Your hilarious dark heresy stories

Oi lads if you could be a dear and post hilarious stories from your dark heresy games that would be great. I like to use them as inspiration for my own games.

First post here since lurking so treat me kindly my dudes.

>be me
>trying to hit filthy hive world scum with bitchin hammer
>miss
>hits my shin
>crits
>"The hit rips apart the flesh of your leg spraying blood everywhere"
>i fall into a pool of my own gore and die
>mfw

Jesus christ.

Did the rest of that campaign go as badly?

Our GM thought we would be happy to have a ship with Kroot mercs for crew. He underestimated our dedication to roleplaying xenophobes, so in the end we took control of the bridge through a mix of force and trickery (and with a little Navy help), then vented all the oxygen in the decks where no human was present. Then, we sold their bodies and eggs to the local AdMech's Biologis department.

We made a lot of friends that day.

Last I checked, even rolling a nat 100 on a WS test doesn't make you hit yourself, only specific weapons do that.

>Deathwatch
>Fighting nurgle orks and regular orks
>Need info on regular orks
>Fight a mob of boyz
>Bright Idea. I'll interrogate an ork and get info on where their camp is.
>Tackle ork out of the horde while everyone else kills them.
>Entire team threatens and intimidates the ork
>I decide to simply talk to the ork and reason with it because calculating FTW
>roll a 1
>Well fuck ork is super compliant and we learn everything. I get the other bright idea to embed a sleeper agent into the camp
>" Ork since I killed your boss, by your laws I am now your boss"
>roll a 1
>Ork is now a loyal servant to the Emperor.
>Ork later vanishes in gunfight
>later missions get word of a Ork ship that attacked dark eldar to free human slaves
Five years on We are now facing the single largest ork WAAAAGH in the Jerhico reach trying to take out sub commanders of an Ork Waaagh that is absolutely resolute in its faith to the Emperor and worships the killteam as living saints.
And that's the tale of Boss Gretchnick

>Running Rogue Trader
>PC's are hunting a dangerous yu'vath warp creature thing through the forest
>party psyker says that since his Holocaust power burns across dimensions, and ignores intervening cover, that that can be used to destroy the creature
>the plan they came up with was to place the psyker within a metal, protective box, dangle the box from a shuttle-craft, swing him vaguely near the creature, and have him holocaust, to create a psychic burning pendulum of death

Oh boy i love this thread.

Wouldn't holocaust have also damaged/destroyed the box he is in along with the rope/cable connecting the box to the shuttle?

>Playing a pilot in Rogue Trader
>Started with a plasma pistol and a bolt pistol because it's cool
>First round of every single combat the plasma pistol overheats and I drop it
>It becomes more of a chore
>"Aight, let's get the plasma over with"

It did damage the chain, and the box ended up plummeting to the ground and landing next to the warp creature. thankfully for the PC's it burned to death before it could kill the psyker.

The psyker, being played by a guy who has no sense of the danger involved in messing with the warp, decided to then take pieces of the creatures crystalline body and insert them into his own skin to increase his power.
He become a hideous mutant who was eventually consumed by a daemon (that he himself summoned) while trying to flee from an Inquisition hit squad.

well shit. That sounds epic.

Sorry for my poor english :

>Dark Heresy
>Serving a radical inquisitor
>Investigating on some feudal worlds that extract some rare minerals for the Imperium
> Their production has greatly decreased because of a civil war and some strange events
> So we join the king while he is besieging his rival's fortress
> Tales of a huge red knight helping the besieged
> Apparently a strange wizard recently joined the court of the rebel lord.
> We infiltrate the besieged city
> We storm the wizard's tower
> Killing and burning everything including the wizard
> "Investigation if for faggots"
> Turns out the wizard was just some overrated wild psyker
> The bad guy was actually the king's bastard son who was a khornate cultist
> With some ritual he could turn as a bloodletter riding a juggernaut
> While we were "busy" with the wizard he turned and started to slaughter his father's army.
> We arrived too late to prevent him from killing his father and legitimate brothers.
>"whoopsy daisy"
>He is now the legitimate ruler
>Us : "So uh, do you agree to send the minerals to the Imperium like before ?"
>BBEG : "Yes"
>US : "Oh allright then"
>MissionAccomplished.jpg

>During same game
>We are fighting rebel soldiers, and they are largely outnumbering us
>Suddenly I have an idea
>fill my horse's saddlebag with grenades
>refold his blinders
>"So GM I use my pistol to shoot just over the horse's head so he runs forward to the enemy group"
>"Ok roll your BS"
>NATURAL FUCKING 100
>I swear to god
>GM : "You shoot the horse in the head."
> ...
>GM : "He collapse just in front of you".
>...
>GM : "What do you do"
I used a fate point

There's also this time when we were investigating a space hulk and our scum managed to wrestle a genestealer and so we started to comment the fight like WWE commentators.

>Wrestle a genestealer
>Wrestle
>Genestealer

>best story=when I put away my books and played something else.

Seriously though, the system is a mess (50 pages of house rules for Rogue Trader alone before I decided it would be easier converting to another system). It's a bad sign when you start to feel that you put more time into thinking about the mechanics than the developers.

I like some of the adventures but boy are they hit or mess with quality (so much rail roading and poor balance). I honestly wonder whether the devs actually played through some of their adventures. Either that or their play testers were complete shit.

Still the Calixis Sector and Koronus Expanse will always have a soft soft in my heart (really felt no inclination to use DH 2e's sector).

Yep, the genestealer grappled the guy to make some luv, but the GM did really shitty rolls so the scum managed to take the advantage.

Was the Emperor Himself doing the rolls for the scum?

Who knows? The Emperor works in mysterious ways.

Also, another story :

>Rogue Trader
>We have a meeting with a local pirate queen in her ship
>When we arrived we see next to her a showy guy with bionic arms sitting in a chair, sniffing expensive drugs and fondling pretty girls
>Pirate Queen, designating the guy : "Ah let me introduce you [son of some another rogue trader], he is my guest as well."
>The Seneschal : "I shoot the guy"
>Group/GM : "W... what?"
>S. : "Yeah I shoot the guy."
>GM : "Yeah ok, roll then. You have a bonus cause clearly no-one was expecting that."
>The guy is pretty badly wounded, there are panicking naked girls running in the cockpit and the pirate queen's crew is now taking aim at us.
>We then managed to negotiate a deal with the pirate queen to stay alive, a deal pretty advantageous to her.
>We also managed to keep the wounded guy with us.
>We're taking him in our ship.
>We heal him.
>Our seneschal convince our magos to remove the guy's bionic arms and to transplant them to him.
>With his "cooperation" we steal his ship.
>We rename it the "Armless Cunning".
>We use it to attack his father's ship
>at the end of the game our GM ask us what do we want to do with the guy.
>the rogue trader wants to feed him to his carnosaur-like pet
>the magos wants to turn him into a servitor
>mfw the guy never did anything to us

I think only Eviscerator does that (in 1e anyway). Don't remember seeing a hammer that does it, and even with Eviscerator you can't crit with it, so houserule I guess?

...

Off the top of my head on weapons that you can hit yourself with are eviscerators, a chain flail in Only War, and power weapons with the storm field upgrade in Black Crusade.

>be me
>playing filthy SoB scum in 1e because fuck you
>end up rolling forge world for origin because GM demanded we all roll for origin regardless of class
>ok.jpg end up playing a SoB who respects the Omnissiah as well as Emp, because I do what I want.
>get given best quality cybernetics by BBEG Mechanicus Magos trying to win me over by convincing me that the Inq is dumb and Cult Mech rules.
>get given Power Armour by BBEG's assistant who claims the magos is a heretic
>wear both, proceeding to not give a fuck and turn on assistant because the Inq is ignoring the Necron threat on the planet, and convinced we need to contain it.
> GM, understandably sick of my shit, reveals that genestealers infiltrated the mechanicus on the planet
> get captured by said genestealers and shoved into a room unarmed, but still wearing my armour
>proceed to Ip Man/WWE three genestealer hybrids simultaneously because at this point with bonuses from bionics and armour I have over 70 Str and 60 Ag

topkek

searching for the origins of a tainted artifact in the ruins of an ancient fortress-cathedral, and suddenly we're up to our eyeballs in insane frenzied mutated zombies with unnatural razor-sharp claws, outnumbered two-to-one and all five of us roll lower initiative than them. we're completely surrounded in a fairly narrow corridor, four of us fail fear tests, and the only one of us who's any good at melee fails his fear test so badly that he's at -20 and can only make half actions. the mutant zombies charge in and start tearing the shit out of us. it's probably TPK time. the GM is looking like he's having fun.

so my arbitrator pulls out his only frag grenade and drops it on the floor. it's a narrow corridor: everyone is in the blast radius, all five of us and all ten monsters. we're penned in, so we can't dodge; they're frenzied, so they're making all-out attacks and can't either. but we all have a bit of armour, and they have none. we have fate on our side, and they don't. i roll 17 damage, totally wiping out all the mutants and damn near killing all of us. damn near but not quite. only one of us needs to be dragged out of the building to our vehicle outside. we get the fuck out of dodge. wow.

>Deathwatch
>White Scars marine with a bike
>Orks crash into our ship
>fight through endless hordes of Orks
>Finally find the Warboss
>Fucker tanks almost everything we have
>Only the lascannon can do some damage
>Decide to get to a higher vantage point
>Be right on top the Ork Warboss
>Carry the bike over head
>Jump from at least 65m high
>slam right into the Warboss' head
>Warboss' head explodes and sprays blood
>Sprays blood all over the place
>Marine broke his legs and died
>Have no Fate points left

Worth it