That Guy/GM stories

Every GM in this thread sound like they are 13 years old kids.

My GM's taste in what constitutes good fantasy and what is "cool" is definitely that of a 13 year old kid.

>Come into a topic about retard GMs
>Wonder why all the stories are about retard GMs

>the lie is unbelievable
such as? As a player, I've bluffed some retarded things. As a DM, I've allowed some beyond retarded things to get bluffed out.
>i'm dm
>PC is human. party at the mercy of a giant dragon
>"dude I'm a dragon in disguise. don't kill us"
>a few rolls (and kekworthy logical fallacies) later
>convinces dragon that he's a dragon

>i'm pc
>party is poor as shit because we just got robbed
>i have 3 gold coins left
>character all about that sleight of hand and "clever" bullshit. played a gambler bard who's shitty at music
>yeah i know. it was retarded.
>talk to a noble. tell him that I have a magical coin that duplicates itself once per day
>sleight of hand ohoho. holding one coin, then bam, two coins in hand
>he doesn't fully believe it
>"come back tomorrow and I'll do it again."
>you can see where this is going.
>we made a decent fortune and disappeared

Over the journey I grit my teeth at most of his bullshit. I'd pilfered and stockpiled everything he claimed to be anti-electricity from every encounter. Was even wearing the hydra's flesh as a full robe, just incase he pulled exactly what he was going to pull.
After he struck the boat, I revealed how much of his anti-thunder shit I was decked out in. He tried to play it off like the lightning was special, but he fucked up with a previous explanation.
His justification for the lightning strike was that it was excess lightning i'd called upon but didn't completely use, meaning that the strike was "my fault".
"So when I'm using the lightning and the enemy has the skin, it's complete resistence... but when it's literally my lightning and I'm using the resistence, it doesn't count?"
>party is pissed
>mfw he actually gives in
>I fly off into the sunset as the lone survivor

These happened roughly 2-5 years ago, and now here I am, writing giant posts of faggotry. Haven't touched D&D for over two years.

So much effort could be saved by the GM simply not being a passive aggressive little bitch about shit like this.

If you think someone is OP, you can always just talk to them, or even tweak encounters to give them a challenge.

Playing DH;

We are hired to investigate a planet, route out some cultists, do our job for the inquisition. I'm playing a female Spacer Psyker, frail, decent shot, my powers all about buffing and i'm never the hostile one. She is joined by a Gaurdsman (who's unstable and wants to be a space marine) a Techpriest with a penchant for goddamn cannibalism, and... i actually can't remember the other one. Some sort of scum?

anyway, we land and immediately i sensed how this was going to play out. waiting for us are two brothers, space marine sized and laughingly green. We, understandably, do not trust these two GMPC's that arn't there to railroad us into oblivion. The EVENTUALLY (the guardsman helped) dragged us off to a random disgraced space marine's hidey hole. Which resulted in the not-space marine freaking out and attacking us (but mostly Gork and mork) and then running off into the forest.

Our group decided to go and meet our contact in the nearby town, raise some meat shields to help us out, and generally prepare carefully for the carnage ahead.

>One should note, we have yet to make contact with our Operator on the ground, the two brothers are not mission we are looking for.

This is of course, cock blocked by the Not-Orks saying we should go and murder people. When we finally convinced them to leave (rolled for convincing the brothers, critted) the FOREST GROWS AROUND THE PARTY, REVILING A SINGLE PATH DEEPER INTO THE WOODS.

The landscape railroaded us. So far, nothing but railroading has happened (every time we try and do anything, things happen that either negate what we just do, or make it impossible, retroactively, to do anything that isn't what the DM wants). We eventually find a random cave (all signs point to cultists) and who's right in the front room? Mr/ Spezzmarine, in full (blood angels) armour, angry as shit. Gork and Mork are there, taking punches and being orky (seriously described as humans, definitely orks)

1/dunno i'm writing as i go

2/dunno

My Psyker sneaks by the massive melee to go and find the cultists (DM almost rage quit when i succeeded the roll). Pop Pop taken heads and cappin bitch's time. clear the room of the chanting, not fighting back... goddamnit. Dm was clever and made the deaths open a portal to the warp! of course he DID!

try to use mind powers to close the portal, fail even though i'm hitting my top rolls. Try to blow up the portal, fail because 'they got wet'.

Arm comes through, panic at the table, no one knows how to end this unfun, completely pointless game.

I'm determined to end the game, somehow, on a fun note however. I decide, for the glory of the emporah, to jump into the warp and close it from that side. Literally tackling the probably giant horror that is coming through, i get my first important crit.

Now i'm in the warp, facing motherfucking Tzeentch. Decide to attempt to 'steal some of his power and fight the bitch'. Dm tells me to roll, a roll i expected to loose.

Critted, the dm in his glory asks me to confirm (first crit that's been asked to do this all game) critted that. Now, something our DM does because he's a dickwaffle, is cascading crits, you crit on confirm, you roll again to see if you do more etc

6 crits in a row.

In the end, i became a god of chaos that sided with humanity and hangs out with emperor as his legit angel.

In my games at least.

>random bunch of cultists summoning tzeentch
Wat

>such as?
All sorts of things. Claiming I was someone else, claiming I had authority over someone or something, saying people went thataway, trying to talk my way past guards, convincing people to surrender by tricking them into thinking I had backup. Some of them were pretty outrageous, although I can't remember any specific ones at the moment. Others were very basic stuff, like the entire purpose of the bluff skill. It didn't really matter what it was. The GM just hated it when players tried to use skills to talk their way out of combat, and he would never allow it.

EXACTLY

But how do you "crit" or have "cascading crits" in the FF-d% system? I mean, you can crit on dam. rolls, but there's no inherent crit on skill-checks, just degrees of success.

Just how there are no crits on skillchecks in DND but that ain't never stopped anybody from doing EPIC LULAZY NAT TWENTIES.

True enough, but while I can suspend disbelief just enough to believe someone may have rolled 6 20's in a row ( 1 : 65 million odds )
I cannot suspend disbelief enough to believe someone rolled 001 on d%, 6 times in a row.
( 1 : 1000 billion odds)

EXACTLY

>very first DM I ever had is old school player vs DM as fuck
>enemies will steal your spellbook if you're a mage, disarm you for a fighter, etc
>the whole party end up with hyper self sufficient egalitarian monsters for PCs
>wizards tattooing spells on their bodies
>people dipping in Monk for unarmed striking damage so weapons can't be taken away
>rogues hiding needles under their skin

When I actually played with other DMs later everyone thought I was fucking crazy. EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST TOO SOFT NOW

DM stealing or destroying the wizard's spellbook is the ultimate cunt move.

Was a bot in irc, loved my dick apparently. I don't think she ever rolled terrible for me.

Shrug, I don't know what rules are for crits that are present in darkheresy.
Could've been that roll from 0 to 9 is considered a crit. Or 0 to 5 and its same odds as d20s.

Forged in the fires of hell you were.

No, it was actually as borked as the odds suggest.

We were playing in IRC and using a bot that wasn't programmed well, for whatever reason it liked to give me what amounted to only crits.

It was kinda shit desu, and a completely underwhelming amazing thing.

I fucking love this.

In that case the bot was broken.
Put it like this; In the history of humans randomizing d%.rolls, for work or pleasure, the sequence of 6 consecutive (random) rolls coming out 1, should not have occured. Because it is that fucking unlikely.

Damn, user, you have legit point but I can't help but remember one DM that would flip out about unrandom bots any time a dicepool (storyteller) would roll above average.

We even spammed rolls for test and I plugged them into a graph to show that they are fucking uniform within like 5% variance, but didn't stop shit.

i know, Dm insisted we use bot (hosted by a third, unrelated party), bot loved my dick, so i can't explain it other than;

EXACTLY.

Man your early games were metal

>>I'm fucking immune to lightning

Saved for posterity

Kek

You made it sound like you have PTSD there bud

>Join 4e game after years of no RPGs
>Want to roll up a dwarf barbarian
>DM basically rolls up my character for me, an elf ranger who specialises in sniping with ice attacks
>First two encounters are fine, still getting to grips with the system
>Third session onwards
>Suddenly ceilings are just high enough that not even dark vision can see that high
>Vampire spawn and slimes drop from the roof when my character is under them
>Ghosts and shit rise from the floor around my character
>Every ranged attack also targets my character, even though the party has a sorcerer and a warlock who deal way more damage than my character
>Can't do shit because my min/maxed dude can only shoot
>Not phased when my character runs out of HP for the first time
>Ready to roll up a character that I actually have control over
>LOLNO, death saves
>Fucking pass and stabilise

>Game dies
>Learn later that rangers are supposed to be able to do way more than just move and shoot
>DM borrowed my copy of Wind Waker for the game cube, then vanished from the face of the earth

>your first DM gave you PTSD

bumping for more stories.
>fucking immune to lightning

>Might have been a dick move to stop an evil necromancer
sure pal.

I don't get it, why do DMs do this shit? I've only DM'd one game, but I just don't understand it. Are they seeing DMing as a fight against the PCs?

I accidentally made a fight that our rogue couldn't participate in due to immunity to sneak attack and DR. He zoned out for the entirety of combat and seemed melancholic. It was my mistake, but I still felt awful. I don't understand how a DM could repeatedly ruin someone's fun like that on purpose.

More stories?

Probably strong dislike for the player/character or a misguided belief that because they're powerful, the whole party will be bored/dead, so they try to "nerf" them but overdo it.

Or they're fucking mental, I don't know.

>pc
>me and my party mates are working to reform a broken kingdom
>I was the de facto leader of new kingdom
>spend campaign reforming an army to bring peace and stability to the land
>final battle is a siege on a large town thats occupied by high level bandits
>dm asks me how many "companies" my army i brought with me has
>tell him 5 (I just assumed based on what I've already done)
>he makes me roll 5 dice
>he rolls 5 dice
>"oh, that sucks, looks like your entire army was defeated"
>wtf
>tell him to his face "I'm not gonna fucking play this game if that's the shit you're going to pull"
>mention how I put all this effort into building an army and then laying siege to the town and being strategic
>he wants to wipe it all away with dice rolls with no real context
>he backs down and lets me do my thing
>tells me later I brought "overkill" because the bandits were caught by surprise and were mostly drunk and lazy
>think to myself that he almost just let a bunch of drunk, lazy bandits caught by surprise wipe out an entire army of trained soldiers because he wanted to be lazy

>5e
>The DM is new, lets us use whatever book we want, only that we're all level 1
>Play a Lizardman Paladin, with a detailed backstory
>He barely understands anything that's going on plot related
>Only wants to help people and constantly smile
>8ft lizardperson constantly baring its fangs to what amounts as a world's poorest attempt of a smile
>Party also consists of a dwarf fighter, tiefling warlock and a tabaxi bard who liked to get naked
>fighter and warlock are new guys but pretty chill. Tabaxi player was just trying to be funny, but honestly RPed really well
>meet in a tavern
>dwarf immediately starts arguing with the racist old tavernkeeper
>dwarf challenges the tavern-keeper into fisticuffs
>80+ yr old tavern-keeper accepts
>knocks out the fighter in one turn, after using an Extra attack and magical monk gloves
>turns out he used to be an adventurer, but wants to life a peaceful life
>haha, the tavern-keeper is actually a level 7 monk

>get quest from a lord of the kingdom
>some duke is acting weird, sending knights to raid the village for supplies
>go to said village tavern
>ask around for rumours, etc.
>the tavern-keeper is described as a "shady, slim and powerful looking man wearing a hood"
>uh oh
>ask him if he's also a level 7 monk
>he says no, but he used to be an adventurer
>he got tired of that life and now is an tavern-keeper to live peacefully
>we need to infiltrate into the duke's castle
>Tabaxi makes up a brilliant plan
>villagers wait until next raid, use traps that the party will help create to bring some down and when the castle is undefended, we march in
>at night we're woken up by the tavern-keeper and 20 villagers
>we go this night and infiltrate through a secret passage, Tabaxi's plan is never mentioned
>go through the sewers, generic spike pit trap
>tiefling accidentally falls into a large pit with huge spikes
>fails FOUR various save checks in a row
>the tavern-keeper graciously leaps over and saves him
>uh oh

Because adversity is good, but some people are shit at creating it naturally and so try to force it.

Alternatively, they're being petty cunts.

>no saving throw or anything, he just saves him
>Tabaxi makes up a great plan to get all 20 villagers across the spike pit, but using ropes and shit
>midway through explanation they jump and die
>we never needed them anyway
>get through generic monsters straight from the MM
>skellies, etc.
>the shady slim tavern-keeper meanwhile keeps spilling exposition
>we keep making fun of his edginess by not trusting him IC
>he's fighting literally like a level 3 rogue
>go near the duke's quarters
>as we approach the door, I get up to bring the grid and the miniatures
>"oh we won't need them"
>uh oh
>the tavernkeeper says he knows that the old duke is dead and that a shapeshifter took his place
>he's hunted him for 20 years and now they're due to battle
>out of all the characters he gives my paladin a wing-shaped necklace
>says I'm destined to do great things
>the 8ft lizardperson keeps nodding as if he understands anything
>turns out the tavern-keeper is also the same race as the would-be duke
>he opens the door, long monologue on how he waited for this day
>he sprouts angelic wings on his back
>uh oh

>get a level-up IN THE MIDDLE OF A SESSION
>we get no choice if we want to participate
>we must run or die because their power is so much more powerful
>whole castle starts crumbling
>giant cinematic fight occurs as the tavern-keeper now an angel is fighting a giant demon in the sky
>explosions of magic and shit
>I remind the party that he still fought the skellies like a level 3 rogue
>the tiefling says he probably didn't want to waste spell-slots
>yeah makes sense
>suddenly angel dies, the demon teleports away
>the village is attacked by demons and shit
>run back to the lord of the kingdom
>he's an angel who's part of this secret society which has to protect the humanity
>angel gave me his necklace so now I'm also a member and the chosen one also
>he gives me an another necklace for the bravery in the big fight
>aw sweet an another necklace
>lizardperson way too excited about the new necklace to keep track of the plot
>turns out the lord, who looks like any other generic dude is the leader of this secret angelic society and he's also an insanely powerful wizard
>ha ha, the pompous duke is actually a level 15 wizard

>The lord of the kingdom, now a wizard, gives all of us magical items
>Magic items at level 2, right
>DM rolls dice before the session giggling how lucky/unlucky we got
>my character got one more roll extra and turns out he's supposed to get some sick magic shit that's awesome
>refuse immediately
>IC the Lizardperson is way too grateful with the pendant to care about silly magic shit
>OOC I hate when the whole party gets stupid OP two sessions in
>tells us to go to blacksmith to repair gear
>the generic dwarf blacksmith tells us that he will make our weapons or armor +1 but not both
>what the hell, how can you enchant these mundane items so easily?
>he was a powerful wizard but became a blacksmith...
>...because he wanted to live a peaceful life, unironically said the DM
>refuse because whoever is secretly a wizard cannot be trusted
>other party members gladly take their magic shit
>tabaxi gets oil of etherealness
>its oil, that means it goes on the skin
>disrobes near the lake, applies generously
>ha ha, the naked tabaxi is now ethereal

>Tabaxi makes up a great plan to invade the prison cells and release the prisoners because why not
>Perception check at prison, nat 20
>turns out he can't really release the prisoners anyway when he's ethereal and the guards don't carry the cell keys
>Tabaxi makes up a great plan to get rich
>He waits until the oil effect ends, appears in front of 10 guards IN MID AIR throwing gold coins around
>a naked cat-man with a money-shower appears from nowhere
>he sings that he's the cat-god of money and luck. Whoever donates him all their gold will forever be rich
>Aces the performance roll, nat 20 the deception roll
>guards fail insight
>A new guard comes down and doesn't buy it
>"Umm no, I think I saw you before"
>the other guards who failed their insight checks become immediately convinced
>Tabaxi tries to run
>Guards catch him
>Tries to use magic to get away
>"You didn't notice huge glowing runes on the wall. They prevent any magic"
>He nat 20 the perception check but didn't notice the glowing runes
>ha ha, the naked tabaxi is now imprisoned

Unless this story ends with everyone throwing the DM in a vat of acid, I plead you to stop. I legit want to pummel his face until it looks like a bear's ass.

No, ignore KEEP GOING

>DM borrowed my copy of Wind Waker for the game cube, then vanished from the face of the earth

Look on the bright side, you'll never have to interact with him again. He'll go out of his way to avoid you saving you the trouble.

kek. Shoulda trapped his soul in a gem and placed it in a treasure room for your own contemplation instead. Punishment for being a jackass.

>Get the Tabaxi out of prison by convinced the Lord
>He tells us something destroyed 7 Elf villages in the east
>In one day
>There are no survivors
>What the actual everloving fuck. How can there be not a SINGLE survivor after 7 entire villages get DELETED in a few hours??
>Nope there's none. The elves need help, go talk to them
>We go to the elven lands
>Immediately stopped by a hippie and his wolf, he asks if we got any non-natural items and shit.
>What the hell, we're on a mission to save your dumbass people.
>Rules are rules, we got to check on you
>A FUCKING ELVISH CUSTOMS
>We discuss among ourselves if we want to beat the hippie up and get on with the mission
>Suddenly we notice a bristling in the trees around us
>Literally a hundred thirty elvish archers pointing arrows at us
>Lizardperson smiles and waves at them. Asks why they were pretending to play elvish customs when their families were being eaten in one night
>Those 130 archers sure would have been handy in protecting those villages
>We comply to be searched. The wolf sniffs us out
>The wolf nods, after the dwarf gets rid of some staff or shit.
>The wolf turns into a magnificent Elvish elder, who tells us we can pass
>ha ha, the wolf is actually a level 17 druid.

did you pick up the enemy archer's arrows?

I bet they weren't even really powerful enough or intelligent enough to do that Tzeentch just decided to come through for shits and giggles then fuck off back home without actually doing anything in realspace. That'd be the kind of thing he'd do.

Holy shit, please keep going.

>try to drink glass of water
>gets caught in my throat
>choke and puke it up
>it takes form on the ground
>it's a level 20 elemental
>also an angel
>he settled down as a glass of water to live a peaceful life

I'm beyond kek at your DM

>The elvish elder gives the Lizardman a new necklace that allows passage into elvish territories
>Too overjoy at a new necklace added to the collection to hear plot
>Players get increasingly worried that everyone here is secretly a powerful being
>Get into carriage, start going
>See a "Wolf in shining bright fur" battling some hellhounds
>Hell no, the last time we stopped the carriage in elvish lands we got into the customs
>Decide to run over the wolf and the hellhounds
>The DM asks the tiefling (who's handling the carriage) to throw a Dex save
>He fails, being a warlock and all
>Gets oneshotted in an explosion, destroying the carriage in half
>turns out one of the hellhounds attacked
>without rolling initiative or anything
>as the tiefling lay there dying, my paladin wants to heal him up
>in 5e if you heal at least one point, the person gets conscious immediately
>I don't like that rule, but whatever. Heal the poor fellow for 10HP, enough to not die and fight a bit
>"Okay, so we're not doing it that way. If you heal somebody who's unconscious, you have to first heal 5 HP for every Death saving throw success he needs.
>I play the healer in this game and just found out that my powers will be useless for a long while.
>uh oh

That's actually pretty funny....

FUCKING HELL!

>The tiefling still lies there dying
>start fighting the 4 hellhounds
>assholes are tough, considering we're level 3
>the wolf fights like his stats were literally like a wolf's
>Our bard gets the attention of two hellhounds and gets one shotted next round
>fighter is at extremely low health
>The encounter is practically unwinnable at this point
>the DM says that the wolf finally satisfied his condition and the wolf becomes immense, growing at least five times
>immediately rips apart a hellhound into shreds, without a saving throw for the poor hellhound
>starts immediately smacking the other hellhound with multiple attacks, as if the rule of "one action and bonus action per turn" was hidden too deep in the wolf's shining white fur
>one shots an another hellhound
>meanwhile the Tiefling sucessfully stabilises himself but the Tabaxi fails his rolls
>The Tabaxi is now dead
>My character gets a bit mad and sees that it's no longer worth fighting, because the hellhounds stand no chance against this insane beast of a wolf.
>Wolf shreds another hellhound when it's not his turn
>I ask the DM if the hellhound can throw any saving throw, because it isn't fair for these poor guys
>no
>uh oh

>"Okay, so we're not doing it that way. If you heal somebody who's unconscious, you have to first heal 5 HP for every Death saving throw success he needs.

And I bet that this was the first time he mentioned that particular house rule.

>now that the encounter is made easier by killing the hellhounds who didn't even get a saving throw the wolf turns back into a small one
>the Lizardperson notices its small cat-person friend lays motionless
>Slams his sword to the ground, runs up to the Tabaxi
>Looks into the pale face and slowly starts sobbing
>The Tabaxi is absolutely dead
>The Lizardperson starts taking off his amulets, one by one
>IC he was so floored with grief that he couldn't wear trophies while his friends die around him
>OOC I realized that the necklaces are important to the plot so I made sure that they'd be easier to recover since I was planning to play next week with all this shitshow
>Finally, the fighter barely finishes off the last hellhound.
>The wolf looks at us and turns into a fucking druid, I shit you not.
>Lizardperson REALLY hates druids now
>The druid tells us not to worry about our friend.
>With a flick of the hand he healed the tiefling and me for 50-ish health each.
>Fighter gets visibly upset as this would have been useful in the previous fight
>The dwarf fighter starts shouting and asking why didn't he do that in the first place, why did he even need our help
>The druid smacks the dwarf in the face, dealing 3D10 damage. The dwarf falls unconscious
>ha ha, the wolf is actually a druid who's actually a level 9 barbarian

...

>uh oh

>from "The wolf looks at us and turns into a fucking druid, I shit you not." and down.
Holy fuck, dude.

May I ask something?
Did you guys ever realized that you could just leave and go do something non-retarded?

>Playing 5e
>I wanted a simple character, having been inspired by the story of the Beast from 40k, I decided to play an Ork.
>Roll up an Orc Monk, Way of the Open Hand
>His name was 'eadrippa
>He ripped off people's heads
>That was his finishing move, and defining trait
>He enjoyed it, had fun doing it, started up a successful clan of Orcs doing SOLELY THAT
>His advisor, Skrod, who actually set up the clan, and did all of the thinking, set up an eldritch ritual to give 'Eadrippa more power. He tattooed a demonic symbol on his back between his shoulderblades.
>Whenever 'Eadrippa ripped someone's Head off, he got a little bigger.
>There wasn't actually any in game reflection of this, it was purely aesthetic.
>Skrod used this mark to give sacrifices to his demon masters from beyond the void, as he was in actuality a Warlock.
>'Eadrippa, upon learning this, didn't really give a shit.
>Skrod ended up finding a more powerful Orc in the clan, took away his mark and kicked 'Eadrippa out.
>'Eadrippa didn't really care, just wanted to rip heads.
>He meets the rest of the party while working as an executioner for a small town who were afraid of the 10ft big Ork that liked to rip heads.
>Everyone else had an edgy backstory full of sadness and angst.
>'Eadrippa liked to rip heads
>The Wizard, Druid and Paladin all had a nemesis they needed to kill
>'Eadrippas nemesis was any skull still attatched to its vertebrae.
>DM was cool with it at first but killed off 'Eadrippa after half the campaign because he got pissy at my lack of ambition.
>'Eadrippa ended up exploding with Eldritch power randomly out of nowhere halfway through a fight with the BBEG's sub-sublieutenant.
>'E lives on to this day as my favourite character.

>The lizardperson finally has enough
>This druid can heal and kill others at will
>We, the adventurers who wanted just to save the elvish village, are just pawns to him
>The druid, who's actually an elf, tries to calm me and approaches me with arms open
>The lizardperson hugs him
>a 2D6+4 damage hug, as the greatsword suprisingly hits through his AC
>Double divine smite, roll pretty decent
>26 damage
>The druid looks visibly injured by this attack
>Calmly tells the lizardman to call down in a wise tone
>Fuck you, you killed my buddy
>Hit him again, 10 damage
>He flicks his wrist and the Tabaxi gets back to life
>The player clearly doesn't want to participate in this shitfest
>His screaming soul is pulled back into his lifeless body
>"No! I don't want to go there! Not back! No!" - the soul screamed
>Yet it was rammed back into this cruel world all the same
>I look into the Tabaxi player's eyes. We nod. We're not leaving this campaign in tact
>The Tabaxi starts beating the shit out of the druid as well, who is purposefully not defending himself
>Another 20 damage later it looks like we're going to kill him
>His hair starts glowing pure white and we see that he transforms into a golden-robe-clad "paragon of all life and virtue"
>ha ha, the wolf transformed into a level 7 druid who transformed into a level 20 paragon of all life and virtue.

I never thought that would be the kind of That Guy i'd be mad at. Making mary sues. Sure they're shitty, but not maddening. But "PARADING OF ALL LIFE AND VIRTUE"
NIGGA WHAT.

>His all wounds turns out to be an illusion.
>He looks regal and perfectly calm
>And then it struck me. In this perfect railroad, the party was the main character
>The paragon is supposed to be our mentor
>NONE OF US CAN DIE or else it would be derailing his story
>We keep hitting him, his AC is pretty high, we can only hope for a crit
>He tries to reason with the Lizardman but eventually caves in and casts a spell
>"Roll Wis saving throw, Lizardperson"
>I fail, because I'm a fucking lizard paladin, I ain't wise
>"Your Inteligence score are now 3"
>I start laughing uncontrollably
>He made up a spell just to reason with me
>The paragon of all life and virtue asks if I'm any calmer
>I calm down
>The lizard however, does not
>Calmly I explain to the DM. Now that my Int score is 3, the lizardperson is basically a giant angry lizard with a greatsword
>How the fuck is an int 3 lizard going to calm down?
>Keep hitting him, hissing and trying to bite the paragon
>The Tabaxi keeps attacking him as well, he didn't want to live anymore and that asshole is playing God.
>Two failed checks later we get runes inscribed into our bodies that say that we cannot pick any weapon up
>More fucking runes
>The lizard then bites the paragon
>Bard starts using magic
>The paragon of all life and virtue suddenly stops reasoning with us.
>uh oh

something tells me that The level 20 paragon of all life and virtue is not the paragon of patience.

MFW reading this whole thing

Also my first 5e character was also a lizardman paladin. They are the fucking best.

>Could this be it? Could we have pissed the DM enough to kill off the main characters of his story?
>The tiefling player, that awesome guy, tends to the fighter.
>He tries to persuade us, saying that the paragon is much stronger than us, he tries to bring us back to our senses.
>The Tabaxi player both IC and OOC tells him: It's not your fight. It's ours. Run away as fast as you can"
>Remember that this was literally the tiefling's first campaign of DnD. Poor sod.
>The paragon calms down and says that once we calm down, we will find him and that's the only way we shall reach our destiny
>He snares our characters so they couldn't attack
>Literally teleports away
>In the end, nobody dies. The DM wins. The story must go on.
>I stand up, thank the DM for the session. Me and Tabaxi live close, we start packing our shit. The DM still calculates the EXP, saying while laughing that he really didn't expect this
>Me and the Tabaxi are waiting outside for the bus
>The DM comes in, starts sharing his thoughts, asks for ours.
>Sits near my in the same bus
>I almost snap. I just remind myself how he's a new DM and he simply needs guidance. I was probably a shit DM on my first session too.
>I tell him pretty much everything I had on my mind, from the obvious railroad to how everything was secretly a powerful supernatural being.
>I even tell him to write a book if he wants a story so bad
>He nods and says he understands.
>"So guys, same time next week?"

That ending is fucking golden.

>had a 3e campaign with a group of high school friends many years ago
>everyone is really geeky, as you'd expect, but one kid in particular was just the fucking worst, we'll call him Mick
>every time anything happens to his character he'd bitch and whine like crazy
>any time people would momentarily strike up a conversation about something unrelated he would lose his shit and complain that we aren't "taking the game seriously enough"
>everyone is annoyed by him, even the DM
>we tolerated his presence because we were a small group and we wanted to actually finish a whole campaign
>Mick plays a wizard
>constantly whines that he's not as strong as everyone else, we're only level 4 or so at this point
>I play a fighter
>one day we were traveling somewhere to do something heroic, probably
>details are fuzzy, this was over a decade ago
>anyway, we get lost in the woods and aren't sure which way to go
>Mick decides he's going to climb a tree to see if he can spot any landmarks
>no idea why he volunteered, considering his shitty physical stats
>he makes it up the tree okay
>natural 1 on his roll to climb back down
>gets himself tangled in branches and thoroughly stuck
>fails strength check to break free
>he calls down asking for help
>I climb up the tree and find him stuck
>foliage is dense, no one below can see what's happening in the tree
>I roll to disarm him and take his only weapon, a dagger
>I jam it into his spine and climb back down
>tell the rest of the party "yeah I dunno, he's really fucking stuck up there, I think we just have to leave him"
>they all believe me and we leave
>he spends a few turns bleeding out alone in the tree
>Mick starts breaking down and crying and calling me an asshole OOC
>I say "what, you were stuck, what do you want from me?"
>he leaves and doesn't show up at the next meetup
I felt kind of bad afterwards, but he was genuinely a whiny little crybaby shit who consistently ruined our fun.
I wonder whatever happened to Mick.

Did the DM learn his lesson by the next session, or was he forbidden from DMing ever again?

>He nods and says he understands.
Why did you not bring this up after the 4 failed saves in the pitfall or the angel/demon fight.
You are equally to blame for this entire cluster fuck.

>"So guys, same time next week?"
If you had to patience to sit it out this far, might aswell go all the way.
Maybe he will try and improve himself.

>"So guys, same time next week?

jezus christ, are you a sociopath?

This is what I aspire for my players to become as I introduce them to the meatgrinding of early D&D

On Facebook he tells me how much he's planned for our characters next. Turns out my Lizardperson will become a herbalist (he searches for a cure to his ill friend, that's why he became a pally in the first place), the Tabaxi will become a famous performer and the Tiefling will learn the secrets of his Patron through a ritual.
I ask him if our characters could die at point in the story, at all. Did we really have ANY danger in front of us?
"Nope, I need you all alive for the next three sessions. After that, you'll see what happens!"
I just tell him to stop insulting his players intelligence. I tell him we're not fucking retarded and it feels like he's playing our characters for us inside a shitty magical realm story.
After that rant he FINALLY understood that me and the Tabaxi won't be playing anymore.

The Tabaxi player didn't take it so well, he pretty much went mad after the game, ranting on every single stupid shit the DM has done is such a short time. From the runes to fucking paragons. I tell him if he wants a good campaign, why doesn't he run one?

Three months later I, the Dwarf and the Tiefling are still playing the Tabaxi's campaign. The Tiefling now plays an awesome Mastermind Rogue and thankfully hasn't been deterred from playing.

I'm not at all mad at the DM. He only played DnD about 5 times, and it was in my campaign, so I expected this much. But what kills it for me his unwillingess to change anything.

>He's really fucking stuck up there

Kek

Dick move for killing your own player, but gratz on pulling it off so well. Light Yagami/10

>be GM
>PCs need to find a ancient druid and get his help
>they travel to this ancient forest to meet him
>I prepared all a bunch of stuff
>the players would be found by elven rangers
>then they would have to pass trials and shit to see the druid
>when they finally get there, the group's wizard, within minutes, decide that the quickest way to find the druid is to set the forest on fire.

Please tell some stories this sounds amazing. Like dark souls levels of fuck you from your DM.

That's fucking cool, I wish my players would do that instead of whining every time they have something bad happen to them.

Whining is okay as long as they suffer through it.

Yes it was the first time. The only previous experience of D&D he had was a couple of games in my campaign, where I also used a house-rule for healing characters below 0 HP. I always explained it before anyone created a character, and it's completely different from what he used, so I have absolutely no idea where did he get this idea from. I'd say this was a spur-of-the-moment thing and he didn't want my Paladin to be good at healing as well, but not once did the DM care about the balance of the game, so I have no idea.

I did realize that I could have walked away. I'm glad I didn't, though, I can now share this story. The Tabaxi player should have left earlier, I think. It genuinely made him hate any reference of runes in a game.

It's weird that he also tried his best to make MY character a Mary-Sue, with all the necklaces and hidden destinies. It felt weird and perverse in a way, since my character (I put quite an effort to RP him) kept getting the positive attention of almost every NPC. It was like the lizardperson was the main protagonist of a dystopian sci-fi young adult novel.

He didn't. Some weeks later he told me his biggest mistake was making up his own story and not using the one from the book. I agree. He's not a bad person, just had a VERY different idea of what D&D was as opposed to us. If we got told that this would be an adventure from the D&D books, I would have reacted differently.

"Yeah I dunno, he's really fucking stuck up there"
I don't know why but my sides are gone now.

>40k escalation league
>Asshole brings a forgeworld army with two bloodslaughterers to 750pt game
>He actually gets punched

Fuck, wrong reply.
Anyway, I know I'm partially to blame for this. But I DID talk to him after the first session. I politely said that the game felt like the players didn't have enough agency and felt like our actions didn't have lasting consequences. He nodded and said he understood and he'll do better next time. So I did what any non-cynical person would do and assume that he will learn from his mistakes.
After the second session was this bus scene and of course there was no third session.

I had the patience to sit out because it only lasted two sessions. After finally reassuring myself that this is going to continue, I got out to find a game that didn't feel like a (hilariously bad) waste of time.

christ. How bad did that room stink? What with all the cheese.

>playing Stars Without Numbers
>two experts, a con artist and an engineer (I think), an AI mechanic and two warriors, an ex-special service and a cyberninja
>fairly serious campaign with everyone playing it completely straight
>except the fucking cyberninja
>the worst "le Chaotic Ebul xd" roleplay I've ever seen
>wants to sell our first plot hook to the black market
>kills living proof of a serious framejob against us
>takes selfies with corpses
>described as a "thrill junkie"
>wears a daft punk helmet that displays emoticons
>for some bastard reason he was our captain

Let me guess, he was the GMs friend.