DM Screen

What do you have behind yours?

Approximately four kilograms of cow manure.

Players Passive Perception and HP, who does and doesn't have Darkvision, NPC guides, six major gods, and six major political players,

Nothing.

I usually keep tabs on everyone's AC, passive scores, and ammo counts.

I ominously throw dice that serves no real purpose and mutter "Hm, interesting..." just to scare my players.

A laptop and usually either a mug of beer or a small row of shots of straight vodka.

...

tennis balls to throw at players who make extremely stupid decisions

Dice, rule reference book, campaign book, notecards, pencils, eraser, phone.