I need a miracle

Is there any one out there that will help?! Please I'm not a bad person.

I am addicted to Diazapam and Tramadol, have been on it for ten years, and before that, well I've always been on some anti depressant/psych med. I've been taking the same dose every day for years. 30 mg of Valium and about 700 mg of Tramdol a day, even though Tramdol is a synthetic pain killer, new studies show it works just like an SSRI , or to be more specific, SNRI. As long as I have my meds I function just fine, I can work and carry on with my life, you would never guess I was taking anything if you met me, shoot I don't even drink, like at all. Never have been a drinker, I don't smoke I'm fit, I exercise, I eat healthy and other than the medication I'm a healthy person.

But because of trying to quit, or running out, or not having enough money to get them, because where I live right now they're incredibly expensive and the price just went up 30% a few months ago.

I've had a few episodes where I thought I was loosing my mind, it has to be one of the worst feelings known to man. it's like hell as described in the Bible, endless torment that never stops, day after day and can last for years. Shoot if I had a gun I wouldn't be here right now writing this most likely, it would be just to easy to pull the trigger real fast and be done with it. I had no idea how horrible withdraw could be until it happened. Because when I was in the US, I just got my Script filled every month and carried on with my life.

So in these episode I mentioned, I lost friends, girl friends, shoot my sister wont talk to me because I freaked out and told her and her husband to F off.They don't understand Benzos, that they're absolutely the most difficult drug to withdraw from and it can take years and usually you never really get better. It's a death sentence.

Anyways I'm suicidal in, I think about it every day and if it weren't for my mother and my dog I would already be gone. However I just lost my job

in Mexico and I have just enough money to get to the states, and enough pills for 10 days, luckly in California I have free medical. but I have no where to go, everyone I know lives here it's in the middle of the winter, I'll be on the streets, like how did this happen. I'm a male in my late 30's who just lost everything I loved, I just think fack it! Shoot it all these famus people couldn't handle it and they didn't have to worry about money they'll just have to deal, and maybe then they'll finally look into the hell of benzo withdraw. I wish there were some brain surgery that could put me back to normal or even better that I never started taking meds. but back when I was in highschool every one was on some sort of psycotropic. I need a new start in Californi but I don't know anyone there and I'm older now I have no wife or kids I just think why not and well I'll write my mother a note and tell her it was just the meds, which is the truth, I can't handle abother episode I lost my job that barley got me by anyway. I'm just in need of a miracle a new life where I can start over but it has to be in California so I'm just tired and everyday is closer to the end.

Wow you are fucked up, i suggest stopping 1 at a time. Benzos will be the hardest withdrawl ever, reserve 3-4 days of your time to do it. Youll probally loose 5lbs because you will not eat, suppliment tramadol and booze as needed, so your seizure threshold doesnt get fucked. Also flush your reserve stash or you will be feinding for them within 24hrs. Positives, once you go through this you will never want to take a benzo again. Trams dont fully activate opiod receptors so its more psych than anything.

why not just get it over with and I'll write my mother a note and tell her it was just the medication, that I was happy which is the truth, I can't handle another episode, I can't. This last one cost me my job and most of my friends shoot all of them to a certain extent to to my rant on facebook, because I was "off my medication" I hate even saying that. I'm in need of a miracle a new life where I can start over. I'm just tired and everyday is closer to the end. I want to live, but if you know anything about depression and anxiety and benzodiazepines then you know what I'm talking about, and I don't know what to do.. the only person that really keeps me here is my mother, she's such a sweet heart and it would break her heart and all I've been doing for the past 3 years is taking care of her, which I'm not going to be able to do anymore, it's not just something you can quit and be a little sick, it's hallucinations, delusions bed ridden. I need a miracle!

So wheres the part where you post your wallet and we call you a filthy pajeet and you ger banned for begging?

>I'm not a bad person
>Just a druggie

Best to do something to get put in jail for 60-90 days then come out and build a new life and a new man. My dad was a lifelong alcoholic and killed himself a few years ago. I cried so much I am literally a sociopath now and cannot feel anything except when my kids were born i had a tinge of something

It's coming bro this is a pretty good hook though

Have you been to a doctor instead of self-medicating? I'd say there are many people in similar positions.

Whatever you do don't beg its not gonna help you. You need to be cut off from society for awhile

Post your physical address. I'll order you some rope from amazon beaner

>people at the end of their rope
->think "I should turn to /biz for help\answers"
What in the actual fuck though

I wouldn't use rope but thank you and I'm native american, call me what you like it makes no sense I'm just reaching, for what I don't know. But I think you're right just do it, stop thinking about it.

Get your ads to rehab. Like real rehab. All they will do is keep you till it gets better. Unroll you feel like a human again on the physical level.
They have medicine that they can give you to make it bereable. After you clear headed think about what would you like to be addicted to. I mean - what gives you pleasure when you doing it. The drugs are tools that you use to get a specific kind of pleasure. Ask yourself what is this feeling: euphoria, balance, energy? It has to be something that you feel that brings you back.
And then really think what could get you this feeling.
Example: I have problems with uppers because they give me euphoria, creativity, clear head.
You know, it looks like I found it in trading. The adrenaline rush all of it is in trading to me. I'm addicted and I learn a shit ton but this is an addiction that I can live with.

If the drugs are bothering you, look into tapering off of them slowly. They cause much of the issues you speak. Natural living, like a Chad, is the best thing you can do. When your body is in balance you feel completely different. Iron Pill. You don't even have to work out though, unless you are overweight. Even then, just eating only unprocessed foods that you prepare yourself is the best and easiest path towards health. Give up the little researched drugs. They haven't been in the human diet near as long as food and medicinal plants. It makes a huge difference as we have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years as omnivores consuming these things.

this is the first time I ever post anything here. bye

Listen you piece of shit. Your ten years of being an addict prove you aren't getting better. This shit will kill you. The question for you: Why should we care? Plenty of good people out there that suffer for no reason. You did this to yourself and it will kill you. This is your death. It was a suicide.

none of you understand the time I've been taking it, and I ca see this is the wrong thread MY BAD, gees. a miracle could be many things, why is everything about money. I didn't slef medicate, I have a prescription and a doctor in the states that I was seeing for many years before I left California.

Why do I care what a dead man walking thinks?

F

I don't know, how do you erase a post here

>The adrenaline rush all of it is in trading to me
just curious but do you actually mean dopamine? I'm similar if so but not if you actually mean adrenaline like you would feel driving really fast or gambling a large amount on a roll at a casino or someone coming at you with a knife. to me that would be debilitating during trading and when it has happened it's usually because I'm getting ultra-JUST'd or something. the dopamine from trading is incredible though when you are making money, it's a lot less physically jarring than adrenaline though

You don't have to self medicate to be addicted. You are taking psychoactive drugs user. And you can't function without them and you want to take them and panicking when you don't have them. You are an addict.
I can tell an addict because I've been one dude.And I understand what you write- it's a panick before you know you'll run out.
Get this shit out of your system. Find a new addiction but something that actually makes you function and be happy without taking drugs.
It's not easy. It's fucking hard as fuck. But it's up to you. Only you can stop it. No one, with even the best intentions is able to help you. No. One

Dopamine and adrenaline are connected, especially for me.
Adrenaline causes the dopamine to go up as well and activate the reward system. But I'm an uppers man. I take uppers that shoot my adrenaline and that gives me dopamine and the reward system is lit.
On downers it's different. Different thing get you going. I chased rush, high, euphoria and movement. You Chase equilibrium and calm.

Trading especially day trade is stressful, sometimes very stressful -that is adrenaline and for me it's simple. This stress is enough to make me feel good especially if I won.
If I lost I don't get bummed too much because the chase gave me what I need already.

You can't

Why would you come to Veeky Forums to ask for life/death advice? Look for something greater than yourself. Perhaps try getting involved with a local church or something, they're very welcoming to people in your situation despite what pop culture would have you think.

Your an idiot, cold turkey, flush pills. Its your only chance. You gotta want it, if you dont you will not pull through the withdrawl. Good luck, 3-4days of suck for a lifetime of freedom from benzos. Its not up to us to convince you of this, its up to you. Looking for answers here instead of where it counts is fucked. Grow up and get sober, take responsibility for your decisions you took the shit.