Story time. I'd like to hear your “I shouldn't be alive” stories that you're most proud of...

Story time. I'd like to hear your “I shouldn't be alive” stories that you're most proud of. Mostly looking for players getting clever. Miracle Crits can come too, but are you really PROUD of that?

I'll start.

>Playing SR3 after breaking out of forever-DM
>New DM is shit, but I'll take it
>Group all rolls characters. I roll decker/rigger because holy shit resource A was broken
>More money than I could ever need, start tricking out my safehouse
>Secret underground garage to store cars and illegal shit
>Garage let out into a secret passage into the Ork Underground, giving me a good escape route
>Helipad on the roof, because I can
>Building was built old as fuck, still had lead in the walls

Did a few runs. The team got pretty close, looking to me as their leader. Equal parts me knowing the system best, coming up with good (and occasionally funny) plans, and them being used to listening to forever-DM.

>Just got out of a run gone bad
>Tried to kidnap a sim-sense star to screw MegaMedia, one runner and the starlet got killed when Police kicked down the door
>Recovering, get a meetup with another Mr. Johnson
>He's working for MegaMedia
>Wants us to do a run for him for free to make it up to him
>HaHaHaNo.jpg
>Tell him to frag off; we work, we get paid
>Pulls out character's real name
>I call bullshit; we've fucked up, but never enough for them to have my name
>”I have contacts. I know things”
>Yeah, ok, whatever. So GM is upset that we don't want to do this run
>He offers to pay us a pittance, I tell him to fuck off
>He threatens us, I tell him to try it, and then head back to the safe house
>I play it of cocky, but I'm freaking out

(CONT)

>”Alright, so there's people we need to kill, we're going to need to find a new safe house, and-”
>Commlink rings. It's our Fixer
>”You guys turned him down?!”
>GM's still mad we turned down his job. Fuck him, we're off the rails
>”Yeah, and next time you want to give us a job, get us something that will PAY.”
>Click
>Packing up, just got my team into the secret garage. Commlink rings again
>”What do you want this time, Fixer?”
>”Look outside.”
>KNIGHT FUCKING ERRANT HAS MY SAFE HOUSE SURROUNDED

For those unfamiliar, in 3rd Edition, KE was the big guys on the block for corp security, backed by the megacorp specializing in big boom. And they were surrounding my fucking safe house because I turned down a job. God Dammit.

>”They've promised to call them off if you do this run.”
>”...alright. And you can't negotiate them down?”
>”They're really on you about this.”
>”NO SHIT. Alright... They win. Have them send someone to meet with me at workshop.”
>GM has this smug fucking look on his face. He thinks he's won. He's wrong.
>”Alright, they'll send Mr. Johnson, and-”
>”Fuck that. Have them send someone who can actually make decisions. If I'm negotiating my freedom here, I don't want to be talking to the courier.”
>They wind up sending the fucking VP of MegaMedia. Flying over in a helicopter
>Jesus GM was smug. He thought he had us over a barrel
>Meanwhile, I'm prepping
>Send my team out in my favorite car through the secret exit
>As far as the GM is aware, they're just leaving bugging out so they don't get seen
>In reality, they're making sure a path is clear for me and my motorcycle after shit hits the fan

(CONT)

Continue. Sounds interesting.

>I'm keeping my plans secret. If GM had the chance to plan around me, he'd come up with more bullshit
>Do simple shit. “Can we assume I have silver spray paint?” “Can I take apart the remote to my Trideo Projector?” “Can I disassemble my computer?” “I still have my biomonitor, right?”
>GM thinks this is odd, but doesn't see how this could help me, OK's it. Still thinks he's won.

>VP arrives. Meet him in my apartment above the workshop. I'm all ready. I have a notecard I prepped to flip.
>”I'm glad you've decided to do the smart thing.”
>”So am I. Which is why you'll be leaving, and giving a general order to delete my records from your database.”
>Confusion.jpg
>”Fixer said you were taking the job.”
>”Yeah, I lied to Fixer. You're going to do what I say here.”
>”We have the building surrounded, and my bodyguard could kill you before you get two shots off with whatever pistol you have.”
>I laugh. GM has been cheesy this whole damn campaign. It was my turn
>”You don't understand. I'm not trapped in here with you. You're trapped in here with me!”
>Flip the notecard, explaining what I had. I'd taken a memory tube from my computer, spray-painted it silver, and glued a button from my remote onto the end and a biomonitor onto the other end.
>I'd made a fake detonator and just pulled it out

(CONT)

>”If I do this run for you, I'm a pocket runner for the rest of my life. If I don't, I get shot, or hunted down with my real name.”
>”Either way, I'm dead. I have no problems taking you all out with me. If I press this button, this city block goes up. If my heartrate dips, this city block goes up.”
>”You want to walk out of here alive, VP, you're going to give that order.”
>GM pipes up. “They scanned the building! They know there's no expl-”
>”Old building, remember? All sorts of lead in it. They got shit for readings.”
>GM thinking of another way to railroad us, but at this point, he realizes he's been beaten
>The VP wants to live, and has no reason to doubt my character's being serious
>They're not getting a good look at the detonator to see that it's fake
>He gives the order and leaves. As he's going back to his helipad, I fuck off down my tunnel to our new safe house
>And promptly sever all contact with that damn fixer who may or may not have set us up.

And that's the story of how my character won by calling in a fake bomb threat to his place of business.

Jesus christ your GM was a faggot.

tl;dr

Did the GM get better afterwards?

>my character's a half-orc Barbarian in a 5e game
>in the last adventure he found a Lightbringer mace, which is +1 and also deals 1d6 radiant damage to undead
>the party is now exploring a temple full of cultists of Talona
>after killing cultists and other nasties, I used up all my rage for the day
>also contracted a sickness so that I can't regain health with short or long rests
>still exploring the temple, my character opens a wooden door, different from the stone slabs that we encountered up until now
>as soon as my companion sets foot in the room, the door slams close behind me, pushing me into the room with the fighter and the cleric
>there's not enough time to check the door, because from the sarchopagi in the room two mummies claw their way out
>we engage them
>I go first, hit with my two attacks one of the mummies for half of it's health thanks to good rolls
>cleric tries to bash mummy with nonmagical weapon: doesn't work
>mummy glares at me
>Ohshit.gif
>wisdom save is shit
>paralyzed
>mummy attacks, crits
>con save is +6, I should be good right?
>nat 1 the con save, now I have mummy's rot
>shitshitshit.jpg
>still paralyzed, cleric is getting beaten up by other mummy, fighter does a bit of damage because of shitty rolls
>I can't do shit because I'm paralyzed
>mummy attacks again, hits, I go into negatives
>use half-orc racial which allows me to stay at 1 HP
>mummy attacks again
>fighter misses everything, nuffle hated him
>cleric is dealing with his own Amumu still
>my turn, finally free of paralysis
>swing, swing
>miss, miss
>mummy attacks again
>crits
>youActivatedmytrapcard.mp4
>have an inspiration card the GM gave me the first session "Tenacity": when I hit 0 HP, I'm allowed one free attack before I go unconscious
>hit twice
>mummy dissolves into dust at the same time as I hit the ground

The others rolled better and killed the second mummy... in the next session we will have to go and deal with an adult black Dragon at level 5: wish me luck!

>Playing 3.x D&D
>Psionics theme game
>Group is two psions -- a noble girl kineticist with a deep desire to be away from home who roped the rest of us into helping/bodyguarding her and an Elan astral construct specialist shaper with a hatred of Illithids that rivaled your average Githzerai (me); an aggressively proselytizing cleric of the God of Fire; and a half-goblin Soulknife/Fighter gestalt that was mostly like Belkar from OotS with mind blades
>We'd been gleefully going off the rails without even realizing it. Kill when we should talk, talk when we should kill, missing clues and chasing non-clues. It was fun but it was high time we got ourselves back to the 'a' plot according to the GM.
>GM sets up an encounter intended to defeat and capture the party. It's a fairly balanced, decently optimized group 6 EL higher than our average party level, which should be a curb stomp
>The GM's mistake was going at Psions when we were fresh.
>Goblin Belkar wins initiative and goes toe to toe with the Paladin. Cleric comes next, serves the God of Hellfire and brings us a wall of Fire nicely separating the remaining enemies into left, right, the paladin in front, and the ones in the ring.
>Psions go nova in their own ways. Protip: Maximum force Kineticist powers HURT. Big, strength-sapping Astral Construct appears to take over the right to handle the enemy dwarf followed by crystal shards being jammed into whatever needs killing.
>Left side of the map, with an enemy ranger and wizard that came around from the back burn to death between powers and flame strike.
>Paladin and Belkar still fighting it out, but Belkar is a trip-AoO fiend who's just keeping paladin on the floor and building damage.
>Dwarf on the right falls down.
>Enemy cleric chick forces her way through the wall of fire, taking a ton of damage.
>Shaper starts Ego Whipping her