Surprise Field Kit Inspection!

>He'd quietly walk over towards the mottley crew, before proceeding stare into the eyes of Gremlyn B.

Does my bionic eye deceive me, or was I witnessing you CHUCKLEFUCKS, talking too each other in line, while I was talking!?

And where in the EMPEROR'S NAME, did you get all those explosives! BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL OUT OF ORDER!

>He'd begin to rearrange the way the man's explosives were organized, so that they would be both easier to grab, as well as by size of the explosion they would make.

Its Grenades on the belt, high explosives on the chest! Get it right the first time!

Atleast ONE of you Grocery FUCKERS, knows how to DRESS, and act!

>He'd pull the man out of the line, and would point t him out to everyone else.

This gentlemen! Is what PERFECTION, as well as proper ASSKISSING looks like! Take note of it, and you may one day get a proper burail when you die!

Is this about the Grenade colouring? Because it had BETTER BE! I mean, these fucking things look like SANGUINILA DAY EGGS! NOT GRENADES!

Wait you guys are imperial not khornate? Damn it I'm on the wrong side of the battlefield. So... Uh... This is awkward. Do you want to fight me now or would you prefer I go back to the other side first?

Sir! I have organized all of my weaponry and equipment according to fashion sir! Also, I know who did the grenades, but sadly, he transferred to another regiment.

Heh. I can give a demonstration about how to modify your lasgun without drawing the ire or triggering the Admech.

Well then.... go back to the other side, I suppose. I'm in a good mood today.

Emperor DAMMIT! Now who Me I supposed to shoot in the kneecaps in order to-...
....
>He'd pull out his Bolt pistol, Nd would fire a shot into both the man's kneecaps.

NOW I FEEL BETTER!

Yes. When will our next combat assignment be, sir! I hope its not chaos. Fuck, that would be terrible. Especially not slanneshi cultists!

>He shoots himself in the kneecap to satisfy the angry old man, and he feels no pain, because it is actually a prosthetic
Is it alright now?

>A weary eyed figure would enter the line, giving off a mock salute and flicking aside his half-burnt lho only to light another one
"Yeah, can we hurry this up, luv? Ain't got all day to waste sitting around in a trash heap watching time fly by along with the innards of my colleagues, at least not while sober"
>He'd blankly stare at the commisar
"Now that's just an utterly fucking vulgar display of power, no showmanship at all, I say"

W-well, you see my stomach didn't take too well to yesterday's corpse starch rations so I had to sit on the field shitter for a few hours. At first it wasn't that bad except for a the heat, being a cramped plasteel box and all, so I took off the uniform. Then the smell started getting to me, so I put on the rebreather. Then I got bored so I started fieldstripping my lasgun but then the call came and as I was rushing to finish up, I dropped my gun in the shitter. S-see?

Well, aren't you just the pinnacle ASSKISSING, AND BOOT LICKING! So good job! You just earned yourself a gold star for the day!

>He would go into his ear, and whisper
Look. I don't like the rations either, and eat them on last resort. I just cook my own food. Once I'm out of the guard, I hope to become a chef. I can offer to cook the food, if you don't feel good.

Sir, I've taken the liberty of improving the fortifications of this forward base by laying spike traps around the perimeter. I've marked their positions on this map.
>he hands the commissar a piece of parchment

GOOD JOB TROOPER!

>He'd then shoot him in the other kneecap.

But you're getting ahead of yourself! ONLY I GET TOO SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE KNEECAPS!

Oh, well I'm SORRY THAT LITTLE BABY NEEDS TOO GO FOR HIS NAPPY-WAPPY!

As for my lack of "showmanship", you're god damn right! I leave that for the actual fighting!

An excellent use of your time trooper! I'd often have to take similar measures when I was in training! After we're done here, get yourself, and your equipment cleaned up!

Why in ROGAL DORN'S NAME, IS THIS MAP COVERED IN SHIT!?!

He would only stare after being shot in the other kneecap, and then say "fuck".
He would take a look at the map, and tell the commissar that is mud, not shit.

Not really, I'm quite well situated in the sleeping department. By which I mean I wake up bawling and pissing the sheets. And why the fuck would you show showmanship on a battlefield? That's quite dense, that there.

Why in the Gof Emperor's name, are you narrating your actions trooper!? You think this some kind of Noir holo-pict!?

...Actually... That might not be such a bad idea...

>He'd think to himself for a moment.

Keep doing what you're doing trooper, and you might just make it to Corporal!

Here is an idea for a dish involving grox, and based off elysian cuisine. It basically is a soup, and shreds the grox into the soup. It is made from fresh herbs, and spices. It is simple to make, and is very healthy.

Just like a baby, by which I mean bawling and pissing the sheets

I am a corporal, sir. I was transferred here from the Cadian troops to help with this regiment.

Offtopic: P.S. this is Lars Doomhammer

First off all, make sure you clean your sheets later today! We don't need the place smelling worse than it already does!

Secondly; sometimes I like to switch things up a bit while on the battlefield! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? IF SO, THAN TAKE IT UP WITH THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT!

I could make it for the troops during dusk.

Well, Corporal Doomhammer! Keep doing what you're doing and inspiring these half dead sacks of frozen meat!

Offtopic:
Probably his theme song:
youtube.com/watch?v=8aQRq9hhekA

First of all, recognise sarcasm, second of all, you are the fucking complains department, you-"
>he proceeds to blurt out a line of words seemingly unknown to man
"-son of a cow's third testicle"

Not especially relevant at this time, but this thread is set in M39.

Thanks for the info mate.

*chuckle* where do you get these insults from? They aren't even insulting!

>He'd cross his arms over his chest, and would listen to the string of profanity rather carefully; occasionally nodding his head.

You've got balls talking to me that way, trooper. I'll give you that. Balls that an Ork would probably love to hang on his "Pointy stikk".

>He'd place a hand on the man's shoulder.

And I can respect a man whose willing to talk to his superior that way. But I can't let you get away with that. So....

*BLAMS*

ANYONE ELSE!?

Oi ladz, 'erd ya gotz sum inspekshun goin' on 'ere, dat is. Da big golden boss sent me 'ere ta 'elp ya grotz.

My god! An ork
>He takes a shot at it from his lasgun. It is straight in the head.
Good. It has been neutralized.

That's a terrific looking Space Marine costume you're wearing there trooper! Make those filthy Xenos we're fighting, believe we actually have Space marines fighting alongside us! I never would have thought of such a clever and cunning tactic until now!

I hearby promote you to Sergeant, uhh... What did you say your name was again, trooper?

Wow. You even missed that, you fucking disgrace. You got the accuracy of an ork sniper, you twat.
>he flicks his lho at him, only to light up another one
All a courtesy of your mother, mate.

Wuz dat sapposed ta 'urt ya runt? I'z a Spehss Muhreen, not sum git. But dey'z orkses really are sum of da biggest, greenest and meanest gits, I tell ya dat

Don't shoot him you idiot! That's not how command works! I decide who needs to be shot, not you!

Yes sir!
>I say, with a discerning look.

The Xenos will deal with you! That, or the artillery fire will! Either or!
Good idea Sergeant! Keep telling people that you're a space marine! It'll really raise the morale around here, by making everyone think this wretched agri-world is worth a visit from the Emperor's Angels of Death!

He stares at the thing
My apologies, sir... I... I was cleaning my lasgun, until one of the new barrels which I installed failed. My apologies. This isn't a normal lasgun, this is a heavily modified M36 Kantreal Lasgun. I once killed an ork warboss with this gun.

Anyways, sir. I think it is time for supper to be served. I have a dish idea.

Yes. In fact, I think that I better get started with my task.

Oh? At this point, almost anything would be better than what the cooks are serving!

Just nothing made of human flesh!

I have also re-assembled the servitor which was broken.

And yes, those blasted Orks truely are a terrible race to deal with on the battlefield! Why they ever came to this tiny, little agri-world, I'll never understand! There are far better planets to attack in this system!

Here is the dish:
I also have plans for a hearty bread dish to be served, along with roasted lamb with elysian rosemary. There is also some victory wine being served as well.

I agree. Some farmers have been complaining about feral orks taking their crops. They request for us to deal with them.

Or are we facing Necron? I can't remember... For that matter, I'm not even sure what kind of a regiment this is... I was told this was a Cadian regiment!

>a wild-eyed man stumbles towards the line, occasional spurts of noxious coloured gas puffing from his rebreather
Hehehey, Commissar. Am I in time for *cough* inspection?
>he twitches, wheezing slightly

Victory w-wine? Why *cough* wait for the victory, eh? Crack it open!

This isn't a cadian regiment, sir. One raised from the system of Dogaba. I am from cadia, and I'm here to train some of these troops.

No wine fore, thank you! I act a little... Strange... When under the influence of alcohol...

>Intense flashbacks of a drunken Commissar...

You hit one little exterminatus button, and suddenly, YOUR THE BAD GUY!

>the guardsman is wearing a badly damaged flak armor that is missing a few chunks and a helmet full of pockmarks
>armed with a lasgun with a broken bayonet
>the trooper littered with bandages and
Reporting Sir!

I am making the dish soon. I must change, first. Let me take off this bulky armor.
>From the face of it shows a man who has many scars, especially one on his left eye. He has distinct maori features, and he looks stern, a man well in the middle of his 20's.

No! You're late! And you better not have been late because you were out playing in the Mustard gas fields to the east again!

You are late, then. Where were you? Anyways, I am cooking a dish(s). Alright, I believe it is done. We will begin preparations soon.

what was dis about orks? I was told there'd be tyranids! ye administratum lads coulnt tack papers much less give actual info.

Since im here might as well have some fun with ye ork problem. Oh yea the equipment, that's me royal hammer. Its got a shotgun here and breaks open here, here's me boltpistol there's da book o grudges. I left my trike on my ship, ye want me to go get it?

I fink I 'erd da boyz sayin' dey want to use dis world jus' as a distrakshun ta loot da planit on da far outside uf da system, maybe we betta go dere and not fight on dis planit 'ere, dere's nuffin 'ere anyway, no titans ta loot lyin' unda da earth, ya know.

Are you threatening me?

...

>He'd storm up to the man, an angered look in his one good eye.
>He stare at him silently for a moment, before flicking off a piece of debris from hair.

Late, AND you have the audacity to arrive covered in garbage! What do you have to say for yourself, trooper?

Welcome there, come sit. We are serving dinner for the time being, before we strike.

Now thats more like it. Hang on i got a couple bottles here...
>casually pulls 2 bottles of squat mushroom beer from his armour
there we go. Also, did i mention the hammer's also a power maul? Woulnt be worth much if it wasnt i s'pose. Said yer name was Lars right?

You don't know that, there could be some weird artifact, or STC.

Another Commissar!? What is the meaning of this! I was told I was the only Commissar in this regiment!

I'm not even sure "What" we're fighting anymore!

As for your equipment, I don't care what it is, so long as you have "Something".

Well Sergeant whatever your name is. We're here, so we might as well earned a little glory, and kill well... Whatever it is we're supposed to be fighting against.

Aw, c-come on sir - a bit of mustard gas *wheeze* never hurt anyone!

N-No tyranids? Damn shame; you ever had concentrated Tervigon ichor? Wakes ya right up, I'm tellin' ya.

Oho, what ya got there pally? Fancy *giggle* sharin'?

Just the thousand plus men, that we accidentally killed, when we fired all that mustard gas into the area! Plus, you're late for inspection because you were playing in it!

I think the catachans have something they want you 'inspect', sir

Yes, yes, sum afi...atri...sum flashy bitz, but it'z on da uvva side of da planet, da boss, da one wiv da biggest hat told me! Betta go dere fast or da boss krumps us!

>The weary eyed man would sigh
"If only they could fucking succeed for once"
"Is that squat beer, mate?"
>he looks at the man, licking his lho and lighting another one

Someone here has a BIGGER hat than me! HOW DARE THEY! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW MUCH WORK I WENT THROUGH TO EARN THIS HAT!?!

Give me a week, and I'll make damn SURE that you die honourably in the name of the Emperor, trooper whatever your name is!

Of course it is! Damn good thing i had some in my ship when the Age of the end came. Managed to engineer squat mushrooms back from extinction to make as much ale as needed. Took me a solid 50 years to do that.
'Course lad. The best way to enjoy alcohol is with people.
>he hands him another bottle from his armour.

It'z da big boss, an' 'e wants ya all movin' to da uvva side of da planit, dats were da boyz gunna start a scrappin.

Strange? I just read a report this morning talking about enemy movement fifteen miles west of here... Plus all the satellite imagery says that most of the Orks are gathering there.... What proof of this do you have Sergeant?

Emprah bless ya, sir!
>he screws the bottle into one of the myriad ports on his rebreather, which lets out a hiss
>his eyes roll back as the bottle drains
Damn, that's s-some good liquor.

Say, I ain't never seen a guardsman so, uh... green before - where you from, my man?

Ye should be careful there, lad. Marines used to say that squat mushroom ale was only slightly less powerful than fenrisian ale with a more hearty taste. ye'll end up face down in 2 minutes if you drink so fast.

Nah, doze reports been wrong, sum git must 'ave mixin' dem up, or ya'z holdin' dem on da wrong side.

Drank a lot of da squig beer in da mornin', ya want sum?

How da hell did ye get yer hands on squig beer? Only Orks can make that awful excuse for a drink.

I'll t-take whatever you're *hack* offerin', man.
>he unscrews a tube from his respirator and sticks a funnel in the end
Just pour it riiight in here.

Hah, it'll take more than that to keep me... to keep me do... down...
>he wobbles, before sinking slowly to the ground
>after a few seconds, rasping snores can be heard

Oh no, I shan't be making THAT sort of mistake again! Never again will o read a report the wrong way! It always leads to trouble!

I'll beat the good Sergeant lead a cunning and sneaky assault into the enemy base, and stole it all, in order to lower their morale! Which to that I say, "good work, Sergeant"!

Look at him over there! Filling the Box waves with static like noises, all in an effort to confuse the enemy into thinking their communication devices are malfunctioning! Good work trooper!

Again? It had better not be them wanting to show me, what the inside of a Tyranid's anus looks like!

Da bugs don' 'ave a poopa. I knowz dat, chopped one up from da inside after 'e swallowed me 'ole

I had to hobble from the medical tent then to the armory.

The enginseer won't give me new gear, so i had to wear my old one.

You should have thought about that, BEFORE you went and got shot at! Maybe now, you'll learn not to let the enemy shoot at you!

Oh, is that so? Well your mother was frankly screaming it all night, ought to listen more carefully
>he chuckles
Ah, no better way to deal with the miserable toil that is life than fine squat ale. Makes you forget in seconds.

>a small vial attached to one of the mask's tubes empties itself with a hiss, and a red LED next to it switches on
>he immediately sits bolt upright
Wuh! You, sir, are a damn saint! I ain't had nothin' that good in a long time.

>he looks proud, if somewhat confused
Thank you, sir! D-Did you know I finished n-nearly *cough* first in the class for my VoxOp course? Thems the sorta advanced tactics you gotta know at the top, I'm tellin' ya!
>he straightens out an antenna protruding from the vox unit, bent from the sudden fall

...

*BLAM!*

Alright, what have I missed? Who wants to go kill some orks!

I s'pose so. here, have another
>he hands another bottle
No problem, private. Nice thing about squat ale is dat its technicly not alcohol. It has all the effects of alcohol right into the mushroom and distilling it simply increases its effects while keeping most fine motor controls intact.

Thats the kind of ambition that this regiment is in DIRE need of!

I hereby promote you to Corporal, and I'm designating you as regiment's offical communications officer!