Keila is a girl from a simple lumber milling village. She is engaged to her childhood sweetheart Alden...

Keila is a girl from a simple lumber milling village. She is engaged to her childhood sweetheart Alden. They were to be wed in Spring but due to the threat of invasion from the Empire, all abled young men were required to serve in the military. Keila promised to wait for her love to return and during their monthsnapart they wrote to each other. The letters stopped however and news of the Northern front where Alden was stationed suffering heavy losses came. Two more months with no news and Alden's belongings have not been returned. Despite her fellow villagers telling her that she should stop waiting and move on, she did not lose hope. She set on a journey to the Northern front to see for herself what fate befell her love, hoping he is still alive. Now she looks for abled bodied companions to escort her to the battle lines. The reward she offers is modest but she is willing to pull her weight in the party.

Who among take this maiden's offer? State your name and skills.

I'm AxeHands, and I'm a giant killer robot that has axes for hands.

I am... uh... John Johnson, a trustworthy and reliable mercenary. A real hero! Hey, what's wrong with your pants? Are they so small, because you can't afford proper clothing? You do have money, yes?

Good luck, miss. You'll be needing it where you're going.

/thread

She has her Grandfather's mastercraft sword which I'll pawn off to pay for your services. He served in the military in the the last war with the Empire

What does mister golem need?

(Expunged)

I already know what you want!

THERE ARE NONE WHO ARE WORTHY OF MY SKILL!

ADVENTURE SUSTAINS AXEHANDS

I'll keep you squeeky clean then!

Gunther. I have a big dick and I'm very good in bed.

Ok... I gues we can use some one we a sly tounge

She clearly has fingers of her own, so...

Any useful skills?

So we have an Axe Golem, Johnson the merc, a deranged sage, and Gunther the sweet talker

Uh... Fate has foretold!

I can also cook and tame succubi and other lesser demons. Mostly with hip gyrations. The demons and succubi take a sword though.

Anymore applications? I need someone who is familiar with the way to the Northern front.

Cartographer and explorer here, I can lead us there.
I can also read. And I have a small dagger. You don't want me in the fighting.

Trapper and army scout. I think I can help, which part of the Northern Front you headed to, miss?

Uh, we don't need this guy. He seems like a fraud to me.

Burn you, Malcom! It's been years! Did your brother ever make it home?

i am fred the rapist
i am an apothecary of some reknown and also incredibly wealthy
my nickname comes from an unfortunate misunderstanding many years ago
let's get going

Your face, it seems... Familiar. Have we met?

I suppose she needs a few more companions, than heterosexuell males
after all, she wants to stay pure for Alden

pff, I'm an old man, the pecker dun't even work anymore. But my eyes still do

Axehands will protect her purity

He never did, Horace. Tracked his party as far as the North Passage before early snows forced us back. Last anyone saw him was a trade post outside of Bastion. I blame the elves.

How about you, you old dandy, did you ever find someone to take you past the southern border?

I'M BLIND!

and you are who?

good, but we still need a hetero female or homo male companion, or an asexuel one, or something like axehand again

that doesn't mean, you can't touch her anymore

>The demons and succubi take a sword though.
and I thought, you use your big dick for that

Where!? Who is talking to me?

hard to say. i meet a lot of people in my line of work.

do you go to jazz clubs?

Isn't that what I said? Hip gyrations are useless if not punctuated with the thrust of a mans sword.

>a seven foot tall construct made of stone towers before Keila. It's glowing, blue eyes are fixed on the girl.

"muffled humming noise"

>the silent being uses it's it's clunky, three-fingered arm to point at the girl and slowly moves it's hand back to it's chest.

"muffled humming, followed by a short, damp beeping noise"

>the construct kneels down and carefully reaches it's hand towards Keila


How does she react?

Designation The133th.
This one is an magically animated sentient machine with superhuman durability combat ability
This one will honor this one's end of the contract in words and spirit.
This one will accompany you in your journey.
This one's service are available for the right price.

The133th accept payment in precious metal or rare items.

Note: This one posses no sex organ of any kind. This one will be trusted as loyal companion who will protect your body and purity for the right price.

well, ok, I am Keila's brother, who was also at the northern front
I don't understand my sister
the whole battle was a massacre

oh, sorry, my fault

Elvish spear fighter ranger and known hero here.
Even if i think - but not say so - that this task is maybe a little boring i really believe in love and hope you find your friend... and if now... well you seem to be quite hot...

Horace
I make maps, I am an explorer and cartographer

I did but the bloke died a month in. I got lost for three. Came back with some impressive scars from the bassers and gorshes.

where is Axe when we need him?

Quite the retune that you're acquiring now young lady, at this rate you'll need someone to finance the expedition. I'd be happy to if you let me come along and permitted one small detour.

I don't like the look of this one. Surely my sword will be enough to protect the maidens purity! Did I mention my rate? It's very low. Very low. One would have to get on their knees to truly understand just how low it is.

Hi! It doesn't matter who I am or what I'm doing; all you need to know is that I took levels in Thrallherd. Come along, Blond 3.

Would you be needed a map for this detour?

i'm a pissy user and I can call your foes faggots.

Pay me.

Thank you. Really.

I suppose, it's not even a detour really just a side stroll it'll hardly take any time at all I just want to reclaim something of mine from the Ferrus Marshes.

Now I'm sure I've got a map of the Ferrus Marshes. Or was it the Ferrous Hills? Dammit, I'm sure I've both. Or neither, wait. NO! Here it is! Yes, I keep it here next to the tube with the map of the Verros Marches....

I'm Pierre Grognard. I have zero useful skills, but I can convince you that your boyfriend sucks so that you can stay home.

>Keila is actually horrifyingly scary to Adden
>Adden purposely went to war as an opportunity to avoid her

I'll take the offer if she sits on my dick.

I, SHINING JUSTICE RAINBOW VALKYRIE, would be honored to fight for the cause of true love!

I wield the power of light and goodness to heal and protect the innocent and bring justice to the forces of darkness!

forget that, even I failed as her brother

sounds great, but one question still remains, are you a lesbian, or bisexuell?

What's a "lesbian"?

And "bisexual", do you mean like those worms that are both boys and girls at the same time? How rude of you to even suggest such a thing!

ok, you are hired. just make sure, that no man comes near my sister

Hmm ... I am Mortimer and I specialize in recon and moving unseen as well as eliminating single targets. May I ask what are your skill young maiden?

You can count on me! A magical girl would never allow something as pure as true love to be sullied!

I would enjoy watching your cooking techniques.

Don't get in haste to discount my skills until you've heard me bitch and moan.

and how would that work?

My, my, my! Heading off to the northern front are we? Would you mind if I tag along? I can promise you good company, an able sword at your back, and a promise to keep you and all of your companions safe with my life, should the need ever arise! Of that you have my word!

And before I forget my manners, my name is Adrian. Adrian Nathriale.

Oh chap you certainly look familiar...
Didn't you lose a horse to me in a game of Bagger?

Unfortunately not. What I lost to you during our game of Bagger, was a sack of silver, and an expensive bottle of wine. I would never bet my darling Serena on a game! That would be cruel! Far too cruel!

I shall go on to the end, I shall bitch in France, I shall bitch on the seas and oceans, I shall bitch with growing confidence and growing strength, I shall bitch all across our Island, whatever the cost may be, I shall bitch on the beaches, I shall bitch on the landing grounds, I shall bitch in the fields and in the streets, I shall bitch in the hills; I shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then other members of the Grognard extended family beyond the seas, armed and guarded by exemplary close-mindedness, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, everyone is exhausted and willing to do anything to stop the ceaseless bitching.

I kek'd

rattle rattle

What? Serena? Certainly wasn't your horse then, I swear I've had LaChance for long as I can remember. Truth told can't remember too far. Oh well, she's a darlin. Was that wine from South Barrowton? I've a dozen maps or so made of the Barrowald's valleys and cliffs, old ruins, you know. Come to think of it, twer a man lookin a might less affluent than you. I like Barrowald wine, they make it of plums.
Anyway, I'm a master of Bagger, at least, though I fret mentioning it may meet with many a challenge to a game!

Well hiya there! I heard you might be looking for a good group of traveling companions for the road, and I figured I'd offer you a hand!

I like to think I'm half decent with a bow and arrow, and I know how to cook a meal that would make you cry tears of joy!

Anyone ever tell you, you sound alot like Lady Tria Werntale of Budourn? Just constantly bitching!

That's quite the eye for wine you have my friend! That wine is indeed from South Barrowton! I always grab a bottle or two for the road whenever I pass through it! I hope you could taste the apple and citrus in the wine! It gives it a sweet, and rather tangy flavour.

Have you met the lady? I hear she's a mouth of a horse. Never could tell if that were to how she speaks or if it were that she's long in the tooth.
So well then, you're a purveyor of the swagger'd drink I see. Truth I like my wines of plum from the northeastern Barrowald hills, such Tanter and Greenbarrow wines. Take ye' a trip oe'r seas sometime west then you'd best try the spiced rum at Cragshore Spire

I have business up that way. Hop on and hold on tight, I intend to make as few stops as possible. If you can cook alls the better.

Hello, child. My name is Ralof Gudborn, and I'm returning home which is near by the Northern Front. I have no problem accompanying you to find your childhood sweetheart if you desire. I can fight well and I have years of experience under my belt as a mercenary guard to Emperor Balius II in the south, and I willing to die to keep you safe if the price is right. If you wish Keila, I will help you.

Was it you what lost LaChance to me in Bagger?

Hmmm
So you need help
Hmm nootka hmm
*look at the horse*
Hmm you work for me now

Horace you Son of a Bitch! *strong handshake*
You won a damn good amount of gold from me you sneaky devil, but it a fun night of drinking and whoring! It's good to see you again!

Careful of the wrist, my boy! Not what it used to be. One of these days you younger's are gonna realize you can't drink and Bagger with old Horace!
But do y' mind helpin me with all these tubes?

APOLOGIES FRIENDS AXEHANDS WAS OUT SPENDING HIS STARTING WEALTH ON AXES

AXEHANDS DOES NOT KNOW WHERE HE ACQUIRED STARTING WEALTH FROM BUT HE HAS IT NO LONGER

AXEHANDS HAS AXES THOUGH

FOR HANDS

No problem my friend! *starts picking up the tubes* this child, Keila, does she know the risks at the Northern Front?

Thank you my boy. The girl must know, I think, she's aware of the war at least. I swear I met her beau once before I think, Arlen, Landen, somethin. Dunno, won a copper egg from the chap.

You are a big....man? I do like your Axes though! An axe is a man's best friend, after a dog of course.

I would slit her throat with my +2 keen dagger and force her underwater where her flowing blood quickly stains the water red, her struggles and gurgles reduced to quiet splashes that can barely be heard even a few feet away. Once she stops moving, I will drag her body to the forest and begin cutting it up into smaller pieces that are easier to conceal. After having my way with her corpse, of course.

I've heard disturbing rumors of a, dare I say, a wurm moving around in the mountains near the Northern Front. Most likely the superstitions of some the natives that live there, but it is something to be concerned about. It's very likely not a wurm, since there's no such thing, but could be a barbarian horde using the mountain trails to move there men.

NO

Tell you the truth I don't believe in monsters anymore anyway. I've seen the skulls of a hundred different beasts of all shapes and sizes and the thing is, they were skulls, nothin more. Beasts die, none of them don't.

I heard a lot while chartin Kallemen that there's was dead walkin everywhere and you know what I saw? I saw some dirty chaps with boils and sores starvin to death and attackin people for food, lost a horse to em. Bastards startin eatin him raw right there, poor chaps.
Let met tell you, wadn't no monsters, just disease. I've never seen a wurm, but a lil trade secret, you sell more maps when you tell people you have.

I mind to drawin em on the edge's of the parch too, hehe

HAHA! That's why I like you Horace, smart and full of guile.
You. I don't like you. AXEHANDS, I believe it's time to show this fellow how men, and robots, the power of the axe.

ENGAGING COMBAT MANEUVERS

>AXEHANDS may attack with both of his hands at no penalty. They count as magical for overcoming damage resistance, deal 2d12+5 damage each, grant him +9 on all attack rolls, and have the Vorpal quality. These qualities also apply to any mundane weapons he wields.
>AXEHANDS may then use the Improved Quickdraw Feat to immediately draw and attack with any two weapons in his inventory. Typically, these are axes.
>He may then use a swift action to drop the axes, and use Improved QuickDraw to draw and attack two more axes.
>Due to his Improved Swiftness ability, he may repeat this process until he runs out of weapons in his inventory.
>After AXEHANDS has run out of axes, he may cast Magic Missile LVL 5 from his eyes, hitting an opponent automatically with 5 missiles (per eye). Due to his Spell Focus: Magic Missile, these missiles hit for 1d10+5 damage each
>AXEHANDS may then take a free action to breath fire in a 30 foot cone in front of him. Due to his racial levels, this does 8d6 fire damage. A successful Reflex save (DC 37) halves the damage.
>AXEHANDS may then spend an Action Point to repeat the entire process. In addition, due to his Enhanced Looting class feature, he automatically picks up any and all weapons dropped whenever he spends an Action Point, allowing him to put all of his dropped axes back into his inventory without an action.
>AXEHANDS has 23 Action Points. 26 if he is in his Favored Environment: In the Atmosphere.
>Once his turn ends, AXEHANDS's Familiar may act immediately after him. AXEHANDS has chosen himself as a Familiar.

You'll get nothing but this poem from me.

Wait for me, and I'll come back!
Wait with all you've got!
Wait, when dreary yellow rains
Tell you, you should not.
Wait when snow is falling fast,
Wait when summer's hot,
Wait when yesterdays are past,
Others are forgot.
Wait, when from that far-off place,
Letters don't arrive.
Wait, when those with whom you wait
Doubt if I'm alive.

Wait for me, and I'll come back!
Wait in patience yet
When they tell you off by heart
That you should forget.
Even when my dearest ones
Say that I am lost,
Even when my friends give up,
Sit and count the cost,
Drink a glass of bitter wine
To the fallen friend -
Wait! And do not drink with them!
Wait until the end!

Wait for me and I'll come back,
Dodging every fate!
"What a bit of luck!" they'll say,
Those that would not wait.
They will never understand
How amidst the strife,
By your waiting for me, dear,
You had saved my life.
Only you and I will know
How you got me through.
Simply - you knew how to wait -
No one else but you.

Sorry, I was off helping a man with a cart, bad back, but I can change a wheel, for sure.
I thank you, Ralof, you've always been too kind. Now now, Axehands, your talent will be put better use when we get to the front line. Wouldn't do you much good to go swingin about at places where you accept work for coin, lest you like to sleep out in the cold and the rain. No one is telling you ya bad at yar occupation, axe. You wouldn't make maps any better than I'd swing one of those axes. Now try this wine, it's mullberry!

I kind of want to see this happen now... Someone drawfag this

Keila
Axehands
Johnson
Deranged Sage
Gunther
Malcom
Fred
Horace
Keila's brother
The113th
Elvish Spearmaster
Gentleman Crow
Bartholomew Doff
SHINING JUSTICE RAINBOW VALKYRIE
Mortimer
Adrian Nathriale
Melissa Hannaford
Ralof Goodborn

Can she even pay for all these people?

I am Sir Winterfist, hero of the Northern Seas, conquerer of the Isles, destroyer of Olaf the White, slayer of the Dragon if Raven Hall and... Well, I am an honest man and not afraid to admit when I am bested, and I am clearly outmatched. I concede Victory to thee, Sir AxeHands, you're clearly the better man.

Didn't I win a noisy bird from you in a game of Bagger?

Look, if this is about that cursed Raven, I'm afraid I've sworn a Holy Vow of No Takebacks. He's yours now.

Oh he's not here any more. Complained about the cheese, followed me around for weeks. Damned bird never even ate the cheese, just squawked about it, "Yi cheese is bad!", again and again.

Good eats though.

For a magical girl, a good deed is its own reward! To see true love prevail and the darkness of despair driven back by the light is all the payment I need!

Is it too late to join in?

I am the good witch Scroopius Fly Mallowtaur, the sea-witch of the Northern Forests.

I swear that my claws shall no burden lay before fair Keila. Tis' a chance at seeing true love blossom that brings me from my hidden grotto!

Will this be a lightbhearted fantasy comedy show?

Tfw Keila reunites with her loce who is shell shocked. She makes love to him to comfort him. Shining Justice Rainbow witnesses it.

So one of Keila's companions will be an Imperial spy right? Keila's brother and SHINING JUSTICE RAINBOW will become an item.

Horace is the Imperial Spy who uses cartography as a cover to gain logistical intel for the Empire