ITT: Character quotes

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"360 no wife"

*Incoherent screeches*
-Swarmlord

*Incoherent screeches*
-Lvl 10 Barbarian

"Do any of you know how to build or mine? I will pay you in money or beer"
My level 4 Paladin to a bar full of dwarfs

"Stop trying to drink my patron deity."
The lvl3 druid to the lvl4 dwarf

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I was talking to someone about properly flossing before bed and ended up attracting enough people to give a sermon."

"Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!"
-My cleric accidentally summoning a god from another setting

My DM to me: 'I don't know why I didn't see that one coming.'

"Fuck you." Every Character ever to every BBEG ever.

Did the DM actually have him appear?

>Me to my DM

Yes. I didn't know he played CoC. He could've just ignored it, but no, he let me derail the campaign. To be fair though, it was a comedy campaign taking place in fairy tale land where we fought gingerbread golems, so weird shit happening is par course.

Care to storytiem the Hastur bit? I'm curious as a fellow CoC fan.

>" Familiars are NOT for sexual activities! We have an elf for this! "

-My Ranger to the summoner (who said he'd rather bang his fluffy sphinx thingy than to visit the whorehouse and its STDs)

"You should really take the day off."
-My Shadowrunner

When I have a strong as fuck Troll toting around an assault cannon as part of my crew, I feel obliged to offer the security forces and office monkies a chance to walk out alive before our walking tank turns the building into a war zone.

Hey when I came to rescue a noble lady and she calls me short, then it's the DM's fault for forgetting just how petty I can be.

"I'll fucking bite you in the freaking pussy!" ~ Shroob character in your average family friendly Super Mario RPG tabletop

Shouldn't you be getting back to filming, Mr. Hamill?

Pic related, my paladin said it when the rest of the party was debating whether we should charge into a bottlenecked army of orcs because they didn't want to roll up new characters.

We charged.

We won.

>average
>family friendly
I think you were playing with people outside its target age range, lol
No! He can hang out here all he wants, also Star Wars 8 is out of principal filming and has been since before Carrie died.

Who's the short one now, bitch?

Mark Hamill would never say that about Carrie even in a place like this.

Because she's buried and I'm still standing and...
Okay I screwed up the joke I'm going now.

Pretty sure I've told this story a couple times on this board, but one more time won't hurt.

So this took place long ago when I was in Highschool and too young for Veeky Forums didn't stop me from posting though, in my first campaign at my LGS. I forgot everybody else's characters (Except the minotaur who crushed an enemy with his balls and the mute bard) but I remember mine: Father Anderson, a fat chaotic neutral cleric. The party was doing other crap when I first joined, but I was just in time for the DM to introduce us to a little old man in red. Pic related, though I didn't quite get it even when the DM explained who he was because I'm a young whipper-snapper, but I knew that it was going to be that kind of campaign. The DM (The NPC, not the guy) guides us to the land where fairy tales came true, where we met the old lady who lives in a shoe.

Now the old lady had a problem: five of her kids were missing. Naturally, the task fell on us to find them, so we sauntered out and found a gingerbread house. Fortunately, it didn't have a witch in it, but it did have sentient gumdrops that tried to suffocate us and gingerbread golems. We killed them, explored the house, and found a trapdoor that led to a proper dungeon. Like, gloomy, foggy, dark, dank kind of dungeon; not fairy tale shit. It was there, after killing a bunch of nagas and an evil cleric, we met... The Tooth Fairy. Who was Jurgen von Strangle dressed as the tooth fairy. And he had the five kids.

First we tried negotiating with him. However, he was only willing to part with half the kids (there's five; see a problem?), so after a while I decided to do something so stupid and out of context that I immediately forgot what made me think it was going to accomplish anything. I said,"Hastur! Hastur! Hastur!" My DM just shrugged and rolled the dice.

"You summoned Hastur! Three times!"

Then I summoned him four more times in the ensuing argument.

"What say you good sir?"
>My life is a swirling miasma of pain and misery.
"Glad the thief is on board, proceed!"

Things went to shit. There was an outer god stomping around, the Prime Material Plane was tearing itself apart, the mute bard was literally yelling at me, etc. The good news is we managed after this to convince the Tooth Fairy to give us the children. Bad news is I had to resolve the crisis personally. With a bit of DM magic and the help of a god, I bungee-jumped onto the Island of R'lyeh (Yes, that's Cthulhu, but we were in a rush) and placed a talisman in a temple while getting chased by shoggoths.

Short story shorter, I now know what chaotic stupid is.

"A warrior who wants to live has no defence against one who doesn’t care if he dies."
My berserker that had the fantasy equivalent of butchers nails.

Also a quote by angron the mildly perturbed

Thanks for the short storytiem user.

"Choke on your cleverness and DIE"
-Mohelius Evilskull McGenocide, white lion of the north, Lord of Men, deicide, CONQUERING KING as he took his warhammer to the head of a mage wearing a circlet of +1 int, crushing it and the mages head.

"I hate everything about you. I hate your stupid face. I hate the way you talk. I hate your bullshit ideas. I hate your fucking clothes."
- The party straight man, in a quiet and sad voice, finally broken by his best friend.

>"I dont care about justice now. Only about punching you DEAD!"

-The party monk, a few seconds before headbutting the last HP out of her foe. While ironicly being disarmed (literaly) due to a critical hit from the enemy's side.

>short
>petty
Now isn't that fitting.

I actually used a variation of picrelated in one of my campaigns. Surprisingly, my players loved it.

Nothing like a good headbutt to teach a lesson

Damn, I'm probably gonna steal this, replacing "justice boner with" something along the lines of "who wants to be the hero"

My favorite villains are the ones who see themselves as the hero, but don't feel the need to justify themselves to anyone

>Sorry, I just had a Vietnam flashback.

Said in the Vietnam War alt-history campaign.

i wish my gm had redditor bbegs too

>"Guys, I won!"
-the warlock, right before getting hit in the chest with an axe and going down for the count

pot calling the cattle black

Funny how people who say this kind of shit are always up to their eyes morally horrific actions, really makes you think.

And yet the people who want to feel like a hero and think that the world is neatly divided into white and black are no better, really.
Isn't that right, Walker?

you have to go back redditor

that's actually pretty funny

"RELEASE US! WE DEMAND IT! I WILL REND YOUR FLESH AND SPLINTER YOUR BONES, AND DEVOUR WHATEVER REMAINS!"

"Now, see, I appreciate your honesty. But, at the same time, I think you can see MY position - namely, that it'd be irredeemably stupid for me to let you out of there. Having said that, how about we talk about making your time in that weapon a little more comfortable..."

Standard fetish-weapon negotiation, nothing to see here.

>Is this sort of horrific mutilation possible to do with a human soul and have it survive? -Other PC
> Only one way to find out. - my totally not evil wizard

MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN!

Not my own quote, obviously.

>two friends in the group made characters together
>one is an edgelady vampire girl
>one is a justicetwat elf with a little Dragon companion
>elf dork knows the edgelady is ocd
>walks up to the first person in a bar they see
"Do you have some rice? That I can have?"
>attempts to explain why through the party's confused hysterical laughter
I gave him a bowl of rice. He immediately dumped it onto the floor.

>murderhobomentality.jpg

"I've had worse." "When?" "In about two seconds when they wizard is done casting his spell."

"We NEED to Murderhobo, it's the only real way to adventure"

"If you're going to kill me, at least shoot me in the mouth. That way, I die eating."

*Incoherent casting
-lvl 10 Wild Mage

"YOU'RE EATING CHILDREN!!!"
-My human bard after our mentally stunted arcane trickster electrocuted the spawning pool of some sentient frog people thinking they were fish.

So he's basically Detritus from the AMCW?

"After all, it's only human to dream."
She doesn't dream herself, of course.

"Guys maybe we should just be evil. We clearly have a knack for it and we just plain suck at being good.". The Bard to the rest of the party after accidentally joining a cult of orcus and quickly rising through the ranks of it by failing miserably to destroy it from the inside.

"Guys, you are going about this all wrong. It is a simple 3 step plan.
Step 1: Don't get shot
Step 2: Multiple stab wounds
Step 3: We grab Captain and leave."

"Acts of goodness are not always wise, and acts of evil are not always foolish, but regardless, we shall always strive to be good."

"If the bridge can hold our ox it'll hold us"
We then proceeded to push our ox onto what turned out to be an illusion of a bridge and off a cliff.

Astronox (The Wizard): "Can't a guy cast Invisibility in peace?"

Fen (The Druid): "Okay, so I'm a shark now."

Sor'mon (The Rogue): "This place is more fortified than Camnus's chastity belt."

Danius (the Barbarian): "Do they speak Common in the Basin?"
Dalvamin (The Bard): "Do they speak Bitch in the Dreadlands?"

Camnus (The Fighter): Sor'mon is quite skilled in the art of provocation.
Ker'Kadin (The Ranger): Right, he's a dick.

Mike: "Is this something I should Celerity and get the fuck away from?"
Steve: "Mike, this entire campaign is something you should Celerity and get the fuck away from."

Fen: "Bud, you give me one dead midget and one dead wolf, and I'll drag them around for you."

Daria (The Ranger): "Cletus."
Cletus (The Monk): "I know."
Daria: "The tree moved."
Cletus: "I saw."

"Forget stardust, you are iron. Your blood is ferrous liquid, and when you bleed you reek of rust. It is iron that fills your heart and sits in your veins. And what is iron, really, unless it's forged? You are iron. You are strong."

"This setting could basically be summed up as a series of people saying, "I thought it was a good idea at a time.""

hey it works

Krusty 10/10 murderhobo.

"When I was seventeen, my buddy Shug bet me a gold sovereign that I couldn't EAT an entire whiskey bottle. I'm telling you this story because I feel you should know:"
*without breaking eye contact, slides a coin and what appears to be a piece of sea glass to the middle of the table*
"I'm not the type to fuck around."

>"Don't oppress my culture!"
Lvl5 ogre barbarian

...

"There better be no fucking Spiders"

Hadaly, is that you?

"I'm an old man. I've outlived all of my enemies. That is not a coincidence"

Not everything can be neatly sorted into good and evil, no, but people who use that strawman are usually people who can be neatly sorted into evil.

"The Law? I was breaking that long before I gained phenomenal cosmic power."

Were there spiders?

"But its the right thing to do!? Oh come off it. I've gone to bed sobbing bitterly against cold and hunger as my reward for doing the right thing. The profitable thing has never mistreated me though, not even once, so do you have a better offer or not?" - Bastard of a sellsword. The party ended up doing the shit pro-bono anyways, but at least they paid my regular fee.

"If that skeleton makes another infernal pun, I will scatter his bones across the entire realm"
"Calm down my good man, I didn't realize my quips were rattling you so, I found you would find them more humerus, now if you don't mind we had a bone to-"
The last exchange between our undead necromancer and the BBEG before the necromancer exploded.

>Meeting a big-mouthed, hot-headed evil warrior who is just about to monologue on the party.
Bard: "Wizard?"
Wiz: "Yes, Bard?"
Bard: "I would like you to serve my friend a tall glass of Shut the fuck up!"
>rolls 2d4 of Vicious Mockery
>roll gor initiative!

>rolling for initiative is meaningful and part of any good story
I remember being 14, when that felt poetic.

> Trying (and failing) to recruit a peasant with a southern accent alongside my incredibly condescending friend.

"You know what, time out we don't have time for this, let's just get the monk to beat the shit out of her and drag her back. He's got that gentle monk touch, it won't leave bruising."

"She can hear us you know, plus"

"Just speak in full sentences, she won't be able to understand."

He was literally just playing Rick from Rick and Morty

Bro, that was only a year ago. You should still lurk more newfag

"Stay here I'm gonna go get our gold ba- CAPTAIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU ARE NOT STEALTHY THIS IS MY JOB"
-My Magus/Rogue dealing with our NPC chaotic stupid captain

>TFW you've been playing years and you can;t think of a single good in character line from yourself or anyone else in your group

I should try working on saying things in character more...

"Im going to fight fire with flight fire.... and fly away!!!!"

"Does anyone notice [the huge parasite/pet attached to our monk's bare chest]?"

...who?

"Huh, honestly wasn't expecting that to work." The BBEG casting mass charm on the party and succeeding.

>"Is that all you got, cupcake?"
-Suicidal character to main antagonist.

"Why are you green?"
Party face to Orc barbarian moments before said Orc kills his horse.

"You have fifteen seconds to come down here and answer my questions before I take this tank and use it to figure out which of your house's walls are load bearing."

"You're gonna have to pay for the uninstallation fee for that."
-Comcast Operator to BBEG

"You're gonna have to pay the uninstallation fee for that, sir."
-Comcast Operator to BBEG

...

...

*Incoherent dealing justice**
--lvl 10 Paladin

>he didn't read Eve of the Future
fucking pleb

>Eve of the Future
Literally who

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Future_Eve
PLEB

>wikipedia
Literally who