Storythread

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While we appreciate people trying to keep the thread alive, it's generally better to post new image bumps in a longer period, only around the time the thread starts reaching page 9 (or at least in around 40-50 min intervals), not two minutes apart: It burns through the post-limit slower and also attracts less assholes who lurk on page one and report anything that feels too off-topic to them.

On it. May take a while.

>Did I put too much into exposition?
A part of me wants to say yes, you should trim it down, and a part of me wants to say no, but if you're going to have a lot of descriptive passages you have to present them in an interesting way.

For example, instead of saying
>Today he chose his iskandian officers sword. The akantian honorblade and wynzakadian graduation sword had to wait.
you could say:
>He straightened his uniform, and reached for his swordbelt. It would be the iskandian officers sword today, perfectly balanced and just the right length to be worn on the streets. The akantian honorblade and his wynzakadian graduation sword, ruthlessly beautiful though they were, would have to wait for another day.

That way you're actually saying something about the weapons, the man choosing them, and the situation he expects to find himself in, rather than just running though a list of names that are completely meaningless to the reader. Of course, by making the descriptive passage longer you have to cut down the overall number of descriptions to keep the story from dragging.

The other thing that I noticed was that your English skills need work. I noticed a lot of errors, some of them quite basic.
>The white silk robe scrooped with every of her deliberate steps.
should be
>the white silk robe scraped with each of her deliberate steps

generally a good point, but at the beginning of the thread we need a decent number of images to actually get things going, otherwise people have nothing to write about.

I'm not around the bump the thread whenever it reach the last page, and I assumed that with 6 pictures you were more in need of inspiration anyway.

Ok, point taken. Carry on then.

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Thanks for feedback, I will try to be more descriptive in the future. It was a concern for me while writing it because I considered the overall length of the text.

>I considered the overall length of the text.
Don't get me wrong, that is something you should take into account (I have a bad habit of overwriting my stories). But between what you've done and what I usually do, there's a happy medium.

I'd like to repost some of my stuff here, while I work on something else. Feedback is always welcome.

Also, is there some kind of discord for Veeky Forums writers?

A Hackster is Born (Cyberpunk Satire)
docs.google.com/document/d/1xXmNXC8yAe5YAWDYBR4FUCvr8OFlZNdm1q1xVhXKCrU/edit?usp=sharing

Love and Death in the SPQR
docs.google.com/document/d/1iSLPvwGZPLk9ARKHd1gH-GKeqMyFthVz6teezs_c9Nc/edit?usp=sharing

My Name is Amelia Darrow (Vampire)
docs.google.com/document/d/14kJXJ40yZusJL9WZvIEkNd5bGg7jPq9Kx9WTvD7B_10/edit?usp=sharing

Clear the Way! (oWoD - Werewolf the Apocalypse)
docs.google.com/document/d/12n-NCkB2XrMCmMasDItwqituQf0bH5Q5wTCXTpWzhjk/edit?usp=sharing

So, I finished it. Most of what I have to say, however, was summed here pretty well: the two major problems are A) mistaken or somewhat awkwardly used English (as a non-native speaker, I know how hard it is to get prose in your non-native language right) and B) the fact that you often name-drop, rather than present references to your world-realities in broader context. I actually think more description in general would be in order.

Then there are things more related to common faults of starting writers. Your dialogues are too brief: basically you have your characters just barking the most important information in one or two sentences - there is no actual dynamic of conversation. It's particularly problematic when it comes to interactions between Nuraisen and Illven, which presumably should have some kind of more expanded dynamic between them, considering the later reveal.
In general, the whole "I should do her" thing with Illven would really deserve a lot more flashing out. A little more nuance too, I guess.
Your characters could do with a little more introduction too. Instead of:
>They sat down at the white table in the preparation room and the young captain Conris spread the map before the general.
Say:
>They sat down at the white table. Conris, the youngest of the captains of the guard, quickly stepped in to spread a map in before the general with a bow.
It's a small change, but it immediately makes it clearer to the reader that this character is going to play a larger role. You can also step in add to establishing of the character in the following paragraphs - you should, considering how he gets to become the next main character in the end.
The ending in general is a bit confusing and hurried up. I had to read it several times to actually figure out what is going down. Slow down a bit, describe the situation some more.

Most of the faults are, of course, the kinds of things that are fixed with practice. Lots and lots of practice.

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A bit of general advice for those who weren't sure about this, I realized it when I was reading this:
Please, do not use quotation marks only for internal speech (the things people think of, but not say out loud). I refer to things like the:
>"I should do her"
line.
Quotation marks generally denote direct speech. They can be used in combination with italics to imply the character is actually experiencing internal dialogue, or that that you are conveying his thoughts verbatim, but they should never be used without italics. Alternatively, you can write it without either, just:
I should do her! the general thought.
Although that can get awkward, and should be only used when you really know what you are doing.
Using quotation marks only, even if you put a "I/he/she though" right behind it still makes it confusing AS HELL, especially if the thought happens in a middle of a conversation.

Generally, there are three options to convey thoughts and internal monologues/dialogues:
Write them in italics.
Write them in italics with quotation marks.
Write them without either, but in that case you always have to put some proper tag at the beginning or end of the sentence to make it clear that this is a character's though and not part of generic narration.

I recommend the first option, unless a character is literally thinking of something he WANTS TO SAY OUT LOUD IN A CONVERSATION (but decides not to - like if, in a middle of a dialogue, a character thinks of a witty retort, but decides to keep quiet, in which case I'd use the second option).

Just keep in mind:
Writing your character thoughts in quotation marks only is a BIG NO-NO.
Whenever you decide to use italics or no is up to you, but remember to be CONSISTENT about it.

Uh, sorry for the rant. But it's something I noticed more than once through out these threads.
It's something like putting a space in front of a comma. Sort of a literary taboo. I'll stop now.

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Hey thanks for posting this pic again user, still finishing a story with this image...

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Let it never be said an Incubus could not pilot a plane. His name is Iriko, or atleast what he calls himself (his actual name is hard to pronounce to mortals) takes a great joy in flying one of the most exclusive planes in the world. Only open to those with exuberant sums of money, or the times that the eccentric captain will randomly choose a person to come on the flight for no reason. (He once invited a homeless man on-board, who turned out to be quite the interesting character.) The flights and plane are of any otherworldly proportion. The flight attendants appear in whatever form is most pleasing to the individual passengers. Same with the rest of the flight (usually lasting an upwards of 24 hours.) The drinks are however the client likes them, and so is everything else. They may fulfill their wildest pleasures, talk with the spirits of famous people and celebrities who rode in Iriko's flights and will appear for a in-flight meal or drinking, simply watch the best movies ever created, or sit up with the Captain.

The truth is, Iriko is terribly lonesome up there in the cockpit. While he feeds off of all the pleasure, the last person to come up and say 'hi' did so nearly almost 40 years past. That being the reasons he invites strangers on random. Hoping that one mortal or two will be able to disregard their carnal pleasures or vested interests to pay him a visit. He has been disappointed so far, but it will not deter him.

For the mortal who actually cares enough will receive quite the reward indeed. Of course, if any knew this, they would no doubt kill to sit up with him. So it is merely a waiting game for him now, and he has a lot of time. The only thing worse than being immortal, is being lonely and immortal.

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Another day another flight Iriko has given. Today he has invited high school students; whom were approved by their school and parents, to have a free flight which will last about 42 hours, two days tops. This year however he has decided to utilize a new plane, the previous plane he has used was an older and already aging model that has lasted for about 50 years. And because of that, he knew to get a newer and up-to-date plane that will not only accommodate his passengers, but will also live up to current date safety standards. Even though he has used his magic to enchant his flights and his plane he still put high priority to flight standards and protocols for the safety and pleasure of his passengers.

His new plane is a custom made luxury golden jet plane (of course by golden jet plane, it was expertly painted to look golden as actual gold is too heavy and malleable for practicality and to be used as metal for constructing aircraft.) And ofcourse he used his magics to enchant it with his abilities to please and pleasure his passengers of their carnal desires and feeding of their pleasures. And as soon as the flight has started and has now reached to the skies, he can already sense and feel the young ones indulging in their interests. There were students who were watching only the best and highly rated films, some were being entertained by lesser succubi who were disguised as the flight attendants (whom also served Iriko as his helpers) and there were student passengers who indulged in the delicious food and drink served in the buffet.

Iriko was once again disappointed of the mortals who gave in to such decadence, but again he was not mad since he and the lesser succubi who worked for him still fed off the pleasure of the passengers. But today was going to be slightly different as Iriko had heard a knock on the door leading to the cockpit.

Let me field an idea guys, I'm starting to outline a novel that's a prequel to a novel I've already written (and really really need to start sending out again)

The old book has two things that have been bugging me that I hope to fix. First, it's a dystopic totalitarian shithole, but because the story is so focused on the character and the resultant civil war that happens, the setting doesn't get enough attention. Second, a side character is basically too close to the main plot for how important they are. To remedy this, the prequel has that side character as the main character (old MC will still have some perspective chapters as new MC did in old book) and the story will take place in the gritty pits of the cyberpunk city, before shit hits the fan with the civil war.

To pitch it simply, MC makes VR Craig's List and gets rich as an entrepreneur, only for chinese drug smugglers to infiltrate his system to smuggle drugs into the city, and try and steal national secrets and smuggle them out. Shutting them down outright would bankrupt himself, cue drama and guns and explosions.

Which I think is a pretty decent pitch for a sci-fi thriller.
Two hangups I'm sitting on. First, the new MC is trans... in that when they're in Virtual Reality they identify as female but not in meatspace. I'm kind of stuck with that, because of the other book where it's helpful for the story and the setting. So, if I were an amazing 10/10 author, I'd use it to show his transition not from male to female, but from oppressed wage slave to independently successful despite big brother's boot on his neck. The more he succeeds, the better he makes his life, until the yakuza and the triads and everyone are putting guns to his head.

Second hangup is much more straight forward. Do you think it'd be lame, or low brow, or what have you to have the other character (they're best friends for the record) be the one to kill the drug smugglers in the climax? Antagonist gets dealt with by the MC though.

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It was perhaps the most bizarre sight anyone on the Humvees or helicopter ever witnessed, seeing two grown men, US Marines no less, barreling down the streets of Berlin in children's bicycles. Even more bizarre was that they were outrunning the Humvees.

"How the fuck, How the FUCK are they doing this?" One of the militants blared over the radio. "How the fuck are we being led on by two fucking Americans on bikes!"
"How about shooting them, idiot?" Another shouted.
"What do you think I've been doing?" He shouted back. "They just keep dodging!"
"What? How the hell do they just dodge bullets?"
It took a bit, but the helicopter soon got a video feed from a Humvee, showing those two marines on bikes pedaling with all their might. Someone opened fire on it, but these guys seemed to be so skilled with these bikes that they just weaved back and forth between the machine gun's hail of bullets. One of the trucks then fired a rocket.
The two marines swerved out of the explosion, but the shockwave propelled them high enough in the air to pull 180s in midair before riding that flight all the way into turning a hard left into an alleyway. The drastic turn shocked the pursuers so hard they missed their chance to turn and keep up.

"Mother of god, what are these idiots?" The helicopter pilot muttered.
"They must be super-soldiers!" The driver shouted. "They're here to sabotage our government by making us a laughingstock!"
The pilot agreed, "Not for long, they will..." Thus motivated, the Helicopter had someone unleash another rocket as the Humvees circled around. The resulting explosion had the building slowly crumble and tip over, collapsing on the other.
They managed to catch up, as the bikes were just leaving the collapsing alley when the helicopter finally arrived to tail the pursuit. All three vehicles opened fire on the fleeing commandos.
Even with all the bullets raining upon them, the commandos refused to buckle even a little to the assault behind them.

"Goddammit, how the hell are you not hitting them?" Each of them shouted.
"Fuck this," the pilot then gave up, "I'm going to fire another rocket!"
One of the drivers asked, "With all this open space? This road has enough room for them to turn wherever they want!"
"Fucking imbeciles! Lock them down with your gunfire!"

While the plan was tactically sound, with the two mounted machine guns making swerving too far a deadly mistake while the rocket forcing them to either move or take the hit, it failed to factor in the fact that the two bikers could simply stop, making the militants overtake them so quickly that they failed to notice the escaping marines.
The fact was that the marines were playing these men like fiddles by nonchalantly evading all of these attacks. Not even once did they seemed even the slightest bit worried about themselves or their situation.

"I swear, how the hell can these assholes keep going?" one of the drivers asked. "We've been chasing them for almost an hour already!"
"If we don't catch them soon, we'll be out of gas!" Cried the other.
The pilot then gasped as he realized the tunnel entrance coming up. "The bastards! They're trying to lose us in the undergroung tunnel!"
"If we follow them, we won't be able to turn back!"
"They won't need to!"

Those were the pilot's smug words as he loosed yet another rocket at the entrance, destroying it. The trucks had no time to stop or outrun the collapse, and instead crashed headlong into the wreckage. Even worse was that in desperation, the helicopter fired at the tunnel with abandon, leveling everything it could.

To everyone's outrage, even the destruction of a tunnel was not enough to halt the marines, who proceeded to escape as Helicopter ran out of fuel and had to retreat. The marines barely made it to a gas station when they both collapsed on the ground, laughing like madmen as they stared up at the gray cloudy sky.

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Despite how stupid the plan sounded, despite the fact that they practically pushed themselves beyond exhaustion on a mad chase for over an hour, they somehow managed to evade pursuit. Even more, they humiliated their captors, and that was worth everything.

One marine gasped out, "Next time you lose the fucking truck again, I'm not going to wait up for you. Got it?"
It took a little longer before the other marine stopped laughing. "Fuck you, it worked out," He replied. "But fine, sir."

And so they just laid there for a few hours, just barely sleeping from all the adrenaline. When next they woke up, they just decided to walk to the nearest city to call for an evac with an borrowed cellphone. This was a tale nobody at base would ever believe.

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I'm building a high fantasy setting, and I've encountered two issues.

Although I've already got most of the fantasy races in (elves, dwarves, etc), I'm debating whether or not to ditch the more fantastic elements and make it a low fantasy in spite of the magical races being present.

Also, if I decide to keep it a high fantasy, I'm struggling with how to make the magic system that's used in the setting seem unique.

Anyone have any ideas? Pic unrelated.

Don't stress yourself too hard trying to be original. The high fantasy genre has such a vast amount of work it's inevitable that you're going to end up treading over familiar ground at some point. Just choose stuff you like and stuff you think fits well together. Novelty for the sake of novelty tends not to lead to anything good.

I know, that's why I said "seem unique". I'm not prepared to put the effort in to create a whole new thing, but I still have too much pride to just rip something else off.

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>I'm struggling with how to make the magic system that's used in the setting seem unique.

Don't worry about making it unique. Just make a good one.

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"Forty two leagues past Last Hold, there yet stands that fortress which gave the Stalwart Reaches their name. Before the bands of the Vaskoi came to prominence, before Emperor Hanryg came down from the lands of Skel to civilize these stony shores, there were the Golgoth, and their legends are epic and numerous. Armies bore their standards on a thousand battlefields, and no less than twenty states were taken into the fold by force of arms. From the southern Hinterlands west to the Eternal Ridge, widows were left weeping, bereft of son and husband both, and the name Golgoth was cursed by both the living, of which there were few, and the dead, of which there was suddenly many more.
But I digress.
The name of the fortress itself has been lost to the ages, but it has been given the moniker of Crenelation, or simply The Crenel. It is a mark of the enduring (if somewhat bitter) sarcasm which flavors the humor of the indigenous peoples, as the fortress itself is absolutely bare of any such adornment upon its walls, and indeed on the whole it looks nothing like those stony protrusions oft found in evidence atop other fortifications. If once any such members stood upon its weathered wallwalks, the distaste of time and the uncertainty of the wind long since wore them away, until the entirety of the fortress is ringed by a smoothed wall some one hundred and eleven feet tall, and thirty deep. To term this building monumental in size is just barely adequate, but even yet its most curious facet has yet to be revealed. The entirety of the walls appears to have been carved out of a single stone, with neither crease nor crevice to be found marring its surface. In fact-
Ah, apologies. You have no interest for the fortress' history, nor in its construction.
You wish to know of that which lies within.
>Cont (1/2)

Past the main gates, there can be found the remnants of some great battle. Once, three and thirty men stood guard in the passage leading from the outer courtyard to the citadel, each highly trained and fervently impassioned. Now the only sign of their passing is a collection of armor, heavily rusted and poorly wounded, the men once enshrined within long since rotted away into nothing. It is said that a wraith stalks that burial ground, the collective spirits of the warriors given primal force, assaulting all who would dare pass over the threshold with savage abandon. Few attempt to meet it in battle. As of yet, none have been successful.
If farther still your journey, past those metal corpses, you will find yourself within the citadel. Crenelation was the premier Golgoth fort within these Reaches, and its halls hosted chieftain and king alike as they bent their knee to the empire. Rich tapestries adorned every wall, and many a mage worked his sorcery within rooms made entire of onyx, clad in runes of silver jade. Even a fragment of a chamber would make you impossibly wealthy, rich enough to travel back home and buy out a large estate, perhaps raise a family all of your own. But those mages did not die peacefully, those chieftains and kings were never given their last rites, and to tread upon the place of their dying is to invite ruin upon yourself and that which you hold dear.

>1/3, I lied.

Beyond the rotting carpet, past the remnants of nubile statues, illuminated only by ossified torches which once illuminated the rise and fall of civilizations, it is said that there is simply a box. It has no name, and what it contains is of great note, if little renown. Within, it is said, is a letter of inheritance, bestowing upon the reader all the lands of the Golgoth, from the Eternal Ridge to Moontide, the Hinterland to Skel. Within is the right to an empire, the ability to resurrect a legacy so ancient there are legends about its legends, and its once-murderous grip is remembered as a fond and fading memory.
But what use would that be to you, boy?"

>[Fin]

Criticism more than welcome.

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There was a knock on the pilot's door and clicked on the button which released the lock of the door to let whoever was outside in.

"Coooome in~" Said Iriko in the gentlest and soothing manner. And as he said so the door opens to show a teenaged school boy. "Ah hello! I take it you want to take a seat beside me? Ask some questions? Chat?"

"Uhh... Yeah... How did you know mister?" The boy timidly asks, hesitates to come in, but eventually walks in and takes a seat beside Iriko.

"...So why are you doing this?"

"Doing what boy?"

"Doing, well... This? You cater you're flight services to rich and very wealthy folk. Yet you give away free flights to anyone? As in any people you decide to? I mean, why our school? We're not from some esteemed or very well known school. We're just from a public school, not a very upper class one with famous students. Just why? Isn't this a big waste of money and your resources? Giving away free flights like this?"

Iriko chuckled a bit at the boy's questions and curiosity. For quite some time this is what Iriko at the least has been waiting for. Someone he can talk to, not for pleasure seeking, but for just small talking and just friendly chats.

"Well my boy. I am what you mortals- I mean, uh, people, call an 'eccentric' one."

"But sir, even with that. Why do this for free? Doesn't this harm your business?"

"Well dear boy, I already earn alot from wealthy folk who take flights on my planes and services. And a secret is the type of 'specialties' my flight services can provide, to which your fellow classmates are enjoying in right now. Say, why are you not with your classmates? This is a very exquisite experience right now, probably might not getting something like this again for a very long time."

There was a pause as the boy pondered to what he can reply to.

>continuing and hoping this thread lasts long till its duration

Then the boy answered.

"Its because of the fact that you offer such high end an very expensive travel and flight services; which in itself is very costly to maintain thus for the reason you make it expensive and reserved for rich people, yet here you are giving it for free."

Iriko also responded. "Hmhhmm. I just have my reasons child. And I'll say it again, I already earn so very much with what I do. And no other competing aerial flight and travel service would be able to top me. But at the same time I don't have anyone trying to compete against me and what I do since my "exclusive services and features", are only unique to me. While the other aerial flight and travel businesses have their way with catering to the less wealthy and middle class... What's your name boy?"

"Jake... Jake St.Kirkpatrick. Second year highschool student."

"Nice having this acquaintance Jake. Do you still wish to just sit here with me or are you going back to the passenger seats and enjoy this two day trip with the services provided?"

"I think I'll stay with you sir. Its sort of a unique experience seating up with a person such as yourself. Plus I have a feeling you're a person who makes good company."

"Hehehe, why thank you Jake. You can just sit back and enjoy, and just say if you need or want anything." Iriko said with delight in his voice.

And so this is the payoff he often looks for. And while he still continues to feed of the decadent pleasures and wants of the passengers, he'd still enjoy the company of a friendly person looking for a chat. Iriko will have to think of a reward for the school boy who chose to sit with him in the pilot's cabin as opposed to giving in the carnal desires offered in Iriko's flights.

As for now, Iriko has to focus on his flight like a good and well experienced pilot.

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Bumping this because I've been doing some outlining

I think I can spin the first problem into just transhumanism. Give the guy a girlfriend who lives near 100% of the time in VR and changes her body on whims, use it as an expression of freedom against the totalitarian government.

Although, that leads to my gut wanting to do some very strange things. For starters, she'd have to die to not screw up the story I already wrote (which only takes place a few months later)

Anyone have experience in here with note card outlining? Any helpful tricks to it?

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firstly, are you sure you should be writing a second novel if you haven't got the first accepted by a publisher? It's a lot of effort to go to when you don't actually know if anyone likes the setting yet, and also if you do get accepted you'll get a proper editor who will most likely offer you much more constructive advice than we can give.

>Although, that leads to my gut wanting to do some very strange things. For starters, she'd have to die to not screw up the story I already wrote (which only takes place a few months later)
maybe you shouldn't write a prequel then?

secondly,
>I think I can spin the first problem into just transhumanism.
this is the right solution.

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I'm going to be working on it as I send the written one out to agents. And well, before the middle book gets published is the only time to really write a prequel, so that I can adjust time scales and references accordingly, you know? Right?

Isn't it a selling point to say that this book is part of a trilogy, all of which should stand alone by virtue of having different main character? (Three friends, each book has a different one of them as the main character)

>And well, before the middle book gets published is the only time to really write a prequel, so that I can adjust time scales and references accordingly, you know? Right?
that's a decent point

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Holy wall of text, Batman!

More seriously, I enjoyed the use of an older cadence for English, and using structure that prevented hanging prepositions. You did, however, leave one curiously worded sentence fragment in the middle of your second post.
>...collection of armor, heavily rusted and poorly wounded

Could you explain the "poorly wounded" part? Typo? I've re-read it a few times and the only thing to come to mind is that they were killed by magical or superficial wounds.

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So now that I got this done. What do you think of this? Specifically to the people who questioned this story previous thread?

Asking for a friend of mine; what are some of the good ways of getting exposition across in stories without it being too clunky and/or making the characters seem like idiots?

Pic unrelated.

I wasn't one of the people in the last thread, but I think it's okay.

If you want to know what you could work on, though, it maybe could have used some more action. I don't mean fight scenes or shit like that. I just mean that in order for it to be a story and not just an exposition dump, things need to actually happen. The only actual event is the boy knocking on the door and coming into the cockpit. Everything else is just description, really.

Also, your prose isn't exactly perfect. I don't know if English isn't your first language or if you're just a careless editor, but sentences
>Iriko was once again disappointed of the mortals
(which obviously should be 'disappointed in the mortals') really stick out.

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I did a major rework of something.

docs.google.com/document/d/1U78NcA4WyWyCnRNO-tpIp7Yk4MNFz38N3BvId0bHuoU/edit

Does this work in any capacity?

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Does it irk anyone else that the gun doesn't load ammo like that at all, and that Pooh bear actually says "Oh, bother." not simply "Bother."

Sarloc The EverFlame.
Xeratul The Infinite.
Serarltul The Scaled Reaver.

The beast was known by many names in many tongues. Numerous races and cultures had a name for the beast. Even more fell and with them more tales and names. Some ascribed it as nothing more than a greedy hungering beast. Bounties for it ranged from the wealth of small nations to the hands of unwed princesses and with them the promises of power. Others believe the beast to be a force of nature. Something that has always been and will always be. There are even whispers and rumors of cultures worshipping the beast. It's strength, fury, and flames could only be something of a divine nature. Something greater than us.

We didn't have a name for it.

As we crawled through the canyons, sun beating down upon us viciously. The dry earth and rocks mocking us unceasingly. Daring us to take another swig from our flasks.

It happened hours into our journey.

We came across what appeared to be the markings of a mine. Dhalvenn quickly climbed onto a structure of the mine before he aided the scholar Harold in his ascent. The man was more used to days burying his nose in tomes and maps. Venn wasn't the brightest man ever, but his honor and bluntness were so refreshing. Sir Daniel merely trotted around on his horse. His vows demanded he never dismounts in the wilds. There was an initial resentment towards this of course. We had to walk while he rode? How the gods must have laughed. At least he had the courtesy to be respectful towards us.

We weren't ready for it.

It was Venn who noticed the markings. His eyes forged in numerous battles to recognize the minute changes, always ready for an ambush with a smile on his face. Harold was too busy examining the mine to make out our location. Daniel was tending to his mount.

It started as a rumble.

We attributed it towards hot winds dislodging some rocks. It had happened frequently and we tired of springing to the ready at every sound.

We were wrong.

Gods we were so wrong.

The wind became hotter, unbearably so. I began to sweat profusely, Daniel's mount brayed and whined in panic while he tried to calm the beast, Venn's hands found the haft to his Axe as his usual smile was replaced with dread, and Harold fell to his rear, startled by the motions of Venn.

It came with fire.

No. It was fire.

It was a hot red-orange, much like the fires in the forge my father and I once manned. Its scales were burning with whiskers of flame, setting the rocks aflame themselves and turning others into a nothing but liquid and steam at the barest of touches. The first thing I saw was the face.

By all the God's in the sky, earth, and water I will never forget that face. It bristled with spikes and horns. Its eyes, pools of magma with tiny pinpricks of infinite black. As it lowered its head into our section, I could see my reflection in them, shaking with primal fear. Its eyes shone with intelligence that shook me to my core.

How could such a thing hold such a look? What did it mean for us?

These questions raced through my mind alongside many others.

Was it my time to die? Did I live a good life? Why me?

It's terrible, terrible mouth opened and with it the air in the canyon rose to heights that I thought impossible. It was as if my soul itself was set alight. Every part of me screamed in protest.

Then it did something... Something that I will never forget. Even as I finally lay down my weapons, then my tools. Even as I hold my firstborn in my arms. As I teach him to be a man. As I watch him depart into the world to carve a path and find himself as my father once did, and his before him.

That... Beast... No, that Thing.

That thing spoke to us.

"Welcome, Travelers..."

Does it work as... what? A prologue? Sure.

It's got that stereotypical set up for boring guy meets interesting things happening coincidentally all around him forcing him to be relevant... esque atmosphere to it. Over exaggerated how boring his life and his job is (if that isn't foreshadowing, I don't know what is). The little hook with the shrink slipping up and mentioning [It's Happening] kinda stuff was well placed, very simple.

Other than walking away feeling like I read 'Sal' more times than I read common words like 'the' and being annoyed, and that the paragraphs felt a little industrially uniform, as in,

>This paragraph gets 4 lines.
>Next paragraph gets 4 lines.
>Next paragraph gets 4 lines.
and immediately seeing a neat pattern of 4 line paragraphs all the way down the page, it was pretty good prose.

Wouldn't mind reading what happens next.

That's a Martini-Henry, which is a breech-loading singleshot rifle with a dropping block action. The round is inserted into the chamber via a ramp on the upper surface of the breech, which is lowered to expose the chamber by the lever. Pooh is doing it right.

Image bump before bed.

>you learn something new every day
I honestly thought it was a shitty rendition of a lever-action mosin. Thanks, /k/.

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Just trying to link this thread properly:

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>>Veeky Forums51308973

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Just post the desustorage link or something

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