FIELD KIT INSPECTION!

Morning Gents!

Now, I know what you're all going to ask me; "Commissar Knochenmus! Why is Corporal Davidson running around the desert naked, while our own snipers take pot shots at him?". To which my only reply is; he asked to do it.

So while the regiment's snipers slowly learn how to finally hit a moving target, and as we await new orders from Command; I figured I'd have you all do a surprise field kit inspection! So present arms for a field kit inspection! And remember, if your Entrenchment Tool has a hole in it, it just means that the Emperor's light shines more directly upon you!

Reporting for duty sir!

The only thing I was given sir

Good to see somebody is actually on time! But you showed up without your rank insignia Corporal! I know that it's 52 degrees Celsius out here in the desert! But you simply CAN'T be out here, without your insignia! How else will snipers know to shoot you, over somebody else in line!?

Not being given a uniform is no excuse to NOT WEAR A UNIFORM TROOPER! Now go take one off of one of the men, who died of heat stroke!

Right away, sir!

I like this uniform sir, but I dont think it fits me.

Don't forget to cross out whomever name it is, and replace it with yours! Otherwise I won't be able to properly fill out the paperwork when you die!

sir, i accidentally dropped my lasgun into a pit, and i diligently fished it out, and the mud stuck to it so tightly i can no longer scrape it off, and it now looks like a hotshot volley gun

also sir, i would like to report that my clothing was accidentally washed with the darks, and it has darkened so much that it now looks liek carapace armor

also, i overheard a scion babbling in the latrine, his mind is far gone and believes that he lost all his equipment to a gambling table

forgive me sir, my equipment still works so have mercy on me

You're right! But it makes your head look incredibly tiny, in comparison to the rest of your body! Therefore, enemy snipers will more likely fire at your body, rather than your head! Its brilliant thinking, and pure tactical genius at work!

Reporting for duty sir. Sorry i'm a little late but with the sucsess of my experimental multimetlas I had to go get my experimnetal plasma guns to try out today.
>the "plasma gun" are just Gauss flayers painted blue and red with skulls added on

Sir yes sir! The desert is taking a beating on the machines, and with your permission I could try to sand-proof the machines. I can also fetch some domestic animals for the troops to ride on.

No need to apologise trooper! What you've done, is absolutely BRILLIANT! Now the enemy will believe we were assigned a unit of Tempestus Scions, making them fear for the inevitable sneak attack that will never come! Absolutely BRILLIANT!

Good work Tech-priest! With your technical genius, and my tactical cunning and ingenuity; nothing could POSSIBLY stop this regiment!

Sir, if I may. I recieved a transmission from command. We are being transferred to the Fuel World locked in a civil war of Alterevis VII.

Reporting for duty Sir! Whats it this time? Orks? Renegades? Deamons? If its Orks we could trick them by sending commandos to infiltrate and have one of them say in orkish voice "Dere is nuff dakka" and see them fight each other as the "dakka" ones fight the "choppa" ones

but what about the xenos a few kloms to the north?

This is absolute Madness! We were just deployed here less than a day ago, to deal with some kind of uprising! Where the hell is Corporal Van Kleez when you need him!?

sir, it looks like my lasgun can tear holes in this piece of power armor that a visiting astartes left behind in the latrine

it looks like the mud has somehow made it far more focused

also, it looks like the babbling scion died to the trench plague, the sickness quickly induced necrosis that left scars eerily similar to lasbolt wounds

aso, sir, i found my nametag

Sorry sir, we are being tranported immediately, under orders. It explicitly states it here, and we must leave. The ships will arrive in a few hours, with our replacements, with Tallarn sent here.

I tried that tactic once before, back when I was a junior Commissar on the ice world of Logoth 4. The Orks ended up making bullets out of ice and snow. Each one, the length of an arm...

>the Trai Dat Guerilla skulks out of the bushes
Reporting, sir.

Shit, is it m-morning already?

Reporting *wheeze* for duty, sir. Just gimme a couple minutes to w-wake up.
>he rummages in a pocket for a small canister, which he screws into a port on his rebreather
>he breathes deeply and his pupils dilate
Ah, that oughta do it.

how can you be sure those orders are for us? we dont even know what regiment we are!

No! I utterly REFUSE too let those damned Tallerns, take all the glory! Think they're so much better than us, at desert warfare, just because they were born on a desert world!

Even BETTER! Now the enemy will believe we have Astartes with us! That'll show the enemy who's boss!

Good job on finding your name tag, trooper! You get a gold star on my report!

Yes. It states the orders for the Unknown (marked by a sideways 8) Regiment, and we are to take counter-terrorism activities on that planet.

Why are the tallern assigned here ITS AN ICEWORLD

It states that if you do not leave immediately, the commanding officer will be thrown out of the airlock, and the regiment disbanded.

And the Cog boy is right! Until we've figured out what regiment we are, we can't just go off all "Willy nilly" and leave, right before we obtain any glory! And we especially can't leave before some of you have died for the Emperor! What kind of regiment would we be, if we did that!?

sir, we might be a bigger regiment

We need to check out the potential eldar force north of us.

I believe we could do one quick raid before we leave on a xeno outpost.

Odd... I do think remember there being any bushes over there... I bet the enemy had something to do with this! Tactical genius is what it is! Trying to slowly terraform this desert world, into a jungle world, so that they can sneak attack us! BRILLIANT!!

About time, Corporal!

This only further proves my therapy that the enemy is slowly terraforming the planet, so that they can sneak attack us!

Their commander must be a tactical genius!

I call all the eldar tech! or necron tech or tau tech or really any xenos tech but ork tech

sir, are you sure there just arent different biomes on this planet?

according to this book on geology a passing adept graciously passed to me upon his death, most planets can have dozens of biomes

Nonsense! We have plenty of soon to be corp- I MEAN-! Soon to be HEROES! Soon to be heroes! That's what all of you will be!

Pah! Reading a book! What are you? Some kind of nerd?

Back in my day, when I was a Junior Commissar! We didn't have your fancy-smancy "books"! We had guts, a sense of duty, and plenty of guns! Then again, that was also the back when the high-lords of Terra banned books for a an entire year...

>Frantically running back and forth around the base
Quartermaster... Quartermaster... Why don't we label buildings...

Yes, yes. Just don't let it corrupt you, or what not. I don't like wasting bolt rounds if I can help it.
This isn't the first time I've recieved this sort of order. And I highly doubt it will be the last!

Hmm... Now that I think about. I haven't exactly SEEN your commander since I was assigned here. So I'll assume that's likely already happened to him!

Corporal! You're once again late for the inspection! What is your blasted excuse!? You better not have been trying a "Lawrence of Arabia" out in the desert!

It's a tactical manoeuvre, ya see - if the enemy raid, they won't be able t-to see where the commanders are holed up. Then they can escape *cough* while the rest of us act as meatshields.

I've been searching for a Quartermaster for the better part of the day. I'm starting to believe we don't have one.

You can see Doomhammer on a sentinel, painted in his desert camaflouge, with his armour.
>WE MUST STRIKE
Charge!

Ah yes, the age old "We're more important" tactical retreat! I know that one very well! The tactica imperium describes it rather well.

Under supplied, and undermanaged. Just the way I like my regiments!

Fine then! As of this moment forward, I hereby declare you the quartermaster! Should the men not get the equipment they need; I'll still continue to blame them, as they'll have no reason to not be able to find the quartermaster!

>curses under my breath
T-thank you, Sir... Now where's the building... and the gear... and the everything... Do I get a pay raise?

I'll answer your questions in the order you provided them.

No idea, go find it yourself, and no you don't get a raise! Are there any further questions you have Corporal?

Strike? Strike what? Strike where? Where the hell are you going!? And why are you describing your actions as if you're in an old noir holo-pict!?

>looks down, saddened at my lack of regimental currency
I'll get to work then...

Good!

Now then! Can anybody tell me what we're supposed to be fighting, or even who we are? Its been weeks since the Orks slaughter, and no body has been able to tell me a damn thing!

So *wheeze* Commissar, what's the p-plan of action? So f-far we've got some unknown xenos up north, some rampaging orks t-that are likely to be back any *cough* day now, and some unexplained orders to s-scuttle off to Emperor knows where. S-Seems like we've got *hack* plenty to choose from.

When the hell did the Orks get here!? Also, we're facing eldar as WELL? Hmm... Quite the conundrum we have here, don't we?

Hmm...


By the Emperor, I think I've got an idea! An idea so brilliant, that even an idiot could have thought it up!

brb

We aggravate the Orks into attacking the Eldar!

Its a plan so cunning, that my superiors will have no CHOICE but to promote me!

also, it got REALLY quiet in here.

I could look on the requisitions order in the Quartermasters office... if we had one...

My ammo sack itches.
Also my hooves hurt.
And my exoskeleton is too tight.
When do we eat?

What strange form of a human are you? I feel like I've seen your specie's somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on it...

Also, lunch is in a few hours trooper. So suck it up until then!

>A sleepy squat still in full armour walks out of the ship
What's with all the screaming at 6 in the bloomin mornin!? Ye lads never heard about the benefits of not being sleep deprived? By the ancestors you commisars are a pissed lot.
>Grabs a new bottle of squat beer from his armour and chugs it down, throwing the empty bottle in a nearby bush.

Are my implants malfunctioning or is what I think it is? I think a squat would be a expert

Reinforcements from the squat homeworlds sir.

Glad you could finally join us, Ironhammer! I'll assume you're in enough of a drunken stupor, that you don't realise that we're on a desert world.

I though this was an iceworld

whats that, lad?
>Looks at the warrior
>looks back at cogboy
>back at the warrior
>Chugs another bottle and throws it at the tyranid.
Its a fucked up world is what it is.

Ah! Carry on then good, oddly shaped squat! You're making the imperium proud by fighting with us!
He's merely another Squat. Albeit, oddly shaped, and doesn't look ANYTHING like a Squat! But he's still a Squat!

Nope! Desert world! Hence why Davidson is STILL running around naked, out on the dunes, while our snipers fire at him!

what other squat?
I'm the only squat here, anything else must clearly be some sort of space vagrant and not from the squat homeworlds.

> pulls out sacred oils and begins to drink heavily
Im gonna study that biology so hard
Kazrik is a squat, thing that is totally not a tyranid warrior

Uhuh. hey could you do me a solid and look at this real quick, "lad"?
>pulls up book of grudges and opens page on "Tyranids" chapter which takes a quarter of the book
This illustration is that of a tyranid warrior, same kind that stabbed me ancestors with 37 different claws. And funny enough it looks like yer twin bruther!

>whispers to the guardsman next to him
"Is the Commissar just going to pretend that that very obvious Tyranid warrior isn't cocking up the whole formation?"

By the way. That's quite the oddly shaped lasgun you have there! What pattern is it, if you don't mind me asking?

its voss pattern of course, make a lot of odd stuff on that forge world
>winks
> he let me and the world eater in so probably
he let the world eater in

Reporting for duty commissar, for grand fat-..the emporer and glory

>He'd storm up to the chatty Guardsmen, hand upon his holstered pistol.

Do you have something you'd like to add to the conversation, trooper?

Also! Where is your name tag?

>Comes back wearing a Krieg style gasmask
Commissar. I found the Quartermaster's building. It was disguised as a complex tunnel and bunker system

Glad too see such a fine looking, green and grey coloured trooper join our ranks!

Although, I suggest you get a new uniform trooper! Yours appears to be torn up and covered in pus and blood!

Look here fancy bearded snack-man, I'm the one who's actually from the squat homeworlds here, now would you kindly just wait a few hours until the commissar appointed time of feasting begins?

That is because it is based on superior squat biology! I mean.. Technology!

"A-Ah, NO, sir! Uh, Glory to the Emperor, sir!"
>dusts mud and dried blood off of nametag with free hand
"Right here, sir! Sorry, sir!"

Congratulations Quartermaster! Now go help with finding a new uniform!

it is a blessing, err I mean tactical choise sir, when I lie down people think I'm dead so I can get up and spread the fa- emporers wrath to the xenos

You seem wounded, let me treat you for a second
with bleach and oxyclean

Good lad, private Harkins!

>He'd Pat the man lightly on the cheek.

Perhaps we'll make a Guardsmen out of you yet! And with my cunning, and tactical genius, you may even get to live long enough to make it to Corporal!

>Begins to guffaw heartily
well, i dint know tyranids had a sense of humor. Anyway, ye sniffling timid puss-filled pee soaked ooze-lover, tell me. Does this boltpistol smell like the genocide of an entire race to you?
>shoots it in the nose

COMMISAR I HAVE FOUND A HERETEK, he is putting something on me that is ruining my TACTICAL DISGUSE so I cant venerate the dar- EMPORER.

IT ALSO HURTS

uhhhh....
>tightens the straps on the gasmask
Hi there...

hello there fellow meat shield in sevice to the greatest god of all and only true god.
how are you today?

He's right. you need something a bit better than that. here have this
>Hands cogboy a bottle of squat ale
I've been holding onto this one for a couple thousand years or so. I think it might have passed the 100% limit that alcohol can usually reach.

>The Commissar would squint his one good eye, and refocus the blue light of his bionic eye, as he takes a closer look at the man.

Dear God Emperor!

That's a BRILLIANT IDEA! We throw so many men at the enemy in a fake assault, that once the battle ends, and they try to counter attack, we have the dozens upon dozens of men we had hidden before the battle, come out, and ambush the enemy!

With tactical brilliance like yours, you'll likely be halfway to colonel by the end of the year!

>Attempts to look confident at the Commissar's statement, instead looks dubious
"Ah, yes, sir. Of course, sir!"

oh feth, HELP MEEEEEE HERESY, HERSY
FATHER NURGLE HELP

>explode in a shower of spores

Its good too see all of you getting along so well! I was sure that by the end of my first month, you'd all have killed eachother, rather than die GLORIOUSLY in the name for the Emperor!

Surely It must be my mighty Charisma, and awe-inspiring leadership abilities! Its the only logical explanation!

glad that worked
Hold your breath my meaty squat friend
Such a fool calling me a heretek EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS IM A HERETEK

>boltpistol
Commissar this vagrant has clearly been stealing from either the adeptus astartes or Adeptus Sororitas!
Also everything tastes like brain matter.

>hands the commissar a form titled "Request to call the Commanding officer a mildly insulting name"

I just got promoted so... It's alright.
Oh...

>Tries to hold breath as spores shower the ranks of troopers, waits for the inevitable to occur.

Dear God Emperor! ...The man was so zealous, that he killed himself, in order to be by the Emperor's side! Now that is PURE loyalty, and dedication to the God Emperor!

The rest of you ought to take along look at yourselves, after such a magnificent display of loyalty!

Alright then, if you truly are from a squat homeworld. Why dont you tell me your ancestry? Lets make it easy and tell me atleast the five first generations and the original founding of your family. Any pureblood squat knows that by the back of their hand.

no he's just helping me field test my latest technological innovations! Nice "voss" pattern "laz gun" by the way >whispering Im going to dissected you and find out how you can work outside synapse
corporal ! Try out this new stable plasma gun!
>its a Gauss flayer painted blue and red with skulls glued on it

YOU PUNY MAN, COME TO ME AND I WILL CRUSH YOU

BY THE WAY DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TAKE LORD KHORNE INTO YOUR LIFE?

>hands the commissar a form titled "Request to call the Commanding Officer a slightly insulting name"
Will I be vaporized when it gets angry?

Request denied trooper! I. The time you would spend doing such an act, would be better suited to killing the enemies of mankind, and devoting yourself to the God-Emperor!
HERETEK!?! WHERE!? SHOW ME WHERE HE IS, OH LOYAL TECH-PRIEST, AND I SHALL HAVE HIM MEET THE EMPEROR'S JUDGEMENT!