Share your stories of the most retarded role players you've ever met and the shit they did in character

Share your stories of the most retarded role players you've ever met and the shit they did in character.

I'll start:

>new campaign
>everyone rolling up new character
>guy asks me what alignment my character is
>"True neutral"
>"Ah, a guardian of 'The Balance'."
>"Something like that."
>"You know that means if we're ever in a fight and we outnumber them, you'll have to join their side, right?"

He wasn't joking. How do people like this exist?

>using systems with alignment

What did you say to him?

>guardian of the balance
What the shit. What's wrong with 'too impulsive for lawful, too orderly for chaotic, too selfish to be good and too kind to be evil'

True neutral is the only reasonable alignment for a human being

I don't remember exactly but a more polite form of just saying "Yeah whatever." It was the first time I ever met this guy - it was a pick up game at a local gaming store.

That's not what lawful and chaotic mean, for one.

Except that's what it does mean.

Chaotic doesn't mean that you're spiritually aligned with the forces of chaos- it means that you're reckless and don't give a shit about what the law or what common rules of society means.

Lawful means that you obey and adhere to some kind of code- be it the law itself, a personal code, a paladin's oath, etc.

Is it possible that he may have been making a joke? I know Veeky Forums doesn't exactly have a great track record with these types of things.

Funnily enough I played with a guy that actually did that. Frustratingly I was the only one at the table that was angry about that, the DM and the players were all "don't rock the boat" people and refused to confront this. I ended up killing him in his sleep which got me an alignment shift but it was worth it.

I had a retarded role play moment but it was due to the DM not explaining things me.

> "The guard hits the light switch, and motions you into the warehouse."
> Okay once I'm in I don't want to attract any undue attention so I'll sneak around
> "What? Your going to sneak in a room lit up by flood lights and the guard watching you from the big glass window?"
> Glass window? Flood lights? Wha?

You are one stupid fucker.

Doesn't FATAL just use d10s for everything?


Let's not start this again.

no u

Seriously though, read the goddamn entry for Law Vs. Chaos in the PHB. Page 104, if you don't want to leaf through. It basically proves you wrong entirely.

The definitions of law and chaos have changed between editions and are often open-ended. Your views are going to be shaped by the edition with which you're most familiar. Arguments about the "one true meaning" of alignments just makes everyone involved look dumb and self-important. Don't fall into this trap again, I beg of you.

>cites 3e
Jesus christ.

>The definition of Law and Chaos:
Debating the definitions of Alignments.

>party pursues a criminal into a swamp
>party comes upon a lonely cottage in the middle of the swamp.
>outside the cottage is a lovely white picket fence and vegetable garden
>inside the cottage are three hags, a criminal-sized cauldron and the criminal the party is looking for
>half the party goes inside to negotiate with the hags and the other half stays outside as back up
>negotiations are going okay, the hags want a token of innocence and the paladin is trying to find a way to get them that without kidnapping a child
>one of the outside guys 'I pull up a vegetable and throw it through the window'


>Hm, should I call the cops on this rape I'm witnessing? Maybe... but then again, there's been a very long reign of goodness and order here, perhaps it's time for some rape.
>Let's ponder...

There is nothing wrong with alignment as originally conceived.

Depends on the edition/DM/setting. True neutral can just mean "neutral on both the good/evil and the law/chaos axis."

Which means if you saw a rape you'd probably report it if it wouldn't inconvenience you too badly.

My favorite TN is "tied to concerns that are not inherently good, evil, lawful, or chaotic." Like "I'd do anything, ANYTHING to protect my family."

That's why they are shit and should be avoided like the plague. Nothing useful comes from alignments

>implying the original intent have anything to do with the shitfest aligment is today
>implying alignment was something good to begin with

Yes, there's nothing wrong with how Morcock wrote the conflicts of law and chaos.

There's everything wrong with how Gygax interpreted those stories into gameplay mechanics.

>implying alignment was something good to begin with
I like the "it literally just means whether you're allied with the forces of Law, those of Chaos, or neither" interpretation.

Forcing it makes it a mediocre design choice at best.

Alignments just act as guides for you to roleplay and shouldn't really impact anything. Any DM trying to do otherwise is just a shitty storyteller.

Sure. I ignore it in 99% of settings. I think it really works well if it's set up right in the setting, though.

More like:
>There is someone being raped. I do not condone such actions and normally would act against them. But there are 10 rapists and they are armed, also we just so happen to be in their territory. I value my own life above the victim so sadly I'm going to walk away and pretend I don't see anything. I silently pray for the victim.

Unfortunately, a lot of previous editions of D&D have written in alignment as having effects on the rule mechanics, rather than just being a roleplay descriptor.

True, but how important it plays in the story depends on the DM. Other than giving a vague personality description it really just makes you the target of some spells, which in my opinion is alright.
At least that is how my group plays it (we only play 3.5e and most often neutral/low-evil group). A character losing his class (becoming ex-something) should only happen if the character does something extreme (like a Paladin going all "lel kill all the orphans cuz I no like 'em" not because the Paladin didn't give a beggar some coins.

Short answer: No

Long answer
It uses a d10 curve (if I remember it's 3d10) for the core resolution mechanic (having one of these makes it instantly better than a number of other games) but uses a variety of dice for determining damage (functioning mostly like DnD except characters have HP for each major body part).
The game's fame comes from its charts, which use a variety of crazy dice, includung a 1d1000000 roll during character creation... that only does anything if you roll a 1, which lets you roll on the entirely uninteresting "freak of nature" chart (eleven fingers? Nice.) Or my favorite, the 1d2000 random magic effects chart that you roll when a spell fails.

The game plays like a heavily houseruled 3rd edition DnD, and is honestly not as bad of a game as people make it out to be.
It's by no strech good, or even half decent, but I'd play it again if I had a group of willing victims.

I'm playing in Faerun. My character literally doesn't care about gud or ebil or baylans and pursues his own goals, which are fuck up the dragon cultists and whoever sides with them in the most painful way possible, get filthy rich in the process by blatantly sucking money out of various factions and organizations that think he's their pawn, and spend the rest of his life in a bitching mansion on a bitching island as a high-profile security advisor.
He gets wasted beyond any recognition on a regular basis, just to test what can punch through his retardedly high celestial resistance, often starts brawls just for fun, fucks whores and abuses his divine STD immunity.
He makes sure people he kills are armed, awake, and are facing him. Unless they are dragon cultists, in which case he prefers being efficient to being honorable.
He always offers a chance to surrender. Only twice, though.
He makes fun of his beta bitch boy wizard companion and humiliates him in front of the wizard's """""girlfriend""""" AND parents. OOC too.
And the cleric.
And the sorcerer.
And even the dwarf pugilist.
He won't let
He gives whatever he can't carry and doesn't need, which is literally everything other than his immediate gear and some money, to charity.
He doesn't trust churches.
He follows his oath (which is "fuck up dragon cultists and fix whatever shit they cause") to the letter. Other than that, he does what he thinks is right without regard for anyrhing, including local laws and his well-being.
The "right thing" includes assassinating and creating sleeper cells, lying through his teeth and bribing the authorities to enlist their help, staging revolutions, manipulating evidence, organizing prison breaks and spiking a whole city's water suplly with drugs.

If you tell me that isn't Lawful Good I'll bash your fucking skull in.

You are autism defined.

I skimmed through the rulebook once upon a time. What I do remember is that it is exactly as bad as people make it out to be.

Seems more like Neutral Good

Image should tell all you need to know.

>Unfortunately, a lot of previous editions of D&D have written in alignment as having effects on the rule mechanics,

Because it's not some vague 'guideline'. There are rules and mechanics. And it's not unfortunate. It's necessary.

the solution to the debate on alignments, isn't free-form free for all's.........

It's going back to 2nd edition's take on them.

There are class restrictions involving them. Pally's are lawful good, this dictates a certain type of behavior. Don't want to follow those dictates? then you're not cut out for a pally. Play something else that fits you better.

Taking out class/level/racial restrictions made the game more clunky and leads to more nonsense.

tldr: Alignments are a good thing.

Seems chaotic neutral.

That's not the actions of a 'good' pc.

A hundred times this.
Alignment is just a guideline for how you character generally is. He can at any time deviate from this and behave differently.

This is how CNs are supposed to be played.

>In 7th grade
>Playing 3rd edition
>Retarded kid who would grow up to be a communist stoner is playing with us
>He either wants to kill everything in sight or have sex with everything in sight
>Rapes my other friend in character
>One time he had a three-way with the queen
>I couldn't stop it but he was retarded
>Always argued about the rules
>At one point he wanted to buy a house
>I pointed out that was retarded because we were playing as nomads
>Basically he thought the game was like oblivion on paper
>He even said quote "Dude, I can do what I want. It's and open world RPG."
>Basically at most we only got one quest done per two session.

OR we can just chuck the nonsense entirely and play actual characters instead of trying to shove them into little boxes and get mad when what one person thinks that little box means and another person thinks that little box means aren't 100% the same thing.

>At one point he wanted to buy a house
>I pointed out that was retarded because we were playing as nomads
Nomads did use, horses a lot horses in fact.

Yes, but not in the way you mean.

Chaotic shouldn't mean Chaotic, it should mean Improvisational.


You might want to learn how to read there, pal.

>doing a dungeon
>get to boss
>is a little girl
>she wants to play a game
>is D&D
>play D&D within D&D
>it's just Final Fantasy 1 in Pen and Paper format
>about to beat it
>the fighter stabs the kid
>she ded
>don't finish mini D&D quest
>can't finish dungeon
>world is fucked because finishing the dungeon would've allowed us to prevent the apocalypse pretty easily
>he justifies it by saying it's what his character would do because he hates sorcerers
>kid didn't even do magic ever
>there was never any sign of this character trait earlier in the campaign

That's more shitty GMing, than just a shitty player.

That is not lawful good.
Neutral at best.

The girl did mention that not playing the game would make things a lot more difficult for us.

That's not what I mean.

The players control their characters, sure, and it's a shitty GM that tries to take away player agency but outright telling them they can't do something. But the GM also controls time. He can slice it as finely as he wants to.

As soon as the fighter says he attacks the kid, the GM could have said "You see the super edgy fighter sigh, roll his eyes, and reach for his sword", and give everyone else a chance to react and stop him.

Fuck off
Removing racial and alignment restrictions made the game smoother.

I find really funny that the "mother" is entering the room with some snacks from the kitchen, but they are playing already in the kitchen. Dem inconsistence...

I see your point.
It's still frustrating as fuck.

> get trapped in a pocket plane by evil magic user
> evil magician lures people in and tortures them to death, sets them against each other etc.
> think the murder house quest in oblivion
> hes had some people (inc. children) trapped there for years
> we defeat him and he surrenders, says he will let us out if we promise not to kill him
> PALADIN says yeah thats fine, we will let you go and you can 'continue doing whatever it is you do here'
> magician gets him (and rest of party) to say it again in zone of truth
> magician doesnt realise that the paladin can still lie (saves)
> paladin still promises to let him go
> magician releases the pocket plane
> rest of the party promptly beats him to death
> paladin tries to defend the magician, inc. attacking other party members

>Had maybe 3-4 sessions, level 2 chars
>A gnome mage has moved into town, gave us a few quests.
>During one quest we find a necromancer pissing himself inside the gnomes family tomb.
>Take him with us.
>Contradicting stories.
>Confront mage, my throat-singing half-orc bard kicks down the door.
>Starting to figure something out.
>Dwarf rogue gets triggered at something, crossbow bolts the fucker between the eyes.
>He conjured up some fake elementals and fled.
>We tracked him with our dog for a week only to lose him at a port.

Played a few more times, but then the campaign died down.

>all-girl party
>none of them obese or acne-encrusted
I'd rather believe that people play FATAL outside of North Korean prison camps.

They're just drawn that way.

>I played with a guy that actually did that.
>I ended up killing him in his sleep which got me an alignment shift but it was worth it.
the way you went seamlessly from talking about the guy you played with to killing his character without actually mentioning the character makes it sound like you actually killed the player, and now I'm picturing a lunatic rocking back and forth in a padded cell muttering "I took an alignment shift but it was worth it"

>is asked a question
>answers question well
>omg autism

Fuck off you dumbcunt.

Say what you will about Pathfinder attracting filthy casuals, but young people entering the hobby are becoming shockingly normal.

>Be at a convention
>Playing at a table with some high school boys
>Out of nowhere a squad of perky, healthy looking teen girls rushes the table
"OMG! Chris! Joey! Hows your con?! Are you coming to our Vampire LARP tonight?!"
>Boys are focused on finding optimal flanking positions for their figs
"Yeah yeah, we'll text you later."
>My face

It wasn't the length of the response, it was the contents. I know that's hard for a autist like you to understand.

I mean, the delivery was dumb but i dont think he was wrong.

> paladin tries to defend the magician, inc. attacking other party members
W-wait....WHAT? Here i was thinking it'd be about the paladin lying like a mofo (which i dont mind them doing.) but here you go with the dude outright defending him? Why? How did that player justify this???

Sounds chaotic neutral to me

Not everyone's group has disgusting nerds in it user

>Trying out that (in hindsight, horrible) Wheel of Time 3.X clone
>Have a decent campaign going on, in spite of the shit system.
>New guy joins the group.
>Wants to play a Wolfbrother, a rare type of person who can tap into a wolf group mind thing that exists in setting.
>All right, seems okay, nothing brilliant, but okay.
>As the campaign had been going on for a while, trying to get him integrated in with the rest of the party.
>At the moment, they're in this little town near a big mage's organization, and I decide to have the local guards hassle a group of !not-gypsies, and let the players get involved if they wish; at the very least, it would let this new guy bounce off the PCs.
>Wolf-dude gets there first.
>Instead of trying to talk with the guards, or anything, he heads over to their leader and tries to bite the guy's neck out. Simultaneously shouts for the nearby populace to rise up against the evil guards
>Other party, not knowing this guy in character, decide to do nothing. Townsfolk have similar reactions, not wanting to attack their own police/army on the basis of a crazy yellow-eyed guy who bites people.
>Guards quickly subdue the crazy wolf dude.
>Note that he has yellow eyes, wrongly, but not unreasonably think that there's something wrong with him, and decide to take him away to the nearby mage tower for magical healing.
>Was trying to loop them in to lassoing the PCs into doing it.
>Meanwhile, wolf-dude manages to surreptitiously slip his bonds, and then tries to pickpocket the guard leader for his knife, and fatally stabs one of the guards.
>They turn around and chop him to pieces.
>Idiot bitches at me for not giving him a "badass" introduction.

The worst part is that in books, these wolfbrothers try to keep a low profile, and I'm sure he's read the books, nobody plays that game without being a WoT fan.

And this would be the mistake that made user stop posting forever

>During one of my "dry spells"
>I couldn't find anyone to play any tabletop RPGs with, so I literally had to play with some of the worst dudes ever
>One guy in particular was cringeworthy af
Don't get me wrong. I like neckbeards and grognards. They are my people. I identify with them. But this guy was something else.
>Was a juggalo. Listened to "twisted" and "underground" music exclusively. You were "a homo" if you listened to anything else
>Only played edgelord characters in-game and may have been literally been autistic, because he couldn't tone it down at all
>Whenever we would have any sort of encounter, he would "roll a d6 to determine whether he would go crazy"
>Did self imposed shit like this all the time, just to draw attention to himself
>Whenever a fight was over, he couldn't just leave it. He always had to describe doing shit to dead bodies and performing borderline necrophilia.

That was years ago. Last time I heard about him, he was barefoot in winter, huffing paint behind Taco Bell.

>too impulsive for lawful, too orderly for chaotic, too selfish to be good and too kind to be evil'
Literally me

I hate anyone who plays a kleptomaniac rogue the basically tries to steal anything not nailed down. Even from other party members.

>his house doesn't have minimum three kitchens

the fuck

Literally 95% of humanity.

Is it worth it to attempt to get a copy of F.A.T.A.L.'s rulebook for lulz and vile fascination?

No. Reading/playing it quickly ends up as fun as bashing your fingers with a hammer.

what did he mean by this?

At least is not Racial Holy War.

>playing Dark Heresy
>we finally find the cavern a chaos cult was hiding in
>they pay us no mind because of some great bluff rolls
>5 v 30 battle begins
>3 of us die, 2 escaped very maimed, game's fucked

>playing 40k with 40k players
top tet

You're describing a lawful good coward. True neutral is more like
>There's a girl being raped by sandniggers. I do not condone such actions, but then again, a girl turned me down yesterday for a sandnigger. So I say, let them bitches get what they deserve

>Fire giants

>"I cast fireball!"

>Member of the party is sneaking ahead through a valley.
>Sees some robots in the valley wall, rigged to activate if someone passes by and makes sound.
>Quietly signals to the rest of the party to slow down and be quiet
>Player at the back of the party, despite understanding the signal, and having been warned that the valley is trapped, decides to respond very loudly with "YEAH NO SHIT!"

I keep all my snacks in the garage fridge. It's not that odd; I do all my meal prep out there because the fridge is right next to the counter and there's a TV on the wall I can watch WLIIA while prepping.

No, its like.
>There's a girl being rape. I don't gonna save her by myself. I call police. Because you never know that this is not a LARP and if you kick that rapist you can go to jail, but if you dont call cops you gonna blame yourself for not helping.

Most retarded in a bad or in a funny way?

Why not both?

Share both kinds of stories!

I use alignments for the smite-opposite abilities (extra damage if the opponent has opposite alignment to you, even more if its doubly so, like lawful evil to chaotic good and vice-versa)

Even when the haracter hates doing it, wishes they could stop, and always gives the stolen thing back unasked with a heartfelt apology or leaves it where it can be very easily found?

sorry for my eng
>DnD 3.5 1st lvl adventure, almost 1st or 2nd our game in life
>Spoopy house, every closed door open another random room
>paladin tired of exploring the unknown and run through the hallway
>Door close behind Pal, party open door there is nothing but darkness
>Pal sees weird looking crazy old man, who gibberish nonsense
>Pal have like 7 diplomacy
>Throw his oil lamp at old man and run to hit him with his sword
>Old man kick his butt because he is 3lvl monk
>Pal run away and lost in some rooms
>But he cant find nothing because he lost his source of light
>And then angry monk find and almost kill the rest of us

But... The content was just the answer to a question

Oh this sounds like a much more interesting thread. This man honestly and fully believes he lives in a DnD game, though in a very weird setting. Discuss.

In a bad way is not a fun or very interesting story:
>new player to rpgs
>as a master figure out I should just ask him what he wants to play and I'll make the character sheet for him
Sounds fucking easy, huh? By the end I wanted to kill myself
>system is Dungeons the dragoning
>this is bad because there a fuckton of options for character creation
>pass him a list of playable races
>for every time he said "I don't know" i would have been given a yuro I would be a millionaire
>took 3 hours to set on a drow
>ask him what does he want to do, as in be shooty, choppy, sneaky, etc.
>billionaire by this point
>after one hour he says he wants to play a dark angel that flies and really weird shit that I cant understand
>"okay maybe we should go for the exaltation first"
>pass him a list of the exaltations with a brief description of what each of them do
>"oh, interesting?"
>"which one?"
>"its cool that I have all these powers"
>he thinks his character would have all the exaltation powers at the same time
I quit

Upcoming the funny retard

The funny retard is more likely a ghost that possesses my players at random intervals and produces in them the syndrome of what I call "PC retardation":
>breaking into a drug lab
>on good terms with the guys working there, there was no reason to fight
>drug boss appears
>"who the fuck are these
>"(sigh)roll initiative..."

>"you are at lake and you see a unicorn, what do you do?"
>two hundred attempts of approaching the unicorn, all of them ended in "the unicorn impales you with its horn"
>"I know! The unicorn can't impale things with holes and we gotta be resistant to piercing, so we just have to become fakir made of gruyere cheese and levitate towards the unicorn"

>"as a barbarian is drawing my weapon a free action?"
>"I sheathe and unsheathe my axe 378 times in front of the orc!"

>dark heresy campaign
>medieval world composed of a dozen tribes
>"you gotta prevent the spread of a khorne cult"
>nah fuck that
>a player decided that the best thing to do would be to visit each tribe and insult them to provoke a war because all people dead=nobody there to commit heresy
>"your swords are so soft that your women use them to please their assholes"
>"I came from the neighbor village to tell you that when we come to kill and burn your tribe we are going to rape your cattle because the cows certainly look more attractive than your women"
>1.5 hendersons
>that player was me

What if I want to play a paladin of a neutral god?

>>"I came from the neighbor village to tell you that when we come to kill and burn your tribe we are going to rape your cattle because the cows certainly look more attractive than your women"

Holy shit I have to remember this insult for my own games