Hello and welcome to The Ivory Shark...

Great! Do tell me what it is.

Of course, if you give me but a moment, I'll write it down for you.
[You are handed a scrap of paper with a recipe that calls for a few common herbs and some salt a short time later]
Here you are, I hope you and your patrons enjoy it.

Good sir, you simply must allow me to rebuild this structure. I only see 4 dark corners for adventurers to lounge in. I like to build my taverns in a starburst shape, so as to maximize my adventuring clientele. You may have heard of my last bar, the Nova?

I roll to stab the bartender

Many thanks.
No I have not. You got a permit to build?

Rollin to stab bartender

I really need some guards here.

[The weapon is casually swatted from your hand with a walking stick]
Do not try that again. I would prefer not to resolve this with violence, but I will if you keep this up.

Throw cloak at this fag. Then...
Pull pins on grenades, grab bartender.
ALLAHU ACKBAR

Of course, my good man! I was trained in a great many areas during my time in the academy. Tis a shame the war broke out, I never did finish that dentistry class. Now all that anyone desires from me is walls of flame and lightning. Never am I called for my intellect or knowledge of fine cheeses.

Hrm...alright build if you want.

What the fuck is a shark.

Barkeep how you survive grenadez. Yo ass is dead.

It's...its like a crocodile and a fish combined.

They were all duds, obviously. That's what you get for buying the cheapest ones you could find.

Saving him was in my own enlightened rational self interest. And I always act according to my own enlightened rational self interest

Excuse me, could I get something light please?

Ah, it's good to see another wizard for once. If I may ask, what is the design of your clothes? They don't seem to be of any order I recognise.

Ehh...We've got cider. Is that good?

Of course, what sort is it? I've become rather partial to dwarven brews lately.

I am a student of the 2nd Order of the Steel Spire. Sadly, such robes tend to draw a lot of attention on the battlefield, and as such I am often pressed to dress in less conspicuous clothing. I still carry their emblem with me, even if the spire itself has been lost to the ravages of war.

Elven cider made from some kind of root.

Oh my, I've heard that tale, it's an awful shame such knowledge was lost. Apparently they had technology beyond that of the most ingenious tinkerer on a huge scale. Is it true?

Thank you kindly, barkeep.

Bard here! Any musical requests to entertain the crowd tonight?

Somewhat. My order believes, *sigh* believed, that knowledge is a gift to be spread with the world, and worked hard to preserve the knowledge of lost ages, while further enriching it. Some of the stories, like that of an advanced version of the aeliopile, which turns heat into mechanical power, are true, others I've heard are distinctly false, such as the rumor that we'd managed to create a nonmagical flying machine that propelled itself by flapping wings. What about yourself? From whom did you receive your training?

*Heavy Breathing*

"Beer..."

>Places a large mug of beer on front pf you
Just don't...do something evil

"Agreed"

Rolled 13, 7 = 20 (2d20)

I roll to grapple

"Think carefully, mortal."

Rolled 1, 16, 7 + 4 = 28 (3d20 + 4)

I now roll to pin

Play Alabama Nigger.

I taught myself actually. Back where I lived there was a huge library full of information on all sorts of topics. I scraped together what information on there was on magic (whilst learning a whole host of utterly useless titbits) and learned the basics from that. Simple manipulation of materials, inert force, you get the idea. After a bit of an 'incident' I ended travelling with a few others and from the things we found figured out various other magics, applying the fundamentals of what I knew to other concepts. Starting from a simple mending charm I was able to progress to creating basic object from scratch, and other such things.

Have you ever thought about reclaiming or even rediscovering that knowledge? The aeolipile in particular sound fascinating, it's quite close to my own current field of research as well.

Can do!
youtu.be/YCZJi3Z0ihQ

Welp.

Back again I see.

I will sing along!

"Do you value your life?"

Hey you!...Yes you! In the corner! I see you!

well my party fought the local orc camp and it didn't go well, the orc didn't want me since i was "too alcoholised to be cooked"
anyway your pint of beer is still 50 bronze coin ?

Sadly, when the hordes took our library they set off stone burner bombs; less than 5% of our archives were recovered. I don't doubt there are a scraps left to pick in the rubble, but it would be hard work, buried under the remains of the tower. Besides which, the ruins lie deep behind enemy lines. You say you're self taught? That's impressive. It took me years to pick up even the basics of magic, and that's with some of the best teachers in the realm. Tell me about your research thus far. We'd been planning on using our aeolipile design to pump fresh air into mines.

I don't suppose you know the tale of Alaric's copper flask? It is a favorite of mine as it reminds me of better days.

It's the best ale for miles.

Sorry, never heard of it. If you know the lyrics I can try to play a melody to accompany it.

Nametag fell off sorry

Eep!

I-I'm not looking for any trouble, I just want to drink in peace, please leave me alone.

another one then !
also how did you get that fancy statue ?

Ayyo missa batenda cracka can i havuh beer

Made it myself out of the tusks of a dead Loxodon. If you don't know what those are, I don't blame you. They're these odd beastfolk with the body of a elephant.

I don't serve beastfolk.

Sheeeeeitt

>How...
Enters through the roof window
>How good...
Slow falls onto a table between a dark corner and a noisy table with drunk Half-Orcs.
>How good is your...
Catches the ale the Half-Orcs threw, chugs it down and throws the emty bottles back at them.
>How good is your mead and...
Dodges the Fireball thrown by the Kobold Warlock.
>How good is your mead and wine?
Knocks out the troublemakers, puts out the flames and sits down at the counter.

It's so strong only adventurers can stomach it.

There hasn't been much progress thus far as I have precious little to go off but I've been looking at the construction of golems and a way to improve them. From what I know they're horribly expensive to produce and some can take a matter of years to create. I have a few basic designs drawn up but I'd need to inspect an actual golem and the schematics for such and find out how they work. The only problem is, due to the aforementioned problems, golems are extremely rare so I doubt I'll see much success any time soon.
That aeolipile sounds like it could be a good power source for such a construct, it may be possible to get it to work in tandem with their normal source, whatever that may be.

Is there seating for little folk, or should I come back with a ladder?

Climb a stool.

According the free market the value of an average human life is 50 ducats

I come back with a group of feral darkies.

Ayyo crackas gime al yo shets rit nao.
I punch the barkeep.

Huh, flattering. My old crew sold lackeys like you for about 20 a piece. Of course, those times are behind me.
These fellows are worth about 12

I am no lackey
I am no mans slave
I serve only myself

Really? Because it seems to me you are controlled by this "enlightened rational self interest" you like to remind us of. Besides, no one called you a slave or accused you of servitude. Yet.

Kek

I suppose you could argue that
but if you not a slave to your own interest what are you? slave to other's interests ? disgraceful

I serve the interests of chivalry and righteousness now. If you find no value in any interest but your own, what drive do you have? Why do you fight?

to prevent others from chaining me
to prevent the weak from dragging the strong down with them
let each man look out for themselves
let each man do only what helps them
that is true freedom that is true justice that is true good

Hmm, that IS an interesting proposition. I may be able to call up some of the schematics, I was helping with the project myself, albeit as an aide, rather than a proper researcher. *Iskander pulls out a massive locked ledger from his pack, unlocks it and rifles through it* I think, however, you will probably be somewhat disappointed. Our design, while adequate for pumping out mines, was bulky and lacked the pressure needed to make it practical for small, high output, endeavors. In theory, it is quite possible, but it might require some rather exotic metalworking techniques. At the very least, I would suggest a magical heat source, we used to punish ill behaved apprentices by forcing them to chop the wood for our project model. AHA *having apparently found what he is searching for, Iskander sticks his arm INTO the book up to his shoulder, and rummages briefly before pulling out several pages of mildly singed notes* I hope these can help you. Sadly, I can't let you keep them, but you are welcome to copy everything I have.

But you served that asshole in the corner!

Nay, friend. That is true selfishness. If one has no friend, what is he but an icon of selfishness? I may agree that each man shall do only what helps him, but why must one find no fellowship in that endeavor?

we shall be brothers in selfishness
for each man doing the best for themselves will in the end be the best for all of us together

Rolled 2, 20 = 22 (2d20)

I unzip pants and roll for penetration

DAT CRIT
I'M GOING IN DRY TOO

Truly a sad day when the dead are more civilized than the living

I start to cheer and offer bets.
2:1 the skeleton wins

*laughs as the fool manages to impale himself on a hatrack*

>fails the unzip roll
>thinks he can still do anything just because the second roll he shouldn't have made was a crit
Someone doesn't actually play D&D.

"I have lived for over 3,000 years, wiped out entire bloodlines, dueled and debated gods, dethroned arch-demons, created and destroyed races, but never has a man grappled my beer, until now."

Ah, this really is quite something. It may not be possible to output quick bursts of movement with this, but this could power a large, slow-moving construct. If it were possible to create a constant source of intense heat this could work, any metalworking would be a cinch just so long as I know exactly how it should be formed.

This might be mad but, do you think a portal could work? I mean, a stabilised, mobile, tiny portal to a plane of pure fire. It would provide exactly what this would need, it's just how to create it and get it stable that's the problem, and I'm no expert on portals and the like. What do you think?

No I didnt. I'm letting him sit there and making sure he doesn't steal anything.

*raises a mostly empty flagon of ale in salute* Fair enough, fell one.
I hadn't considered that. It's certainly worth looking into more. Alternatively, you might consider linite, either for the heat source, or condensation coils, depending on which variety you have access to. The worry I'd have about a portable portal is that something might come through. Certainly not a fire elemental, as they despise the very concept of water, but not everything that lives on the plane of fire is so constrained.
*slides a coin across the bar* Barkeep, another ale if you will.

Sorry, dropped my hat there for a moment.

Can I get some cider as well, sir?

Of course.
>The Barkeeper sails a mug across the bar towards you
Here you go lass.
>The Barkeeper puts down a jug of cider close to her

I must confess I haven't heard of either linite not condensation coils, what are they? It should be fairly simple to perform some form of binding ritual to restrict living beings from passing through the portal right? Saying that, I have very little idea of how portals and the like work, I would have to ask a practitioner of the art.

Good choice, it's a delight. Another please, barkeep.

Much obliged, good sir.
Do you by any chance know who's John Galt?

It sure is! The stars are lovely tonight, aren't they?

Yep.
>The Barkeeper grabs a jug of cider off the shelf and places it infront of you

My good man, pass me some o' dat good stuff *smacks lips* and ensure my cup overunneth.
Here: *twists off comically huge ring*. This ought to count as payment in this little slice of Babylon.
I am an abomination in the eyes of the LORD.

I'd ask you to leave but you scare me too much to speak up. Just don't steal anything.
>Grabs a large ale and passes it to you

That's a nice pair of wings you got there.

"You..."

They certainly are, I've always wanted to see one up close but I fear that may never be possible.

My apologies. I tend to embrace technical jargon overly much. Linite is an exotic metal that is almost certainly of magical origin. It is found in 2 varieties that I am aware of. The first is always dangerously hot to the touch, and, given enough time, will start to boil water. The other variety is freezing cold, and will ice over a container that it is in. Condensation coils are used to collect the water from the device (via cooling), so that it might be reused. Without coils, an aeolipile must be periodically refilled with water in order to run, but I suppose that might be overcome with a minuscule portal to the plane of water. Alternatively, something along the lines of an endless flagon connected to a water wheel might work, if you simply wish to harvest mechanical force.

I am john galt
why?