FIELD KIT INSPECTION! Infinite Stars Edition

Alright regiment, listen up!

Due to our regiment's recent success in single handedly putting down that uprising in the underhives of Katjia III. Segmenting Command has seen it fit, to have us deployed to this Space Hulk, in an effort to cleanse it of any kind if taint. Whether it be of Xeno, or Chaos origin!

As is befitting of such a prestigious assignment, you are all to be on your BEST behaviour! That means, no writing your names on the walls, no scavaging archeotech for yourself, no pressing of random buttons labeled "Self destruct", and especially, NO PUSHING PEOPLE OUT OF AIRLOCKS! I'm looking at you, Private Anverali!

But before we begin pushing forward and clearing out this vessel. I'm ordering a surprise Field Kit Inspection! So all guardsmen, present arms and armour for inspection!

Remember men! If you find something that has more spikes or claws than you have teeth. It's usually fine to shoot it at first sight!

Commissar! Request to humbly ignore one of those four rules.
>salutes quickly

Back in action, sir! I was sick with a severe case of Cadian Flu. Let's kill some Genestealers!

Request utterly, and absolutely DENINED, on the threat of SUMMARY EXECUTION!

Especially since I'm unsure as to which rule you're wishing to ignore!

Ah yes, the dreadful "Cadian Flu". I know it well!

I myself caught it three times in one month, back when I was but a Junior Commissar! It was hard to explain to everyone why I needed so much toilet paper...

but yeah, I just started getting sick on Friday...

reporting in sir!

>stuffs markers into an ammo pouch
I completely understand, sir...

reporting sir

a space hulk you say? good time as any to use this new plasma cannon i found, it snagged on a bulk head and dragged some iron with it, and it is now apparently double barreled from the impact

dont worry about exploding, i found a manual explaining how to set it to "safe" fire

Sir! The rest of my kit melted after fighting the xenos! Sir!

>He'd glare angerly at the Tech-priest. His memories of their recent skirmish still fresh in his mind.

I'll be watching you, Tech-priest... At the first sign of heresy.... BLAM! Your cranium scattered all over the bulkhead...

Good! Because between you, and the regiment's Tech-priests, I'm not sure who too keep an eye on...

Then again, i keep an eye on everybody.

Trooper Ironwall! You'd better not have taken that from somewhere on this ship. Or so help you God-Emperor, I will plaster the bulkheads with your grey matter!

Then I would SUGGEST getting a new kit from Quartermaster Greymane! IF she can spare some time from ATTEMPTING to loot evrrything that isn't bolted down!

you know what I dont have to take this from you. Im a magos, im leaving.

Still, you know what they say!

"A bayonet to a Tyranid's face, is just as good as a lasgun shot to an Astartes chest plate!"

There will be NO retreat Tech-Priest! Neither from you, nor my men!

Besides... Good luck getting anywhere without a ship!

you just need one of those fancy scion lasguns, they can pierce an astartes armor easily

you can win them in the lottery, i won 3 of them myself

sigh....yes Sir

Sanctioned Psyker reporting in sir!

>looks up from a pair of bolt cutters
Huh?
>stuffs them in a pocket
You don't have to worry about me, Sir!

>He'd begin to scrutinize the regiment's new "psyker". Remaining silent as he does so.

....
....
....
Very well...! But know that should warp overtake you, or your powers get out of hand, I will not hesitate to end your existence! For your own good of course!

Good to see we can came to an agreement!

Now then Magis... Which way is it to the nearest reactor?

I shall have to put a stop to such things, once we are done with our current assignment!

no idea these hulk alway have so much interferance it's impossible to tell where your going

fair enough sir

Reporting in Sir!

IM BACK PUNNY MAN, WHY IS THERE ANOTHER WITCHY WHITCH?

HELLO COG MAN AXEI AND MEL ARE HAPPY TO TALK TO YOU THEY SAID" WHY DO YOU WANT US TO SUFFER SO?"

FOR SCIENCE
wouldn't the khornite recognize a greater daemon?

WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT WITCH?

Great.... Well then, what deck are we on?

What type of psyker are you anyhow? What exactly can you do?

Dammit man! Where do you people keep getting these things from!?

Ah, Captain! It is good to see you have finally arrived!

As for the new psyker. Apparently Command has seen us fit to need one. And I shall not question Command!

he would but that arse hole of an astropath had a metal and blood covered face so he follows that logic to its end, also he cant look in its wepons or meet any demon other than khornate ones

*reporting back for action commissar rawr*
*hope you killed that heretical tech priest rawr*

according to my auspex and the signs on the walls we are on deck thirteen.
according to the schematics there is no deck thirteen.

Rolled 16 (1d20)

NO ONE TOUCHES COG MAN

>axei revs in my rage at the meer thought

lets roll for insight shall we

Yes, yes...

>He'd wave his had in dismissal of the Magos' "Science".

For "Science" and all that. But more importantly, "For the Emperor!"

I don't know, why are you read and covered in spikes and blood astartes?
I KILL PEOPLE WITH MIND BULLETS!

>looks up from a pair of bolt cutters
Huh?
>stuffs them in a pocket
You don't have to worry about me, Sir! Also... Permission to condense their remaining armory into our own?

and dont forget plunder, booty, and shiny new toys

>poking cog man in the side of the head with mel barrel

COG MAN? I THINK THATS A DEMON OF TZEECH. WHY IS THERE A DEAMON HERE?

THE BLOOD OF MY FOES SUSTAINS ME PLANNER, BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

*your auspex is shit rawr*
*remember how it almost got the commissar to kill you rawr*

Unfortunately not.... We called it a draw, as Command wanted us to explore, and cleanse this Space Hulk, of whatever infests it's ancient corridors.

Well then, ifnno such deck exists, than we shall have to make it exist!

Magos! Begin mapping out everything as we go!

We'll label this area as.... Decrepit hallway 14, and that room over there, as murder spot 93!

>enters from the stairwell
i could have sworn i was headed to the armory
you really should fix these signs, they all say deck 13

I have no idea but considering he can easily kill us all, maybe we should humor him?
DON'T INSULT THE MACHINE SPIRITS
Yes...sir sigh
I didn't put them up there and Im not gonna touch anything on a deck on a spacehulk where the deck shouldn't exists and might be a illusion of the warp

Permission denied! Who knows what Daemons, or dark secrets the nearby armory holds!

No... Better we cleanse this ship, before touching anything we don't have too...

Exactly, private Hamounds!

DAEMON!?! WHERE!?! OFFENSIVELY DEFENSIVE FORMATIONS! LEAVE IT SMOKING!

MURDER SPOT? WHERE WHERE WHERE? GIVE ME THAT INSULTING BUG AND THE WITCHES AND I WILL MAKE IT A MURDER SPOT. NO HURTS COG MAN NO-ONE

>two voices leap from the chain axe and hell gun at my hip
"greetings brother demon"

>charges "plasma" gun
Where do I shoot sir!?

dont worry sir, i have hot plasma in one hand, and hot laser in the other, and a fully charged power pack on my back

the demon seems to be invisible, it isnt showing on my auspex

I THINK ITS THE NEW WITCHY PYKER. CAN I KILL IT NOW?
>axei revs up to full speed
IT CANT KILL ME EASLY

DAEMON WHERE
I'LL KILL IT WITH MY MIND!

ITS YOU, YOU FAKE WITCH

>if fire off a burst of plasm from mels barrel

we got friendly fire
>readies volley gun and plasma gun
should i keep our spook intact, commissar?

Sir, I've t-taken the liberty to do a cursory scan of the s-surroundings; you'll be p-pleased to hear there's no sign of intelligent life anywhere a-aboard this ship.

>he gawps at the 'new recruit', before looking back over the other 'loyal' 'men' of the unit
One of these d-days the Inquisition is gonna find out about this m-madhouse of a regiment, and we'll all be f-fuckin' crucified.

ITS NOT FRIENDLY IDIOT-THING GUARDSMAN

ITS HURTY HOSTILE
> another bolt of plasma flies at the "pyker"

*kill them all and feast on the remains rawr*

> van kleez hear a whisper in his mind
hmmmm you don't know your a psyker yet do you? your mind is so soft unprotected...I could end it easily.. but I won't...yet....want to play a game guardsman?

...
>slips away down a corridor
I'm not going to be around this...

*crucifixion is a waste of precious biomass.*

god dammit now I want an inquisitor to come and fail his perception

WHO WILL KILL ME AND COG MAN AND PUNNY MAN

WHOS SPEAKING IN HEADS, MY LORD HATES YOUR WEAK WAYS WITCH DIE

>I run at the demon with my chain axe

Good work Corporal! But just because there isn't any "intelligent" life, doesn't mean that there aren't any pox walkers, or zombies, or Tyranids onboard!

Infact, everyone should have a cyanide round on them, just incase things somehow go bad!

And as for the Inquisition going after ua,. Why would they ever do that? We're entirely loyal, everyone single one of us!

Isn't that right men!

Shoot wherever it is Sergeant! Shoot wherever it is!
Well keep looking! Just because your auspex isn't showing, doesn't mean it isn't there!

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>hacking at the witch, I have a comical fall over when the whitch was infact not to my front but to my right and I have just mutilated a piece of decking

DAMMIT

If the Captain says the psyker is being possessed by a Daemon, then shoot him!

...For his own good of course!

Rolled 57 (1d100)

>rollan to manifest invisablity
Im not possessed! he just hates Psykers
Gonna hide untill he calms down!

>ducktapes a volkite gun to his twin plasma cannon
>fires all 3 barrels at the ceiling to tr
you two need some alone time

Rolled 31 + 30 (1d100 + 30)

>it goes off, rollan for phenomena

come on perception

WHERE IS THE LITTLE BASTARD MAY MY LORD SHOW WHERE THE COWARD HIDES

funnily enough hes not wrong, I'm khornate I hate combat pykers

*hey boss I found some friends rawr*

you got it sir
>begins firing his volley gun and plasma gun wildly from the hip

Rolled 20 + 20 (1d100 + 20)

Rolled 7 (1d10)

>banshee howl: a deafing keening sounds out for a kilometer deafing everyone in the area for 1d10 rounds

>he looks around, scowling
Who said that? One a' you gobshites t-trying something funny?

I think you and I have very *cough* different views on how t-to use, uh, 'biomass'. I prefer it, y'know, undigested.
>he glances at the hollering berserker
Well, depending on who the b-biomass belongs to, that is.

>he mutters under his breath
Emprah be praised if we find a single one of us who IS loyal...

Hey Sir! Look what I found!

*not me rawr*

> laughing with a manic fervor I look around despite the almost defening ring in my ears

WHERE ARE YOU LITTLE WITCH WHERE ARE YOOUUUU???
>each repeated question punctuated with a hit to the walls, floor or air that I can reach

ironicly this might be one of the most loyal and effective units in the imperium. you just need to get the priest under control

>yelling over wild firing and psychic screaming
nice suit you got there, it looks like the armor i found in the basement

ASTATES? MURDER TIME YOU FILTHY ULTRASMURFS, THE VOICES IN THE WARP CALL YOU ULTRASMURFS AND SO SHALL I

Rolled 2 (1d100)

Let's see... now that they're all busy killing the demon...
>starts searching for a still powered terminal

why don't you go kill the daemonette on deck 66?

Rolled 10 (1d20)

he would but hes deafend for the next minute or so

WHERE ARE YOU PYKER?

*let me help you with that rawr*

Rolled 15 (1d100)

>manifesting forget me

>catching a scent of the warp, I spin there is that vial mutant

DIE PYKER
>charging with a bull rush at the disgused demon, I hope I hit it

get better than 5 to step out the way

Rolled 5 (1d100)

rolling for phenomena
you just forgot I exist

Rolled 71 (1d100)

>please don't forget the witch

>landing stuck in the wall I curse

Rolled 67 (1d100)

*stop fighting rawr*

Rolled 4 (1d10)

5 +30=35 = breath leech
everyone is now out of breath and can't run or charge
>the forget only lasts for 1d10 minutes

Rolled 55 (1d100)

Private... uhhh.... Go help the Commissar find that vile demon... I need to uhh... find a bathroom and a working terminal to find it.
>hurries off to find a working one

PUNNYMAN, COG MAN IM STUCK, COME GET ME OUT PLEASE

khornate have resistance to pyker bullshit thanks to the choler of khorn cant stop things that don't toch me though

could you please stop trying to kill our sanctioned psyker?
your making him use his powers to not die and on a hulk its only a matter of time before he explodes into a million nurglings?
DO YOU WANT NURGLES ROT?
I DONT WANT NURGLES ROT!

>sets his twin plasma cannon to supercharge
let me blast the wall off of you, stand still
>fires his cannon

FUCKING KEK! I leave for ten minutes to finish painting a heavy bolter marine, and i come back to find the regiment killing each other because Knochenmus thought someone had spotted a Daemon.

I couldn't be more proud of you all! *Sniffle*

hopefully this cannon doesnt overheat

I HAVE ARMOUR COG MAN, BUT NO COG MAN I DONT WANT NURGALS RO- OWWWW
>I jump around clutching my blisteing hot arm

OWWWWW THAT HURT....BUT THANKS FOR GETTING ME OUT

all we need now is the resident inquisitor, you know what fuck it if MUR dies or leaves for a while I am being a fucking inquisitor

ok im patching you up but please don't provoke our "pysker" I don't want to know what hell do when he feels like he has no choice but to fight back

>starts typing into a half cracked terminal
Hmmm...deck thirteen... seems to be a warp phenomenon in itself... logs show it showing up a few times...
>lets see... warp drive is cracked but power seems good...
Okay... what can I do from here... Open Airlocks... lucky he didn't approve... power to elevators. Yes. I need those.

BUT COG MAAAAAAANNNNNN, I WANT TO SPLIT HIS SKULL. AND HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SLANNESHI.

>I glare at the pyker
WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT SLANESHII?

oh please god no! That's a bad thing to do! A very, VERY bad thing to do!

>Knochenmus would watch the chaos around him unfold, as the regiment begins to slowly tear itself apart.
>His eye would twitch erratically, as his grip tightens around the grip of his Bolt pistol. As he proceeds to "BLAM" the new psyker, in an attempt to restore order to the regiment.

There we go!

Now the rest of you! FORM UP, OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE HIM!

sir, sorry for blowing a bulkhead, i didnt have a crowbar

YES PUNNY MAN
>my tone like a scolded childs as I grab the bug and the scavenger and toss them into line

GET IN LINE OR I WILL DISEMBOWL ANY OUT OF IT

>I shoot a line into the floor for them to stand on
NOW

>Radios into the commissar
Sir. I found a working security terminal and I got the elevators working. It seems this floor is a warp phenomenon and doesn't actually exist. We might want to get off it.

Sir! I found an Ice Cream dispenser! Permission to distribute frosty treats to the whole squad.

*commissar I found some friends rawr* *what do you think rawr* *also I was ordered to help you find a daemon rawr*

Rolled 97 (1d100)

>as the daemon demanifests hes gonna cast boon of mutation and see if can't turn the khornite smart via tzeentch pyskic bullshit

>exits from an elevator
sorry to report that the elevator only ever goes to this floor

the service hatch also leads to this floor

Rolled 27 + 50 (1d100 + 50)

welp thats a perils

Rolled 1 (1d5)

67
LMAO THATS THE SUMMOING A LESSER DAEMON PERIL.
so the speel goes off
rolling for what kinda of daemons
1 Kh
2 Nur
3 Slan
4 Tze
5 Mal