Fantasy jokes

I want to make a character that tells jokes but I'm lacking in material. Anyone have any thematic funnies they've heard around the table?

"How many dwarves does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"What is a light bulb?"

What are three things you can't give an orc?

A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

Three guys are using the bathroom.
The paladin washes his hands, says "In paladin school we were taught cleanliness is next to godliness."
The ranger wipes his hands with leaves and says "In ranger school we were taught to be eco-friendly."
The fighter walks by and says "In fighter school they taught us not to piss on our hands."

how are elves like jelly beans?

no one likes the black ones.

Elvish Joke:

A dwarvish festival is being held, and the master of ceremonies is looking for a new act to please the crowd. A group of humans arrive, a man, a woman, a son, a daughter and their pet dog. They say that they have an act which is sure to excite. The master of ceremonies asks to see it, so they prepare.

First the man takes off his belt. It is extremely long, going around his waist multiple times, in fact. He draws it out and begins using it like a whip to paint pictures in the air. (His trousers are held up by suspenders, you see) and as he does this, his wife begins to toss confetti into the whip's path. By some design it remains aloft and forms beautiful pictures. Then she reaches down and pulls up her dress...

revealing the son and the dog, who rush out and begin performing tricks. The boy balances on his head, spreading apart his legs, the dog runs up to him and does a flip, perfectly, over the Y-shape. Then the daughter comes out, and the son grabs her by the waist, and lifts her up into the Air. The dog goes and fetches a wooden rod.

A paintbrush, which the daughter dips into a supply of paint and begins to throw up at the confetti, which is still fluttering around. The mother meanwhile has retrieved a canvass, and the duaghter and father begin to whip paint and confetti with perfect accuracy onto it as she holds it aloft and turns it, slowly creating an image of a dwarf with his lips wrapped around some sort of...

Pipe! A pipe puffing with blue smoke. They place it down, and bow. The master of ceremonies claps thunderously.

"That was incredible! You are true artists, what is the act called?" he asks. The father smiles and says

Fuck you you Digger.

I don't have any jokes, but I always enjoy monks who give really amibuous advice in the form of proverbs that don't make any sense.

I would love a sample of those proverbs, I am playing a ridiculously philosophical bard

Why are all of these racist. Why are you like this.

An elf has terrible stomach pains for several days and decides to visit his cleric. "Healer," says the elf, "I think I may have a kidney stone. Can you take a look for me?" The cleric, who is a dwarf, nods. no sooner has the elf dropped his pants than the dwarf says "Ah! There's good rock here!"

There's a Ranger stationed at Polk, and he decides he wants some new gator-skin boots. But he doesn't wanna buy 'em, he wants to kill the gator himself. So he heads out to a little town off-base, and asks the shopkeeper there where he can find gators for gator-skin boots. The shopkeep says "I reckon you can find some out in the bayou. But hey, I sent some Marines in there a week back for the same thing and they haven't come out. When you go, keep an eye out for them, yeah?"

So the Ranger heads out into the bayou. After a few hours, he hears some noises, follows them, and finally runs across both Marines. They're waist-deep in the water, and there's a pile of 20 dead gators next to them. Suddenly, a gator starts swimming through the water, the first Marine grabs it, the second Marine slits its throat, and they toss it on the pile, at which point the first Marine checks it over and goes "Well goddammit, this one's got no boots either!"

What's the difference between an Orc and a bench? A bench can support a family of five.

Change marine to orc and it makes perfect sense.

I'm seriously thinking about trying to use the pearls of "wisdom" I've read on this site:

"opinions are like butthole, everyone has one".

"Your stupid ass coudn't even teach a dog how to shit on a carpet".

things like that.

Why was the castle puzzled by the men fighting?

He didn't know what the battlement.

Low INT joke
Benis :DDDDDDDD

kek

I don't get it, but English is not my first language

It's not very funny anyways. I think the joke is that "There's good rock here" is normally used in mining operations as a way to point out good places to dig (I think?), but here it refers to the elf's kidney stones. Because dwarves are all miners.

Alternatively, it means that the dwarf feels the need to dig into the elf pants.
In a sexual manner.
I mean buttsex.

Just make up things that seem vaguely associative and let others make their own assumptions
>"like the dew of the new dawn, so must we be"
>"be one with the water and you'll find your way"
>"the mighty oak bends for only one"
>"if the worms seeks to avoid the bird, he too must be as the bird"

They're fun and dumb to make up, whatever the other person thinks it means, it is.

>An Elf and an Orc are traveling together, when they come to a valley
>below them is a horde of zombies created by a necromancer they were tasked to deal with
>the elf panics and starts to shake. He whimpers, "Oh no! This is terrible! How will we ever get through them?!"
>the Orc, sounding just as scared, turns to him and says "That's nothing! I have to walk back up this hill alone when we're done!"

Most jokes are only funny if they're in context. I'd only advise playing a joker character if you're genuinely funny OOC or if the bad jokes are played for humor.

"A party walks into a tavern with their weapons drawn. The bartender asks, 'what's with the weapons?'"
"'Mimics,' the party says."
"The party laughs, the bartender laughs, the table laughs."

Just as the flower and its fragrance are one, so must you and the world become.

I like this one.

I'm stealing this.

I've used and seen it used before. We now throw it into every setting as a meta joke. And as a warning that the DM is about to call for Initiative.

It works even better as adventurers (of the murderhobo type), really.

If you immediately know that the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.

Check this one out.

A cleric, a paladin, and a wizard all walk into a tavern.

Except there's no paladin and no wizard.

And it's my eighth birthday and the cleric is molesting me.

And the cleric is my father and he's not a cleric.

...my dad molested me.

...a lot.

>the party bard tries to tell jokes, but always manages to bring up some horrible thing from his own life and makes himself sad without ever really meaning to

How do you stop an elf from drowning?
Take your foot off their head

What do you throw a drowning elf?
His wife and kids

What did the blind, deaf, armless, and legless elf get for christmas?
Cancer

Well now I want to make a character, that tells jokes but is lacking in material.


what did the policeman say to his bellybutton?
you're under a-vest

Once at the inn, they put a sign up saying that if I could make this donkey they got in the stable laugh, I'd win five gold, so I ask the tavernkeep what's the catch and he says no catch, just go out there and you got 5 minutes to make that donkey cry. So I goes out there and a minute later I come back and the donkey's laughing himself to death. "what's your secret" asks the tavernkeep and I told him it was a family secret, collected me gold and was on me way. Next week, they had a new sign up saying to make that donkey cry instead, so I asks if it's the same deal and they tells me this time he won't give me the gold til I tell him how I did it. Well, 'sworth 5 gold I thought so I goes back out there and a minute later, the donkey's crying a river. He asks me what I did so I tells him, you remember last week? Well, I told him my cock was bigger'n his, but this week I proved it

I once asked the lads at the townhall how much it cost to put up a notice on the board if I wanted to sell something, two copper per inch they tells me. I told em it was too rich for my blood as I wanted to sell a ten foot pole

>What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
>Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
>What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
>What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.

A priest of pelor is looking for his holy symbol, in desperation he cries to the heavens "oh lord, I'll give up on the kiddy fiddling for all my days if only you help me find my symbol". As he spoke, the clouds parted and a ray of sunlight illuminates his symbol by his bedside, overjoyed the priest calls out "never mind lord! I've found it"

I'm totally going to make a taoist bard specced into Perform (Cryptic Proverbs)

an elf stops a dwarf in the street and asks him the quickest way to the next town. "are you going by foot or by horse?" the dwarf asks. "by horse" replies the elf. "ah" says the dwarf, nodding sagely "that'd be the quickest way right enough"

what's the difference between gods and elves? God's don't think their elves

So, a dwarf walks in a bar... oh, sorry, the dwarf walks under the bar.

A noble walks into a dwarf bar and says "there's fifty gold for any of you who can drink ten pints of the strongest ale back to back". There's no takers and one or two even shuffle off out of the back. After a bit, a dwarf walks in the door "that fifty gold of yours still good?". "the noble takes the dwarf over to the bar and lines him up the ales, quick as a flash, the dwarf downs the whole lot of 'em. The noble, stunned, hands over the gold and asks what took them so long to come forward. The dwarf replies "Well, I went to the next pub over to see if I could do it first"

What's the difference between a dwarven wedding and a dwarven funeral? One dwarf present isn't drunk

A band of adventurers come before a king after a hard days slaying. "sire, we bring good news, we've defeated many monsters, slain powerful champions and brought back spoils from your enemies in the west!". Perplexed and angered, the king cries "Fools! I don't have enemies in the west". The adventurers collectively shrug and say "Well, now you do"

Holy shit this describes the campaign I'm running perfectly, direction, murderhobos and all.

I don't get it.

A man finds a bottle with a genie. "make your three wishes mortal" says the genie. The man makes his wishes and races home. upon entering his bedroom, he finds the woman of his dreams and makes passionate love for hours, when he awakes, he finds that his whole front room is swimming in gold. Before he can enjoy his riches however, a paladin kicks in the door, slings a noose around his neck and hangs him ass naked from the tree out front. The paladin removes his helm, scrathcing his head to reveal the genie. "you know" he says to himself "I understood the woman and the gold, but why'd anyone want to be hung like an orc?"

a rogue finds three women walking down the street with their children, an orcess, a dwarfess and a elf woman. He tells the three that he can tell a lot about them by what they've named their children. He asks the orc's daughter's name "Candy" she replies. "Ah" says the rogue, "your mother must like her sweets", making the orcess laugh.

He asks the dwarf's daughter's name. "penny" she says. "You mother must be obsessed with money" he responds, making the girl giggle and the mother blush

The elfess huffs and takes her son's hand "what nonsense, I should expect as much from a human, now, come along dick"

I wanna play a lich that does nothing but tell skeleton and zombie jokes.
"What is a skeletons favorite instrument?"
"The xylobone!"
*runs over to skeleton with sticks and plays ribs like xylophone*

Why do people say zombies are evil? Well, I suppose they -are- pretty rotten

My ghosts are getting pretty lonely, they don't have any body to be with!

What did the boy naga say to the girl naga?

Give me a little hiss!

She turned him down though, real cold blooded

...

Reverse Aristocrats joke.

hehe

It is a non-vulgar, fantasy-setting parallel of The Aristocrats, an old dirty joke where the teller piles on as many fucked-up vulgar this gas as possible into the setup, then delivers the punchline which is not actually a punchline. See the documentary "The Aristocrats."

>This gas
*THINGS. God damn this tablet keyboard.

"You couldn't figure out how to empty a bucket of water if the instructions were on the bottom."

Kinda of elaborate and overly long to just say the elf equivalent of "fuck you nigger".

If my Gm gave that description of the act, I don't think I would have known it was a joke.

...

Two dwarfs walk out of a bar.

Why is leather armour good for sneaking?

Because it's made of hide

A Gnoll, a Yuan-ti, and a Flumph meet in a field in neutral ground. The Gnoll's halberd shines, the Yuan-ti's fangs glisten, the Flumph's ... tentacle drips.

I know there's something better than a Flumph for this one but I CBA to go flipping through the monster manual to find one.

Social necromancers are the worst.
They're too fond of making new friends.

Wise man once say, "man who fish in other man's well, often catch crabs"

"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."

"Never confuse barding with a bard, as one protects your ride, while the other may ride you"

"Never spill a Duergar's drink, for their love of spirits is dwarfed by their temper"

"Rogues may rarely buy, but they see many cells"

"It is unwise to test the patience of a wizard, for it will often spell disaster"

"Only a fool asks the origins of an elemental, as it is plane to see"

Sorry, puns are the best I got

Looks like a variant take on the Aristocrats

A human, an elf, and an orc are all 3 running from the town guards. They find an empty building with an unlocked door and run inside. There, they find 3 cabinets just big enough for them to fit in. The human takes the first, the elf takes the second, and the orc takes the third.

A few minutes later, a guard walks in searching for him. He sees the cabinets, and goes to knock on the first one. The occupant says "meow, meow!"

"oh, it's just a cat" the guard says, then knocks on the second one. The occupant inside says "woof, woof!"

"oh, it's just a dog" the guard says, then knocks on the third. The occupant inside say "SACK'O'POTATOES!"

ever heard of the Aristocrats?

That poor boy. How is he to handle a rejection of that scale?

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and acts like a duck, then it's likely the victim of some bored wizard.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the wizard that polymorphed it.

What do you call a group of warlocks ready to kill each other? A Hexican standoff

What's black and white with red all over? No, seriously, what did that crazy fucking wizard manage to summon this time?

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a noise? No one can be sure, since the elves' crying drown it out.

How did the Elven murderer get away with his crime? By claiming elf defense

A dullahan, a vampire, and a lich are sitting together talking after their defeat at the hands of adventurers. As they spoke, a dragon approached and asked "how were you three defeated? None of you have a scratch"

The dullahan replied first, "Their words cut deeper than any sword. Their Bard told me I needed get off my high horse and get some head. I was so depressed, I lost the will to fight.

The vampire replied next, saying "the Bard defeated me as well. He said all I was good for was sucking"

The lich went next, saying "Same story with me. Once he saw me, he just laughed for a minute straight before telling me to get a life"

They then turn to the dragon and asked what the Bard said to her, to which the dragon replied, "oh, fuck me..."

what do you call a kobold that lost its hair? kobald.

Age of Sigmar

They are, however, quite good at raising a family.

I don't get it.

Whats potatoes?

"He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!" ~Brother Silence, The Gamers II

>I want to make a character who tells jokes but I can't make up jokes
Don't.

"A logs back isn't it's front when you spin it around"
"What good is ones water if it's not wet"
"A tired hand leaves a healthy tree"
"How can one be hungry if the food tastes good"
"Losing a battle might gain one a war"
"The past isn't the present when you tell of the future"

>to the kind user who recognises these jokes, post the pic related.

Swing a sword? that doesn't sound comfortable to sit on.

Cast with a scroll? But I threw it into the lake ages ago!

A critical strike? I didn't know artists had unions.

I play a halfling and our barb is a Goliath. Several times I've pulled the "look I'm a halfling, *you're* a ling and a half" bit. Usually wins over lords and tavernkeeps alike.

> My bard never considered performing The Aristocrats
> I feel nothing but shame
Bravo you marvelous bastard

"What did the leper say when he paid his prostitute?"
"Keep the tip!"

Nah, they need to have some whimsical wisdom to them you can kind of understand.

>Worms eat dirt to avoid the bird, such is life in hiding
>An single ant can carry a leaf, many ants can carry their own kingdom
>Rain falls on friend and foe alike

Probably how bards are known to want to fuck things. And its a fucking dragon.

Forgot to mention that about half of Veeky Forums would also want to fuck the dragon.