thanks to all that flying around, the VSD ended up dying near the school
>Science-chan and Alchemy-chan, having successfully (and in Alchemy-chan's case, a few times unsuccesffully) crafted alchemical items, exit the school and join the group
>They, too, get transformation sequences
>Everyone gets some cutlery loot. Chan managed to quickly snag the VSD's heart chopsticks before anyone else could claim them
>With peace returned, the girls go back to school
>Except for Chan who, after successfully getting her classmates off her back, goes back to fishing

>The rest of the day goes by uneventfully, and everyone sans-Chan goes to cram school
>Suddenly, in the middle of cram school, everyone including Chan are transported into a grassy field in the middle of who-knows-where
>Class rep begins hyperventilating a bit because it's just been a really long, bullshit-filled day
>While the rest of the girls aren't as perturbed, no one really has any idea what to do in this situation
>Chan realises that they are in another world
>Upset at having her fishing time interrupted twice in one day, she plays her harmonica in hopes of attracting people to where the girls are at
>She is successful, and suddenly a large number of village people start appearing
>Undaunted by the possibiility that these people could be hostile to strangers, Chan finds who she believes to be the village leader, walks straight up to him, pulls out her fishing rod, and mimes out her question of where the nearest place to catch fish is
>Having successfully asked her question, Chan transforms, flies off on her bike to the lake, and removes herself from the plot
>The rest of the girls, now with people who can inform them about their situation, start talking with the villagers and progressing the plot
>More shenanigans ensue; like Money-chan making a business selling fake "foreign passports" (actually just their world's money) to people in order to get local money; the girls getting a map of the world (or at least the country); and Alcohol-chan eatting (and nearly choking on) an entire live chicken
>After an eventful day in another world, the girls retire to an inn for the night
>Chan, after a good day of fishing, suddenly has the reality of the situation dawn on her, and she comes back to join her comrades

Our DM made the call to scrap the campaign due to how chaotic it was, and because he believed the group would quickly end up at each others' throats. I don't disagree with his call, especially with hindsight. Although I do miss Chan, the little weirdo she was.

I was listening to youtube.com/watch?v=aGKCB76xFgM as I read this and now in my head all Drow have a Russian accent and this is the music I heard whenever that greentext mentioned bards or playing instruments.

IN LAND OF MOTHER UNDERDARK YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO MATE WITH FEMALES. FEMALES CHOOSE TO MATE WITH YOU.

Well, shit. I accidentally forgot to post the section that goes after and before , and now I need to retype it.

>Once again, Chan and friends arrive at the epicenter of the earthquake
>Chan, having a hunch that there might be something somewhat slightly unnatural about such a long-lasting earthquake of constant intensity, does some sleuthing and deduces that something's causing it
>Growing weary of her capricious nature, the other girls are getting real tired of Chan's bullshit
>Chan looks around and spots something in the sky, and points at it with an exaggerated motion
>The girls follow her finger and see the skybeast
>With their target now sighted, these normal middle school girls must find out a way to deal with this flying, earthquake-causing thing.
>Chan almost immediately decides to try to fish it out of the sky, because who else can say they've done that?
>Miraculously, she manages to hook the thing
>Class rep and Money-chan grab her, trying to hold her down and help reel the skybeast in
>With ease, the thing pulls them into the sky
>These three middle school girls now find themselves suspended thousands of feet in the air, holding onto each other (or in Chan's case, her fishing rod) for dear life
>Chan, now having a better look at the thing because of how close it is, suddenly realizes that the skybeast is a mythological creature known as a VSD (Vampiric Sheep Dragon) thanks to her knowledge of history and bardic knowledge
>As the epiphany passes, Chan reels the three of them in so that they're no longer clinging onto each other, but instead onto the VSD for dear life
>These three schoolgirls are now riding on top of some mythical earthquake-causing creature, and have to find some way to deal with their situation

Nice. Very nice.

the only one I thought to save before this thread

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>get caught in a really bad storm
>find an abandoned old house
>apparently there is an old grumpy elf living there who decides to give us a shelter until the storm calms
>now some classic adventure where you have to go around the abandoned house to unveil its mysteries starts
>our Ninja decides to explore it while me and the almost naked gnome (another funny story) cover him
>dinner is ready
>elf asks where the fuck the edgy ninja faggot is
>when the master described our rooms I confused the washbasin with a toilet (he used a strange word in my language)
>idea.jpg
>"Uh, the Ninja doesn't feel that well, he has, emh, diarrhea"
>Elf panicks "and where the fuck is he shitting"
>"In his room"
>elf gets furious thinking about the weeb shitting on his furniture and his dead wife's memories
>he enters in the room ready to make someone lick all that shit
>no one there, elf understands I lied to him
>actually really strong sorceror, he petrifies my legs and goes searching for naruto
>I am a summoner and while he's away use my Eidolon to carry me out while the elf is gone
And this is how now we are in the middle of a snowstorm, with me half petrified and carried like a princess by some extraplanar monster, our naked alchemist gnome without any item, the ninja killed off in some old abandoned mansion and the master angry because I fucked up his adventure

Fucking gold.