Stories

Stories thread, I'll start

>GMing a game in UESRPG 2e (Elder Scrolls system that takes a lot from Runequest and Dark Heresy)
>Party has come into the possession of a bag filled with scrotums that they stole from some goblins
>Party wizard is the only one who wants to keep them, saying that they could come in handy
>They're starting to smell
>The players keep looking around while travelling so I roll on a table for interesting rocks to keep combat encounters low
>They keep finding rocks with strange but ultimately useless enchantments
>They decide they need to eventually seek out whatever wizard is going around the forest enchanting rocks
>Rolling for a nighttime encounter
>MFW it's a wizard
>The bard sees a robed man prancing through the forest, casting magic spells on rocks
>The party wizard befriends him and prevents the rest of the party from killing him
>A session earlier the wizard got banished from a town for trying to throw one of his scrotums at a barkeep, running away to resist arrest, and trying to prostitute himself to a guard
>He has a plan to get back in
>The party is passing the town to get to their destination anyway
>Since the rest of the party isn't banished, they go to sleep at the inn in town
>The wizard and his new friend formulate a plan
>The rock enchanter will strip nude, lube himself up, and run around the guards to distract them
>The guy fucking enchants rocks in the forest as his main pastime, so I decide he's willing
>After the rock enchanter throws off his cloak the wizard discovers various objects shaped like male genitalia and a copious amount of skooma (Elder Scrolls crack) in his pockets
>He takes some of the crack
>With the guards distracted, the wizard uses a leap spell and a feather fall spell to jump over the goddamn walls into the town
>They're palisades so I let him do it
>He is promptly found by guards
>He jumps away and hides in a barrel

The story is just a couple lines over the limit so more in a reply

>In the morning the rest of the party finds the barrel and rolls the wizard out of town
>After leaving, the rock enchanter turns to them
I'm afraid I must leave you now
>He reveals his true form, that of Sanguine, the daedric prince of debauchery
>Then he disappears
>He still appears occasionally to impersonate people and generally fuck with the party

Great story, but wtf defines aggravated arson?

This is beautiful user ty for sharing

You misspelled Slaanesh. :)

aggravated arson = people inside when you set the place on fire
arson = the place was empty of people

Basically it is attempted murder via fire and carries a much stiffer sentence

Here's a stupid story from the last time my group and I got together for me to run a game.

>Waiting for everyone to show up
>Have one player who's joining us over Skype, because no one wants to do the 6 hour trip to go get him. We'll call him M.
>M and I are discussing what we're expecting from that day's game when I get a message from the initial three people that they're here.
>These other players are K, D, and V.
>Let everyone in, no one seems to question the microphone sitting out roughly in the middle of the room.
>M doesn't have a camera and I have Skype minimized, so my screen is just showing the world map we'll be using for the game
>M stays quiet while everyone chats for a bit, and then makes a small noise.
>"user what was that?" asks K
>figure I'll fuck with them a little, they know me well enough to know when I'm dicking around.
>so I thought
>"Oh that? That's just a voice bot I downloaded. I named it Fuckbot9000."
>M actually replies at this point. "Sup"
>K and D just kinda laugh and say things like "Oh that's pretty cool", etc.
>not V
>V is all in on the Fuckbot9000
>"Oh wow user that's so cool! Does it know your name?"
>assuming V is just playing along at this point, know for sure that M is
>"Fuckbot9000, what is my name?"
>"Your name's Shitcock today ya prick
>cheap laughs, but V keeps asking questions
>figure the joke isn't dead yet and keep answering them, throwing out bullshit about memory files for Fuckbot9000 so that it remembers names and details to keep it "believable"
>slowly start to realize that V isn't playing along and that V genuinely believes me
>can't tell if K or D believe me or not now, since they're mostly focused on rolling up characters real quick
>M pushes the envelope with "so what's everyone playing as?"
>if K and D didn't have doubts before they do now. V is absolutely thrilled/impressed
>Go over everyone's character, fighting to keep it together at this point and keep the world's shittiest ruse going

continued in next post.

>V asks about Fuckbot9000's personality at this point, since M insists on traveling around Europe with his (sometimes good, sometimes not) accents
>throw out some nonsense about how Fuckbot9000 has personality sliders for things like sass and the like, and you can actually set it to use multiple accents
>absolutely no one who spends as much time on a computer as this group does should believe me
>V believes me
>voice is trembling with barely contained laughter at this point, the budget ruse cruise is almost at an end
>V asks Fuckbot9000 if it remembers her character's name and abilities
>M lists them off with added commentary, can actually hear the laugh tremors in his voice at this point too
>V is losing their mind and starts getting all excited about their plans to go download their own Fuckbot9000 to mess around with
>can't contain it anymore, M and I both start power laughing
>K and D also power laughing
>V finally realizes what has happened

And that's the shitty story of how I introduced a new player to my group.

> playing Dark Heresy for the first time
> new to ttrpgs in general
> so is the gm
> so it literally everyone else in the group
> fuck it, we'll give it a shot
> have a ton of fun
> run some mission from the source book
> get to some small locality with a temple of some kind
> fight some bad guys
> help some priest
> investigate some bandit cultist camp
> realise it seems super empty
> some slaves tell us the cultists left not to long ago
> ohno.jpg
> leg it back to the temple
> it's under siege by bandits
> combat engage
> my gf, who's super shy, and is playing a techpriest, largely does nothing, not doing much on her turns
> the rest of the party slowly get whittled down
> bandit boss has an OH YEAAAAAH moment as he smashes through a wall in a big truck
> ohshit.png
> starts handing our asses to us
> we get a few good shots in, but we're going unconscious one by one
> gf's turn
> she looks over her character sheet
> 'what are mech- mechadendrites?'
> gm looks in the book
> "they allow you to interface with machinery and technology"
> gf nods
> claps and rubs her hands
> 'alrighty'
> 'i take the det pack from my backpack and jam it on the front of the truck'
> "Alright"
> 'I get in and use my mechadendrites to hotwire the truck.'
> "Ok, sounds good. Roll Tech Use"
> passes with bonus
> table is looking at her, this being basically the only thing she's done for the whole combat
> 'I jam the accelerator down, stick it in place, aim the truck towards the leader, and bail out just before it hits'
> "O-ok then"
> 'Can I detonate the detpack as I jump free?'
> "Roll...acrobatics, I guess?"
> makes the roll
> the rest of the party - those that are still conscious - watch as this truck with a beeping red detpack on the front goes barrelling towards this huge mutant leader, hits him, and then detonates in a huge fireball
> gm didn't even make her roll damage

sounds like you had fun user.

It was pretty great. We sort of stopped playing after that, for various reasons, but it was a good one-shot, and it got me into TTRPGS

Not my story, but a tale from my actually autistic cousin. It's given me real bases for what actually autistic people do in D&D

>Playing OSR AD&D
>Playing in a high school classroom
>One of Autist's friends is DMing
"The group started off smaller in session 1 with only about 12 people in the class playing. Then the rest joined in on session 2 so maybe 24 total."
>OK
>Everyone is assigned a character sheet based on roll they wanna play with stats and powers
>Just fill in your own
"He worships Yahweh, is lawful good, an elf, and a ranger."
>Everyone is level 1-2
"We were attacked by a black dragon!"
>Dragon acid breaths ranger character
>So many clerics in the game he doesn't die
"The DM said acid got intop my ears and corroded my brain so I had an on the spot alignment change from LG to CE, which is wierd since he still worships Yahweh."
>Session ends with dragon escaping and autist being fucked

cont

>Next day they start another session
>Honestly Don't know what this class is supposed to be for

"Autist Character had a lust for revenge against the dragon that scrambled his brains. So, he takes the party to Hell to find Tiamet and the black dragon."
>level 3-4 now
>in an OSR
>Going to fight Tiamet
me:"Wow! that sounds badass"
Autist: "It was like leading a small army of girls that were attracted to you to their death!"
me:"Girls that were attracted to you?"
A: "Yeah like 10 of the people playing were girls that had a crush on me so they wanted to be clerics to protect me."
me: "Alright! Getting puss on the side! So how'd the fight go?"
A: "They were rather lacking. Anyways..."
>Epic battle takes place on tiamet's prison level of Hell.
>Several dragons of every color fall as do several autist soldiers.
>Eventually Ranger Autist gets a good swing
A: "With a swing of my sword I cut off 3 of Tiamet's heads. The middle three. Then I cute her in half with another swing. Killing her."
>Dm rolls Arbitraury dice.
dm: "The mass amount of dead intrigues the interest of Orcus. He has come to kill you for taking the lives of those he could not"
A: "Autist Character was enraged at Orcus because he thought he was the devil and went in to attack."
>Same as tiamet
>cuts off head
>cuts in half
>Steals orcus's wand
A:"I then raised all the dead with the wand and began my trek out with all my zombie friends and the corpses of Tiamet and Orcus"

>Next day
>Final session

A: "We were leaving hell when we made a friend"
>Ashmodeus appears and is pissed they killed his prized prisoner
>Demands they pay him a tribute of their lives of their part members as compensasion for her death
A: "This was an easy situation for Autist Character to get out of. Being a follower of Yahweh, he knew how to get on the Devil's good side."
me: "It's not easy for a level 5 to convince an almost god to do anything. What did Autist character do?"
A: "Well, he looked Ashmodeus in the eye..."
me: "Okay..."
A: "Gave him the finger...."
me: "That's not safe..."
A: "Dropped his pants..."
me: "???"
A: "And started raping everything!" *Autistic laughter!*
A: "The teacher walked in at that time and just sorta ignored it. Autist character spared no one. He raped other PCs, Tiamet, Orcus, Some succubi, didn't consider incubi because thats against Yahweh. This made the DM laugh so hard he just said Ashmodeus lets you leave with your lives."
>Campaign ends because they weren't allowed to play D&D anymore or something (I didn't ask)

He never killed that Black dragon

>"The DM said acid got intop my ears and corroded my brain so I had an on the spot alignment change from LG to CE, which is wierd since he still worships Yahweh."

In any other situation I'd say that's a bad DM, but...did you have fun with all the ridiculous shit going on? If so, I think the DM did his job, even if he was doing it in a very unorthodox way.

I did not play in this. This was my cousin's tale that I'm repeating. He obviously had fun and was inspired to write his own setting, and seeing that he's actually autistic, has made maps with detailed villages and and cities. He has a campaign set out and everything based off of a hybrid of Celtic and Norse mythology.

This is pasta u fag.

I literally just typed this shit out and heard the story from my neet autistic cousin yesterday.

That sounds pretty awesome t b h. Though my main worry would be that anyone who derails the campaign would incur the wrath of the autist.

From the description of his campaign it was going to be a railroad. Which is a shame because the realm seemed rather developed as OSR modules usually are.

>Players would start here
>Then go here
>Get this
>Go here
>get super power things
>???
>Kill loki or thor depending on alignment

Yeah, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. I mean, I'll take the obvious plot hooks because I'm interested in the overall story. But I know some people aren't, so if one of those people joined I see disaster.

Any chance you could convince him to share this material with us? Less autistic people could possibly make it awesome.

>Running Pathfinder Game
>Party is Conan the Gnome Librarian, Elf Bard, two Catfolk Rogues, Tiefling Cleric of Homebrew CE Diety, and Tengu Artificer
>Party is quested to disguise themselves as a merchant caravan to draw a group of Kobold Raiders
>Three kobolds are captured for interrogation, one sells out the other two, gives up location of kobold base and dragon leader
>Kobold kept on as minion of the Cleric, party goes to the kobold base
>Conan the Librarian skins a kobold and wears the skin like a suit. Somehow makes the bluff check to just waltz into camp
>Kobolds worship same Deity as Cleric, so Cleric leads Bard in while both Rogues sneak around and Artificer starts carefully aiming a fireball device
>Dragon and Cleric strike up conversation, information re: Plot is introduced
>Conan the Librarian walks into the Dragon Den. One Rogue jumps in and starts making out with the Bard to provide a distraction
>It fucking works
>Barbarian sneaks up behind Dragon, lines up a called shot to the ass. Critical hit, Surprise attack
>Barbarian gets first on initiative, crits again
>Dragon has been reduced to 1 hp and now has a prolapsed anus
>Cleric starts interrogations, gets more information. Bard spots Dragon's hoard of various containers of booze
>Dragon put out of his misery, entire body broken down for materials and all booze is confiscated
>From outside they all hear the sound of a firey explosion and multiple Kobolds getting incinerated
>Barbarian player declares the group shall now be known as "The Dragon Proctologists"
>End first session

It's all hand written and squirrelled away. I offered to translate it to a digital platform, but alas I failed. There's not NEAR enough substance for a long campaign (yet), but it would be perfect for 1 shots.

>"The DM said acid got intop my ears and corroded my brain so I had an on the spot alignment change from LG to CE, which is wierd since he still worships Yahweh."
Have you read the Old Testament?

>Second session opens with Bard putting on a rock concert with her band, Murderous Sex Kittens
>Sell off dragon parts for money, get less than they should because I am not breaking the campaign this fucking early
>Plot points them across the sea, local ruler charters than an airship cruise with first class accomodations
>In the middle of the cruise, Goblin Sky pirates attack. Airship has three mounted ballistae for defense, pirates are launching their boarding party over with catapults and hang gliders
>Artificer and Bard hatch a plan
>Artificer wants to use his engineering know-how to launch the Bard and Barbarian on a bolt over to the enemy ship
>I believe in the rule of cool and warn them the checks to do this will be high
>They make them, Bard and Barbarian bail from the bolt to land on the ship as the bolt goes right through the Pirates' first mate, killing them instantly
>Bard uses Hairpin of Greater Disguise plus Bardic Knowledge to assume the form of a Goblin Demigoddess
>Goblins fall for it, now worship her
>Pirate Captain appears, is a dragon in disguise
>Bard makes rallying cry, Goblins turn on their captain as Barbairan joins the fray
>Others make quick work of the boarding party, Artificer decides to fire a ballista at the dragon
>One Rogue hops on the bolt, checks passed, bolt goes flying
>Rogue bails in time to land on the ship. Dragon gets speared in the ass, is reduced to 1 hp
>herewegoagain.webm
>Interrogations begin, Pirates have plot connection after all, plot hooks are dangled
>Party declares they now run this airship and are all in agreement they really ARE "The Dragon Proctologists"
>End second session

Well I'll be...

It starts with the worst of the Pathfinder red flags - circus menagerie parties of special snowflake races - and goes downhill from here, with gutter humor and lolrandom shenanigans.

I hope at least you're into that kind of stuff. I'd hate this group and this game.

>Last session
>I'm a bit of a Forever DM but I don't mind
>DMing a contingency game for two of my friends for when the rest of the group can't make it (happens frustratingly often)
>Friends are playing inventor and cat burglar
>God of Heroes has them on a quest to eliminate an episodic villain
>His crime is listed as "multiple attempts to overthrow a rightful government"
>Party ventures through a vast desert to find the next town he's planning on hitting
>Both of them nearly die on the way there (inventor from dehydration, cat burglar from being squishy as fuck and fighting cronies from villain)
>On the cronies' corpses they find a map of the town
>Has a bunch of red x's in various locations
>They reach the town, about a mile out they park their wagon
>Apparently, I gave them PTSD from the main bad guy from our main game (he's all about illusion and he's frequently trying to turn the party against each other/making deadly ambushes from innocent things)
>Motherfuckers spend three days in game scouting out the town, making sure that there aren't any signs of ambush, entry points made by villain, town actually being evil, and a plethora of other bullshit I never would've thought to do
>Meanwhile, I keep rolling dice behind my screen seeing when shit's gonna hit the fan
>Day three
>They finally decide they'll make their presence known to the town
>Talk to head honcho, tell him they think the town is next in line, tell him about map
>He tells them to bring the map to him
>They left it at their wagon which they left a mile away
>Dice finally decide it's going to happen
>They're at their wagon with two guards when they hear an explosion
>They thought the x's were points of entry, but they were bombs
>Mfw the city is under siege by an anarchist terror unit
>Mfw they find the villain and he kicks the shit out of them because they aren't prepared
>Mfw they're in the villain's prison camp now
>Mfw I thought they were gonna go right in and stop the baddies' plans early
Oops

>not enough for a long campaign
Veeky Forums will surprise you mate. Seriously, try harder. I can see great things coming of this.

I have, which is why it's so funny.

While I personally prefer the "rule of cool" I do question the competence of this GM. It sounds like either too easy rolls or a lot of nat 20's.

Eh, I'd say that is a golden opportunity for excellent roleplay.

Well, we're all laughing and enjoying ourselves, but I don't blame you for not being into this sort of game. To each their own.

It's more a case of optimized characters and the fact that yes, I am not the best DM in the world, but dammit I'm trying, and everyone appears to be having fun. THat said, I'm definitely learning lessons from this campaign. The two big ones are 1: I am not running PF ever again, and 2: Set a hard limit on the party size next time.

Sounds shit mate.

My autistic friend is also really into Norse mythology... maybe it's a autism thing? Like Sonic or the ponies that must not be named. He also has the fucking common sense to know you don't go on a rapefest in a school D&D session. He also know, you don't rape the PCs of girls you like. To put this in perspective I'm talking about a guy who chews on his own toenails.

Good guy though he has anger issues. Once beat the shit out a guy for raping a female friend of his in real life. In a game he would probably of rolled to gut your friend from crotch to sternum since he always plays barbarian/paladin types.

>Playing thief.
>Party hired to sneak into a high-society party and await further instruction.
>Chill kinda bored at the party so I use some power I stole from a wizard earlier in the game.
>Didn't know what it was.
>Spike all the drinks with as much as I can.
>GM says some noble lady is checking me out at the large drinking fountain.
>Pour the rest of the power in behind her.
>She doesn't notice and takes a drink.
>GM starts rolling, laughs his ass off.
>Spontaneous orgy.
>Power was an aphrodisiac.
>GM tells me to roll.
>Roll a 5.
>GM goes silent.
>Proceeds to just tell me I just got raped by the noble lady.
>Warrior taps me on the shoulder.
>I fucking told you to test it before using it.