> h-hello?
> This is 1-800-ADVENTURE, how may I direct your call?
> W-well, we're at a locked stone door in a dungeon, with no visible means of access
> Alright, it sounds like you need our 'Spelunking' team, I'll transfer you, please hold...
> "Have you considered our yearly subscription plan? 1500 Gold, and you get priority call queuing, ten free extra-planar calls per month, and access to our VIP helpdesk, which provides in-combat help for Legendary Monsters, with free Time Stop so our experts have an adequate chance to assist you!"
> Hello, this is Tim-Tom, Spelunking team.
> Tim...Tom?
> Mother liked both names, sir, and couldn't decide. How can I help you?
> Well, my team and I are at a stone door, far underground, with no means of access
> I see sir, I see, quite a common problem. What do you have with you? Any keys? Explosives, perhaps? Any magic-users in your group?
> No sir
> Nobody strong enough to smash the door down, or move it aside?
> No sir
> I see, this could potentially be a magically-sealed doorway. If that's the case, I need to transfer you to our 'Magic and Ethereal' team. Are there any runes on the door?
> Yes, there are. They look...sort of ancient? Not quite Dwarvish?
> Excellent sir. I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll transfer you to our Magic and Ethereal team, and they should be able to get that door open for you in a jiffy!
> Thank you Tim-Tom
> No a problem, sir! Please hold...
Hello, this is 1-800-adventure, how may we help?
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>Hello, this is the SWAT help line, here at Special Wizards and Tactics, we are always here to aid you
>Please be advised that all calls are scribed and may be used as training for our staff
>"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THERE'S A FUCKING DRAGON IN HERE!! IT"S SEALED THE CAVE OFF AND WE CAN'T GET AWAY!"
>Very good sir, can you tell me what type of dragon?
>BIG! IT'S BIG, AND RED
>Ok, so we have a red dragon, and a sealed off cave, I can help you with that, one second while I check something
>Ok sir, our records show that you're in the Lower Pannten Mountain region? Is that correct?
>YES, OMG PLEASE HURRY! HOW DO WE KILL THIS THING?
>please be patient sir, do you want quick answers, or correct ones? ha ha ha, just a little joke here in the office. Now, You said a Blue dragon? We have no records of any Blue dragons in that region sir.
>I SAID RED!!! REDD!!!!!!!!!!FUCK ME IT'S BREATHING FIRE AGAIN!!
>Oh, I see. hahaha, well now that that's cleared up, we can help. There shouldn't be any blue dragons there, hahaha. Ok, Now you wish to kill the dragon? Or flee from it? Sir?
>Sir?
>Hello sir?
> stealing my elaborately thought out call centre bit
reee etc
>stealing
that's not how you spell "honoring", user.
>he doesn't realize Veeky Forums is a gestalt hivemind
...
>Welcome to the Equipment for Professionals Helpline, how may I assist you today?
>"um...i bought this rope from you guys a couple months ago, and you assured me that it would support up to 600 lbs of weight"
>Yes sir, our rope selection is a thing of pride for us
>"Well, we were trying to lower someone down into a pit, and the rope broke, we don't know if he's dead or alive down there in the dark!"
>Oh, I'm sorry to hear that sir, would you like to bring the remaining rope in, and exchange it for one of equal value? We can give you a store credit.
Bullshit, the technician should have spent at least fifteen minutes arguing about the weight of the person being lowered.
>Thank you for calling Moldorfs Scrolls, how may I assist you today
>"We bought your remove curse scroll when we passed through town last week"
>One moment sir, do you have a receipt? Can you read me the 4 symbols on the bottom?
>"oh, um, sure. It's Disjunction, Resist, Remove, and Purify"
>Very good sir, now, what's the problem I can help you with today?
>"Well, when we bought it, we were told it would remove ANY curse from any item. But we used it on the stone slab covering the sarcophagus, it glowed blue for a moment, and then Jolf tried to open it, and was turned into a sheep!"
>Oh, I'm very sorry for that sir, I assume that the sarcophagus had a polymorph trap laid on it. Please be aware that that specific scroll will not remove a polymorph trap.
>"Now hold on, we were told that it WOULD remove ANY curse or trap"
>I'm very sorry sir, do you have the name of the sales rep who told you that?
>"No, there was only one guy in the shop, I didn't catch his name"
>Well, our policy is to never claim a scroll will remove a curse/trap that it won't. So if one of our employees told you that, we're very sorry.
>"Sorry? Jolf is a fucking sheep! That's our healer, we can't go on now!"
>I'm so sorry sir, i assure you that we will investigate this matter, and respond to you by the new moon.
>Is there any other issues I can help you with today?
Adventurers are resting at the campfire after a hard day's adventuring.
>Crystal ball vibrates
>"Hello, is this Mr. Layingbeard?"
>"What? No, it's Lyonbeard"
>"Thank you sir, when you were last in town, you stayed at one of our luxurious Inns, and you've been randomly chosen to receive a special gift package!"
>"What, I've not been to town in over a year!"
>"Oh, well that must have been an error, but no matter! You're still the lucky winner of our special package!"
>"so what did I win?"
>"Yes sir, you won a special package that very few have ever won before. This is a package that is valued at over 400 Gold!, and today, it can be yours if you pay the tax on it, for only 33 gold. This is a really great package sir"
>'wait, I have to PAY for this thing I won?"
>"No no no sir, you PAY nothing!, you simply must cover the TAX cost on this 100% FREE gift!"
>the lookout shouts "Heads up everyone! Gnolls coming in fast!"
>"look fuck you package, i got gnolls to fight!"
>"Please sir, if you can give me one moment to explain the value of this gift!"
>screams in the background
>"Sir? Are you there sir?"
> "grrrr growl chomp"
>"Oh hello mr. gnoll, our records show that YOU have been randomly chosen to receive a special...........