Mages Guild - Artifact Overload Edition

Pffff. Like we haven't done it before.
Nnnnnnope.

The Thieves? Oh... that could work. How about we have the Thieves "steal" a few of our artefacts and let them store them for us?
I'll have to go see if he want to take one or two of the ones I have off my hands then, I have too many right now.
I think I saw a pyromancer trying to use it for target practice. Assuming it was a moving talking tinfoil hat at least, if not then I haven't seen it.

You sound suspicious. As usuaaal...

If the hat was floating and talking, then I think it was mine.

...You'd theives would want to sell most of their wares. Otherwise why steal them?

Try asking the ferromancers, they do tinfoil.

For the rainy day fund, dingus.
Why in lok's prickly scrotum would I want a tin foil hat that whispers in my ear? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE FOR?

What, we're relying on those bastard Chronomancers for historical records now?
I have standards to keep and leaving the faults open for aspiring thieves who know nothing about what they attempt to acquire
Flooding the black-market with doomsday weapons and reality altering artifacts?
Hell's Teeth Lazarus your idea remains insane.

That depends on the quality of their work. Though most of their stuff´s good. Which floor was their department again?

Yes. WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT THAT ONE BACK?

...is the idea of saving some of the gold you make from sales so far-fetched?

It would keep us busy, for sure...

Then yes, I saw it. A pyromancer was trying to hit it with some flaming darts, I hope he doesn't burn down the anything important, he had terrible aim.
I suspect even thieves appreciate trophies.
Might lead to some interesting times. It's been a while since we had a decent conquering overlord.

IT IS AN ABOMINATION!
Yep.
Have you ever been in the thieves guild? Stop asking stupid questions.

I told you you should have just started a stamp collection, we both knew this was going to happen.

I better go check then: The hat tends to only be helpful during the start of the school year and I need it soon.

CORRECTION! AN USEFUL ABOMINATION!

Only for everything to get vaulted again in the end.
With good reason.
Much as I would appreciate something to punch.
Fuuuuuck. Their accounts are about as trustable as the Archwizards.

But by that point you have the expansion done, do you not?

It would act as a buffer against the incoming artifacts yes. But we must remember that chaos on this scale leads to MORE artifacts being created. We're looking at a potential net gain.
Time to double the funding into that expansion if people are seriously considering this as an option.

I know. You were right. But there is no trophy greater than a skull of a powerful enemy so I just kept collecting them.
And I would appreciate someone who can pull off the villain role with style. I would do it myself if I didn't have far too many duties.

Suggesting we plant one of our own somewhere to get this mess in motion, are you?

Why not seal their souls into a stamp collection?
Shame, isn't it?
A USELESS ABOMINATION! YOU PERVERT ITS NOBLE PURPOSE OF MAKING THE VOICES STOP! ITS VERY EXISTENCE SCREAMS UNCEASINGLY FOR AN END!

IT`S PURPOSE IS TO TEACH YOU BRAT! YOU DON`T KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY IT ON! AND GIVEN YOU REACTIONS, YOU WOULDN`T BE ABLE TO DRONE OUT HIS VOICE! I`D FAIL YOU ON THE SPOT!

Pathetic waste of resources.
What's your plan for this surplus anyway?

That would be an excellent idea, if I could think of someone both capable and not busy with other duties.
Because... wait, you mentioned stamp collections twice. Are you trying to get rid of a stamp collection?

...Certainly not one filled with souls of despotic fransian nobility.
IT TEACHES NOTHING! ITS VERY EXISTENCE IS A LIE!
Really confuse some archaeologists.

Alright, I need to lodge a formal complaint. I have been happily stitching away, performing blood rituals and general fleshsmithing activities down in the lower levels without complaint for a few months now and someone's alchemical byproducts have been seeping down through the floor and it is making an absolute mess out of my workstation!

Bits of flesh mutating into the strangest things, pools of blood being changed into scrying pools, and valuable ritual materials being terribly contaminated, it's a nightmare!

I think we need to enforce some stricter cleanup rules in this place! This shit is unacceptable!

TL;DR Clean up your alchemy messes you limp hatted shits.

YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE WAS A LIE!

YOU`RE FREE TO ATTEND MY NEXT CLASS AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!

Then YOU come up with something!

That's Mort in the Alchemy department, forward your curses and death threats his way.

You do have one! Do you have King George the Finicky? I always did wonder what happened to him.
A common complaint, they usually don't listen. I got some advice on how you can protect your lab if you want some pointers.

As angry as I can act, I am busy dealing with this mess already. Let alone both sides.
Well, you can have most of the first age items then.
Ok, that's a fourth of the vaults dealt with.
Sounds like Mortimer fucked up. Not surprising.
Expansion.
>Deadpan stare

I'll send him something alright.
I'm thinking something that bleeds fucking EVERYWHERE in his quarters.

Please do! At this rate I'll be out of Smokers Lungs and Blighted Spines by the end of the month!

...I might. And the grapevine has it that any letter bearing a stamp that contains his soul causes all the clocks in the building to disassemble themselves.
GO TO HELL LINDA! PSIONICS AREN'T EVEN MAGIC YOU CHEAP HARLOT!

AT LEAST I`M NOT AS CHEAP AS YOU! AND I`M SURE HELL IS GOING TO BE MUCH MORE PLEASANT COMPANY!

Sorry, but I have to cut our little argument here short.Need to catch some sleep.

That's three months from now, assuming our geomancy department can get their shit in gear, which it sounds like is actually a problem right now!

So we're talking four months turnaround. What can we do until THAT, huh?

And here you are not helping at all, what a surprise...

First of all, get a Geomancer to seal all the cracks in the ceiling. Mundane construction methods, and magical ones made to resemble such techniques, leave cracks that the spillage can seep through. Either have a Geomancer remake the ceiling from scratch or fuse the stones together.

Second of all, get a reinforced mithril drainage pipe and make sure it doesn't drain onto someone else's lab.
Sounds like your kind of curse. I do have the Cursed Skull of Varamel the Trickster, if placed in the heart of a building it causes all rooms to randomly mirror themselves either north to south or east to west.

>He just starts screeching
Hello miss not paying attention, glad you could join us.
>He pulls out something labeled "Master activation switch, sector 4 artifact storage
I am SO helping.
Actually, they take after the soul stored within. Something notable from their mark on history. Georgie loved clocks.

Mortimer will have answers for that. He's persistent, unfortunately.
You're going to have to ramp up the scale.
Well. Much as I hate to say it. Bring back the physical assignments of assigning minor artifacts to students to assess their ability to use them to solve magical hurdles.
There. That's something. At least for the near harmless section of the items.

There's a problem with the plumbing, I sent a request to maintainence when the problem first started three months ago and they still haven't gotten around to fixing the pipes. So send it their way if you want, if you send it to me you will not like the consequences.

That he did. I think I gave him one back when you had me attend his wedding. I don't remember though, were you related to him, his wife, or did you just invent a fictional relative to crash the party?

I mean, I don't teach here, not like I'd be passing them out.

...Pierre, what are you doing.

Oh boy, here we go.
Neither do I. But I do go to the Gravimancer meetings to remind those idiots how to properly spell the name of the department. Gravomancer is not the real term.
Why utilize the thieves at all, we could sell some of the artifacts to nations we trust.

Just annihilate the artifacts into pure magical energy. Problem solved.

An option, but a sad waste of history.
Some of them also go violently. But that wouldn't be too much of an issue.

If I'm not mistaken he's going to solve our storage problem. By clearing the storage.
Last time we did that we had to rebuild the entire Guild Hall due to the explosion it caused.

That is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard, being one of the ones that causes the utter distruction of all of Aen due to too much mana buildup. Not to mention the fact that it would be a huge waste of resources.

>A large black Harpy swoops in through the window that may or may not have been open.
>She lands on the floor with a staggered thump, setting down a concerningly large bag.
Hey. Delivery for the Mages' Guild. Not a specific recipient, just kinda everyone, looks like.
>She looks back at the bag.
I didn't even know Bags of Holding eventually increased in size if you stuffed them enough and I work with these things every day.

Do you have anything for Lazarus? I'm expecting a reply from Kapala.

>When everyone forgot about the NORMIES GET OUT REEEEEE Shadow Mage Specialists
>Current DR
>Being a proprietary Shar driven magic Shadowcaster

Fucking Shadow Casters, these morons completely missed out, took a trip to the Demiplane of Dread through the World Serpent Inn, and learned Shadow Lichdom was actually a thing! and it's literally the most easy Lichdom to do! Yeah the guy who did it was pretty much a man after the heart of an Archdevil, but the transformation wasn't! It was a completely neutral thing! All I need to do is wait for the inn to show up again and I'm back to my workshop and out of this horrid hellhole, and on to achieving an Immortality so obscure that not only has no one ever heard of it, but it actually bolsters my current talents and no one even knows how to kill me opposed to literally every schmuck on the block with regular dull-Orcus issuded lichdom. hell, it's not only obscure, but extremely difficult, took a fucking week to kill the inventor through trial and error when I had the blighter at my mercy!

When I get back, I'll take a rest, and visit upon the Shadow Enclave and pry the secrets of becoming a Shade from their aged empire, the process of becoming a shade, is in fact integral to the process of becoming a Shadow Lich, though the other information to the transformation is privy to me alone, well- that and the now double-dead strangely attractive for a dead-guy living in a wine cellar/lab in an old abandoned mansion.

...Uh. Don't you only do mail?

...Ho boy. This should be good for a laugh.

Nope, sorry. My sister might be coming by later with some letters, but all I've got is this and I don't think they're letters.
>She opens the bag's latch and artifact after artifact after artifact begin pouring out. Glowing pyramids, weird hourglasses, tables with only one leg, all sorts of strange objects. After a couple dozen clatter onto the floor, the Harpy forces the latch shut again. The bag has only somewhat decreased in size.
Not letters. There's, uh, still a lot more. Anywhere I should put these?

Mail, yes, whether that's letters or packages. In this case, many many many packages.
>She scratches a talon through her messy, feathery hair.

What's this about artifacts?

>sighs
Well, that's what we've gathered today to answer ourselves.
>picks up a strange looking hourglass
Is this what I think it is? Hmm... I suppose I could use one of these.

...uh...

Who for?

Short answer, we have too many, and the Archwizard wants ideas on what to do with them.

Sure he died?

History is grossly overrated. Just record details about them as we chuck them, that should satisfy the historians.
That's a problem to overcome, not a guarantee.
The universe is infinite, and you are most certainly not. Plus, we have the resources to waste, to turn into a different type of resource to waste.

We have too many of them. Say, would you be interested in taking a cursed skull off my hands?
As she said, the entire guild.

Yeah, they do, but at that point the magic of the bag of holding has a serious change of unraveling and sending everything in inside of it onto the floor.
Do you have the components I ordered, they should be addressed to Mortimer's Marvelous Mixtures.

...I'd say destroy them, but that's probably just the Nor Marcher in me.
What would I use a skull for?

Depends on which one you take off my hands. The Cursed Skull of Geralt the Vicious will rot the crops of any field it's placed on. Interested?

I have no idea. We aren't allowed to mess with the contents of deliveries at all and I only know a little mail magic, so your guess is probably better than mine.
Well, actually, once it's delivered we can, since then it's no longer a delivery and covered by that clause, but I still tend to keep my nose clean.

This one is just addressed to "Mages' Guild, Wherever-It-Is-At-The-Moment".
So, everyone, I guess. Or management.

I don't, sorry. Like I mentioned before, this one was a bit of a special delivery, so it's all I've got.
My sister might come by later or I might just come back with a normal round. We'll have to see what HQ prefers.

See, Inigo had the same thought, but some of them won't do well with being destroyed.

...Don't they need waivers on stuff like this?

Diligence, that's an admirable quality. Say, you wouldn't be interested in a cursed skull? I've realised I've collected too many of them.
True that, especially the talking artefacts. They tend to object loudly if you try to destroy them, and then make a mess of the place. The rest just makes a mess of the place.

Why would I ever do that?

Well, what if we destroy them specially?

They were probably signed by the sender, if so. They didn't give me any, at least.

Cursed? Does it do anything except... Be cursed?

>shrugs
Everyone has enemies. Admittedly most Cursed Skulls have a tendency to cause a bit too much collateral for simple revenge, you would need to hate at least and entire village, town, city or country to use them.
They mainly do two things, unleash horrific curses once used properly. And look nice on the shelf when they are not used. Sadly I'm out of shelf space.

>Fades into view
If there's that much of a problem with storing the artifacts, I have more than enough room to store all of them!

>The harpy stands there for a moment, looking unsure, then shrugs.
Yeah, sure, why not. What are some choices?

>A small framed girl shuffles into the hall, giving sidelong glances to the conversing magical folks. She clears her throat softly.
Uh, hi. Is there a registration process for this place?

Mother sent me up to check it out. Apparently this place has existed for years without her knowing about it, somehow. So I'm just wondering what the logistics of all this stuff is.

This place is lame, join the Adventurer's Guild of Midway Island.

But I don't hate nearly that many people!
I just showed up and walked in and joined.

Let's see... I have the Cursed Skull of Uriel the Obscure. It can vanish a village if dropped in the main well. Of course you'll vanish along with it unless you're fast enough so I never considered it very useful.
All you need to do is pick a department and inform the head. Alternatively, sign the form, there are some spare forms on the table over there. Welcome to the Mages Guild.
Well then keep it on a shelf and away from fertile soil and it can be a nice decoration.

There's a few forms to fill out, but they're all in common and nothing too painful.
>Diana produces a few pages and hands them to Camilla.

And...word of advice, try to keep your head down. Things can get weird sometimes.

Wait, Lazarus, are you selling artifacts?
>The greed in Lurco's eyes is palpable

you people keep your floors really dirty dont you? this is great!

Ah, thank you. I'll bring these back to her.

... Eventually. This place seems bustling right now, and I could use the conversation.

Seems to be a valid strategy.

I'm not even certain what that is. I don't get out much.

I don't like skull decorations though.
You, uh, you're made of slime.
Works for a lot of people, generally.

Must you whore out your land of sweaty men during a meeting?

>A blonde woman pops out of nowhere in a poof of glittery pink smoke.
Did somebody say registration process~?!
>She affectionately claps her hands on the girl's shoulders.
Oh, you're just adorable! And wonderful! And making my life easier!
>She starts to look on the verge of tears.
You have no IDEA how often people simply skip the administrative process!
>She nods happily at Diana's handing over the forms and snaps her fingers, poofing a large desk into existence. She sits excitedly down in the chair and folds her hands in her lap. A pink pin floats from a drawer and hovers next to Camilla for her use.
Those are the base forms, but there are some others for ensuring your proper placement into a department and the such. Not mandatory, but certainly helpful.
Let me know if you have any questions whatsoever and I'm happy to help!
Oh, of course, my name is Priscilla, I'm the guild's head secretary! It's a pleasure.

...
>seems to consider something
Yes, I'm selling artefacts. What do you have to trade for the Cursed Skull of Famal the Tempest? If held high atop a mountain it will cause a terrible lightning storm, which will first kill whoever is holding the skull and then devastate whatever nation claims the mountain as their own.
The janitors are on vacation. Feel free to eat all the dirt you like while they are gone. Though if you don't mind me asking, which lab or portal do you come from?
Well I suppose they are not for everyone.

Well, there's no shortage of conversation to be had, even after the meetings end. So long as you can keep up it's...really not a bad place to be.

Now judging by the robes and hat, you're a witch in training?

...I'm not going to ask about the collar.

yeah! just moving around is delicious!
theres donut crumbs, dirt, dust, blood, everything!
uh.... the one with all the glass jars i guess. ive only been out for 5 minutes, and ive really only been able to think for 2. thinking is great though! all of this is great!

Sure, sounds pretty interesting.
By 'vanish', do you mean some sort of invisibility? Or delete from the landscape?

So, someone left the door open, you crawled out, saw a great feast on the floor and made it up here then? Interesting.
It either deletes it from the landscapes or re-locates it somewhere else. All I know is that the only thing that remains whenever anyone has used it is the skull. If it was simply invisibility then it would be far more useful.

>Priscilla crosses her arms.
It was a fashion statement and I thought it might be cute, but I don't think it's working out. You think I should trash it?

>A scraggly mage enters the meeting and takes a look across the room
>his eyes clearly focus on one person
Since when did Big Berha get replaced by such a cutie?

Rolled 13 (1d20)

It's an adventurer's guild based in Midway Island that ships outs it's employees to take care of the world's problems.

>Poses
Yes.

I have copious amounts of gold I would be willing to pay for it and I can also provide services or provide people that can perform services.

Or me, at least.
That's, uh, cute.

Neat, I guess I'll be careful then.
Or not.
Who knows. I've got plenty of shelf space anyway.
>She blinks at Lazarus.
So where is it?

O-oh, well, I, I mean this wasn't for me, it was for my- I mean, I guess I'm a magic user too, so it makes sense I should register...
>She trails off, setting about work on the pieces of paperwork.

Ah, yes. My mother is a witch, I'm apprenticed to her. She calls herself the "Great Witch of the Woods." She refuses to leave said woods, and don't tell her I said this, but I think she believes she holds more renown than she actually does.

Still, I owe her a lot, so I can't complain.

yeah! its awesome! im way bigger than i was 5 minutes ago too!
are you gonna eat crud on your soles?

You don't leave behind a mess as you move about, do you?

I think people might ask more pointed questions.

If your mom wants to show up too, she can. Actually wouldn't be the first mother-daughter pair we've had in the guild. But...that attitude may need some adjusting.

..Then again, witches. What do I know?

>as the slime scoots around the floor, all it seems to be leaving is a shiny clean streak
i dont think so.
>the slime has found its way under the table
dude! theres so much crap down here!