Your most recent character has been asked to write a book to add to the Great Library of Adventurers

Character already well known author.
Volume 3 first draft is already done.
>Millien Faux, Bard at Large

"Take their money, and never give it back! One Toydarian's tale of Trade and guide to how to hire non-incompetent henchmen on the cheap!"

"HOW TO HIT THINGS GOOD: A Poorly Illustrated Guide for Fightan With Your Fists"

"How to go through The Devil's Spine without losing a hand in the process. - A practical guide about not giving a fuck."

>The Prettiest Greenskin in the land: The story of how I, Gene Redkeeper, kicked everyone's ass.

Keep Your Hands Off My Daughter or I Will Fucking End This World
It's mostly one long stream of conscience yandere ramblethreat. One chapter is the navy seal copypasta, but with all defences to navy seals being replaced by references to magical girls.
Comes with the companion audio book Mom, Stop Being a Total Psychopath.

Faith, Fate, and Vodka: How to Interpret Anything as the Will of Your God.

>The Collective Ramblings of a Drunken Priest

"How to get into the Great Library of Adventurers while still having done very little"

>Love is a lie: Ethics and the school of Enchantment

"How-to kill heretics with a spoon and a shot of vodka" - by Arch-confessor Smirnoff.

An Explosive Rune. Not as in there's an Explosive Rune on the cover, but that the title is literally "An Explosive Rune."
The first page of the book is a preface that says that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
The second page is an explosive rune.

>The Art of the Deal

Orphans and why you should never trust them

>The Broken Man

>Mémoires of Gregory, Cleric of Pelor and the struggle of Jaquouille's Companionship against the plague.

Fucking desease-ridden cultists.

>General Fuckery: Spicing up life with MAGIC and MACHINES

He can't read, but if he was dictating it, it would probably be, "How to Make People Celebrate You Punching People to Death"

>Ravnica (and why no sane person should ever take up permanent residence there if they have a choice)

"Biscuits & Gravy With Strangers: Essays on the Virtue of Men"

How to Kill a Manticore in One Punch (and Other Things That Totally Happened for Real, I Promise)

War: What It's Good For

"Much Ado About Nothing"

>War: What It's Good For
Wish I saved that one page from Nikolai Dante where the Tzar is asked the same question.

" I'm not even sure which side I'm on: memoirs of a triple-agent"

"Lady Luck is Fucking Cuck"

Character was NEVER hit by anyone for almost two real life years. And then he died the first time he got hit.

"The Tempest"

Or, alternatively, ""Why the fuck am I on fire again!?" An Inquisitor's Tale"

Kek.

"Incest and Succubi: a manifesto."

How can you write a book when you are illiterate?

"I hate adventuring and how it took my comfortable life away: A story about how a million slashes couldn't kill me but being a absent father and husband was my main concern."

You find someone you trust and who is literate and tell them what to write.

"What the Fresh Fucking Hell Is a Goddamned 'Bear' Anyway, or; Why Nobody Should Leave the Desert Under Any Circumstances."

These are all good.

A guide to field surgeries for barbarians by barbarians.

By Throk Ukalak

"Incendiary explosive devices in urban guerilla warfare"

>On Killing the Gods and Facilitating the Usurper
Alternatively
>Killing the Empire With a Loli: A Biography

if it's in his current level

>How to Not Die in Japan and Still Have Fun Doing It

if he meets his endgoal

>China: A Retrospective on How I Managed to Turn a Country Into a Rape Nation

or

>How to Overthrow the Japanese Emperor With Just a Mercenary Band and A Whole Lot of Luck

All of the three books would be extremely cheery and polite, motivating you to become a ruler and with fun quizzes at the end of each chapter to test how much you've learned, it comes with an audiobook and a little bookend that says "You can do it!" on a bunch of languages except japanese

"Noble Blood Is Red, or ow to rise an underhive rebellion and lead it against Spirer motherfucker in the name of Khorne.

>How to live being the son of the God of evil
And the subtitles would be something like "you don't have to be edgy!"

>Pirate Flags to Noble Riches: How Punching a Farmer to Death Made a Goblin Monk into a Duchess...

>Men, Plants, and Beasts
>An Illustrated Guide to Killing Along the Sword Coast

>Professionalism in Trying Times
Alternatively,
>How to Herd Cats: A Guide to Dealing with Idiots

"Why You Should Always Listen To Your Henchmen."
By Number 576

>The Fall of Korvosa: A Survivor's Tale
>Practical and Impractical Conjurations: A Survivor's Tale
>Coping with Feelings of Inadequacy and Powerlessness: A Survivor's Tale
>Korvosan Cuisine: A Survivor's Tale

>101 Ways to cook Insects

>Dude, Where's My Soul?

Shenanigans: a practical guide to bullshiting your way out of combat

>Sailing beyond the End of the World, adopting a child, getting your girl and slaying gods: How I learned to stop worrying about fate

He just sweats nervously, plays it off coolly and never returns because he is illiterate.

Brothers in illiteracy!

Maps of the Sumber Hills
(Above and below ground)

The World's Most Dangerous Beasts, and How I Killed Them: the Man Behind the Myth.

"How to write a book without being able to write: a Tale by Errok the orc"

"How to go from Zero to Hero: A guide by King Allblue."

"Overcoming Existential Despair: Memoirs of a Paladin whose too old for this shit"

"How to get the girl: Or, Janitorial Techniques"

"A Bard's Conundrum: Slaying A Bad Guy With Bad Puns" (rhymed edition)

>I don't want to live on this planet anymore: Discovering monster girls and their fetishes.

"Why None Of This Was My Fault - 101 Ways to Deflect Blame"

The Fae and the Dragons of [Name of the island]

>I grapple the dire bears: how a bad sense of direction caused me to conquer multiple mountains, become king of the bears, and never find my way home.

"Mercy My Shield, Justice My Sword: One Knight's Quest For Goodness and Glory"
"Blood and Oil: The Will of The Great Machine Spirit"

The Best Candy Ever

Limbs & Lube: Adventurer's Guide to Size Training

'I'm a burglar but I didn't do it'
By Salvo 'fastfingers' Fishfinger, Halfling Thief

As a forever GM, the last memorable NPC:
>what not to do if your friend brought four people in armors and a bottle of wine
>or how I died

One Spider's Quest to become Mayor

"Super Orc Vitality" or
"Better living through arcane waterfilters"

>Pelor's cleric tribulations: How can a succubus non-literally fuck you up.

You rolled Jeff Goldbloom?

>The Grand Adventures of Renowned Bard and Undisputed Arch-Sexmaster Skaldeg Strongjaw

It'd simply be titled with her name.

She is firmly of the belief that this would be sufficient.

>Mass murder and you.
>How I learned to stop caring and love cloud kill.

> Obrimos
Dude has a flair for the dramatic, of course he would only put his path as the title of his book.

>This shit is weird: a varric tethras novel.

>I can't die and other tales of my suffering.

To boldly retreat: How the prince of squatfolks turned fragments of the people and made an empire.

Elves are not lewd they are a proud noble race

"Killing lots of demons."

70 Axioms for Actually Competent Adventurers

Ringelpiez mit Anscheissen!

>"We wuz lordz".

Death of a salesman and a priest and a guard and a king and a city and a....

50 Shades of Heresy
A paladins guide to ethical questions

Omjag for Dummies! A Beginner's Guide to Killing Cowardly Chromatics

>wouldn't write a book, more like a glamour style magazine.
10 useful tips to hiding your hate for your companions and spice up your sex life with this 4 simple tricks.
Compendium for healsluts.

A Warforged's Guide to Tea

>The Blessings of Lolth
It's about how to summon spirit guardians (swarm of magic spiders) to defeat your enemies. It'll have pictures like in that one gif/webm with all the spiders raining down on a suburb. Also some stuff about Polymorph and advanced (more fun) torture techniques.

I'd read it. I was in a party with a half-surface-elf. And was a healer.

The Undead Spread

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