Meanwhile, on Wizard Veeky Forums

Does not really matter as long as you cake it in a 30x30x30 meter cube of concrete directly after.

The gnome is fine too.

>Fucking a gnome
I found the Bard

>Die
>Welp, time to reform at my phylactery
>Permanently embedded in 30ft worth of concrete
Nice idea.

Here's a couple of ideas for people that aren't fucking amateurs.
>Giant fuck off gold statue, gift to ancient chromatic dragon. Bonus points if you make it shiny enough for the dragon to be chill with it. This might end in you having to be called in to deal with adventurers trying to kill the dragon.
>Little girl. This one is a bit more tricky, enchant the item to constantly be inside an innocent. Yet again, bonus points if you can get it to shift between individuals when one isn't adorable/innocent enough. Worst case scenario you get to put the adventurers that try to kill you through a moral dilemma that inevitably makes the paladin fall.
>Clay pot. Decorate your lair. Make it look nice. Get a nice good evil aura going on around everything so that the phylactery is hard to detect. Your phylactery is one of the random flower pots nearby. If you're ballsy, make it one of the pots near the entrance for that lovely bonus "fuck you"

Hope that helps, and the number one suggestion I can give to you is just don't be a retard. Lichdom is a chance to gain some serious magical power and additional time to conduct research. That doesn't mean you should go for the typical evil maniac "Bwahahaha! I'm going to destroy the world for unlimited power!" bullshit. Be pragmatic, and always keep in mind the ends that you're actually trying to go to. That is until you get bored or whatever. Good luck, ritual stings like a bitch.

>Not having planeshifting or at least shadow walk
What a pleb Lich...

You can't cast spells if you cant move your arms, retard. Now, if the cube is hollow, however...

Not only that, but how the fuck are you going to have material components or even be able to talk if your mouth is full of concrete. Shadow walk also only works if you've got shadows to fucking walk through. Making the cube hollow is right back to square one though. Any adventuring party worth their salt would be able to figure it out.

>Not only that, but how the fuck are you going to have material components or even be able to talk if your mouth is full of concrete.
How does the Lich speaks anyway? He have no lungs, no vocal cords, no lips or tongue. He's a fucking skeleton.

Hide your phylactery in some obscure outer plane?

Illusion cantrips, duh.

If you can planeshift why don't you just store your phylactery in some deserted obscure plane no one knows or cares about?

>Illusion cantrips, duh.
So he can cast spells with only vocal components while caked in concrete? Are there any vocal-only spells to get out of it?

Gentlemen, storing ones phylactory is a simple task when one prepares.

It will be difficult, but seek out a Warding Box. The box and it's contents are immune to divination from all but the gods themselves. Place your phylactory inside and teleport into a stable, distant orbit around the planet. Half way to the moon should suffice. Let the box go and enjoy immortality.

Now, some of you may be worried over the need to prepare spells. A series of golden plates with Greater Teleport written upon them will get you back easily enough, but a real wizard has a Nameplate of Recall in their spellbook. With a word it will come to you in space and you can prepare for your return.

I've been using this method for centuries. My phylactory is so out of the way and hard to locate that the only way for me to retrieve it is to destroy myself and reform next to it.

But how do you cast spells with vocal components in a hard vacuum where sound could not exist?

How can one cast spells with vocal components without lips, lungs or a tongue?

If you need to ask these questions, you are but an apprentice. Lichdom is beyond you.

>How can one cast spells with vocal components without lips, lungs or a tongue?
>Illusion cantrips, duh.
Problem is even with illusions you'd still need a medium for the sound to travel through. Just like you cannot make optical illusions inside opaque objects.

>Using a teleport spell
>not just catapulting yourself to Earth so every time you're back it's announced by a fire body shooting through the sky and crashing somewhere in a blast
Why would you waste the opportunity to make an entrance like that?

Step 1: Establish yourself as a wealthy noble with no immediate family. Make sure you own a large manor house with an extensive cave system underneath

Step 2: Adopt a local orphan, preferably with levels in rogue. This orphan will be your phylactery. (If an orphan is not currently available, your lone manservant will do)

Step 3: To avoid unwanted intrusions from adventurers, it is recommended that you fight other villains and ne'er-do-wells on behalf of your chosen home city whilst dressed in an outlandish costume. Be sure to cultivate friendships with local law enforcement bodies to aid in this purpose.

Only a pleb lich would keep their phylactery in the same plane. Just make a new plane that has accelerated passage of time and keep your soul there.
Seeing faces of adventurers as you teleport back ready to roll literally a second after they kill your shell? Priceless.

>Step 2: Adopt a local orphan, preferably with levels in rogue. This orphan will be your phylactery. (If an orphan is not currently available, your lone manservant will do)
Why would you make your phylactery from something with an expiration date?

Are there any side effects of having your soul in a different timeflow zone I should be aware of?

I made the letter 'a' my phylactery ('e' was taken).
Ha
Haha
HAHAHAAHAAA!

The problem with that is if your demiplane is located there is a finite amount of space for your phylactory to be in. Any intruders will be able to find it within their mortal life times.

Space is vast, so very vast. It's also horribly inhospitable. The Warding Box method denies divination and makes physical searching impossible.

Well, some liches I know complain about feeling jet-lagged from time to time. But I never experienced it.

Why nit combine both? Hide your phylactery in a demiplane inside a warding box. There's so many personal demilplanes around they could not find yours without a divination, and the box would prevent exactly that.

... You know, you can take a warding box to your demiplane, right? And that being finite is not the same as being small? Even at planet-sized, the paladin will keel over before finding your phylactery.

Civilizations aren't eternal. Time will come and the alphabet you're using would be forgotten, and all the written evidences of it's existence lost.

You don't solve goblins through wanton destruction, goblins solve goblins through wanton destruction. What you want to be doing is searching for the nest, which has got to be nearby. If you're a based earthmage, a suitably powerful earthquake focused on the surrounding area will destroy the warrens, repeat a few times as often as possible in order to crush any hopes of the goblins establishing themselves.

If you're not an earthmage, then you can always get out, because you're not welcome here.

>What you want to be doing is searching for the nest
>going outside is for faggot druids anyway

I'm older than you think. There are currently 37026 civilizations in the multiverse that view me as a god and thank me daily for teaching them technology, science and language. And millions more that have forgotten they've got their alphabet from me.
You're forgetting that *all* matter has a half-life and some day even the quarks that make your phylactery will cease to be.
But ideas can live on forever.

t. Morgoth

Touche

>Now, if the cube is hollow, however...
>put phylactery in a 30x30 concrete cube
>that's hollow
I think that's called a ROOM.

Pretty sure he's one of THOSE Liches that came from a cleric background.

Fucking faggots with their int dump stats.

>casting universe sized magic for just a fucking phylactery when you could write yourself into the foundation of existence
>respawning in a random location in the universe

>respawning in an ancient chromatic dragon's horde
>when they get murder-y for just being on the same continent as their horde

>making your phylactery a living thing ever
Sure tastes like entwined souls in here.

>making your phylactery an easily smashed pot
DO YOU NOT FUCKING GET ELVES IN GREEN TUNICS WHERE YOU LIVE?

WHOOPS

I advise making it a small trinket and casting the appropriate indestructibility magic upon it, and then keeping it on your person. You should be the most dangerous thing you know, and from there on in you just keep a low profile, better yet, do charitable things. Spend a spare decade or two every once in a while making things good for the surrounding lands and you'll come out centuries later to tales of your benevolence, instead of having to fight off adventurers constantly.

Still better than sorcerer plebs

>needing to leave your residence to search for anything

>be me
> a wizard
>kidnap a princess
>no longer a virgin
>she comes back after 3 months
>is pregenat
WTF should i do?
Normaly i would just cast fire ball and be done with it, but i think i want to actually raise the child...but i have no experince
Any wizard dads out there?
Can you spare some advice?

i ecently had to move in with a female orc

i'm working a minimum wage internship at the college of magic so i can't afford to live anywhere else

what should i expect?

cast abortion

Can't you just pull and outsider from some plane of boring perfect fathers to do all this boring stuff for you?

Orcs are kind of dumb, but female orcs shouldn't bother you as long as you don't bully them

My dad did that with me....i didn't turn out very well

>cast abortion
Last time I did this a mob of protesters camped around my tower for months. Had to fireball them which only attracted more trouble as first guards came to arrest me for murder, then a royal army came to punish me for fireballing royal law enforcement. Now I'm a new king and is stuck with this boring fucking king job an all this boring fucking politicks and have no time left for my experiments.

Summon goblin. Make it king. Problem solved.

Never try to get a move on with her, unless you want to become a pussy-whipped member of her harem. If she already has one. My brother never came back.

This is why you don't make wis a dump stat

My friend that live near OP's tower tried it. It did''t go well.

wtf orc girls really have harems? i thought that was just a meme.

>>making your phylactery a living thing ever
>Sure tastes like entwined souls in here.
Not even that user but you don't get it, you make your phylactery something which will be teleporting btween living innocent people. I myself use a glass and emerald buttplug, it stays on someone until they are 14, then it looks for a new 6-12 host and embeds himself on her/him

The alphas do

btw it isn't a traditional buttplug, it's just a small ball wich stays on the host intestine, a propper buttplug would be a problem as people usually need to poop sometimes.

Some do, alphas, as said.

Unlike popular opinion, alphas can be both male and female, and it's NOT related to lineage. Given a favourable environment (Lack of competition, a target rich environment, gaining a taste for dominance), a beta can turn in an alpha.

I'd recomend you to get acquitanced with an alpha orc, just as friends, in order to create a less favourable environment for your roommate.

I wish you luck, my research wasn't in time for my brother.

is she really an alpha orc though? she lives alone in a human city and has to share her apartment with a betawizard like me.

May not be an alpha
Or shw could be looking for a human to add to her harem
Its best to not make advances

How long do you think it takes for people to make an impression on each other? It's really fucking quick, when you see years as minor allotments of time. Souls are no different.

With your plan, In a year or two you'll be able to see yourself in that kid, and they'll be able to see themselves in you. And because you're cycling through hosts at such a rapid rate, you're going to be making your mark on a large number of the population, and they'll be marking you. Every single one. A single century later and the dumbbell I'm berating now will not exist, instead you will be the sum of 15-50 good, innocent people.

Good fucking luck then.

What kind of bullshitly cheap materials are you using? if your phylactery is that sensible and permeable you have done something wrong

It's the good and innocence mate they're like a fucking virus.

That's why I banned all the Good gods worship in my realm. I banned al the others too because fuck clerics.

>can't even Charm Person
Get a load of this hedge wizard

That's a rape.
You know how it always ends with breaking local laws:

Look, newfag, I just cast Bigby's NEET Hand when the mobs show up. Level 1 commoners are no match for its "action-figure playing" maneuvers.

Metaphysically surrounded by level 3 Wizards. fml

Ideas can die when there are no more minds left to hold them. When there are no more people left in the multiverse, you will cease to be.

>Also if they have a girl with them how would i get her to sleep with me?
>wasting your time on some little peasant adventurer
>can't even figure out how to get her
>not just summoning a succubus or creating a simulacrum of a QT elf
Can you even call yourself a wizard?

Sup bitchz
Im a fighter
I also probably fucked the large majority of your mothers
Sue me

> Be me, low level Wizard, traveling in swamp looking for dank shrooms
> mfw mushroom man comes out of nowhere, steals my pack and runs
> mfw too stoned to cast
> mfw my pack has my spellbook
> mfw havs to resort to plebian nonmagic sneaking
> mfw two days with nothing to eat but poisonous shrooms, no clean water to drink
> mfw finally track the little bastard back to his campsite
> mfw there's hundreds of them
> mfw they're all worshiping a tree with a face
> mfw they feed it my pack and it starts casting cantrips
> mfw that was one of only two spellbooks I own
> mfw the other spellbook is hidden in my shack's basement three weeks travel away
> mfw

I want to get my revenge of these damned mushrooms and their retarded magical tree but without my spellbook, I can only cast cantrips. Before you say anything, I'm not going to spend six weeks traveling to my shack and back to get my spellbook, because the dankest shrooms in the swamp only grow for two weeks out of the year and I don't want it to have all been for nothing.

All I have on me is my knife, a half-used wand of sleep, some rope, my pimpin' Wizard hat and cloak, a tiny sack of blasting powder, and a pile of dank shrooms. Any advice /w/?

>Summoning a succubus
Hope having your soul taken is worth the 3 minutes(MAX)of having your dick sucked
>simulacrum of a elf
Dude
Thats just creepy

Teleportation Circle you to orbit

>using the dark gods to execute your wills and gaining immortality
>being a beta low-level mortal bitch
you made the wrong choice

>Hope having your soul taken is worth the 3 minutes(MAX)of having your dick sucked
How shit are you that you'd let a succubus you control take your soul?
>Thats just creepy
Better than your awkward flirting with some level 1 adventurer girl.

KEK
i stole an immortality potion from some beta alchemist
And thanks to my armor of warming, i won't be frozen forever
Id just come down from orbit and fuck you up

>he summons the shitty succubi
Wow
You have like noe demon summoning experince at all, do you

Enjoy your eternity of spinning in space doing nothing.

>he thinks i don't have the ability to fly
Winged boots bitch

>noe demon
kek

>selling your soul for pleasures of the flesh
thats a good goy...

Fuck off, im not on my scrying scroll
Fucking crystal ball posting...

>When the warp rapes it's way through the Far Realm and the faggot shapeshifting Jew tigers start worshipping it, and it' was a joint effort between Tzeentch and Slaanesh, and is now a part of the weave

WHAT THE FUCK.

I KNEW THE FUCKING NAGPA, AIR DEMONS AND VRROCKS LOOKING THE WAY THEY DO WASN'T A COINCIDENCE

>Winged boots bitch
You'd go mad from boredom long before you reach any inhabitable planet at that speed. Implying your dimpstat-Int brain with no Astronomy lore can help you find one.

A single coin in your treasury. Make it so it doesn't stand out from the others.

>Make it so it doesn't stand out from the others.
For a naked eye maybe, but any detect magic would instantly find it. Unless you imbue every other coin in your treasury with some dipshit's soul...
That's actually not a bad idea.

>Accidentally spends soul

>Being a Lich and actually paying for stuff

Just make sure you're not getting duped by Orcus, or any pit-fiend for that matter.

Libris Mortis has the collection on the allows sizes for your phylactery, which for SOME reason is connected to your size category.

You know, despite a bitch like Valindra who has one as tall as a fucking Mausoleum Spelchur Tomb coffin, like it's a massive stone, what the fuck you dumb bitch.

anty on wan potion? I gib potion.

Bitch please
They are greater wing boots of speed
I could probably go past lught speed in a second

>want to be immortal
>don't want to be a stupid rotting undead lich
wat do?
have magic not advanced enough yet to at least make lich form more aesteticaly pleasing?

I have some doubts a fighter can live to be 300, let alone 35 years old. And I'm being generous.

SCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE
NORMAL CLASSES GET OUT

>be wizard
>learn transmutation
>create Philosopher's Stone
>???
>Profit

Nah, just put a permanent non-detection spell on it.