That Guy's Mary Sue

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That can't be right.

I didn't write this backstory.
Like I said if it sounds like garbage, that's That Guy's fault--he's 20.

im 19 faggot

There are 7 posters, one of you is lying.

The 19 guy is That Guy himself. He browses Veeky Forums, so it probably wasn't a good idea to put any recognizable details in here, but oh well.

Well this kind of an awful mess. Leaving aside the absurdly improbable situations throughout, it's just not well written.
Take the opening sentence:
> Ezri Fontain Originally grew up for the first few years of her life in an outer town in England, she grew up in a loving family ( still having its quarks mind you) that was for the most part sheltered from the world.
What does 'outer town' mean? A town just outside a city? A semi-rural town? A tiny rural hamlet? Who knows? Not I.
The loving family is fine and good but why are they noted as having 'quarks'. Were they perhaps big fans of the Ratchet and Clank character Captain Quark? Or in the more likely case of the writer just not proof reading, why do we need to know that the family has quirks? All human beings have quirks of personality and behaviour, this is utterly superficial information.

Good going, friendo. Well, at least you know where you both stand now.

Next this hot mess
> On their route though town their car was hit, it was an armored truck being chased, the truck slowed down enough as it hit us so that we could see their faces and know who they were, Ezri was thrown into the floor of the car. Knowing that someone had seen them a man got off the truck and walked up to the car, without saying a word or hearing any of her families pleas, the man shot both of her parents in the head. The man couldn’t see the child but she could see him.
Awkwardly phrased but I'll forgive that. I will not forgive the illogicality. How on earth did anyone a look at anyone's face during a vehicle collision? Sudden impacts at speed are not conducive to facial examination. Should have been written to the turn off 'In the aftermath of the crass Ezri's parents could only stare in shock at the man/men behind the wheel of the van.' Would have been believable then. Next some unanswered questions:
How would these English tourists know who an American criminal is after having seen them once?
How did Ezri get thrown to the floor of the car? English people use seat-belts you know.
Why did the parents immediately begin begging and pleading?
How did the man fail to see the small child on the floor looking at him?
All of these could probably be answered easily enough, but the information as presented doesn't make much sense with these questions hanging unanswered.

>turn off
Whoops. Need to proof read myself.
Also why did the crim' bother to waste time killing her parents instead of driving off?
And why didn't the cops catch up in this time?
More questions that should have been answered but weren't.
Moving on.
> The police picked her up and saw where she was from,
How? How did they ///see/// this?
> Unable to contact her family back home in England she was put into the foster care of the United States, She was 6 years old.
This implies that Ezri has surviving family that could not be contacted. Telephones exist. Family records exist. England and America are still communicating with each other in all editions of Shadowrun (as far as I know anyway.) Why wouldn't the police make the effort to track down her family? Please explain.
> The crash left her pretty banged up and she needed medical attention. When she went to the hospital she met a nice young Doctor by the name of George. George was kind to her as she recovered and made her feel safe even though such a tragic thing had happened.
More awkward phrasing and lack of explanation. What injuries did she suffer that put her in hospital with a long recovery? Does Dr. George have a last name? Did anyone get this traumatised kid counselling?
These are the mysteries people. Deploying gif bones for reference.
> After she recovered she went into the foster-care system.
I still don't believe this.
> The parents she was assigned weren’t bad, but they were not equipped to deal with someone that had been through such a traumatic experience.
This implies that foster care systems are without oversight. If Ezri was untreated for mental trauma and the foster parents weren't able to provide care it's more than likely that they would have worked with the foster agency(is that the right term?) to acquire counselling. Or if not then they'd have given up care of her. This bizarre situation again lacks explanation.

4 years went by before she realized that her life had to change.
A 10 year old with PTSD realised this did they? And those 'not bad' foster parents or her case worker didn't figure that out earlier?
> she decided that At night she would sneak out and try to find the hospital that she had been taken to, hoping to find the doctor that had been kind to her. She explored and explored learning how to avoid people and remain hidden in the city. It took her almost a year to trace herself back to the hospital that she had stayed at.
This implies that Ezri has been starved of positive interaction. Again possible but highly implausible based on the information required.
Also, sneaking out at night to try and find a hospital. What? The internet exists. 10 y/o are capable of using computers. They're also capable of asking people 'Where was I treated?' and 'Can I contact that nice doctor?' Also implies Ezri never learned or had forgotten where she had been treated. Why didn't she do a google search of hospitals then call and ask to speak to Dr. George? People in Shadowrun are generally even more tech savvy than kids that grew up with smartphones today.
Also no one caught this small child sneaking out for a year or asked her why she's wandering the city at night? No police officer on patrol noticed her while she was 'exploring'? No unscrupulous bastard grabbed her off the streets?
I do not believe this even slightly.

While you ask that, im wondering just how she got food. It said she learned how to remain hidden and avoid people, but nothing about gathering food.

this is op's current character

Now show yours

I havent played shadowrun so i just have some questions
1) What is up with the moonrunes at the top?
2) Is it actually possible/legal to have someones stats dip down to 1 without them being completely inept?
3) What the fuck is edge?

1): Name field, I'm guessing
2): Legal yes, but it does make them pretty much useless at anything involving that stat
3): Luck points, basically. Like Fate points from WFRP 2e/DH.

here you go. keep in mind she is a prime runner.

Probably from the foster parents mainly. But then again she's apparently big chunks of the night. That would result in getting hungry. And tired. And dirty.
Yet more mysteries.

Thats is the name field, the other stuff he got right. his name is in Japanese it literally translates to "nothing personal kid"

>Kill her stone cold dead.
This is the correct answer in an even remotely trenchcoat game.
Not worth bothering though, just going to result in an ass-pull of significant magnitude by the sounds of it.

>4 willpower
Holy shit you're bad at this

>it literally translates to "nothing personal kid"
No it doesn't. It means 'not human'/'inhuman'/other synonym.

it may actually mean that, but the original intent was at "nothing personnel kid".

def mary sue, if it's too strong for your game tell him to buzz off. Not his game, so he doesn't get to port in NPC's.

Sorry m8 I'm on OP's side
Your character is shit and you should feel bad

> When she finally found the hospital she decided to find his office and wait till he arrived in the morning.
And the night staff allowed this instead of trying to call her foster parents?
> When he arrived he jumped and asked who she was. To her dismay he did not recognize. After a couple seconds and the terror dieing down he recognized her and asked what she was doing there. She explained how her family now was no where near equipped to deal with it. George tried to explain to her that even though he was a doctor, he herself feeling empty.
Again needs proofreading. This part is fine in content, except for those last four words. Really just, what?
> She couldn’t get over what had happened. She felt hate. She wanted revenge.
~Doo doo doo~
~Children with PTSD~
~In the foster care system~
~Would get counselling~
~Wooo!~
> Continuing to sneak around in the city at night, she found herself starting to associate with the underbelly of society or rather the underground, she wanted to see if she could spy and eavesdrop enough so that she could find her parents killer.
And she survived this? Wasn't killed or kidnapped to face a fate worse than death? How?
> A couple times she was detected.
Per night you mean? When she started pestering criminals for info about a killer in an incredibly recognisable cape? Actually why the hell was someone wearing something like that on the job? This one isn't a mystery though. The answer is //Shadowrunners are a bunch of idiots//.
> She took gunshots on multiple occasions, mostly grazes.
"Preteen girl found shot dead in the early hours of the morning."
Seriously. Even if the organ damage didn't get her how did she not bleed out? Hell, how did she not collapse and get finished off?

>Unable to contact her family back home in England

I mean, it's all annoying me but

really glad you're picking this apart because it truly is obscene the kind of stuff that makes up this character. Last time I made a mary sue like this it was a changeling assassin in rifts who was very clearly evil and had a bad streak in which he got caught by some damn dirty adventurers who set up a stakeout for him. Even the best lose sometimes.

> Every time she was injured she would show up in Georges office the next morning.
And she stumbled through the active hospital and just sat on the floor outside his office bleeding on the floor until morning?
> He would always ask how she would get herself into these scrapes, she would tell him the truth, because he was the only one she could tell. Eventually George starting telling her tips and tricks so that she didn’t have to wait for him all the time to treat her injuries.
Instead of calling the police. And then he let a kind with a gunshot wound to the torso leave the hospital right? I'm making an unimpressed face right now.
And what about these foster parents? They missed these life threatening injuries, ruined clothes and all the blood?
> Knowing what she was doing he offered her a weapon so that when she finally faced the one who killed her parents she would know what to do.
Pull the other one it's got bell on it.
Another 2 years went by, she knew Boston very well then. Pretending to be a normal girl by day and by night sneaking and becoming a part of the underground crime organization.
Not that this organisation has a name, structure, territory, m.o. or details of any kind.

Not as bad as OP's min-maxing, I'll give you that

>Finally she found him, The man with the Bright purple cloak. When he was strolling home unexpecting of any violence. She dropped down behind him pistol in hand. He hears and turns around. She says to his face “this is what happens when you fuck up” And shoot him in the head with all the bullets in the gun. She takes his cloak and his dual pistols,
I just feel the edge. Wait no that's my fingernails. They need a trim.
> Becoming the monster he had created 7 years ago.
That's a funny way to spell 'emotionally unstable wreck of a preteen'.
> At 13 she started stirring up trouble in the underworld.
"13 year old girl found shot dead."
Criminals take poorly to violent adolescents causing trouble. Also why did the nameless criminal organisation she joined allow her to make trouble?
> At the Age of 16 she had done enough jobs and made enough money to permanently take herself off the grid, to become sinless, to wipe herself clean.
So where those vaguely alluded to family members in England also SINless?
How did she possibly earn enough for this anyway? Sell a kidney?

>this glorious clusterfuck

When kiddies fight

Just suck each other's cocks and make up, jesus

Just cast a magic spell at them, they'll die p. Easy.

i might end up doing that, the game is incredibly hard to make normal encounters with him.

Delete your shitty mary sue while you're at it.

> And when she did she disappeared to all but a few George only knew where she was because she would still come in every time she was injured.
And still all of the hospital staff keep ignoring this.
"Oh young lady how did you get here? Oh you're bleeding quite a lot. Come with me we need to get you down to ER"
"No no Hank, that's that weird girl who goes and sits outside Dr. George's office and bleed on the floor until he get in. We ignore her."
"Oh okay."
Also why is this presumably pediatrician able to preform the surgeries to remove bullets/care for bullet wounds? Is he also a nurse and a surgeon?
> As she went on she took the purple cloack she had a little too seriously, she died her hair purple, and bought a purple suit of armor. She became known in some communities as the purple mencace,
That's dumb but shadowrunners are like that so eh.
> but as she got older she worked less and less needing less money to survive.
That's not even close to how things work.
Food/water/clothes/medicine/bribes/equipment/rent/ect
The costs go up not down.
> One night she got wasted and the next morning she woke up with a purple fox tail. She had always thought it would be cool, but she cant believe that she actually did it.
This is dumb. At least have it stuffed full of illegal tech that's covered up by the fur.
> She went back to the dealer the gave it to her and asked why she did it. He replied “you seemed very intent on becoming a foxy lady and you were rather violent about your terms”. He went on to explain how she forced him to get the tail at gunpoint but then for some odd reason proceeded to pay him.
Silly but amusing. This is probably the part I've got the least issue with.

As much as i may not like my char backstory being blown the fuck out, you make completely valid points, and to be honest some of the comments are hilarious.i literally am shit at writing, and wrote this in an insomnia fueled rampage at 3am. hope that explains

>This is probably the part I've got the least issue with.
Well i have an issue here.
> One night she got wasted and the next morning she woke up with a purple fox tail.
> She went back to the dealer the gave it to her

How?
How did she know who the fuck the dealer was if she just ''woke up with it''

Because the person who wrote it is terrible at writing and apparently wrote it during a rampage of some kind.

this guy gets it

> She apologized for this and promised him that for any cybernetics she would come back to him.
This is also fine.
> At around 19 she began having trouble keeping up her outrageous sleep schedule without a stimulant. Ezri took to drinking caffeine 2 cups a day minimum. She got chummy with a local coffee shop owner that seemed to be able to give her information about the goings on at MITNT.
The nameless parade of friends continues. Say what ever happened to that 'underground crime organization'? Nobody knows. Ooooeeeeoooo~~
> Over the next year she did a couple very lucrative heists playing overwatch.
Ahuh.
> She was part of a heist working for a female weapons dealer she had seen I the past, after a while she became friends as they always gave each other good terms.
Details and names continue to be forbidden I see.
She used the money from this to buy herself orthoskin a cybernetic arm spurs, a holdout pistol and most importantly a sniper.
Sure. That's shadowrunner-y I guess.
> Finally She made a special request for her Fake sin. It was the life she would have lived if her parents hadn’t died that day , a normal life. She keeps it as a reminder of what could’ve been.
This is kinda nonsensical and a big old ass-pull. Where is the build up?
> Shes 23 now and She hasnt worked for a while, she is going to need some cash soon to keep up her outrageous habits. She finds an add put out looking for people willing to assist someone for a price. She couldn’t exactly refuse work, so she showed up.
What outrageous habits? Not remembering anyone's name? Sitting in hospital corridors bleeding?

So to finish, this is an awful inconsistent and illogical mess. And a big pile of shame upon the DM that okayed this the first time.
I'm not adverse to having ridiculous things in my games, but if you bring me some jank you'd best be prepared to justify it to me until I've run out of things to ask "Why?" about.

That was explained in the next bit...

Well I'm glad that you're not flying off the handle. If you'd brought this to me as player to DM I'd be asking you to answer the questions I've layed out here. It's not totally unsalvageable, it just needs work.

This was his first time as a GM, and my first time playing shadowrun. Plus it didn't realy matter considering the direction he was taking the story. so he didnt care.

It might be because its late, or that i am a mix of daft and blind, but i cannot find out how she found out WHO gave her the implant after she blacked out drinking one night. Please show it to me like the kid i am.

Yeah 10 and 12 year olds don't think like this so I really gotta call bullshit. Being a runner before you've gotten through puberty is a fucking joke as well. Honestly if you just left her in foster care until she was old enough then that would make much more sense since when your not even a teenager, you don't know shit, your tiny and nobody will take you seriously. If you start fronting to criminals, the best you can hope for is that they'll laugh at your audacity, but that won't last very long and bad things are going to happen.

Leave her in foster care until shes 16 or 18 and give her an aversion or phobia of the color purple since its the most notable thing about killer apparently. Despite all the councilling and therapy she just can't get over it and through murdering her parents murderer. This would make way more sense then angsty "I became the monster the killed my parents"

Also, so your a doctor who turns up to your office to find a 12 year old, bleeding to death from multiple bullet wounds. You know she has mental issues and is exhibiting self-destructive behavior... nah I'll just patch her up and let her do it again and again.

One more thing! The whole 'Insane' but really just quirky is bullshit. Insane people are not health and cannot function in normal society, this isn't tumblr. PTSD is not a quirk, it ruins lives and haunts people for the rest of their life. I blame Harley Quinn for this trope.

Respect man. Truly respect for owning up to it. I know that if my character backstories were being taken apart I'd fly off the handle.

Why though? Not that guy, but someone actually taking the time to take apart your backstory is a blessing, not a curse. It gives you a chance to refine it, fill in things you had not seen yourself.

GMing is hard, but I guarantee you that inserting some trash snowflake that only exists to be better than the group is a horrible idea. Everything about this character is terrible, and will do nothing to further any sort of plotline or aid the PCs in any way.

Delete her from your imaginary world, my friend. It's the only way.

Well its true all of what he says, and plus i am creating another character right now, and in terms of stupid shit that goes on, it will be worse than this character, if nothing else i want to work wit my GM to make a char that we can both agree on. The way it is working, is he is lettig me get away with some stupid stuff( all explained) but in exchange, he gets a lot of plot devices. thats the trade we made. also
This is exactly right. Though that character is for the most part out of the picture. i want to make the next one i make that much better, and that much more solid i am honestly grateful to him.

>this is what happens when you fuck up

10/10

yeah i kinda realized that, she Is going to be mostly only mentioned from here on out in the campaign. a reference at best kinda deal, no more plot interaction for her.

*cough cough* we children are impatient.

Mostly because it would be showing me where I messed up and I don't think I'm wise enough to take it as constructive criticism and would get too defensive.

I say that, but I did post my characters backstory once and had it critiqued to see if he was a mary sue and it wasn't too bad of an experience and helped me look at the backstory as... more of a story and I've started to write it up in detail recently.

Speaking of mary sues
What exactly are the trademarks of a mary sue?
Are there specific things, or do they change from sue to sue?

Being the best at everything they do
Having a tragic history
Having no personality beyond their perfection or impatience
Having shallow gimmicks that are usually purely visual (like clothing or hair) that the creator thinks adds personality

The original definition comes from some Star Trek fanficition but I think Veeky Forums doesn't really use that definition anymore and goes instead on if the character is cringey, overpowered in their backstory, abrasive or cliche.
The original definition is a character who is young, beloved, has unprecedented skill in almost everything, exceptionally smart and witty who everyone adores and is often a flawless and idealized. Wish-fullfilment for the author.

Not Mary Sue, just overall horrible.
Seems Taht Guy really wants to play alone with a DM so he can be the big star with his waifu PC.

Oh. Dear. I now am concerned about myself maybe having created one of those.
Is it still a sue if she is not best at things nor a perfectionist, but the tragist stuff did not happen to her...directly?

>lots of "flaws", like insanity or lack of social skill, but never suffers consequences for it
>every NPC that meets her immediately likes her or is an antagonist
>High problem solving capacity, usually by being really powerful, or by having deus ex machinas save her constantly
>will not suffer actual setbacks
>plot revolves around her, even if there is no reason why it should

there you go

Maybe not a sue, maybe just unoriginal, but can't say without details

Want me to tl;dr it? Also its about a pathfinder thing, so im ready to be lynched immediately.

DMPCs are never not Mary Sues, full stop.

Go ahead bro. I'm also thinking about posting my backstory for critique though its a bit long and I'm working it more into a story.

Assumed this one was for me () so ill go ahead here
first some pre-story knowledge.

>Race is a homebrew allowed by gm, inspired by spider
>Race lives along drows
>Class is spiritualist, a fighter/mage hybrid that has a phantom to assist them in fighting

>Story begins before birth of actual character
>Characters big-brother to be is a fighter in deep caves
>Big brother hears mother is with child
>Big brother also hears mother is sick and child is at risk
>Due to population-regulative messures, everyone is prohibited from gathering needed medicine
>On false premises, brother gathers a group of fighters and go deep into cave looking for healing herb
>Herb is found at the cost of the lives of everyone in the group, save big brother who is gravely injured
>Big brother makes it home in time for birth with herb
>Big brother dies, the eyes of his newborn baby-sister the last thing he sees

>Drow queen is furious
>Good men died and laws were broken
>Since there is nobody alive to be punished, she casts a spell
>Big brother is forgotten by everyone who knew him, save for the queen, as a reminder.

I'm playing with the idea of doing this on purpose. The character, I dub it 'Shallow', is exactly that or something of the likes: overly described in its visual traits, some kind of shallow interesting backstory and always reappears near the group.

In fact, Shallow is some kind of Doppler/mimic that grows in strength the more it is allowed to stick around the group. The group has to effectively discover the shallow nature of the character by discovering inconsistencies I planted in its behaviour and backstory. How does that sound to you guys?

Unless you have a really good group, anyone paying attention will probably just think you made a crappy, inconsistent character

Cont.

>Character is born, seemingly healthy
>During early years, talks about seeing things that others cannot see
>Queen catches word of this
>Characters grandmother was well known seer
>Assumes it is the same with character
>Takes character in to mold her talents
>Character becomes one of queens handmaidens
>Character grows attachet to queen, almost like a second mother
>Character keeps talking about seeing someone
>Someone talking to her, watching over her
>Queen gets feeling her initial instincts were wrong but still trains character, as she can be useful nonetheless
>years pass and character and queen becomes rather close
>character struggeling slightly, thinking she might be somewhat of a loon
>Seeing and hearing someone talk to her, claming to know her, someone whom nobody knows who is
>Queen slips up one night, mentioning brothers name
>Character immediately recognize it
>Queen tells the tale of her brother
>Character rushes off to deep caves to hit something
>Gets ambushed by strong monsters
>As she is sure she would be eaten, a blue flash appears and an apparition holds the maw of the beast
>her brother finally managed to materialize
>they spend a night talking thngs over
>He knows what he did was forbidden
>Instead of seeking revenge, they gets permission from queen to act as diplomats, meanwhile seeking a powerful paladin-king to try to bring
brother back to life

Que the tales of Laneria & Lazarus

What is the verdict?

Mine's alright. Sniper, bad with people, but only interfere with the runner if they fuck up colossally.

The fact that they were dumb and got pregnant means they do a supervisory role, mostly, and never, ever interfere with party plans.

Both shit.

Have them hate fuck.

Not going to say it's great but it's not a sue. Don't see a problem in playing that.

It would've been a sue if the Queen decided to execute her family for the brother's actions. Then the character became an expert ghostmancer by age 5 and slaughtered everyone in the caves as revenge.

Not bad
I like it although I'm a Human-Purist... just don't use a scythe of a weapon. The ghostly brother helps mitigate any weaknesses the character would have because of their physical age and helps look after the character so that other plays don't need to babysit the child in the party.

Yeah, I'm afraid that is probably what will happen. I was hoping to drop multiple hints and one glaring weak spot in the backstory, but that might not be enough. I imagine it is difficult to make players question the credibility of DMpcs without throwing this info into their faces. Thanks.

Thank you. It's the second character ive made, so just hearing that its not sue is good for me, it means i didnt fuck up colosally.

Im somewhat opposite to you then. I like to play anything but humans. For the scythe, the class was specifically profficent in it so i just thought ''why the fuck not?''
Also.. just a little addendum..
She is not a child. Her race ages like drows/elves and she is around 80 years, but somewhat underdeveloped. Which pisses her off prefusely, since she wants to become a proper lady in the future.

>2 hours passed
Thats a pretty long story you got there mate

I said I was thinking about it.

I'm typing it up now

When a Gypsy migration brings their caravan through the borders of a Kingdom they are rebuffed by a Lord of the Kingdom who lets them cross the river and camp out inside the borders whilst word is sent to the Capital to ask if they have permission to travel through their lands. Due to buercracy and Kings Council squabbling the Gyrpsys are stuck there for a long time and quickly begin to starve even when the Lord that rebuffed them brings them food. A Mercenary Company (Working title 'The First and Only') are hired to maintain order, basically watching the encamped Gypsys to make sure they don't do anything reckless. Things get worse and eventually a gyspy couple sell their son to the Mercenaries in exchange for a dog for them to eat. Their son is essentially enslaved by the mercenaries and put to work. He's round about 6 with blonde hair and a gypsy braid.
Grows up around the Mercenaries doing their busy work, digging latrines and other menial degrading tasks. They call him Rat, joking that his gypsy braid is his rats tail and he receives a lot of abuse because he’s from gyspy parents though he remembers nothing of his parents or his life before he was sold, only a few words in gyspy tongue, a yellow caravan and how to tie his braid.

Three years later, the higher-ranking members of the Company start taking on Squires for assorted reasons. Rat idolizes the Captain of the Company and fears his Lieutenant Bouris. The Captain takes on a squire from their current employer, the bastard son of a King whilst Damian is taken on as a Squire by the cruel and abusive Bouris who treats Rat like a dog. Bouris is a cruel and abusive drunk who beats and scalds Rat. He was tortured years ago and blames his Captain, one of the most obvious marks of this torture is that he has no finger nails which makes Rat cringe.

The bastard squire is arrogant and narcissistic, taking shots at Rat and lording over him every chance he gets. The constant abuse makes Rat cruel but he doesn't break and on a few occasions, ends up fighting the bastard squire. Rat apprentices to the Company blacksmith to pay off Bouris debts getting much stronger from the vigorous work. The Captain stars showing interest in Rat, seemingly making excuses to talk to him, questioning him and filling him in on the goings on, the bigger picture of the war. The rest of the Mercenaries dont treat Rat that badly but also fear Bouris and don't step in to stop him when he punishes Rat for X or Y.

Eventually Rat follows Bouris into battle, numerous skirmishes (his first kill is a peasant boy his own age) and a battle where he is paralyzed by a blow to the back of the head whilst locked in the shield wall. It’s the peak of summer and the bodies are rotting quickly so they just dig a mass grave and dump everyone inside. Rat is conscious but paralyzed and tossed into the grave and more and more bodies are piled ontop until he’s completely buried. He begins to feel something in the sea of bodies, a hand cold as ice caressing his palm soothingly, suddenly giving him new life and control over his body. He claws his way out of the mass grave much to the surprise of the men filling the graves in. Rat excels across the war after this becoming quite popular among the Mercenaries who treat him more like a human being and with a level of respect. At some point Bouris deserts and Rat becomes the second squire to the Captain. (There’s more to this but it’s not important) He learns to read and write and the finer parts of warfare through this.

The Kings trueborn son dies in a shipwreck and the bastard squire becomes the heir to the Kingdom. With the end of the war they are invited back to the Castle to feast. He is about 14-15 now. At the feast, Rat is allowed to feast as their equal and starts flirting with a singer girl, being one of the few girls he’s been able to talk too he gets a puppy crush on her. Later, during the feast he steps outside for some air and sees said singer girl getting off with the bastard squire. He feels betrayed and enraged, that the bastard squire is so fortunate for no reason compared to him who has had to struggle and fight to get where he is today whilst the squire gets everything handed to him. When the singer girl leaves, he feels stabs the squire through the back in a sudden bout of rage and rolls his body into the latrine, taking his crown and jewels for good measure.

He returns to the feast but before long they start looking for the Squire and find his body. I haven’t cleared it up yet but Rat is discovered as the murderer and the King no heirless calls for his head. The Captain suddenly rally’s his men to fight and protect Rat, much to Rats extreme astonishment and regret. A bloody melee ensues in the feast hall and by the end only Rat, the King and Captain are left, everyone else lie dead or dying. They fight, the Captain is grievously wounded but Rat manages to stab the King through the back. He tries to staunch the bleeding but can't, and the Captain dies trying to whisper something to him but he can't hear it.

He starts a fire to burn the Castle down and flees into the night, carrying the king’s sword and princes crown with him and has been fleeing his mistake ever since.

There are a few things I haven’t mentioned. At some point, he cuts off his braid and rejects his gyspy heritage and takes on the name “Damian”, maybe after a folk hero or old king. He begins to believe that he is something special. He has a birthmark on his thigh in the shape of a claw or talon and he is convinced that it’s something meaningful and is a marker of some sort of great destiny that awaits him, though he’s studied a lot of history and myth he can’t find any examples of the same birthmark elsewhere. His end goal is to become a King by his own hand which is quiet the accomplishment for a slave. I know its abit thick, I took the backstory of my character and decided to give it a shot as a proper story and have been trying to view it as if It were a book.

>GM
>not his game
wat

I had to go to work, please forgive me o magnanimous and gracious user.

It wasn't stated outright but it was implied to be through the contacts she made in the criminal underworld. Which is just fine. Some dickhead goes around wearing a fabulous purple cape and shooting tourists while running from the cops is gonna make a name for themselves.

> Good men died and laws were broken
That's some weird drow you got there. Well by DnD standards anyway.
>they spend a night talking thngs over
>He knows what he did was forbidden
>Instead of seeking revenge, they gets permission from queen to act as diplomats, meanwhile seeking a powerful paladin-king to try to bring brother back to life
I reiterate the these are some weird ass drow.
Could do with a little more detail in certain spots, such as why the queen is treating the girl like a child and not a tool, but it mostly works.

>ported from a previous campaign
>always in the spotlight
>purely informed flaw: "socially inept"
>ignores the rules (weapon stacking?)
This is the actually shitty stuff.

>DM minmaxes the NPC in his game
>wants to play her in your game
And this is the real evidence that your DM is not just a powergaming cunt, but also potentially an idiot who thinks "it happened in my game therefore it carries over in yours". Mary Sue or not, absolutely do not let this work, ever.

Also just use pastebin for fuck's sake.

>tragic backstory—her parents are dead and she killed some people as a teen
>Everyone's parents lived through VITAS, Nights Of Rage, multiple Matrix crashes, etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera.

"Your parents are dead? Mine too, and hers. You killed some people? Everyone in this room has had to kill to survive. You wear all purple and have a purple tail? He wears all black and has hair that changes colour with his mood, and that guy over there wears all Ares and has spider eyes. Build a bridge, get the fuck over it, and harden the fuck up."

2cups of coffee a day
What a mad man
Someone stop him.
Why is that in the bio? I don't get it why is 2cups a day worth mentioning?

Savage. Pretty good review though

Kill her.

So, we're rating backstories now? Umm, here's one from a JoJo campaign i made...

>13yo girl with a penchant for video games
>her brother's working towards holodeck-style virtual reality
>accidently connects his prototype into an online game store
>girl gets thrown in, finds what would become her almost favorite game
>falls into tornet due to brother desperately mashing keys and resetting the prototype holodeck to get her back.
>finds out about underground vampire society trying to pull a world domination plot using an artificial Pillar Man
>gets pulled back, something else comes with.
>her very own stand. Hope Girl.
>Tells brother about the situation, Hope Girl confirms the events are in fact transpiring
>Brother figures it's just like his japanese animes, hires a detective stand user to find other stand users to party up and deal with the vampire menace
>girl buys herself a copy of the game, recognizes Hope Girl as the game's protagonist.
>fast forward ten uneventful years.
>girl's played around enough to know how her stand evolves: by progressing in the game.
>training with her newly evolved stand, Sunset Cage, when detective returns with a band of seven stand users.
>old guy with a cowboy hat asks her name
>"Your brother, Jokke, failed to mention your name, you see."
>"Ah, i'm Jonna Joukahainen. Glad to know ya!"

Thoughts?

Sounds like damage control to me.

You're saying that, since the initial creation, you've found it to be completely fine, and have inflicted it on other people across two campaigns, and only now are you claiming "Haha yeah, I wrote shit cus I didn't sleep that one night"

If you're going to start writing characters with detailed backstories, you need to ask yourself _why_ each contrivance has happened, not just let it pass. You have a couple of half decent plot pieces here and there, but I'd advise starting over.

For example; the family in England could not be reached. Why? Have they completely cut off this branch of the family? Was the move to Boston actually down to them being disowned? if not, Why did there have to be an extended family in England, if it's just to be immediately written off?

Why has a hospital full of people completely ignored a teenager riddled with bullet holes until that one guy gets in for the day? Does he consider the Hippocratic Oath more a suggestion? There are any number of ways for her to be getting shady medical care and advice with less of a morality issue.

Instead of saying she's outwitted shitloads of people who have been at this business for years, have her start off as an underdog. Shitty jobs no real shadowrunner wants to take, working as a go-for and whatnot, apprenticed under someone who knows their shit and sees some talent in the little psycho, or at least someone they can take advantage of until she turns up dead in an alley.

Throw difficult challenges at her, and make her _suffer_ with it. Allow her to fail. Show some development from naive brat to competent criminal.