FIELD KIT INSPECTION!

Eh, I do notice the bloodhound is loose again. Permission to requisition a squiq-plushie for him to chew on?

AXEI TELLS ME YOUR INSULTING ME. HE ASLO SAYS THAT BLOODHOUNDS ARE RARE OUTSIDE OF THE PRIME WORLDS OF ULTRAMAR.

AXEI WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DOGS?

You people KNOW I can't read your drugged up gibberish, when it's on a pipe!
Nobody yet, good Captain!

That's reminds me though... Which of our glorious company's are you the Captain of again? There seems to have been some clerical error, and I can't find any sign of you in regimental records.
Good man, Trooper Riverglow! You'll go far in this regiment, if you keep both your name tag, and your lasgun in proper order!
Reports seem to indicate, that they are the local Imperial guard forces here on this Hive world of Promendus. They appear to be aided by foul cultists, who will obviously, be trying to out do, my superior tactical ingenuity!

They however, shall fail! For Local command as order us to be the only regiment needed, to wipe them out!

Well, Khorne does seem to like dogs as well as bulls, rams and other such animals, bloodhound seems to fit your status as a hunter for Khorne.

i think the traitor might be the the khorne berzerker
but i don't want to say unbased accusation

*cough* Reporting in, s-sir.

Y-you know, I might *wheeze* have some idea who the traitor is. C-call it a hunch.

I AM FROM THE FAR HUNT DISCORDIA THRID COMPANY. LAST SURVIVING MEMBER OF THE FAR HUNT DISCORDIA THIRD COMAPANY.
HE LIKES GROX HOUNDS AND FLESH TEARING BULLS THEY ARE REALY REALY HARD TO KILL. I WANTED ONE WHEN I SAW IT. ALSO SHUT UP WHITCH MAN, YOU ARE A PYKER YOU SHALL NOT TALK OF MY LORD

Erhm, mister Commissar? I 'ave a question, if ya don' mind.

WHO IS IT, WHO CAN I OFFER TO MY LORD?
>I rev my chain axe with the captive demon of tzeech inside letting out an audible groan of "idiot"

Congratulations on making it to the inspection on time for once, Corporal Van Kleez! Because of your tendancy to arrive late, I had to improvise, and have some other trooper, temporarily take over the task of radio operator!

Eh, if you say so. I'll also make sure to never use telepathy on you, I'm afraid the most common blessing of Khorne, simple-minded-idiocy is contagious.

Ah, yes! I figured you were from our glorious Third company!
...
......
...That's the one made up entirely of infantry, correct?

Ask your question, trooper Riverglow! But make it a good one!

IT IS NO SCOUTS AND LANDING VHERCALS .... OR AT LEAST IT WAS...-sniffle- NO I AM NOT CRYING BLOOD, SHUT UP

Where did we pick up that shoutin' fellow? He looks really estatic about tis' whole thing.

Ah shit, what kinda moron did you let on my set this time? The last one m-managed to strip all the labels off the dials, and then called air support on our position *cough* while trying to order supplies.

is this laser gun fit for duty, commissar?

WHEN YOUR SQUAD WAS FIGHTING ELDAR LITTLE MAN, IT WAS GLORIOUS AND THE ADMECH WAS VERY NICE. HE EVEN THREATEND ME ONCE, SUCH A GOOD GUY...YOU COMMISARS A IDIOT THOUGH.
> I pick up the guardsmen by the laples with on arm

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

N-no mister shoutin' m-man... I-i was just askin'...

Why, he's our replacement third company Captain! And he is one of our most loyal troopers! For his love of Corn, as his people call the Emperor, is unmatched by all but a few in this regiment!

I question not your rare ability to cry blood, Captain. But I do need you to present your arms, and armour for inspection. For while I do not doubt your loyalty to the Emperor. I mustn't show favouritism to anyone in this regiment. Lest the Traitor in our midst use kindness against us!

It is suitable trooper, if you are of the Tempestus Scions. BUT I CANNOT TELL, DUE TO YOUR LACK OF NAME TAG!

"GOOD THEN"
> I drop him back on the gorund and send him sprawling with a heavy handed pat on the back

NICE LITTLE MAN.

OKAY PUNNY MAN [let me figure out how ta do it]

Ah yes... I remember Corporal Hue'man... He was a good man, and loyal soldier. Until I had to execute his green colour body, for that incident...

HERE PUNNY MAN

I guess that includes me as well. I trust you'll find this satisfactory?

Sorry to interupt but update on that feral world a dark eldar cabal has joined the violence and so much blood has been shed there that a warp rift has opened and vomited some very red frenzied angry tau

sorry, commissar
not a scion, those glory boys stole my nametag, in fact
do not worry sir, i took it back

Ah yes. Your glorious Astarte's disguise holds true! It shall confuse the enemy into believing that they are actually worthy of fighting the unbridled wraith and might of the Astartes!

But I must ask... What Chapter are you supposed to be disguised as? I've never seen that look before... Atleast not from a loyalist chapter.

[that actually fucking worked? get in there]

HAPPY PUNY MAN?

>I stand over the pykers shoulder, reving axei every once in a while

WHAT YOU DOING? WHAT YOU DOING NOW? CAN I KILL YOU YET?....WHY NOT? WHAT YOU DOING?

COG MAN WELCOME BACK
>I effectively punch the techpreast in the back with a "gentle" tap on the back

hello fellow seer i am in charge of vehicle maintenance

Showing my weapon to the Commissar.

I will be a little busy for a bit sciencing the fuck out of that wraithlord but good to see you too willHe's a flesh tearer sir!

sorry my laser is not regulation, the mud clogged my laser until it looked like that
the mud also made my lasgun incredibly focused and my armor immune to small ams

"THE BLOODY MARINES, unceasing machines of violence making the xenos fall dead"
>the angery roar lowers to a mumble before back to full volume

SEE

[Ironically my homebrew chapter. a chaos warband that only fights xenos]

COG MAN THERE IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOU, CAN I KILL IT?

Very good Astropath! Very good indeed, if a little outdated!

I sense no Chaos corruption from you!

Well, as long as you managed to make it here, Tech-priest Cog-Bouy.

Well, until you can retrieve yours, use somebody else's. I'm sure somebody here has died from some kind of accident... Try looking near one of those steam vents! I'm sure one of our boys lost his life the way of the Lobster!

CAN I KILL YOU NOW? AXEI SAID IT WANTED A SUCCULENT MEAL OF PYKICK ENERGY, I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT HE THEN SAID KILL A WHITCH SO CAN I KILL YOU NOW?

No. You could try and kill the little witches screaming in your skull.

i found my nametag, the scion who stole it was unfortunately killed by an ork assassin, but the nametag was found in his hand

all i found in the steam vents were a set of respmask arrays and a deepstriking kit

Mister Commisar, I 'ave a gun from back home. Can I use it instead of the Lasgun?

WITCHES IN MY HEAD? GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.
> I then procced to hit my head against a leman russ battle tank, denting the armour plating

Oh yeah, f-field kit. H-here.
>from a battered holster he pulls a hotshot laspistol, connected to a small backpack supply below his vox unit
>it looks far more expensive than he could afford, if little battered

Understandable trooper Ironwall! I hear that the mud on this Hive world has some very unique properties too it!

The 'Bloody Marines' you say? While I cant say I've heard of such a Chapter. I must say, that their name sounds quite loyal indeed! Good work on using the name of such an unknown Chapter, for your disguise, Captain! The enemy will be so confused, trying to figure out what Chapter you're from, that they'll never realise that you aren't actually an Astartes! This sort of tactical genius, is putting you on the fast track to a promotion!

> after a few minutes of doing so, I get up from the face plate moulded armour and look around

ARE THE WITCHES GONE?

I do believe the tank is not sharp enough a tool for that.
>The little of his face that is visible behind the metal plate nailed to his skull contorts into a smug smile

do our enemies for the day have any shiny looking weapons that look very powerful?
i want to get a good look at them

Ah, very good trooper! Killing an Original, we didn't even know existed! True heroism in the field, I'll tell you that!

Excellent work, Corporal! A well modified piece of equipment, if a little battered!

Now then! I want you to check and see how Squad Seven from forth platoon I'd fairing! They're supposed to be scouting up ahead!

In the meantime, we shall continue this Field kit inspection!

I KNOW I WILL USE THE SHIP

>walking over to the ship I stagger slightly before repeating the mantra and again repeatedly bashing my head into the hull armour. making a dent but not as big as the mutilated tanks

Mister Commisar, may I use a gun from back home? I ain't comfortable with usin' this one.

No... In all likelihood, the enemy is using far more spikey, and blood covered versions of our own, glorious equipment. As befits those foul, traitorous guardsmen!

I would recommend a chainaxe, power fist or a gun, but I do think that will suffice for now.

Captain! I know not what sort of ritual you are doing, to generate the immortal Emperor! But it must stop, NOW! That's our only Valkyrie! And considering how difficult it is to maneuver one of those in an Hive city, I suggest you not do anything to worsen it's pilot's chances!

ARE THE WITCHES GONE?
>I stagger about before roaring and punching the dirt.. with my head. then get up completely fixed

ARE THEY?

i found this in the armory, i dispatched a pink looking chaos marine trying to steal it with my new lasgun, and i managed to hook it up to my energy backpack
holding my two guns at once really clears the cultists from the yard

PUNY MAN, THE WITCH TOLD ME THERE WERE MORE WITCHES IN MY HEAD, SO I HIT THEM OUT, APPARENTLY THEY WILL COME BACK

>again axei sighs and what sounds like crying comes from the wepon

No. Hitting them with a chainaxe or a boltgun should do that, but they should be rather dizzy for a good while after such a shaking.

Well, remove these "Weecheez" somehow else Captain!
>The man's eye twitches at this point.

You shall not use that foul Chaos weaponry! It will corrupt us all trooper! Drop It right now, and burn your equipment, lest it's unholy taint infect you!

CAN I BURN IT CAN CAN I PLEASE? PLEASE CAN I BURN IT...OH CAN I BURN HIM TOO PLEASE?

This is why I woke up this morning...
>Drinks his Nutri-Slurry noisily through a straw

Only once he has removed his tainted equipment, Captain!

Should he not. Then you are free to burn him, and his foul, tainted body, in order to purify him!

as you wish commissar, it was ruining my ears through the helmet anyway

>hefts a weapon as large as himself
i will melt it immediately with this weapon i found in the inquisitors trailer

Of course this is the reason you woke up, Astropath! Who wouldn't wish to wake up every morning, to purge the mutant, the Xeno, and the heretic, for the glory of our mighty Emperor!

>lighting a match as big as the commissar, I grin with glee and jump up and down

DONT PUT YOUR GUN DOWN, NO DONT DO IT YOU WANT THE WEOPN SO I CAN BURN YOU

An inquisitor!?! Here!? This is madness! Get rid of that thing, before he finds out, damn you!

PUNY MAN COG MAN SAID SOMETHING ABOUT FISHHEADS AND CHAOS ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE PLANET, CAN WE KILL THEM PLEASE. FUCKING FISHHEADS DONT FIGHT IN MELEE I WANT TO TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB

>It seems the Astropath is choking in his drink, as some of it escapes through his nostrils... Which causes further sputtering from the now laughing man as his mask stops the liquid from escaping, slowing its flow to a trickle as he constantly spits more

>throws both guns into a pile
i shall just destroy both these guns with my meltabomb then

i am told the inquisitor is disguised as a rogue trader, so watch out for people looking for strange deals

Soon Captain! Soon we shall purge the Traitors of this world, so that the Emperor's light, may shine upon it once more!

>I back hand the pyker, sending him on his bum

STOP SPITING EVERYWHERE ITS UN HYGENIC AND NURGALITE YOU FILTHY WITCH.
I WANT TO DO IT, LET ME DO IT PLEASE

Yes Captain. Go ahead! Show these men the true face of loyalty, and purity!

>Struggles to catch his breath
Ow... Hitting an eyeless man like that... Ow.

I would prefer you not. But you're likely going to, aren't you...

such tech-heresy make me shiver

if you want to find me i'll be at the leman russ for the daily check

NOT PUNY HUMANSCOG MAN SAID THESE FOOLS

UMM ABOUT THAT TANK COG BOY

mind if i take that tank out for a spin?

dont worry, i will make sure to return it twice as shiny as when i found it

FINALY
> dancing around the wepons, I crunch them under my feet and drop my match on the metals making it rear up with a special oil that smells like a astates beer

BURN, BURN BURRRRRRNNNNNNNN

what about it ?
no the russ stay where it is, we cannot afford giving away our only tank for "a spin"

WELL ONE SIDE OF THE TANKS ARMOUR HAS CAVED IN FROM BLUNT FORCE, I MAY HAVE MADE IT DO THAT BUT I HAD TO GET THE WITCHES OUT OF MY HEAD

................................................................................................................................................................
give me one of your finger

TRY AND TAKE IT LITTLE MAN
>axei reves in excitement and I stalk closer to the engineer

FINALY I CAN KILL SOMETHING

no need, i have it already
>turn his back, going to the leman russ
the machine spirit need to be appeased for your damage done

try not to mess around too much
my lasgun can pierce power armor, and the commissar wouldnt like it if i took home another trophy today

but try not to ruin the cogboys servo-arm, it looks like it would make a good powerfist

WHAT?
>I count my fingers in confusion
ONE TWO TREE NINETEEN, SEVENTYSIX, UMM WHAT COMES AFTER THAT AXEI?

Presenting my weapon for Field Inspection Sir!

Sir, tis' gun is one of the best there is! I got it from mah pa, he got it from his an' it goes all the back to 19 generations!

technicae of the Ryza school : the Vulkite Punch

AAAATATATATATATATATATATATATATTAATATA

you don't know it yet but you're already dead

YOU CONFUSE ME METAL MAN, DIE
>I swing the roaring axe at the beings chest, but only manage to shear of a mechendrite, due to forgetting his inferior hight

Good news, sir! I have established contact with Squad Seven, and received the following message from the sergeant: *ahem* 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' *cough* 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'. This message was followed by a loud revving, then a s-sort of splattering sound.

>dodge
in 5 second all your limb will lose their strength

PUNY MAN THIS COG BOY IS BEING ANNYOING AND WONT DIE
PERMISSION TO USE A FLAMER?

>roaring as I finish my sentence, I bull rush the being screaming incoherently
DIE DIE DIE, HOW SHALL I BE A REAPER OF YOUR SOUL

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