What are some alternatives for a bard other than playing music?

A dancer.

How about a geisha?

Contact Juggling is a thing.

youtube.com/watch?v=0rqeR-iLKYA

Irish Bard, a teller of tales and histories, a satirist who even kings feared getting on the wrong side of

>Never killed anyone
>Expressed a clear distaste for the act of murder
>The only time she used her legendary +5 sword of kebab removal was to smack a prostitute over the head so hard it broke
>Inspired her men by waving a white banner with depictions of the Holy Virgin and Infant Jesus
>Even when on the verge of execution, she bantz'd the English into submission
>Not only doesn't fuck everything on legs, but can actually bathe in the presence of men without any of them feeling any kind of sexual attraction to her
Best girl, best bard.

Just doesn't work

Bards were ultimately musicians. Yes they were also lawyers, historians, satirists (whose satire was supposed to be so powerful as to be magic), and music was basically a form of magic. They learned all they knew through songs and poems, and their ranks were given among other things through how many major poems they knew by heart.

They were musicians whose music had a purpose.

Perform skill doesn't need to be an instrument. You could be an orator and give speeches, or you could boost morale and debuff enemies with your anachronistic breakdancing and snappy dance routines.
Or your improvised caricature sketches could do it.
Or mime artistry. Look, I'm trapped in a box? Aren't you inspired?
I'm a performance artist! Look in bemusement as I contort myself, or stick things into my skin to make a statement about humanity!

>Bard = Musician thing is stupid
'Bard' literally means 'wandering musician'.

>>Never killed anyone
Weak.
>>Expressed a clear distaste for the act of murder
W E A K
>>The only time she used her legendary +5 sword of kebab removal was to smack a prostitute over the head so hard it broke
Shitty sword then, wasn't it?
>>Inspired her men by waving a white banner with depictions of the Holy Virgin and Infant Jesus
Bloody french peasants probably didn't even recognise it.
>>Even when on the verge of execution, she bantz'd the English into submission
Still burned.
>>Not only doesn't fuck everything on legs, but can actually bathe in the presence of men without any of them feeling any kind of sexual attraction to her
Must have been pretty goddamn ugly for frenchmen not to want to fuck her.

Yes, D&D bards are based on historical figures and thus accuracy is impo- HAHHAHAHAHA

You're talking about a ruleset where people use scythes for combat, wear crude hide and full plate armor and can survive fall from the orbit once they accumulate enough meat points.

>people use scythes for combat
>look at this fucking fantasy bullshit

>When your country is so heretical, it considers burning a 19 year old girl who was found innocent of all charges brought up against her its greatest military achievement

PAUSE!

>burning a 19 year old girl who was found innocent of all charges
>greatest military achievement
Who the fuck thinks that?

I can't think of any country that considers executing the innocent something to be proud of. Maybe some Maoist sympathizers, maybe.

People who hate the British. In other words, French and Americans.

He can be story teller, recite poems and make rhymes.

>The French hate the British
The British are just in love with the idea that everyone hates them.

We're too busy hating each others to hate you

Bard in my party tells shaggy dog stories. It's great.

Don't try to be cute. Warscythes are entirely different from regular scythes and you no it.

I played a Bard once that was the court jester of the kingdom our party started in. Was sent out to "keep an eye on the hired hands" but mostly the king wanted me out of his hair. It was pretty fun. Just replaced all the musical stuff with telling witty and/or shitty puns

Assemblies of Thor preacher

>Waterloo
>literally saved from a humiliating defeat by the prussians showing up at the last minute
>guys, it's best of 7, right?

>Sounds like a gay wizard.
So a bard.

And Indians, and Irish, and Scottish

Dancer.

I've always wanted to play a rapping Bard.

I won't because I know I couldn't pull it off.

and the English!
Damn English, they've ruined England!

The Scottish are British, you mong

you can paint life into the world
your paintings can charm others, sway their moods

Friendly reminder that the French were the ones to light the fire because she refused to wear a dress at her trial accusing her of posing as a man.

>literally saved from a humiliating defeat by the prussians showing up at the last minute
Yeah but that was the plan.

I don't know why people shoot for this angle, Wellington had serious doubts about Waterloo he even said he had been "humbuggered" but then he bet on the Prussians showing up rather than risk the horrors of pursuit. It doesn't matter that he won with allies, he still won.

>greatest military achievement
No, building an empire that spanned the world with wooden sailing ships was that.
Or taking down a superpower twice in 30 years and making them cease to be a global threat, while suckering two other superpowers into doing all the hard work, and making one of them pay for it all.

No, that'd be the americans. Which is convenient, because hating americans is the what the world bonds over.
Much like England and Germany bond over hating France. We don't really get along most of the time, unless it involves ganging up on France.

>england and germany ge4t along over hating france
where the fuck are you? Nobody likes the fucking germans and i'm friends with one.

>Not playing as Michaelangelo
>Not multiclassing with barbarian

My name is Something and I'm hear to say

a bard is basically a Not!-journalist with a lute

multiclass spy and you can go full paparazzi

that's a bawd not a bard
anyway keeping on topic I have a sort of bard (she's currently a sorcerer but I'm planning to multi class in bard) and she's a story teller

oh...oh my.

I'd just rip off a few lines from my favorite rap songs realistically, picking and choosing as fitting with what buff I'm handing out.

Still, I would feel shitty doing it.

How bout a storyteller

Reporter is pretty good

Truespeech poems and haikus

I have a player who's playing a homebrewed Truespeech Poet Bard in my game

A dancer

Actor
Merchant (salesman)
Politician
Bird watcher
Clown
Archer

Playwright.

I partied up with a Bard who used stand-up comedy as a performance skill.
It rocked pretty hard.
I was playing a porn-star paladin at the time.

A bard literally means a wandering musician/storytelling. saying "what can a bard be other than a musician" is damn stupid. its like asking "I want my character to be a chef, but I don't want him to do cooking"

Satirist, Jester, Puppeteer, street-corner 'prophet' if you wanna dip into cleric and crank up the crazy.

In a more modern campaign, lawyer, political pundit, PR rep.

Sounds like a chef that specializes in running restaurants instead of doing the grunt work hisself. As good a reason to adventure as any.

This is a good idea.

A comedian whose main means of fighting is spamming vicious insult and using "gags" such as nets and banana peels.