Meanwhile on Dragon Veeky Forums

Better undead than dead, am I right?

Hey, I was only 800 at the time! I have a sweet gig going on with a puppet nation down below, and when I need to relax I go on a few night raids of their enemies.

I have to say, choosing to live with the lesser races has proven to be an interesting and fruitful experiment. I currently am living in a small city of humans who see me as some kind of protector and offer me plenty of food and gold for basically nothing. Sure, I torched a bunch of stupid orcs that were gathering around outside the city walls, but that was more for fun than anything else. These creatures idolize me and often times come to me for advice and blessing. I tell them I'm not a god, but they keep on doing this stuff anyway. They're certainly better than kobolds, and it's neat to see all the different types of humans that come and go. You have your tinheads, your book boys, dog handlers, shooty men, a dude with a stick, some guy who only owns clothes and shaved his head, a musclebound freak with a big axe, the pope, the OTHER pope, some idiot who uses two oversized swords, a midget, a kid, a magic kid, a peasant, and even a dog-man. Lots of people seem to take up this "adventuring" business and come to me for a job when they're starting out. I've started just telling them to go kill some wolves and I give them a few pieces of gold just to encourage them to listen to me more.

That, and I've taken to buying off old magic gear they come across. I then sell it to other adventurers for huge profit. Seriously, living here has been great. The only thing that bothers me is this doofus clad in black plate carrying an oversized spear keeps insisting I let him ride me. I do not know what to do with him, and I'm running out of ways for him to "prove his worth" that should have gotten him killed. I've sent him to the far corners of the earth, had him battle powerful monsters and even slay one of my enemies and yet he still returns every damn time. What do I do with him?

Sounds like an interesting way to live. Maybe I should try it... Got any advice for starting out?

Tell him you'll let him ride you if he lets you ride him. Either you'll crush him to death or he'll somehow manage a cross-country run while carrying you on his back. Either way should be moderately entertaining.

Start out near a small village. Meet some stupid idiot child wandering around the woods and go on an adventure. Wind up protecting the village from the sealed ancient evil you two will inevitably unleash (bonus points if you make your own). Feign a terrible wound from the fight. Let the people be won over by the child, and then they take you in out of sympathy. A day or two later and you're fine, back on your feet, and ready to start mingling among them, earning their trust and eventually securing your spot in their society. Word spreads of your renown, they believe you are benevolent, and then you can work your way up to a bigger city. Careful not to draw the suspicion of local "heroes" while you do this - they may rat you out. If you get caught, play the victim card and call them monsters for not letting you into their society, belittle them and make them feel terrible for their viewpoints. Lesser creatures such as humans have very weak egos and are very manipulable, exploiting their insecurities in themselves to twist them into thinking what you want them to think. If all else fails, burn down the village but leave the child alive. You will become his nemesis and you will gain power as he grows in power just because the "final confrontation" between you and him has to be fair. Either way, it's a win for you.

Craziest? Sure, sure.

>be a black of relatively noble standing, about 1500 years old
>swoop into a village during a wedding
>kidnap the husband
>take him back to my swamp, relishing in his pained screams as my acidic breath eats away his legs
>ahh, sweet joy.
>keep this up for a few days, feeding him rotted fish and making him drink the swamp water to stay alive
>his wife breaks in in a suit of armor
>she says, and I quote "Hello, thank you for the help back there. I need another favor, however."
>She presents a jar
>smells of magic
>"What trickery is this jar formed of?"
>"No trickery great dragon, just enchanted to not melt. Please fill it to the brim."
>All the while her husband is screaming his head off at her to either save him or run and come back with more soldiers
>Decide to oblige her request.
>After filling the jar, she presents a magical necklace and leaves me be.
>What an odd woman.
>Some two months later, magically keeping the husband alive, bit off one of his pickled legs. Has not stopped screaming yet. I've begun to make him eat human meat, it's pretty funny.
>Apparently the king of a neighboring kingdom has been slain, I hear one of the humans I'm about to capture to feed to the husband says before he knows of my presence.
>Grasp him and ask what's happened
>"A-a-a-a-a woman oh great one, she fired an arrow soaked acid, melted the king into a puddle she did!"
>Hah, no fucking way.
>immediately fly to the kingdom to question her
>greeted with a "Hello great dragon! I was just about to search for you."
>the king was her father
>he killed her mother, then forcibly married her off
>this was her revenge game

Ah, I miss that crazy girl. At least her kingdom still pays me a tithe of treasures.

... I don't think my pride will allow for that.

Nice! The little bolds in my lair started as one upon hearing the booming sounds of my laughter.

Upon telling him this, he became very excited. He took off his rings, gloves and amulet and put on a different set, each piece seemed to increase his strength. Then he began drinking bottle after bottle of elixir, pausing momentarily to drink. After that, he lifted me up and carried me out of the room, around the courtyard and brought me back. Now he's sitting on the cushions across the room watching me with his legs crossed and his hands clasped in his lap, waiting, staring at me through that dark visor of his. Wat do?

HELLO MY FELLOW- uh, hello my fellow "dragons".

May I ask, how do you protect your weaknesses? I am having some uh - difficulty, and i need to make sure that I have covered all the bases as far as weak points on a dragon go. What kind of things can actually kill a dragon? I need to know this so i can make sure I dont have this happen to me. o_o;

>Black
>Proceeds ro regail us all with his torture methods.
Look, your hobbies are great and all, but this is a crazy Human Thread, Torture General is still up, Right by the 3000th Houses and People 5e thread and above the "Best Kobold Minion" Thread

I may be torturous, but at least I have manners.
With such blatant rudeness, you must be a Red.

Shouldn't you be burning something down, Volcanus?

If you have a Human THAT resourceful, honestly just wear him on your head for a while, and tell him he's "Riding You".

Seriously, a Minion that useful is EXTREMELY rare, and a Human no less. Just parade him around for a while and let him think he's actually riding rather than being shown off by you.

Shouldn't you be scrying Acid Burning Pornography?

This isn't suspicious at all.

t. Volcanus Inferno, Flaming One, Great Hothead of Red Dragons

Great. Now he won't get down and he's insisting we go out for a flight. He keeps raving on about "no-misses" and "getting all the multipliers," while thrusting his spear around at the air. He keeps asking me if I have any bombs. Is this normal?

Giving them gold and/or treasures tends to work, as does carrying (but not using) valuable artifacts preferably ones that are in excellent condition.

A name you shan't soon forget

indeed my "friend"

Zog.
No wonder he's so efficient.
We have observed, on occasion, a particular type of human. The "Meta-Gamer". The name comes from a term their party members occasionally refer to them as, and we believe it has to do with Them treating life as a statistical game.
This Human sees nothing but boosts and ways to make himself stronger.

Go for a flight and show him the world, but make sure you make it clear that each time he wants to "Ride", he needs to do something to earn your favor again. These Meta-Gamers love having a constant Rule they can refer to, and it guarentees he'll do yoir bidding more often.

Tell him you still have a duty to protect the city and he needs to arrange for like a backup guardian before you can leave. That should keep him busy for a few hours at least.

HEY YOU GUY'S WHATS GOING ON IN THIS THREAD?!

>tarafat

Get out.

Dude this isn't Womble Veeky Forums

who invited the fatass?

Prismatics are gay!
Force dragon Master Race here.
White dragons are glorified Ice kobolds

Anguirus?

>White dragons are glorified Ice kobolds

I mean you're not wrong.

>Prismatics are gay!
Yeah, fuck those damn Imperials and their blue-haired space princess! Bi-Weaves or nothing!

(It was aeons/eternities/dreams ago, but we/I/mine/ remember it well)

>Floating in the ceaseless sea of eternity/*pretty colors*/oblivion/dissolution
>a dozen lights emerge to disturb the wonder/*fun*/*joy*/madness
>Ruin everything by creating/weaving/mending/*breaking* the spaces

(We have been annoyed/*crumbled*/barred/banned/*S!@#$* ever since).

We need to build a wall to keep these void dragons out.

...

(You cannot contain/bind/bar/remove us little spawnling). (The spawn of Tiamat/whore of the lowest depths/forgotten one/old queen are powerless before our/mine might).

I'm pretty sure it would be easy to filter them out, their speech pattern is very distinctive. I don't know why the mods don't, this nobody likes void dragons anyway.

hey arn't you the guy that wanted to come over to my lair and spy on (and laugh at) mortals?

What the fuck did you just say about me you little wyrmling? I'll have you know I graduated top of my clutch, and have been involved in numerous raids on Celestial compounds, and I have over 300,000 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I am the top flyer in the entire Fiendish armed forces.You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which have never been seen before on any world, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the interway? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the realms and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your heartfire. You're fucking dead, wyrmling. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven thousand ways, and that's just with my bare claws. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, I have full access to the entire arsenal of the Underworld Armed Corps and I will use it to it's full extent to wipe your miserable scales off the surface of the realm, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, wyrmling.

(Indeed). (Do you have any keys/doors/gateways/portals/breaches that we may use to better access the *below*)? (We wish to commune/*party*/*play*/invite our kin over).

theres a gate to the shadowfel.... not sure if that would work for your purposes. hmmmm if you intend to invite others I need to stock up on vittles

>all this /soc/
I know the mods are lazy, but at least try.
Recently picked up the human game of chess. Simple enough I've noticed some of my bolds playing with each other, complex enough I haven't solved it yet. The human-centric piece names kind of irk me, though - it's silly, but does anyone know of alternate names for the units? Or alternate units to spice up opening gambits?

what do you guys eat and drink anways? souls, energy, despair ,cheese?

Fuck you Orz, juffo-wup is truest god.

(Small it may be, but it shall do). (You shall be greatly rewarded/welcomed when we truly arrive, *little starling*).

(The light of your stars, the sweet source of your cosmos, the delectable despair of the *silly ones*, all of this we can derive *sustenance*/*satisfaction*/*enjoyment*/*joy* from.

not entirely sure you wont accidentally destroy the world when you show up but eh, I have back plans for that and it will be an interesting experience

Alright, who wants to form up a posse to hunt this voidnigger down?

I'll join, I think I have a few potions that will severely harm and/or banish that motherfucker.

(The spawn of the five headed whore/Fallen One/Wretched Cur seek to harm us)? (How funny). (We do implore/encourage/*desire*/want you to try). (It shall be a most interesting scenario/experiment/test/*game*).

Arrogant little shit, aren't you? Time to clean out the alien trash.

>be trained Hoardstealer
>devote life to stealing shit from dumbass lizards
>gotten so good at it I bring a painter to capture my moments of plunder

Eat shit you winged rats

(Perhaps you will make good *dessert*/*sauce*/*snacks*)? (It matters not really). (You cannot harm/inconvenience/annoy/slight us, for you are but a mere wyrmling compared to our vastness/*length*).

Got a sweet deal where the local town Sends me their criminals, and sometimes they send up "Sacrifices." It's free food, and they started spicing up a few, absolutely delicious.

Being fat is not something to brag about, voidnigger. Stop eating.

It didn't take long. He pulled in a long list of favors owed to him by all manner of rough, tough, and dangerous looking person.

We went for a ride, and he took it upon himself to ask to fly into a rather dangerous mountain range filled with ice giant, cloud serpent and other dangerous beast. When we left, I was a challenge rating 20 creature. When we returned, I am now challenge rating 22. I am exhausted, a bit wounded, and he is eager to do this again tomorrow.

Help. What do I do about this?

>Double Wyvern

Chronepsis will come for you foul dracolich!

Chronepsis is a weak/frail/*bitch*/tasty creature, and I welcome/*desire*/*hunger* for his attempts.

Send him on a quest that takes a few days so you can heal, then, let him do it again. If nothing else you'll get stronger.

(This cousin agrees/approves/enjoys).

On second thought, does he even care to come? Does he have end hour glass for undead dragon?
He does not need to try because you are already dead. Therefore are under his domain.

>Human lackey is helping you to get more powerfull by munching ony stronger monsters.
>This is somehow bad.

By Tiamat and Bahamut USE THE LITTLE SHIT.
Just treat him like a talking hat.

At least you should allready own sapient magic items anyway so no big difference.

The material planes, elemental planes and astral plane and even the hells and feywild are allready keeping them out.

They can not enter areas that can support proper existence.

They are called VOID dragons for a reason because they have to live in the void.

If one of them were to enter one of the listed planes they'd start to mutate immediately and split of into a dozen or so different propper dragons each with their own personality and ego.

Meaning they get effectively destroyed if they enter while their spawn takes on the forms dictated by the planes they enter.
In the material plane they wouldn't even turn into proper dragons nor drakes.

Daily reminder that Racemixing is morally wrong. We must secure the existence of our kin and a future for our eggs.

WE
WAS
KANGZ

>Pic clearly depicts your ancestors being ridden
Born to be slaves, stop kidding yourself

Tell that to the voidnigger trying to enter our plane and steal our hoards.

Easy to explain to them

>IO was the first void dragon to enter
>Split of into his children but managed to keep his spirit alive by turining into the dragon god.
>His kids degrade over generations until we have the propper dragons (metalics, chromatics and lungs) and demi-dragons (drakes, elemental wyrms, wyverns, kobolds and dragonborn).
>The roles of Dragon Gods are allready taken so any other void dragon who enters is split up and ceases to be forever.
>Their descendants won't even qualify as proper dragons immediately degrading into demi-dragons.
>They are destined to end up as nothing but mounts for Fey, Devils, the Giant races and so on.

Okay Draganons, I have a... weird sitaution.
So, Occasionally, Humans from the nearby nation will come up to my Mountain, and look for me. Few know where I am, and I like it that way.
Now, this is fine, I usuallgy let them enter, play a few psychological games with them (They are so easy to Trick or scare) whatnot, and they do one of three things: They run off like cowards, and I get a free laugh, they Fight me and I get a free snack AND laugh, or they try to "negotiate" (Or the male bards make a laughable attempt at seduction). And I usually get a free snack.

But A few days ago, this happens:
>Chilling in my mountain, big storm outside, love it.
>Suddenly Human walks in, Younger, unarmed and armored, so Of course I assume caster.
>I set up a few silent wards and Stroll out, give my usual "Well little mortal" speech, etc... but He doesn't respond.
>This is odd, but I step it up, and pick him up, loose enough for him to slip out if he though he could "fight," but no. Ha just asks me to "End it quick"
>Turns out, Human was trying to commit Suicide by dragon.
>Now, the nearby town he's from is small, but pretty important to my Collection (I steal their livestock), so I don't immediately want to kill him unless I have to.
>He passed out and I have this guy here under one of my wings at the moment in case it's a trick to steal my stuff.

tl; DR, depressed human tried Suicide by dragon, don't wamt to kill unless I have to because he could be useful,
What do I do?

Hire a psycho-terapeut and have him work in the local town with cooperation of the clergy and city guard.

That may work, but it will take time for hiring, and I want to keep my eye on him in case it's some kind of trick... What do I do with him for, say, the next week? Can't send him back, he'll jump off the cliff or something. Grown to find humans very useful, actually feel bad for the guy (A bit like humans have found a bond with their lesser species, like Pet mice, or dogs).

Give him a scale and name him your "chosen." Send him back to town and have them perform tasks in your name. You gain some loyal followers, some tributes, and he continues being useful. It rarely fails.

I currently have multiple towns under my control using this gambit. Many mortals, most especially humans, will do almost anything to feel special.

Hey are you coming or what? I made my famous 666-layers of the abyss cheese dip

>Sent him to go find me a naturally occuring flying pie
>Figure I won't see him for a long time
>Wake up this morning
>There's a fucking pie floating around the chamber now
>And there's a very angry pie romancer shouting for his wife to come back

The human is working me hard enough to get XP. ME, AT MY AGE? STILL GETTING EXPERIENCE? Do you realize what kind of effort that takes? And to top it all off, now he's wanting me to open a gate to a divine realm so we can go "grind" in there for a while. I told him it's dangerous to do battle with divine creatures, and gods, and I swear he winked behind that visor when he replied
>"it's all good. God's got a hitpoint score, right?"

I made the mistake of asking him last night if he ever thought he could take me on. He reassured me that he'd save me for "at least optional boss territory."

>this thread is finally dead
Thank god. This furfag shit belongs in /trash/

Lie to him.
Say you put him under a curse for offending you for trying to kill him self via using you.
Tell him that if he wishes to day he has to complete a number of tasks for you.

As soon as he gets a taste of advenutre he's going to cheer up.
Infuse him with a bit of your blood to turn him into a sorcerrer to make sure he has a chance to survive.

If all goes well you shall have a extremely loyal minion.

Do make sure that you tell him that the curse was a lie after he gets over it.

Open a gate towards the void and pretend someone messed with your casting if he manages to come back.

or the shadowfel

That picture you? Looks cute.

This, I did it myself once. Trips don't lie.

Sounds like one hell of a personal trainer. Just tell him you need more levels before you're ready to take on a god. He'll understand.

Optional boss? But he already takes orders from you. Is there something I'm missing?

Might Try this method, Seems Like it could help the guy out. Might magically infuse the scale with something to observe him with so I make sure he doesn't off himself on the way back.
Are you... trying to hit on me via runes on IVchan?

If you're that worried why not just carry him back?

See, I mentioned earlier that not many people know I'm here. I'm okay with Rumor, but to directly reveal myself? I'd have to come out of the shadows, even if only for that town. Do NOT want to risk it. (Also, Other dragons may hear confirmed reports rather than mere rumor, and may decide to raid me.

It's your call, but if suicidal teenagers can track you down you're probably not as well hidden as you think.

Funny enough I did ask how he found me during my intimidation bit, and supposedly he'd been a lorekeeper's apprentice for a while. When I asked how he knew I was here, he disturbingly said he didn't for sure, and that seemed to imply to me that he would have lept from my mountain had the rumors been false. Good news is, I'm obscured by myth enough still, but bad news is, you're right, it only took a human a few years of research to hear of me. (though I've been told years seem long in Human lifetimes).

Depending on the type of metagamer, that's very, very dangerous. If he hasn't put all his efforts into combat, there's a good chance he can see through any lie.

Of course I am. Cute gal, has a nice little pet,cares for it... what's not to love...?

>I share a board with dragons like this

>The maddrake Made the comment in the first place
>She clearly seems offput by the oddity
>He responds
>And tries HARDER to flirt with her
>Over an anonymous interdimentional Tapestry board.

Thanks, but it's enough trouble taking care of ONE small creature.