Field Kit Inspection!: Fun in a Bottle Edition

reporting sir
>wheezing noise
sorry about that sir, getting used to these new metal organs, ever since i got a bolt round to my chest

presenting my gear sir
one twin plasma cannon
one set of carapace body armor from cadia
one carapace helmet from krieg
a pair of worn boots from tanith
a laspistol, standard issue
a uniform, was once standard issue but covered in stitches
spare parts of every type for plasma weapons
two stimulant injectors
some strange black pistol of unknown origin
gourmet ration packs, property of [name scratched off]

>He would offer a salute to The Commissar.

Thank you, Commissar! I will let neither you, nor the Regiment down!

*what is Cadia rawr?*

Rolled 1 (1d6)

Vindicare assassin sets his sights on Corporal Hamounds

Rolling to hit on a 3+

Good news Lord Commissar! I managed to retrieve some slightly used gear from the front.

Vindicare assassin fumbles his shot and leaves his position

*commisar rawr!*
*that vindicate is trying to kill you rawr!*
*look how close that bullet went to you rawr!*

>He would take a good look at the Private's Kit. Checking for anything out of the ordinary.

...Very giid, Private! But I suggest that you squabble away that bar of gold. There is a thief on the loose, after all!

Present Kit, for inspection, Astropath! Or suffer my wrath!

>He would begin inspecting the man's equipment at this point. Checking for anything out of the ordinary.
>When he was satisfied with his findings. He would forcefully open up the man's mouth, and would take a wiff of his breath.
>Other than his eye twitching at the smell, he would do nothing else.

...Very good trooper! But I would suggest brushing your teeth more often!
After all. A hygienic mouth, is a faithful mouth!

>He would then hand the man a rank chevron.

I'm also promoting you to the rank of Lance Corporal, for your meritous service to the Emperor, as well as putting you in for a commendation, for your selfless actions during our battle with Chaos.

*excellent rawr*
*that body shall provide us with a wonderful meal rawr!*

Right you are Commissar

Would you knock that off, Assassin! He's one of ours!

This is going in my report! Now state your name!

Very good, trooper Caliban! Make sure too wash your hands afterwards! No need to spread is rot throughout the regiment!

It is fine, Corporal!

Holy Terra. I wasn't aware that the Front was so close.

Then again, it's likely been creeping closer to us over the past week....

Presenting my kit to you Sir
-1 lasgun
-1 box of ammunition
-1 combat knife
-3 pairs of black underwear
-2 pairs of red underwear adorned with a loveheart on the crotch, words on back read "will bang for eldar poonan"
-full guardsman uniform
-1 bottle of lube

SCREEEECH

Hmmmmm something seems fishy about this fella but I can't put my finger on it

Don't worry sir, our opportunity for a death worthy of the Emperor draws near.

thank you for the promotion sir
somehow i managed to skip out every rank of private

>checks his gear
no wonder my breath smells bad, i forgot toothpaste

>runs off to the back line
i better borrow some from the next regiment over

SCREEECH
>Runs to the tent because he forgot his kit

>The Commissar would begin to inspect the man's gear. Looking for any sign of his missing Amasec bottles.
>Upon seeing the underwear labeled "will bang for Eldar Poonan", his one good eye would twitch with disgust.
>He would hand them back to him, after using a marker to cross out "Eldar" and replace it with "Soroitas".
>From there, he would begin patting down the man, before bidding his head, and moving on to the next soldier in line.

Yes, yes. Loud Feral world noises. Present your equipment, possible THIEF!

*commisar rawr*
*he is trying to desert rawr'
*blam him rawr*

Hey Sarn't, I just sold my kit to buy a wedding ring for that pleasire girl I fell in live with last night. What do I do?

Very well.
>one (1) Flintlock pistol
>one (1) pouch of gunpowder
>one (1) pouch of lead bullets
>one (1) pouch of iron bullets
>one (1) silver bullet
>one (1) pack of Nutri-Slurry (with plenty of supplementary iron, also used for flavoring)
>one (1) set of old robes
>one (1) reinforced copper mask (nailed to the skull)
>thirty-eight (38) trinkets and baubles of varying materials, questionable origin and potentially (Inquisitorial confirmation pending) heretical iconography
>one (1) pair of tattered sandals

SCREEECH
>Brings a lasgun, a jagged metal piece that was once a knife, a power cell and an imperial calendar

I'm not worried about my death, Private. I'm more worried about when the enemy are going to show up. I hear from the front, that we're facing Necrons... But nobody seems to know when I ask them.

>the young pyker wandeers out of his tent

"huh what happened? wheres the nice tech preist lady?"

oh hello astropath

The less you know, the better.

i am not deserting, i am merely going to borrow some supplies from the next regiment

heck, do you want anything while im there?
ill pick you up a cup of sugar if you want

>The Commander of the "Unknown Regiment", would closely inspect each of the Astropath's items. Checking to see if any of them are his bottles of missing Amasec.
>When he was satisfied that none of them were his bottles. He would nod his head, before handing him a new pair of sandles, along with a bar of soap.

Clean off your feet, and put on these new sandles! I can smell your feet, from three Ogyrns down the line!

I wouldn't worry about it

*yes please actually, and also some spices rawr*

Psyker! Present arms and equipment for a Field Kit Inspection! I want to know who stole my bottles of Amasec!

And so help me, Emperor! If you did it, i'll put you down for your own good!

Hello, Psyker.
I could have sworn i rubbed them until the smell of fungi was gone...

Like I said, Private. I'm not worried about dying. I'm a Praetorian after all. I believe whole heartedly in the light of the Emperor.

What in worried about, us if we'll have enough time, to get to our stations, should the Necrons show up.

Excuse me, has anyone seen my Raider? I became too intoxicated last night on my slurry of super-coke, Hypex, Adrenalight, Splintermind, this bottle of Amesec I found and valkyrie fuel and seemed to have misplaced my transport. I really am in a rush, I have a super orgy to attend shortly.

Nice hair.

SCREEECH
>Points at a black, burning raider which crashed on the ground

>The Commissar would turn his head immediately, towards the sound of the word "Amasec". A Khorne like look of rage upon his scarred face.

TROOPER! WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS BOTTLE OF AMASEC?

*you stole my amasec! Rawr!*

sir I think that's a bit of an abuse of power utilising guidelines ment to stop demonic incu-

>he stops when he realises its the commisars job to execute people.

RIGHT SIR

good mor-

AAGGGGHHHHH XENO KILL IT

>he hurls a icy bolt of doom at the xenos

hey cunt that's my Valkyrie fuel i need it for.... reasons (sniff)

Rolled 2 (1d20)

[forgot the fucking roll]

Rolled 8 (1d20)

>walks in with a large satchel, it has regimental numbers scratched off

did you say necron, this handbook some guy in the other regiment left me some kind of book about them

let me see what i got you

woah, i leave for one second and the spooks start flinging warpcraft

Fuckin hell!
That potty break took way more time than it should.
Trooper Rex reporting for duty.

Trooper! Present arms and equipment for a Field Kit Inspection, this instant!

We have an Amasec thief in the loose, and I plan to catch him!

>in his fear the pyker misses by several feet and runs behind the commissar

KILL IT KILL IT, KILL THE SCARY XENO

[its like peaples fear of spiders, you know you can kill it but its just too scary]

Aye aye sir!
Pray tell sir how many was stolen?

Scout Marine, Nathaniel Avalon, if the Broken Shields Chapter, Third company. Reporting for duty, Commissar.

sorry, all i could find you was some raw meat

*or her rawr*
*i once saw rias drinking amasec 9 months ago rawr*

What in the Emperor's name, are you so scared of!? It's merely one of our troopers!

>He would slap the psyker across the face, with his mechanical hand.

Get ahold of yourself, or I'll put you down for cowardice!

Ah, thanks strange human! Just need to retrieve a few things...could you point me to the nearest landing pad? I need to see a human about a ride.

Hah! I don't remember what day it is let alone where I found this cheap swill. Don't worry though, I have something much better for you angry human.

>hands over a vial of slightly glowing green liquid

Best cure in the world.

I am no Xeno! Merely an abhuman! Nothing to worry about fellow human!

That's a damn lie, and you know it!

Our regiment has only been around for five and a half months! But any TRUE member of the regiment would know that!

Besides. She's been far too busy recently, to have done such a thing!

those guys in the other regiment looked really big, and had some really nice toys they even had this

>pulls out a huge metal disk with the words "warp grenade: keep out of reach of children or ogryns" printed on the side

>rubbing my cheek I look at the xeno with undisguised fear

that's a good xeno, you stay there and away from me. whos a good emperor damned xeno you are yes, you are.

>he edges closer to the space marine and away from the knife ear

SCREEECH
>Pulls out a tattered map of the region
>Gives it to Araayn

*well excuse me, I was not using standard Terran months rawr* *if you would just do the conversion to warpish months you would see that rias will drink amasec in 6 days is what I meant rawr*

You will NOT be going anywhere, until I find out who stole my three bottles of Amasec! Do I make myself clear, trooper!?

Well, whatever it is that they willing gave you. Make sure it works before hand!

*thats fine but expect meaty stew for dinner for the next 9 weeks rawr*

That makes about just as much sense, as us having not purged you yet, "Corporal"!

Besides, this was far too recent, for her to have done such a thing, going by your strange timeline, anyways!

So how dare you talk about my Fianc-... About the good Sergeant, that way!

*yeah rawr*
*make sure it works rawr*
*pull the pin rawr*

*you meatbags confuse me rawr*
*i swear she had a thing with the commissar rawr*
*or is the cuckoldry thing your fetish rawr?*

>the pyker looks at the captain for a second as it breaks eye contact with the knife ear

"captain why has your anger, indignity and embarrassment flared up? and what were you going to say?"

corpral behave yourself or I swear to the throne I will burn you

Hey!

Only one helmet per trooper.

Presenting sir!
>1 Mars pattern Meltagun
>1 laspistol
>2 battery packs
>2 frag grenades
>1 standard reg. gas mas
>1 set of flak armor I am currently wearing, sir!
>2 sets of fatigues and underwear, 1 being currenly on my person, sir!
> 2 pairs of boots, 1 of which seems to have been filled with water
> 1 combat knife
> 10 "the commissar wants you!" Recruitment posters

YOU, will do no such thing psyker.
Unless you seek only a quick death, that is.

Rolled 34 (1d100)

She never had a 'thing' going with the Commissar!

And how in the HELL, do you know what cuckoldry is!?

>His face would go slightly red at the Psyker's words.

N-nothing! I merely misspoke is all!

>Rolling for a bluff. Feel free to roll against it.

SCREEECH
>Show an Munitorium paper allowing me to have two helmets, it is written in bad grammer and crayons were used in it's making

really?
i won 2 flak helmets in a game of cards, and another in the toilet

this carapace helmet was a gift from a friend who died of dysentery

>The Commissar would glance over her equipment. Making sure that nothing in it, looked like a full or empty, bottle of Amasec.

Hmm...

>He would take a look at the posters, and would nod his head in approval at them, before handing them back.

Very good, trooper! I especially like the recruitment posters you have!

(Captcha, a bi-plane isn't a fucking helicopter!)

Rolled 100 (1d100)

WELL FUCK YOU, I LIKE THE CAPTAIN AND ITS HERESY TO HARM A SUPERIOR OFFICER SO THE CORPRAL WOULD BE A HERETIC AND THUS EXECUTED.

MINUTORUM RULES AND REGULATIONS BITCH

I will

[wondering bonuses for reading your mind?]

*yeah they did, the hell do you think happened on that space hulk rawr?*
*cpr does not require a person to remove their own clothes rawr*
*also I am a guardsman who is well versed in the street lingo, being the true human that I am rawr*

*holy shit rawr*
*dont interrogate him that hard rawr*
*i don't need to hear his life story rawr*

>inspects paper
Checks out. Did they run out of ink the minitorum or something?

Unofficially acquired gear does not count as extra requisition.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

>the pyker looks at the captain.

I may be young but I'm not stupid. wait your getting married? why would you get married isn't tha-

>he shuts up as the thought sinks in

Rolled 71 (1d100)

Calm down there, look into my eyes.
*mass hypnosis, roll higher to resist*

Rolled 43 (1d100)

don't you dare try that you...

Thanks sir! May I say that these poster make you look strikingly similiar to commissar Cain?
>the trooper fishes a lho from her pockets and light it up by pressing it against the , apparently still hot, barrel of her meltagun
So this rawr thing is an...accent?
...Catachan?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!! YOU WORSHIPPER OF CRITICUS!

>Scenes of what can only be assumed to be, the newly minted Captain, and the Sergeant Greymane, going on "dates" flashes through the Psyker's mind, along side memories of Rias turning into a saint, a daemon of slanessh, a daemon of tzeench, a daemon of Khorne, and a Daemon of Nurgle.
>Other memories also float by as well. One of which appears to be him proposing to her.
>The moment his probing of Matthias' mind would stop, is the moment Matthias has dragged away the pysker to a nearby tent, and his is holding him up by his neck.

WHAT DID YOU SEE, PSYKER!?

Now now, just sleep.
That's better, stay like that

*picked it up on tyran rawr*
*if I don't do it my voice sounds earshatteringly painful rawr*

I...is having four arms regimental standard?

Just out of interest, how much would a BL 'Property of Tanith 1st' box complete and with other BL Tanith merchandise such as wristwatch, extra T-shirts go for these days?

>the pykers usual fear evaporates and he has the biggest shit eating grin in the world.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh oh HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>he stops clutching his side

oh she got you good, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I follow the true dice gods, not your bastadised version

>he struggles to remain conscious as he continues to laugh

Rolled 25 (1d100)

"XENOS IN THE CAMP!"

In one swift motion Pvt Kraigen raises his lasgun and fires at the genestealer patriarch

*yes rawr*
*report to Magos gelt for extra limb surgery rawr*

Rolled 66, 75 + 2 = 143 (2d100 + 2)

did you say primarch
>fires his twin plasma cannon at the general direction of where the other was aiming
>the plasma fires out with extra punch as it enters supercharge mode

>The Commissar would nod his head at her remark. A small, almost unnoticeable smile upon his face.

You may trooper. Just don't expect you saying such flattery to put you on my good side...

Although it surely does help!

...now you know, if I had 4 arms, I could fire two meltas at once. Or a melta and a plasma gun...
> the trooper sighs, gazing longingly at her meltagun
Imagine that.

Rolled 30, 29 = 59 (2d100)

You all need a timeout.
*mass hypnosis, roll higher to resist*
*roll seperately*

>His grip around the Psyker's neck would further tighten. A furious look on his face, at the other man's invasion of his mind.

Tell me what you saw. Or I will BREAK your NECK, like a damn TWIG!

>You get the feeling, that the Praetorian officer is serious here...