>tfw enlisted becasue of all the magic craze
>tfw go stationed in the dwarf lands
>their cities smell like shit and beer
>their alcohol tastes like mold mixed with water
>can't tell a difference between man and a woman
>everybody acts like some violent retard
>conversation topics consit of weapons, food, and alcohol
>occasional topics about orcs and elves and how they are massive faggots also come up
>everything would be better, even amazons
>tfw your pelvis won't get crushed by 7'2 tall amazon
>tfw want get relocated to elf lands to get elf gf
>tfw sergeant told me the soonest i can be relocated is in 6 months and i have a higher chance of getting relocated on the orc border rather than elf lands
>mfw
How are you holding up Veeky Forums? Did you have more luck?
Tfw enlisted becasue of all the magic craze
>Enlisted to learn magic.
>Wrote the recruitment examn well.
>Got thrown into officer school and sent to wood elf lands to study.
>They teach me martial arts instead.
>Not the military kind but punching walls down and running on enemy heads.
>Have an old grizzly bearded (i always thought they couldn't grow one) Elven man feel me up as he shows me the propper stances and how to chanell ki.
>Their women ignore me most of the time because i'm considered ugly since i'm only an average looking Human male.
>The only elven chick who would consider dating me is a Dark Elf matron i recently saved from a save dealer and she had to swear me lifelong loyalty after that because of some dumb tradition.
>Now have to manage her murderous tendencies along with my duties.
>Can't even get a transfer any more because i've become a Commandin Officer.
>I wish i was back in human lands.
>can't tell a difference between man and a woman
Aren't army men supposed to have good eyesight?
Goblins keep stealing my shovels
That's not a dwarf. That's a stunty elf.
>conscripted for 1 year
>posted to a garrison on the outskirts of dauvisbrad, a keep on the cliffs overlooking loch dauvi and home of a lich named ce'leth.
>lich opens a portal to hell, in what would be known as the conflagration of ce'leth
>witness to unspeakable horror while banished to a hell-dimension
>consumed in malevolent living flames
>what burns heals in a mere moment, only to burn again
>the passage of time is meaningless here
Lmao@u faggot, should've gone to private sector
>joined some random human security company in new world
>got stationed in some amazon village as support against orc invasion
>comfy jobs from watching infants to slaughtering orcs with bros and bro tier amazons
>singing around the bonfire
>getting hit on by walking goddesses
>chief of the tribe we're working with told me one qt is interest in me
>asked which one
>she poitns at 7'' tall thicc goddess
>each breast is size of my head
>ass fatter than the average citizen of freedomland
>hips wider than the Mariana Trench
>emerald eyes
>apparently the only job men have in amazon tribes is to be a sperm dispensser and a dad
>seriosuly considering staying behind even though they live in litteral jungle village
Still, those hips can do unspeakable things to a man's mind + i've heard some boner conducting stories from local men .i'll become property of that qt if i decide to stay but men say it's worth it. Their wives treat them like treasures and only injuries they get in that jungle are crushed pelvises.
>Enlisted
>Get station in what I would later learn as Nope Forest of Nope
>Forest is filled with barbaric and xenophobic wood elves, malicious fey, rapist dryads, and fucking spiders.
>not big spiders, just swarms of these tiny little bastards
>No sunlight
>Everything has that horrible rot smell
>Have to sleep in plate armor to make sure the fey don't rape in my sleep
>Go to take a shit in the woods because the outhouse was filled with those horrible spiders
>Get shot in the ass with a barbed arrow from one of those fucking elves
Fucking sucks mate.
yep. see that, there? no beard.
If you're not a manlet just become Veeky Forums and good with drills and you should be able to apply for transfer to a honor guard. They get stationed in ambases and capital cities. If you're also not bad looking you can even get stationed in capital of elf lands.
That's what you get for being an Orc in Wood Elf lands.
They treat you as food here.
That's the whole reason you are at war with them in the first place.
>get sold to orc warband by my mother because I dared to strike my bitch of a cleric sister
>orcs are pretty cool mongrels and actual let me whip the slaves and captives for them
>we raid a human village
>find a human girl that works as a cleric
>find out she has taken a vow of chastity
>mfw I'm gonna fill her with Lolths love until she leans to love the pain
Y'know, I just realized that female dwarfs are the personification of the "feminine penis" argument
>feminine beard
>Orc
Fuck you! I'm just ugly.
you to eh?
Human CO from wood-elf lands.
Your sister is now drinking my Human spunk.
Thanks for selling her to a slave dealer.
That's what your mother Gruzorga tolld you, ain't it m8...
Not to mention that you obviously serve in the Orc army.
Wood elves grow their forrests into magical fortresses that nobody can enter without permission.
I and my company are only allowed here because we humans are firm allies of theirs.
They kinda didn't notice the empire they allied them selves wit crumbling some 3 millenia ago and just kept helping us regardless.
Why are elven women so shit? I was on patrol in one of their cities and this qt was looking like she lost something so i came and asked if she needs help. She just ran off without a word. Next day i get shat on by my sergeant. He tells me local father told him i tried to rape his daughter.
Fucking knife eared faggots, they deserve all the rapes they get from orcs, I WAS JUST BEING NICE YOU WHORE. From now on im only going to fap to elf rape doujins.
I didn't sell her my bitch of a mother probably did, my sister probably missed a word in her opening prayer of something. Please do me a favor and impale her incompetent ass on a pike for me.
Good news user.
This thread is being scryed and your CO is on his way to stun your ass and drag you out of the forrest.
You shall now serve on the frontlines and fight against orcs instead of harrassing the locals.
Fucking hell m8, I got sent to an outpost on the other side of the loch. We coulda been bunkmates. Fuck that lich though, seriously. Ever since that asshole opened a portal to hell it's been demonic invasion 24/7. These fuckers are practically coming out of the fucking walls. I've had my roght ear bitten off by fellbats and re-attached by the outpost cleric THREE FUCKING TIMES. I don't know what the hell they want with my ears man but theu rip off my fucking helmet to do it. We're all waiting inside the barracks for the dwarven smith to attach these big fuckoff spikes to our helmets now. Fucking fellbats.
I allready did that.
You'll be an uncle soon.
Don't worry tho, i'll teach your nephews to hit clerics whenever they can.
>implying i won't switch sides and actually revenge rape all the elf whores i'll see
That's what you get for treating nice people like shit.
>work as a freelance necromancer demigod
>shit is normally boring
>walk up one day to an average day of bring back idiots who got them selves killed.
>notice some extremely hot nuns enter the came for prayers and shit
>fuck.jpeg
>try to book it.
>escape and make it to a nearby city
>forgot we had twenty guys stationed here all over the city.
> make it through the city and try to find some kind of material to make a portal to make it back home
>find out they are only in the crypt (looking for some mold(city is some kind of elf city so its clean as fuck(even the sewers are fucking clean)))
> find mold but guards enter and see how im dressed
>i am wearing some inscribe robes(the magic not only enhances my magic but makes me look younger and it also makes it softer)
>doomed.jpeg
>get taken off to jail for being accused of trying to bring the dead back to life.
>real dick heads as i try to tell them i just needed mold
>mfw the trial is the next day due to how good the law system is
>unfair trial, the religion of the area is so against necromancy they have all of those who do it cast into a alter dimension. but that does not happen to me
>im going to be feed to mutated monsters in a lab in some kind of arena.
>mfw i have 2 other necromancers with me
>mfw then are actually in the same boat as me trying to get out of this shite hole.
>mfw then give us staves and some material
>mfw we make a ritual before the mach and teleport into a troll infested jungle
> excape and try to keep the party alive for as long as possible.
> getting chased by twenty different trolls and goblins of all things.
>one of the necromancers makes a magical barrier and we continue towards the inner area of the temple
>mfw the area is a crypt
>mfw there are rusted(shity) weapons and old dwarven weapons laying around.
>mfw we leave and go home to our family's
>mfw we end up trying to go back to the eleven city and destroy it for its crimes aganist the now tri rulers of the undeath jungle of Rot wood.
Tell them if I ever see them or their mother I'm grinding them up and feeding them to the orcs, or I'll just have the orcs eat them alive like the savages they are, depends on my mood.
Elfs are fags, this is why their women deserve all the rape they get.
Fuck off Jarvis. You and everyone else knows I'm not a fucking orc, nor do I eat people like you claim I do. I also know that your the fuckface that told those stupid xenophobic elves that I was an orc. You stupid fuck, if you wanted to be one of those disgusting barbarians, then cut parts of your ears off till their pointed. You stupid little edgy shit, your father isn't going to protect you now.
I like this orc, why couldn't you be the one that bought my sister at least I know you would eat any godforsaken abominations she squeezed out.
>Be me
>be ugly 2/10 human peasant boy
>get bullied by other townsfolk
>girls ran away shouting monster whenever they saw me
>because of this, never got good at social
>had no skills because fucking peasant
>only future was to take over family's shit farm with no one but the sheep for companionship
>suddenly war breaks out
>enlist
>get sent to frontier outpost to protect towns
>turns out a hardy peasant lifestyle and years worth of repressed anger, hatred, vitriol, and violent fantasies made me really good at killing things
>get free helmet and excuse to hide my face
>get bitchin armor and snazzy ass uniform
>get to kill filthy barbarians and monsters
>people don't run away to avoid talking to me now
I even caught a few cute girls glancing at me while I was out on Gaurd duty. I mean, granted it was probably either because of the uniform or because of how covered in blood it was after I strangled an Orc who was trying sneak in with his own intestines, but that's still a better reaction than I used to get!
>Tfw I'm a book learned faggot with no muscle but I read books all day about fighters rangers and paladins having epic adventures.
>Dad wants me to be a wizard and paid for my education himself
>Don't want to disappoint dad
>Will never be heroic warrior
>Probably just going to be performing parlor tricks for some lesser lord until I die
End me.
>a save dealer
This sounds lewd.
I'm angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES!!!!!!!!!!
>tfw town guard
>tfw my entire job is extorting merchants and throwing rocks at the occasional goblin
>tfw adventurers show up
>tfw the shifty looking cunt with knives stabs my mate and takes my coin purse
>tfw the paladin just sighs and mutters under his breath about murder hobos
I wish I enlisted mate.
Fuck, help me brahs
>stationed near some dark elf village
>naturaly me and m8s go a bit off course always ending up in their village
>on one of our "detours" met qt brown elf
>10/10 petite body with god tier legs and breasts
>she has fucking white hair, and apparently it's natural for their kind,
>fucking noice
>naturaly i charm her and we end up together few times here and there
>fast forwards 3 months
>haven't seen my elf waifu much since had to do some actuall work
>while i was chilling in my bunk my m8 told me i have visitor
>who the fuck would visit me?
>we're litteraly stationed in the middle of nowhere, supplies have to be airdropped since we're surrounded by mountains with no road access
>go to the social room
>it's mah elf waifu
>gettinsome2nite.jpg
>look at her stomach
>it's bigger then when i 1st met her
>threat level midnight
>fuck
>elf waifu sees me and runs towards me
>throw herself at me and starts kissing me
>asks me where i've been
>been busy etc. gotta prepare for my return to human world
>she says im not going anywhere
>w-why?
>she takes my hand and puts it on her belly
>tells me it's mine
>tell her that we don't know that
>she says im the only man she's ever been with
>plsno
>says her father will kill me if i'll run away and relationships between human and elfs will take a really bad turn
I don't mind having a brown qt elf wife, my problem starts with where we'll live. I don't want to live in that fucking shithole, they're literally medieval tier town. I want to live in civilization with readily available interwebz access. Anybody ever got their waifu preggo? what did you do? Can i legaly take her with me to the human world? She said she doesn't care where she'll live as long as i'll be close to her.
>be a skeleton in a lichs army
>lich doesn't know I gained sentience
>other skeletons and zombies are not much for conversation
>can't talk to the ghosts and shades because they'll tell the lich
>I'm so bored
>would rather be out traveling than killing these damn adventurers that keep showing up to the dungeonew
Can someone help?
Try talking to the lich, maybe he'll let you go? A single skelly shouldn't be much of a loss for him.
The lich would probably just kill him, he'd be better off trying to talk to the adventurers. If they're redemption cucks he can go along with them and then kill them for their stuff.
Are you EVIL? My paladin buddy would like to know before I answer......
>chill in a tavern, drinking by myself, thinking about life, all that jazz
>a qt elf chick walks to my table
>"hey you look like an adventurer! we're gonna kill this fatass goblin king, wanna come with?"
>holyshit.png
>the elf travels with a female dwarf fighter and a female human wizard
>the elf has a bow, probably a ranger
>she's at least 8/10
>i'm a cleric, probably explains why she asked me
>"s-sure"
>2 days later our party finds the goblin king's dungeon, in that time we get to know one another
>we're ambushed by a huge-ass ogre
>the ogre is strong af, one-shots the dwarf and then heads towards me
>the elf fires a couple arrows, but it only makes pisses off the ogre, and it KOs her as well
>me and the wizard barely take down the ogre
>the elf chick died
Now that's a good idea
I've committed evil acts in order to keep my cover but that's about it.
Marry her, not only you'll be legaly allowed to bring her back, your marriage will be used as an example of good relationship between species. You might even become a human ambasador or something.
>dark elf with white hair
I'd make you an ambasador just for having a patrician taste.
>solutions
visit back and forth
send money back
play it by ear
become an adventurer
tell her you want her to meet your parents too for the wedding
Marry her and bring her back with you as a method of cultural exchange.
So did you fuck the wizard or what
>enlisting for any reason other than paid military academy
I got into thaumatological engineering, now I produce barriers, wards, and shields. My buddy builds and maintains golems
I'm vital, off the front line and can go pretty much anywhere.
I don't remember shit.
For a few hours, it feels like I can do anything. Then I come down. Hard.
I spend most of the day wasted. If I'm not wasted, I'm sleeping. If I'm not sleeping, I'm on the computer, and if I'm not at computer, I'm at my LGS. Our folks are finally getting along. Do NOT put me in front of a crowd, I will get them riled.
>Be Orc.
>Orc name Thoc. Thoc brave. Thoc strong. Thoc smart for orc.
>Thoc also fast. Thoc catch pixie. Pixie puny magic not work on Thoc - Thoc too smart, Thoc too brave
>Band of Thoc attack Elfland town.
>Elfland full of Freedomland Oomans.
>ohshit.jpg
>Thoc shake pixie shoot fire at oomans. Pixie happy to help >:)
>Oomans scarper. Leave shiny ooman weapons. Ooman weapon too heavy for puny elf. Not bad for orc.
>attack town.
>puny elf magic not work on Thoc. Too brave, too strong.
>sissy elf arrows no match for Ooman steel.
>wimpy elf knife no match for Axe of Thoc.
>all elf surrender.
>profit.jpg
>take gold. Take shiny. Take stupid elf book.
>orc boyz say now raep?
>elf and she-elf all look same. All elf surrender and obey. All want big orc cock.
>Orc not gayfag!
>Thoc wish never enlisted :(
Point of order thoc, it's not rape if it's an elf
Is it gay?
By default
>King under the Mountain and Runepope declare Holy War on Greenskins who conquered an ancient Dwarfhold 3 mountains over
>JointheCrusadetheysaiditwillbefuntheysaid.muralrelief
>Get my pickaxe, my lumber axe, my battleaxe and my helmet axe and venture forth
>We make a detour for no fucking reason pillaging another dwarfhold where greenskins, dark elves and dwarves lived together peacefully for some time, kill everyone including other dwarves and steal their shit
>Got a pair of boot axes and another pair of glove axes so I'm all good
>Finally reach the hold we're supposed to liberate
>Spend a full year besieging a fucking mountain because Greenskins are smarter than we thought.
>Finally make it inside
>It's a fucking disaster because Greenskins boobytrapped EVERYTHING
>Even the supply crate axes and the latrine axes
>My axe battallion gets cut off from the rest
>Barely succeed in taking the city
>Entrenched now in a double-tripple ruined dwarfhold with infrastructure ruined to all shit and large portions of the city still not save due to traps
>Daily duty involves clearing traps and fighting Greenskin infiltrators
>Haven't gotten supplies from home in 3 months
>My OC is a thicc dwarf qt but she always tells me to fuck off
>Have to fap myself to sleep every night
I should've stayed home and played Axe of Duty. Real war sucks.
>dark elf
Good to see more humans are becoming patricians.
Dark elfs > normal elfs
I don't know why but combination of white hair and dark skin is giving me god tier erections. I'm going to be stationed in a elf citiy where majority of population consists of dark elfs. It's my only chance to find qt virgin dark elf waifu and put a half breed into her womb.