Being a bastard in 5e

Each post you make in a thread contributes to a total limit. Presumably you're going to continue explaining your story in a different post, which is unnecessary. You could simply have replied to me, then continued your story on a new paragraph.

I see.
>Next was a warlock, played by an utter sociopath. He would mutilate bodies, fuck with people at random, and just try to do the most brutal things for absolutely no reason. He was the edgiest piece of shit in the whole game, and we fought a vampire cult. He was a 10 years old dragon born, and only background or motives was that he killed his parents for power, and wanted more power. He comes back to screw the group over later.
>We had another Dragonborn, a ranger, but he didn’t do much story wise, and I don’t remember him much. He was a generic point and shoot hunter, but was still solid in combat. But paid zero attention to the game.

>Then we had a more interesting character was our fighter, who was a tiefling. He was pretty cool to start, but in the third session he got way too overpowered and became a dick bag. He was the second edgiest character, who was unknown and always wore a robe and a towel head mask, cause, “I am a Blade in the night. I have killed more people than you have meet. Death follows me where I go. Ect, ect.”
>And, the one I laugh at most, was our human druid that literally had no idea what a druid did. He spent most of his down time walking in the woods, casting find animals every five minutes, and kept finding basic woodland creatures. He got super pissy about it too.

For reference, you could quite easily tell the story like this:

>A while back, a friend of my younger brother wanted to DM a D&D 5e campaign. He was pretty new to the game itself, and had never DM’d before. I was hesitant to join but my brother convinced me. Decided to have a little fun, and make a boarder line “That Guy” character. The dice gods smiled on me, and Eri Dren the human sorcerer was born. 19 strength and charisma off the bat. Fun times ahead. Was going to give the DM a bit of grief and play a loose cannon maverick, who liked to hit his enemies with both magic and his fists.
>Meet up with the rest of the group on game day, and realize I am in for hell. The DM was a year or two younger than me, and he invited his younger friends to play. We had 6 members, and all but me had any experience playing, so shit hit the fan quick. And the characters. Oh god. I still cringe at the thought of them.
>The first we’ll start with is my brothers. I had such hopes for him. Decided to play as a monk named Rogan, a roid-raging half orc that had on, and I quote, ”Only a bearskin cape and a belt”. And at every chance he got would just fuck the campaign, literally. The first important female NPC we met he tried to rape in broad daylight. He would also rush into battle, waste all his Ki points on 2-3 low level minions, then get brutally gangbanged by the higher level enemies. He was a powerplayer through and through, didn’t follow his alignment, barely kept in character, and was generally a whiny bitch.
>Next was a warlock, played by an utter sociopath. He would mutilate bodies, fuck with people at random, and just try to do the most brutal things for absolutely no reason. He was the edgiest piece of shit in the whole game, and we fought a vampire cult. He was a 10 years old dragon born, and only background or motives was that he killed his parents for power, and wanted more power. He comes back to screw the group over later.

There is a 2000 character limit.

>And so Cunt squad was formed and headed off to fight the biggest Cunt in the land, a vampire count by the name of Von Krieg. To his credit, the DM did pretty well at points and made a neat story. But god did things fall to pieces.
>It all began with us waking up in a prison, after being attacked by mysterious creatures. There was two of us per cell, along with a few other prisoners. One told us that we were in the counts “Live Stock Pens”, and were going to be the main course for his party guests upstairs. Fuck. We all began to try and work our way out. Being first level characters, we could do jack shit, and not having a rogue really sucked. I tried to get the guards attention and pull the old injured prisoner routine on him. No luck there, and the others were doing jack all. The Warlock was trying to contact the Fiend for help, the ranger just kept rolling investigation checks, druid attempted to turn into a bear to which the dm said he needed to touch a bear first, and Rogan was trying to eat the bars.
>I was accepting my fate of being a vampires snack, when a kindly old alchemist spoke up to us. He said he had managed to scrounge together enough material to make a small amount of acid, and would give us it if we helped him escape.
>Obvious hook, but it was the DM's first time so I was okay with it. Until Rogan ripped the guys arm off as he handed him the acid. He died in a turn from bleeding, and was screaming the entire time. We then heard the guards coming down to check it out.
>”Okay, Rogan. You have the acid, which is enough to melt through two cell locks. What do you-”

“I drink it!”

“A-Are you sure?”

“YES!”
>He fucking drinks half the acid, and then proceeds to roll a 20 for constitution saving. This happens a lot, and was the only reason he lived as long as he did. So, after getting his tusked polished, he empties the rest on to the lock. Him and the ranger are out. And then spend a good 10 minutes fucking with the alchemists body.

>Guards come bolting down the hallway, yelling at the two. The ranger can’t do much since no equipment, but this is where I was glad we had a monk. Rogan single handedly beat the two of them, beating one to death with his dead comrades leg. He had a thing from ripping things off.
>So we get the keys of the guards, and find our equipment in a chest. I’m ready to book it, but everyone else develops a conscious and wants to save the rest of the prisoners. Who just saw a half orc rip a mans arm off and beat someone to death with a leg. Yes they would go with us. While they all fucked around trying to convince a crying man to come out, I when upstairs to see what was going on.
>Awesome as hell party that’s what. While the DM may have been poor at plot and story, he was good about details. I won’t try to copy it, as by this point you realize I am not.
>But, the party was very well done. Big dance floor, finest foods, lots of fun. Except for the few people crucified and bleeding into a big fountain, was a great time. My character, being a narcissistic and evil man, started mingling. Thank god for charisma. I learned that Count Von Krieg(original, no. Fitting, yeah.) had four generals, a Cambion, a hyper intelligent cyclops, a death knight, and a mind flayer. Fucking wat? Oh and he completely controls the city below his castle, and the surrounding country with his own personal army of vampire spawn.

>I’m panicking because we have to fight all this shit at some point, and I'm pretty sure the DM doesn't know how tough they can be. The others are just now coming up, leading a crowd of 20 or so prisoners. Besides the ranger, they all have horrible dex and fail their stealth checks immediately. I’m in the corner sipping a martini, waiting for them to get slaughtered. When low and behold, the Count himself shows up. Floats down, looking like a stereotypical vampire douche, as 6 guards surround the group. The count then did what every great villain does, and talks to them instead of ripping their spines out.
”Well, hello there.”

“Um...hi.”

“So what brings you to my party, I don’t think I’ve seen you all before.”

“Um...a friend invited us.” Rolls 18 for deception.

“Ah wonderful, I always love a new guest. Please, make yourselves at home. Don’t worry, most people here don’t bite.”
>They fucking passed, and slipped out of the party. I stayed around for a bit, using charisma and magic to make a few friends in high places. Thats when I ran into the Cambion. She was interesting. Part for the fact she wasn't just demon fan service, and that she quickly intimidated my character after a botched charm roll. Got the fuck out of there before I was sent to her dungeon. We did later confirm she had one, but it was less sexy torture, and more torture torture.

>So we had make it to the city. In all its grim coated nature. Literally, it was covered in just shit and dirt. Most places were closed as it was well past midnight, and that vampires were patrolling the streets. The warlock wanted to kill one so we could send a message. Upon learning how tough a Vampire warrior was, and the fact the patrols were always in threes, he changed his mind. We wandered around, Monk yelling into windows and doors threatening to kill the people inside if they didn’t open up, warlock rolling stealth every time a patrol walked by, the ranger and fighter were just chilling in the back, the druid is rolling animal friendship at fuck all, and I just trying to find us a tavern because those guards look hungry. I swear I was the only one doing actual things.
>We eventually find an inn that was still open, and buy a room for the night. In the morning we head down and see a few bandits, that were straight up greasers, harassing the bartender. Well we can’t have that. So we plan on what to do, when the giant green cunt yelled out “WE FIGHT!!!” before he jumped off the walkway, a 30ft drop, and rolled to land on one. Nat 1. He shatters his fucking ankles and goes into the negative. Dm was nice\stupid enough to say when we hit zero we didn’t die, just feel unconscious until someone woke us up and healed us.

>Stealth is out the window, so we just shoot them like rational people with magic and arrows. We kill them, and were feeling pretty good. The monk then launched a tantrum about how it was stupid he got knocked out and didn’t get anything from combat. To bad.
>The DM then felt bad, and didn’t want to lose a player during the first session, said that xp was shared through the entire group. So even if everyone just sat on their ass while one person killed everything, they all got the xp. Was bullshit, especially for the fighter who after that did nothing just occasionally hit enemies that came to him in the back lines.
>At this point I’m pretty upset with the group. They are all murder-hobo-mary-sue-Power players who can’t even make a plan to fight 5 bandits. They always tried to fuck each other over by ignoring obvious traps, stealing from each other, metagaming to learn what each other was doing. The metagaming got so bad the DM had to go into the other room with the players to give loot and plot.
>Oh, but you thought I’d quite. Oh no. I decided that if they wanted to be little shits and not play the game right, then I would use my vast knowledge of exploites, charisma, and influence with the DM to take control.
>Moving on, we ask the barkeeper if there's any work to be found. He tells us about a business with a rat problem, and an orphanage that needs help. We’ll take the rats. We had out, and find the warlock in a back alley cutting up the bandits bodies. He wasn’t even that well hidden just behind a trash pile cutting up 5 corpses in broad daylight. The monk and druid then help.
>We finally get done with the corpses, we head out to make some gold. We also learn that the vampire warriors have enchanted armor that lets them be in sunlight without taking damage.
By now, I'm sure the DM has no idea how much he's fucking us over. We have to fight through all of them, a death knight, a cyclop, cambion, and a vampire count to win.

There any more to this clusterfuck, op?

Oh yes. This was all in the first session. Much much more

>After a long walk, twice rolling to deceive the guards that,”No, this potato sack isn’t full of still bleeding severed limbs.” we make it to the rat problem. Fat merchant greets us, tells us that every night dozens of rats come up from the basement and destroy a lot of his products. 20 gold a person. Rogan tries to intimidate for more gold. Merchant laughs and says no. Rolls again. Still no. Says he rolls to kill the man. I roll first and use charm person, 19 total. He says he still rolls to hit the man. I tell him you don’t and to walk outside to get me some water. Has to because he’s charmed, but bitching OOC about how this is bullshit and that he should still be able to kill the guy.
>We head down into the basement, and start looking for clues. We find a false panel on the floor, which leads into the city's sewer system. We head in, ranger in front, warlock, monk and druid behind him, me and the fighter in the back. We fight a few rat swarms, to which the warlock uses all his spell slots, and Rogan wastes all his Ki.
>We continue forward until the ranger and now useless monk get caught in a net. We take a few poisoned arrows before spotting two were rats. We kill them, and search their bodies. Turns out they’re just guards. Fuck. Half the party is now poisoned, me and the warlock have only cantrips, druid has no combat spells, the monk is useless, and we still have a ways to go.

>I suggest that we all take a short rest, just to get rid of the poison and get some spells back, while the fighter watches out for any more were rats. The fighter says he’s not going to stand watch even though he only got hit twice through this whole thing, and the others want to push through, even though we were all at half health.
>Fuck this, you can go die without me. I head back up to go talk to the merchant, while they keep fighting. As the DM said, I’m still getting the XP even though I’m not fighting. The group deals with a few more swarms, a couple giant rats, and 4 more were rats. But now their getting brutally screwed by the rats.

>I, on the other hand, begin negotiating with the merchant. In private I talked to the DM about the party last night, and if I made any friends. He says three pretty posh people like me. I tell this to the merchant, and say I can help him in business, if he makes me his partner in business. DM sort of chuckles and says the man agrees. He has no idea
>So, I’m back to full health, have my spells back, and am about to level when the group fucks up. They found the Wererats den, and have started sieging it. 2 turns in the realize there is a lot of rats, and they are way more prepared than they are. I rush down, and with some burning hands and magic missile, we break through. We torch the place and head back up. The rest of the party is bitching that I didn’t help, and that I ran off from them and they almost died. They wanted me to get nothing, and the monk tried to rape me. Fortunately, I had the forethought to get half the payment from the merchant and gave it to them.
>This continues for a while, with the group leveling up by doing small jobs, and have started to get powerful. Unfortunately, they let it go to their heads. The fighter pays someone to make his a iron golem, and the DM allows it for only 300 gold. The warlock is going around, murdering people, cutting up their bodies, and then doing jack all with it. The druid is still rolling for animal friend ship in the middle of the city, but he now has a nice gathering of rats, stray cats and dogs, and several pigeons. The ranger is only paying attention for half of this, and is on his phone for a lot of the game. Also the monk has broken into 3 businesses, almost been caught and killed, and gotten only 200 gold to show for it.

>I was busy trying to mingle with the high life, and try to get a few more merchants to sign up with me. Turns out the DM didn’t fully understand how charmed person worked. People you cast it on had no idea they’d been charmed and still liked you, and he let you cast spell unlimited times out of combat. Safe to say, I had a small group of merchants funding me. The DM was very giving.
>We suddenly got word of some cult stirring up trouble. Mainly because there was 5 of them preaching on top of a platform with some freaky as hell mutant cow/dog/lobster thing. It was really creepy. Mostly because it was the one preaching. Some god had awakened and was coming to bring chaos. Well the monk was having none of that, and started punching said mutant thing. It was at this point we learned that the cultist were also mutants, and we killed all but one, who could regenerate. The group tied him up, threw him on a wagon and wheeled him back to the tavern and dropped him in the basement.
>So we got the notion the DM wanted us to check this out, and so we traveled to their base. A few bandits and random encounters later, we were there. By this point we were all level 5, so pretty tough. Still a group of retards, but tough.
>As we approach, we start seeing idols, symbols, and quilts made of people. The warlock was very interested. As we got to their lair, we saw it was some old mage tower with new cabins and tents set up around it. About 30 or so cultists, all in various stages of mutation. Well, I figured that our two best dex, and there for stealth, characters should try and sneak in. This didn’t happen. The monk and Warlock decide to head in. They kill two cultists quietly, take their robes, and sneak towards the tower. They make it, and start looking around. First floor was some kind of school or church, the second and third floors were storage, and the fourth was a library. They then saw a giant 5 faced potato man. He walked down talking to himself about the next sermon.

>At the top they find a rather nice living area. On the one table is a book, which we immediately guessed was the cults bible. It was bound in human skin, covered in all kinds of eyes, and was glowing green. Normally, a group wouldn’t touch that shit with a pole. Mine just goes up and grabs it. The monk opens the book, and it immediately starts screaming and bites him. His hand also turns into a cats paw. They heard a lot of people running up the stairs, and have a choice to either stand and fight, using the stuff in the room and the stairs angle to hold them off until we can help, or jump out of a 50ft high building. They took number two.
>Monk grabs the warlock, still holding the book, and charges the window. It was only when he was falling did he remember he had feather fall. So they land, fairly well, when they realize they are now surrounded and exposed to about 30 very upset cultists.
>The rest of the group has been making the best of what we have, and has gathered a few logs to roll down into the camp. We see them jump, and start going donkey kong on the cultists. I set some on fire, and roll them down. Manage to take down and confuse a good amount doing this.
>Now the monk decides his best chance for survival is to ditch the warlock, and try to run through the cultists. He gets a good 20ft before he’s closed lined by a giant mutant with 8 arms. He spends again all his Ki on the one target, killing him, but is now just a orc with a stick.

>Decided to have a little fun, and make a boarder line “That Guy” character. The dice gods smiled on me, and Eri Dren the human sorcerer was born. 19 strength and charisma off the bat.

Wait.

You roll for stats in 5E?

lurking, keep posting OP

...

Yes. It says so in the player hand book. Have you not?

Next time pre-type this shit OP

but otherwise good job don't stop

>The warlock, having a bit more for thought, casts wall of fire around him so they can’t get to him. He then tries to convince them he’s their god. They starts throwing a lot of rock through the fire at him.
>After a few more logs, and a iron golem smashing its way through, we killed off the last of them. The fighter was unconscious after doing nothing but ”Sip tea as my golem does all the fighting”, monk was at 4 hp, and I was about out of spells. And then the giant potato man walks out. He throws a fireball and me and the ranger, and telekinesis on the warlock. We likely could have beat him, but the warlock did the single most retarded thing for the entire campaign.
”Hey, DM. So is that book like the gods way of talking to people?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“I open it and call forth the god.”

“What?!”

“I want to talk to their god.”

“...Roll.”

“Ha Nat 20!”
>And so, with one roll, the warlock fucked us all over.
>The book opened, as green text and runes floated into the sky. The clouds darkened, the air got cold, and disembodied whispers filled our ears. Rising from the book, green smoke and black oil formed a tall figure, with a deer like skull head poking out. It just stood there, before laughing.
“What do you want little one?” the avatar said to the warlock. I was telling him to not say anything, and just close the book and throw it at the potato man.

“.....To be more powerful!”
And with a smile, the avatar snapped his fingers and popped the potato man like a water balloon. I was really confused for a second, then the mark we’d been seeing all around the camp carved itself into the warlock's head.

I swear, this Rogan is the accurate portrait of every first-timer I ever played with, only twenty times worse.
I want to see how this ends, OP.

>The god said he was Terrazitch, god of mutation and change. And the warlock was now his prophet. And that little shit, who had done nothing but fuck around with people and magic, and had done nothing but throw fireballs at enemies, saw nothing behind this. We even tried to tell him that this was a trap, and that if he did this it was going to backfire big. He said no its all fine.
>And to make matters worse, the monk asked if he could be stronger. So his fists grew giant gnarly tusks all over them. He did more damage when he punched people now though, so it was a good trade!
>It devolved over the next few sessions, with them growing more and more mutations, and learning that they could turn people into giant rage filled mutants that hacked people to pieces. They built a barn for these things, who killed anything but them. They wanted to make more and use them as guards and take them into the city. Things were twitching and shrieking at each other, and one got out and butchered a small farmstead. Then those people came back as weird fast zombie things. I can not put into words how much they fucked up.

I never played 5E

>While they were building up an army that the second the god wanted to, would butcher them all horribly, the rest of the party was actually trying to do things. The fighter had decided that the city was really dangerous, and went out to the forest and built up a bar. He somehow got goblins to help run it.
>The ranger and druid had teamed up, and were making a sacred grove in the woods with a giant tree in the middle they built a house in.
>I got more in depth. Turns out that Count Cunt held party’s every other week. I came up now and then, and got to know the people there pretty well. A lot of nobles, rich merchants and landowners, and a few mages. Even got to know the count and his cyclops general. I used some charisma, a bit of magic, and I had the backing of the count and several nobles to take control of the mage tower we cleared of cultists.

>I moved in, and got to work. I cleared out the mess from the battle, buried to corpses, and set up the place to be a mage school. An evil hogwarts if you will. I went into the city, and with a small loan from a few of my merchant friends, I started hiring thugs. Of course I took the magic road, and used various techniques to basically make a small group of loyal mind controlled thugs. I taught them a few spells, got them armored up, and sent them along with other bandits and thieves to start taking over the slums of the city.

Now I know it seems like I did a big role reversal, being the bad guy when the others seemed to be calming down. Well that’s the difference between chaotic neutral and lawful evil. The first does what ever it wants, the latter plans it out and pretends to be nice.

>So, I had a school, which I used some propaganda to start taking in children, the backing of a quarter of the cities merchants, several nobles, and the Count and his army turning a blind eye to my takeover of the slums. At the rate I was going, I would have made a good spot for myself. Then the others came and fucked it up.

"Guys, we might have fucked up."

"What happened?"

"The mutants aren't listening to us, and one got really big and is calling the shots."

>WHAT DID I SAY!
>DONT TRUST THE GOD THAT LOOKS LIKE A OCTOPUS WEARING A SKULL!!!
>So me and the fight (the druid and ranger did fuck all for this) head over and just see a massive tumor. Like, the barn had been covered over in some weird flesh stuff, and it was spreading really quickly.
>We then see what they were talking about. There were 16 mutants when we last saw them. there was almost 40 now! They were putting dead bodies in pods, and they we're coming out as mutants.
>fuckthis.jpeg
"So where's the mutant boss?"

"In the center."

"Can you call it out?"

"Yeah hold on. Hey, big guy."
>And out walks the most annoying thing I have ever fought in a game of D&D. To put it in words, it had the ability to split into smaller versions and squeeze into spaces like an ooze, regeneration and attacks of a troll, was magical, and could turn invisible.

Biggest happening since Heroes of the Spiderwoods. Somebody better make a screencap when it's over.

>I was ready to fireball this thing, torch the barn, set this part of the forest on fire, and then have my students come and practice fire spells on the ashes. But, as always, the monk fucked us.

"Okay, I'm punching it."

>LOL wat?
>He rolls to attack the thing. This would have been a good move, if we weren't outnumbered 4 to 1. But no, Rogan must be all powerful and mighty. He hits the thing once, and goes to punch again, when the DM stops him. A few rolls, some muttering and a couple of note pages later, he says that Rogans arm starts to melt.

"I DON"T CARE!" punches it with his other arm. It starts melting. He kicks it. Melts. Kicks it again. Literally the Black knight from Monty Python. I'm laughing on the inside, ready to punch him on the outside. And then the warlock steps in.

"I summon Terrazitch."
>Okay now your just fucking yourself with barbed wire.
>Summons Terrazitch, and asks him to fix the monk and get rid of the big mutant. The god laughs, the mutants laugh, I almost laugh. The warlock gets very upset and says he throws a fireball at Terrazitch. Terrazitch says no.
>Turns out, the warlock had made Terrazitch his patron, and had been drawing magic from him this whole time. And the dumb ass thought he could fireball him. Now I'm just smiling, watching this all devolve in to karma.
>Sweet, sweet karma.
>Terrazitch strips the warlock of all his magic, and has the mutants grab them and put us into the pods. I flip him off, and throw fire ball into the barn.
>Natural 20
>So sweet.

>"The mutants aren't listening to us, and one got really big and is calling the shots."

I cackled out loud when I read this

>The barn is burning, the mutants are going crazy as me, the fighter and his golem start fighting them off. It's all going pretty good, when in a flash of green, the taste of sky blue, and poof, its all gone. Mutants, the barn, the book, all just vanished. The warlock also no longer has skin or organs, and the monk its fused to a tree in a screaming visage of pain.
>The fighter just gets up and leaves, says he's going to his bar and if I follow him he'll kill me, and the ranger and druid don't care. I'm just standing there, and thinking of how much this is going to bite us in the ass.
>Lets count the ways. A god of chaos and madness just teleported about 30 mutant berserkers and one giant cancer cell away to some unknown location, and was the type to hold a grudge. These things reproduce off of death, can survive anywhere, and don;t stop stabbing things till their dead.
>Yep, we're so fucked.

>I immediately hit the panic button, and activate plan B. For the past few sessions, I'd been gather more and more support from the cities merchants, nobles, gotten the Count to like me(We had a crazy night one time. Death toll was about 13) and controlled a lot of the slums of the city. I had gold pouring in, a school of rapidly advancing magic casters, die hard soldiers and assassins, and not one person in the party knew this. The DM was dropping a few hints, saying some new guy had moved into the slums, but the party was busy in their own little worlds.
>Now, I needed a way to get control of the city, so I could use all its resources and population, and build it up into a fortress of massive proportion, because I had seen the twisted mind of our DM. He was going to bring that twat Terrazitch back, and in force. So, I started studying.
>The DM loved to explain and expand the lore of his world, so I used that against him.
"Hey, DM, has there ever been a magical fortress around here?"

"Yeah user! Long long ago, a powerful king built a flying fortress out of his capital to defend against the hordes of orcs that attacked. It was able to fire magical beams and exploses from the sky. It was lost though to some unknown force."

Well well well.

"Are there any records of it?"

"Um...yes! But its in old Elvish. No one can really read it."

"I have comprehend languages. If I can touch it I can read it."

>And like a fool, he lead me right to it. I had to beat some mages, and a manticore, but I found the tomes. And holy crap, was it everything I wanted and more.

>I summon Terrazitch

why.
why would you
argh.

>By now, I've got the plans to turn the city into a flying battle fortress of pure annihilation. When suddenly, we meet someone new. While the party was together to do a mission to kill a hag, with the warlock re-rolling an fallen angel anti-paladin and the monk a half-orc rogue. It was like they were trying to be dumb-asses. On our journey, we meet a woman who was pretty badass.
>We ran across this old shack with a small garden out front. Being the group of monsters they were, they go to break in. The fighter and anti-paladin went to breach the door, the rogue want through a hole in the roof, and the druid and range walking in through a poorly sealed hole in the back. They then got fucked over by traps. The fighter and paladin got knocked out by a swinging cross, the rogue jumped into a tarred net, and the druid fell through a hole covered by a rug. And sitting in the corner in a rocking chair, heavy crossbow in hand, fresh tea by her side, was Jane Motherfuckin Strige.

>Here we were, a 6 man group of level 10 adventurers, who had been out foxed and trapped by a 70 year old lady living in a shack. And as cool as ice, she didn't demand to know who we we're, or who we we're working for, she says,

"Care for some tea, dears?"

"....why yes I would love some tea, ma'am."

>So, me and the ranger sit down, take our tea, and talk. Turns out that Jane was once the second in command of a rebellion to over throw and kill the count, with her lover being the leader. Well, it failed, and her lover was kinda turned inside out before she escaped. Ever since she's been living her, waiting for the count to find her, and getting ready to shove her gardening shovel up is ass and out his heart. Bitch was hardcore, and I really liked her.
>After we got the rest out of the traps, we headed off. But I let Jane a message that I was planning to over throw the count, and if she wanted in to call her old friends. We then find and kill the hag, take her things, as I get stuck in a pocket dimension for a while, the druid pisses off a magic broom, and the others accidently locked several children in the basement as they set the place on fire.

>>He fucking drinks half the acid, and then proceeds to roll a 20 for constitution saving.

Christ, a nat 20 doesn't make you a god. If something would/should kill you, ie ingesting acid, it will still kill you even if you roll a 20.

a 20 only matters if something is achievable in the first place.

Did you miss the part where OP's DM had never ran a game before

>thread started five hours ago

jesus christ opee hurry the fuck up

I know, I have auto-update on, but I still keep clicking the manual update

Is OP dead?

Not yet. And Its coming don't worry this was like 2 years ago I'm trying to remember it.
>So after we deal with the hag, I get a message back from Jane. She's in. She's sending out messages to all her old rebels, and their going to gather strength before they attack. This leaves me to fill in the gaps. I needed a man on the inside. A giant, one eyed man. For most of the campaign, the counts cyclops had run interference with the group. Occasionally popped up, hassled and harassed us. It escalated when Rogan insulted his eye. But he was in-charge of a sizable amount of the counts army.
>So I followed him, learned his patterns, and found his favorite drinking spot. I went in, and started talking to him. Started out rough, but a few barrels of ale later he was starting to open up. Dude had some serious work issues. Being the only non-magical member of the group, he was pretty much treated as a joke most of the time. So with a bit more pushing, a well placed charm, and I now had a a crying but turned cyclops with me. Also, its really hard to get away from a crying cyclops.
>So with that point secured, I worked on a escape plan in case things went south, as they often would for the group. I started buying several merchant ships, stocked up on supplies, and drilled my followers on what we would do should worse come to worse. After a full session of planning, prepping and drills, it was time. Jane sent me a letter saying that a the rebellion was about to start. I told the rest of the party and we got ready to attack.

>rolling to use charm person

I don't think you're playing 5e right

DESU All things considered Op's gm is doing a great job for his first time.

>We all got our best gear, prepared spells, and headed out. It was a quiet day in the city, until we showed up. Immediately rebels and freedom fighters ambushed the guards, beating them down as we went on a warpath to the counts castle. We fought off a large amount of them, and made it to the castles gate. The freedom fighters were bringing up ladders and trebuchet's, when I stopped them and gave a whistle. And the gates opened.
>The cyclops had gotten a few soldiers to turn, and they had killed a lot of the castle guards. We then charged in, and headed deeper down. We then meet the first boss, the cambion. She laughed at us, and sent down waves of spined devils as she threw fire at us. It was tough, but thanks to the angels flying we beat her. She was still alive, and the group wanted to show her mercy/try to sex her. I walked over, and ran a spear through her heart. Party was shocked, I'd always been the calm one, but I just said we get more exp, and they bought it.
>We kept fighting, heading further and further down, till we meet the death knight. Now that was a tough fight. Right off the bat he hit us with hellfire orb, and ripped the iron golem in half. We finally killed him, and stopped to heal up.
I later learned that death knights come back to life after a while, but we never got to that.
>We moved on, now only the party, no more rebel support, until we meet the Count. He was standing by his throne, and looked at us with utter disgust. He then monologue, like any good villain, until our ranger pulled his own stunt.

I was just playing it how the DM said it worked. Not my fault he made it too powerful.

It sounds like your DM didn't even bother to take a passing glance at the players handbook

Keeping going OP I wanna see the ending with the Chaos God cunt. For a first time DM he seems to be doing pretty well, managing all these interactions the politics and all that shit. And dealing with the retarded folk of the party.

Oh, no I didn't miss that. It's just a thing that bothers me whenever I hear about it. I can see how it looks like that's what i thought though. My mistake.

>Through most of the campaign, he hadn't talked much, fought well, and followed the rules. Well, as it turns out, for the last 3 sessions, he'd gathered everything he'd need to fight a vampire. Silver tipped arrows with holy symbols carved in, and drenched in holy water. He fired off three into the count, dropping him to half health in a single round. I then threw fireballs and all kinds of spells at him. He died really quickly, and we then trashed his coffin. And peace and prosperity returned to the land.
Not.

and then the warp ate everything, right?

I'm not sure what Veeky Forums's obsession is with expecting new DMs to know all the rules. Most new players can't even handle figuring out how their level 1 character works the first time around.

Most likely what happened was:
>OP: i cast charm person
>DM: okay, how exactly does that work?
>OP: i dunno lol i just wrote down the name
>DM: fucking hell, okay, roll I guess

>As the group was celebrating, we heard a massive whoosh, and tasted sky blue.
>Oh fuck.
>We rush out and see a entire army of mutants out side the city wall, which we just thinned very heavily.
>OH FUCK!
>And there was a giant alter being built, in the middle, as Terrazitches Avatar laughed at us.
>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
>We have to fight all this, with a severally depleted garrison, no prep time, and facing enemies that don't run. It was a fucking hard fight. We all came inches away from death many times over the next two sessions. They would probe us, we'd fight them back, they'd learn and change, probe us again, learn and change. But fortunately, we survived. We pushed them back and killed enough to were they couldn't breach the walls.
>But then, we learned just how hard it is to kill a god.

A bit of that, I told him it had a certian limit, but he sort of skimmed it all and made his own mash up of how spells worked. I wanted to help him, but the players were not letting him play it right so I needed to fight fire with fire. After the campaign I helped him work it all out. I'm not a total monster

"This has been a fun game mortals, but I'm bored now. I shall crush you personally."
>And all the mutants we had been killing for 2 weeks in game, rose up and started merging together to form a giant monster, controlled by Terrazitch himself. He just stomped on the city wall and tore the place up. We tried to fight back, but we we're all wasted from the previous fights, and it was resistant to spells. He smashed down all the defenses we had, was taking little damage, and had killed the ranger in two hits. I thought we were in for a TPK moment, when the druid did something smart.
"Hey, Doesn't polymorph work on any creature?"
>Yes
"Um...yeah."
>Yes!
"Well I cast it on him."

"Okay roll."

"...hey 20!"
>YES!!!
>For once in his sad existence, the druid managed to help the party. He polymorphed the giant beast in to the only animal he had really had success with, rats, and then proceeded to smack it to death with his stick. It was the dumbest, bland, and exploitative way to kill the boss, but it worked! After the rat was crushed, a giant burst of green light flew to the skies as Terrazitch was banished to the Far Realms.
>We all cheered, and even the DM smiled even though we killed his boss as a rat.

Is that it?

Nerd Ire. Christ, you weren't even hiding the edge, even in chargen.

Nah there still has to be the "I get to be the boss" scene.

...

But wait, this is about how I became the boss myself.
>Well, as they were all cheering, I gave a signal to the remaining vampire guards, my followers, and the rebels. They turned to the weakened party, and were ready to attack.
>They went ape shit. Yelling at the DM, asking why they turned on us. And thats when I stepped up.
"Well friends, its been one hell of a trip. We've been through thick and thin, fought things most people never dream of, and have stopped two great evils. And I have to say, I hate you fucking all. You are the worst people to be with, and since you'd just get in the way of what I'm doing, You don't get to stay."
>They were not happy, yelling at the DM that I couldn't do this. He just shrugged and said user had been working on this for a while. That's when Rogan Jr, the half orc rogue of my brother, challenged me to a duel. If I really was such a powerful man, then I would fight him to the death.
>I looked at him, then to the group, and the DM, thought about it, and in three words...
"No. Kill them."
>They were slaughter where they stood. I moved to the city center, and spoke out to the now homeless masses. I promised them to bring change and to make the city great once more. The evil that corrupted them were slain, and I would make sure that everyone was treated well. With the massive stores of gold and supplies I had taken, I started relief efforts across the city and lands the count once ruled, and with my new position, turned the city into Nazeris, the flying fortress of magic. It was a massive flying city that could destroy anything within 10 miles and housed 4 million souls. I reigned for many years, prolonging my life with magic and bringing my people prosperity and peace, as my enemies fell to ashes.

And that is how after two boss fights, a year of utter fucking bullshit, I became ruler of the Campaign. And there are you all happy now?

GET TO THE PART WHERE YOU TURN THE TABLES AND PUT THESE FAGGOTS IN THEIR FUCKING PLACE

Gee wilie, he done already, chill.

ahem

My hunger for endings is sated. Thank you OP, You glorious bastard.

It took you seven goddamn hours

Maybe you should have left a little gas in the tank for a less anti-climactic ending? Something with more pizazz

Pretty good. Your character was lawful evil right? Also, what was their reaction after they all died?

Posted 30 seconds apart, whatever

>"Hey, Doesn't polymorph work on any creature?"
>>Yes
...
>"Well I cast it on him."
>"Okay roll."
>"...hey 20!"
Wisdom save.
...
>He polymorphed the giant beast in to the only animal he had really >had success with, rats, and then proceeded to smack it to death >with his stick
...
>The transformation lasts for the duration, or until
the target drops to 0 hit points or dies.

So...
Have any of the players even seen a PHB?

It did stop being a rat when dead.

Never posted something this long before and I don;t have a computer with me all the time.
Yes he was. And it was a mix between rage, depression and total bitching. They whined and whined about how it wasn't fair I had all those allies. On and what you were off gathering the dragonballs?
He failed the wisdom save, and no...no they didn't. I was the only one to have it, and they just looked at their class, wrote it down, and never looked deeper in. This was al of their first campaign, and I know I should have set an example and told them, but hey fuck them. Let's see how well they do in other campaigns acting like that.

Jesus. How old were these guys? You mentioned they were younger than the DM who was about 1-2 years younger than you. Speaking of the DM, how did he handle the whole situation of you actually putting effort into the campaign and coming out on top at the end?

Yeah but my point is, when the rat hit 0hp, it should have turned back into the abomination. That's how it works.

At least the DM was consistent.

15 at the time. Did not act like it. And he was really happy. I mean sure he was upset that I played the rest of the group, but he was pretty into it once he peiced my plan together. And recently I saw him again, and he's made some good progress as a dm.

The dead abomination vanished into the vast ethers as it was banished as a outsider avatar.

How did you not pick this up?

Well I found the story quite amusing well done OP

>this campaign lasted a year
It's horrifying to imagine a group could go this long and still not understand how the rules work any better than when they first started...
but I have a couple players who are the same way, so I'm not even that surprised. Good story, OP.

Cool story, bro.

>Dm was nice\stupid enough to say when we hit zero we didn’t die, just feel unconscious until someone woke us up and healed us.
You do realize that that's how things work in 5e, master baiter?

I'm guessing you are not on speaking terms with the fuckers anymore?

I certainly wouldn't be with you if you pulled that shit off.

Ignoring they in 5e polymorph explicitly puts the target back to the hp it had before being polymorphed when it dies

The GM also ignored the fact that Charm person makes people really mad since you mind control them.

And OP still didn't know up to today that in 5e you don't die when you reach 0 HP.

You did good OP.

It varies in the rule book. One way is a saving throw, one is instant death. He didn't make us do saving throws, just lay there unconscious until someone healed us. Or the enemies ganged up on us(which they never did)
Most no. My brother had a good laugh after a while, and the DM is pretty cool with it. Others say I'm a massive cheater. Sure, I might have played on the DMs inexperience, but they did too.

...

And I taught them a lesson. They didn't role play beyond,"I shoot him and tear his skull out." They thought it was just a way to fuck around and do anything they wanted, so I showed them how it was done.
Yeah I was a massive dick for abusing the rules, but I did it to fuck with a party of That Guys.
But Veeky Forums, what are your stories? I'm interested in how you tricked your group and came out on top.

I'm glad I arrived late-ish so I didn't have to wait hours on end for updates. :P
Good story OP.

Nice story, Nito.

The obsession is almost assuredly autism

I think its fear.
I try to read the whole book before i do anything. It makes some systems intimidating.