Greentext thread? Never done one so here goes

Greentext thread? Never done one so here goes

>be me chaotic good human war cleric, 60yo man with an unneeded eyepatch
>save some noble
>he convinces us to help him overthrow corrupt gov.
>we steal seige equipment from barron trump
>he sees a tiddy
>go solo to apothecary
>mugged on way there by three homeless fucks
>go into an ally so guards wont arrest me
>role initiation
>crit 20
>fuck their shit up, break all of their legs yet still they want to fight
>bear tackle all 3 to the ground, intimidate one into submission
>others wont surrender
>inflict wounds and sunder ones chest
>cave in others head with 2h warhammer
>citizens see this and cheer (wtf)
>kidnap the remaining homeless man (part of an enemy faction)
>turns out he is retarded and gives us nothing
>dont kill him bc dishonorable so i accidenatlly drowned him
>tossed his body into a river while being pursued and he drowned bc peasants cant swim
>tfw

Pt2
>go back to apothecary
>hes also enemy faction
>he wants to show me illegal stuff
>ILLEGAL
>let him take me back into the back room, knock him unconscious by slamming his head into a wall
>bind him up
>wakes up, i ask him about the stuff back here but i have my doubts about his truthfulness
>tell him im gonna test verything on him
>doesnt seem to care
>ask him about a pile of white powder, tells me its a super steroid
>"ok so then its cool if i test it on you right?"
"No i dont want to do steroids"
>slam his face into the pile, he begins screaming
>pull him out and ask if he feels stronger now
>begins crying and then becomes paralyzed, have to use eye gestures to communicate
>finewithme.jpg
>ask about a vat of liquid, he says "NONONO" with his eyes
>dont believe him, threaten to put hands in it
>tears begin leaking
>say fuck it and toss a rat in
>mfw dissolves
>up next is a red tree branch
"No harm here right?"
Get an iffy response
>pull a leaf off, it ignites
>guy begins crying
>thankgod pass my check and realize its a FUCKING BOMB
>grab apothecary and fucking bolt out the building
>explodes behind us and its burnt down
>guards are wtfing
>wasntme.webm
>kidnap apothecary too and go back to base, he has nothing helpful (again)
This is where we said fuck it honestly
>no plan aside from "shoot the castle"
>battle charge into the faction war with ballistas and trebuchets firing behind us
>kill both enemy faction leaders, we leave one without checking and his body is gone later
>bring our small army into the castle, kill all the guards
>get to kings room, its an old ass man, a priest, and a big ass executioner (think like at the start if Skyrim)

Pt3
>"FUCK YOU"-king
>executioner charges, filled with~40 crossbow bolts
>dies
>king drops weapon and falls on ground crying
>our cook pc who did jack shit throws mashed potatoes on the priests face, blinding him
At this point i RP out my cleric and try and save the king
>take him to a back room to talk
>raised taxes to 99% WHAT THE FUCK
>lies to me about his wife having cancer (what a cunt)
>try to help him so that we dont just outright kill him
>he acts all thankful
>walks up to me
>STRANGLES ME
>CRIT20
>Take15 dmg
>gently pry his hands off my throat
>why u do that
>HE TRIES THREE MORE TIMES
>say fuck it, toss him out the third story window
>looks pretty dead but dont want him running off like the dwarf faction leader
>begintossing furniture on his corpse, big table hits him and his innards pop out
>dont entirely believe it, toss another for good measure
>walk back out and see them negotiating
>priest is mutttering
>no one has checked to see what the fuck hes saying until just now
>muttering how its too late and the orcs will be here in 3 days time
>take him off
>only i see this as a fucking problem
>brandon (noble i saved) says we should party and enjoy our victory
"Brandon orcs could be coming you retard"
"Its not a big deal;3!"
>mmm
>low int so dont think i can dissuade him
>cave in his head with warhammer
>guards all flip shit
>party face doesnt want to help bc he wanted to party
>why does no one understand the fucking orc threat
>get escorted to jail alone
Should mention the cook pc is also my nephew in game and he thinks im a crazy old man, so he will probably try and save me
>mfw have to wait a week to see what happens

what the hell

>>low int so dont think i can dissuade him
>>cave in his head with warhammer

>gently pry his hands off my throat
>why u do that

Hindsight, it was a bad decision for me and my character both. Everyone got pissed :(

"party face doesnt want to help bc he wanted to party"

you fucking cunt that's not what happened. you said the orcs are coming and we need to prepare. Brandon said "ok but first lets raid the armory then celebrate our victory." so you decide to instantly kill him. mfw 30 of our (brandon's) soldiers aim their bows at you and you tell me to "persuade them." bitch i cannot persuade 30 people to let you get away with murder. plus you deserved it. ill rescue you yo ass but dont put that shit on me.

Triggered bc he knows im right

shit you right