ITT: Completely useless magical/enchanted items. Need to fuck with some players

>a sword whose blade goes limp and soft as soon as it's drawn
I did this one once. Except it just started screaming in terror when drawn, then gasped in horror and went limp and soft after they killed someone with it.

Viagra you dolt

...

That mirror would be fantastically trolly for castle defense.

>There's a bend in the corridor up ahead.
>[spot checks]
>A mirror has been mounted on the wall to allow line-of-sight around the corner. The next hallway is empty.
>"Oh, then we'll just walk around the corner."
>[surprise round]

>incooperative spear
I could definitely use this
>ring of invisibility & intangibility
Eh, a little too useless. I'd like them to be able to see it and think it might be good for something.

>boots of hell
Love it
>simulation arrows
Could still be used for shock and awe purposes, could definitely scare some people with it. But how about arrows that lose all momentum as soon as they touch something? As in they pierce nothing, they seem to hit it, stop dead, and drop.
>colossal cape
Fucking love this one

This is gold. I will absolutely use this.

Ehh, most of these are more in the realm of "mildly cursed" rather than just totally useless, but I think I can make a few of them work.
>dice that always land cocked
>bookmark that always slips out
I like the hat one too. The rest I'll do some thinking on.

A little more complex than what I'm going for, but I do really like the idea. I'll probably end up using this.

Ah... well, you could have been a lot more of an asshole about that, and I thank you for not being so. It's been a long day.

This is great, anons. Keep it coming.

>>a looking glass that doesn't reflect people or animals, just shows an empty room
That could be useful, anyone who it reflects is a monster or something weird. Like reverse vampire detector!

>Like reverse vampire detector!
Regular mirrors reflect normal people, but not vampires.
Magical mirrors reflect vampires, but not regular people.
What happens if you put a magic mirror and a regular mirror on opposite walls of a hallway?

A cup that immediately falls over if you put it on a coaster

>Wake up, with a pretty large concussion
>That awkward moment where everyone but you reflects on them
>However nobody told you which one is which
>they're just mirrors that reflect everyone but you and then only you.
>Except someone is an actual vampire
>Most popular reality show in wizard sphere.

they both show a different Pink Floyd album cover

Bagpipes of invisibility. Works only while played.

A sword with four gems set into its pommel.

Holding the sword and speaking the word "honor" causes the first gem to light up, and the sword to begin vibrating slightly. If no action is taken, the gem's light will go out and the vibration will cease after one minute.

Speaking the word "duty" while the first gem is lit causes the second gem to light up, and the sword's vibrations to increase. The words must be spoken in order, and saying anything other than "duty" second will prematurely dull the first gem, forcing the wielder to start over.

Speaking the word "faith" while the first two gems are lit causes the third gem to light up, and the sword to begin audibly humming. As with the second word/gem, this one must be done in order.

There is no fourth word.

The sword was used by a sect of paladins as a training device. Initiates were given these swords and told that Honor, Duty, and Faith were needed to wield the weapons. Most initiates quickly discover the sword's property, and would invariably try to figure out the fourth word; eventually, they would learn that those three alone are all one needs, just as a nonmagical sword is sufficient to defend the weak and protect the helpless.

Time to spook an old castle in the Highlands.

I have a few things:

>The Almost-Dead Phone of Bullshit
This is a magical cellphone that always has full battery, unless you actually need it, in which case it'll always be at 5% and no amount of charging will help, until it's no longer needed.

>Pants of Eternal Piss Driblets
Wonderful, snazzy looking pants. Every time you leave the washroom, you'll have visible piss driblets on your crotch.

>Rhyming Meat of Liquid Death
It looks delicious, smells fantastic, and tastes... almost perfect. Once ingested, you now need to speak in rhyme for a duration of time proportionate to the amount of meat eaten, and if you fail to rhyme, you're immediately immobilized in the bathroom.

>The Hell-Couch
An ordinary, comfortable couch. Perhaps it's too comfortable. If you sit on this couch for too long, at first it steals some change from your pockets, then it makes you lazy and lethargic. Finally, the couch provides you with the world's most comfortable blanket before it wraps you up like a spider, and sucks you inside like a sarlac pit. It has a fatal weakness to powder doughnuts, caramel, and "snail trails" from sitting in the nude.

A harp that is never quite in tune.

A rope that keeps coming untied.

A pair of boots: when you try to walk in them, you feel a very small rock in one of them.

A container with a strange greasy unguent. Anyone who touches it leaves greasy black fingerprints on whatever they touch for the next 24 hours. It can't be wiped off, and trying usually ends with both your hands being affected. Clothes soiled this way can't be cleaned except via magic... after the 24 hours is up. Having this crap on your hands is unpleasant enough that the character must save to avoid compulsively trying to wipe it off.

Alchemist's bathroom tissue: non magical. Toilet paper, but made from poison ivy.

Not OP, but I really like this idea.

While it kinda kills the whole "completely useless" thing OP was going for I love the idea of five or so score of warriors playing these pipes and walking their way up to an enemy fortress. As the fortress guards scramble about the top of the walls trying to find the source of all the music it suddenly stops and before them stands an army of warriors now reaching for their weapons.

The party comes across a bank, either they are robbing it or it has been robbed.

Among the typical treasure in the vaults are the security lock boxes. Make sure that there are only diamonds, jewels, gold etc in the lock boxes. Every one has something precious and sell-able.

Except one. One has a slip of paper with a recipe for deviled eggs.

The recipe calls for some fairly rare components. Eggs from the hens of a farmstead not far from where the players are, but far beyond the city. Paprika from a far away country and a special dill from a war-torn nation run only by warlords and bands of raiders.

Once the ingredients are collected, the actual cooking of the eggs is not an easy task either. And the yolks require a very delicate whipping with mustard that has been ground, creamed and made into a paste that very same day.

These eggs, when completed, are pungent and powerful. The first adventurer to eat them is almost overwhelmed with the think aroma and delicate flavors.

They. Are. Exquisite.

They also cause anybody who eats them to roll disadvantage on stealth rolls for 48 hours.

There are no other mechanical effects.

>intelligent weapon that is constantly terrified and horrified by the idea of killing

beautiful

Waterproof cloak.

It is an absolutely wateproof cloak. Even if the wearer falls in water it still stays completely dry. This effect is achieved by cloak through to the fact that it is completely permeable to any and all liquids. During most horrible rain it will stay dry but its wearer will be wet from head to toe.

>Bag of Losing
A bag of holding that works as normal except the item you're looking for is always the 4th item you pull out of it.

>Basilisk Eye Ichor
Upon further inspection, this is snake oil. You've been had.

>Ring of Sharp Memory
A while after putting it on, the wearer gets nagging feeling that they're forgetting something important.
>Ring of Southerner
The wearer begins every sentence with "I'm not racist, but" without realizing that they're doing it.
>Thunder Glove
When the palm of the wearer is slammed against a surface, emits a loud boom that sounds like a thunderclap. Will most likely disorient the wearer because of how loud it is.

What happens if I'm not looking for anything in particular?
What happens if I change my mind about what I'm looking for after pulling out 1-3 items?
What happens if I pull out three items and then wait for anywhere from seconds to years before pulling out the fourth one?

>Thunder Glove
Makes the user thunderstruck

>What happens if I'm not looking for anything in particular?
You empty it.
>What happens if I change my mind about what I'm looking for after pulling out 1-3 items?
Resets
>What happens if I pull out three items and then wait for anywhere from seconds to years before pulling out the fourth one?
Then it's the next thing that's pulled out, as long as the other items are not replaced and nothing else is pulled out of the bag.

This is actually good, though. As in, it's a legitimately very nice cloak, given you wear it like a cloak and not a cape. I can see myself using it to wrap up a spellbook or very important document, too, just in case.

a ring that lets you wear an extra ring

What's the point in wrapping anything with it? It will be dry but your document and spellbook will be wet. This cloak protects only itself from water not everything else. At best you can say that you will always a piece of dry bedding. Problem is you can't use it on a wet surface because while cloak will be dry you still get wet.

It would work as a shock absorber, though.

Put it right above where you sleep and make a small tent with it. As for wrapping, get some string and tie it really tightly. Extra points for using some sort of sealant or adhesive on the cloak itself (as long as it's relatively dry, so it'll actually hold)

Helmet of hindsight- this helmet says annoying things to the wearer like "shouldn't have done that" and "big mistake" but only after the wearer has made a crucial error.

It is permeable to water. If you make a tent it will just rain directly on you through cloak.

If I want more than one item do I have to take out three others in between each desired item or just three to begin with?
What happens if there are fewer than four items in the bag and I try to take one out?
What happens if I want to take out all the items that are in the bag at the same time?

But not if you seal it with something to keep the water out.
Great idea.

A skintight bodysuit that, with the magic word, creates a water-repelling force field a feet around it. Thing is, it works inside too.

So why not use any cheap cloth for your makeshift tarp?
But since the cloth doesn't catch waterweight, it's actually decent in environments where you will be soaking wet no matter what.

That would actually be useful. Not as a cloak, but as a water filter. Fold it a gajillion times, and just pour the water through it in order to filter it. You could also use it in the summer when you want your clothing to breathe and wick away sweat.

Or you could just use some oilcloth or practically any other form of fabric since you apparently happen to have something to seal fabric with. It's still dumb.

A cot or maybe warm weather clothing could be a good use for it though since it sounds like this basically amounts to a porous mesh. Maybe swag out your kit or armor lining using the stuff.

Ring of visual charisma
Once you wear it you become more attractive visually but makes you act rude in dialogues and pc interaction.

>A mirror that requires a will save, or the holder grows suspicious.
This one WILL fuck up the more paranoid in your playgroup. Use with caution.
>A collar that causes the wearer to feel fingertips stroking along their neck and back.
Created for a wizard tired of petting his cat.
>Silent Bagpipes
>A small cork plate on legs with the instinct to scurry beneath any waiting hand.
Essentially, an animated coaster, eager to fulfill its functions, but far too distractible to do anything effective.
>A container of lesser spoilage
Easily sealed, but anything inside it goes slightly bad after an hour. The pork looks slimy, the cheese smells moldy, the bread got slightly stale inside, the sauce separated and its fat congealed, etc. It's not bad enough to make you suffer, just a bit off. Food inside still spoils at the usual rate afterwards.

Disobedient Drake
Summon a teenage Dragon. Commands will work 45% of the time. 5% chance of Dragon attacking you instead.

Glasses that show the wearer "people as they truly are", rendering the good as angelic and bad people as vile demonic creatures.

Upon wearing them, the wearer sees their own reflection and almost everyone around them as the most vile creatures one could imagine, thematically appropriate to the person they're looking at's sins.

The glasses do exactly what they say, but were build a couple of hundred years ago and reflect the values of that time. They are also kind of over-sensitive. So things like having unkempt hair or showing a bit of ankle will cause a person to appear as an unspeakable horror.

>a sword whose blade goes limp and soft as soon as it's drawn

This hit too close to home...

On the other hand, once the players realise what the mirror does, have the next time they use it see a room they can't see in reality.
Turns out wall mimics don't show up in the mirror and they can see beyond it.

>Bin of ultimate destruction
It is a bin that so totally destroys any solid matter you throw into it, that it never existed.

Emergently speaking, all matter that exists is matter that will never under any circumstances enter the bin, and therefore the bin appears to be protected by fate to prevent anything ever getting in it. Any attempt to throw or drop something in will be knocked out of the way by a stiff breeze or the bin falling over. Those who try and climb in suffer a stroke immediately upon starting the attempt. All because of the Anthropic Principle, namely that we exist in the world where nothing entered the bin because it is the only world that can still exist.

That's more of a curse seeing as it would kill the user.

I put a Spear of Divine Might/Right in my games.
It cannot be touched by evil. Once of my players held it up to the evil half orc in the party. It was repealed like a magnet, and he still wondered why he couldn't hit any evil creature with it.

A set of cookware that is enchanted to always produce acceptable food, no matter the skill of the cook or quality of the ingredients (as long as they're edible to begin with).

The food can never be any better than "meh" quality, even if the best chef in the world is cooking, slowly causing damage to morale the longer it's used.

>An enchanted set of clothes made to look like a master crafted suit of plate armor.
>A magical ring that shrinks just tightly enough to cut off blood flow. Detects as very powerful.
>A bag of holding where any item you put into is impossible to retrieve when you actually require it.
>A pair of boots that make a high pitched comical shrieking voice instead of footsteps when the wearer makes an attempt to move quietly.

Give it to a strong/heavy enough person and it can act like a force-field, at the very least could be made into a useful alarm with some bells.

Sharp Gems
Magically imbued gems that have a chance of cutting through whatever is holding them, be it bag, pack it crate. They might even cut themselves on them if you want, but I like more of a timebomb approach.

A necklace with a figure of a small, wooden knight on horseback. It makes the wearer more courageous. It can also detect evil at a great distance, and does so by becoming animated, breaking free of its bindings and charging at a surprisingly fast pace toward the source, all while loudly shouting unintelligible swears.

An axe that is capable of chopping into nearly any substance, be it flesh, wood, or stone. However, it can never cut THROUGH anything completely, even a hair, and instead, gets impossibly stuck for 48 hours.

Glasses that smell mildly of sulfur. When you wear them, nothing special happens. But when you take them off, you're looking straight into hell. You cannot see the normal plane you're at anymore. You can only see into hell. If you want to see where you are, you gotta keep wearing those glasses.

>An unbreakable shield. It's unbreakable because it transfers all the force of any attack blocked to the wearer's arm.

>A sword only capable of cutting skin deep. It's a shame too, because it looks really menacing and impressive.

>A helmet that when worn makes any woman repulsed by the character and any man consider him his inferior.

No, it would just repel itself away from the water in the user's body, making it stretch out in al directions.

Essentially, a wizard tried to invent a method to stay dry and instead made a magical fat suit.

an instrument that can only be heard by and calls insects, squirrels or some some small animal. a harp that calls all spiders around. a conch that calls all snails around?

a crate, bag or chest that can be filled with content and will hold it until it's moved at which point the content slips trough and under it.

a deck of cards that can't be shuffled

a radiant block of super dense material, it's warm and emits a faint light. 1x2 inches weighs 60 lbs. this might be super useful depending on your party.

>Ring of Paranoia
Renders the wearer Invisible, but only to those looking directly at them. The wearer still appears in onlookers' peripheral vision.

>Constable's Arming Sword
A run-of-the-mill looking sword that only deals blunt damage with the flat of the blade. Damage is never lethal.

>Axe of Throwing
A hand-axe that, when thrown, will instead launch the wielder 1d4+1 yards ahead.

>Griswald's Knot
A 50' length of rope that remains in a perpetual balled mess. Unravelling the knot takes 1d6 minutes, at the end of which, the rope remains stuck. Further attempts take 1d6 minutes, +1 for each additional attempt.
The rope cannot be cut.

>Brooch of Water Breathing
Cursed item. When worn, the wearer's lungs partly fill with sea water. Not enough to kill the wearer, but leaving them incapable of most action as they gasp and cough up water.

Ah, truly a useless magical item. Bravo.

>turn that into Hammer of Throwing and you got yourself Mjolnir.

Meant to say the Axe stays put.

I remember a few from when /tg was new.
Bag of Chewing. Actually a larval Mimic; it's like a bag of holding, but it's got teeth on the inside and will chew the hell out of anything placed therein.

Longsword of Fragging. Against anyone or anything the bearer identifies as a foe it's a Merciful Longsword - it twists and warps in the user's hand, and won't allow them to land a killing strike. Against friends, family members, employees, colleagues, cohorts and followers it's a Keen Vorpal Longsword.

Crystal Crown Of Boundless Intelligence. Appears to be a crystal circlet when not worn, after being worn for 24 hours it will start to grow thorn-like structures in every direction, and double the wearer's intelligence. The limit to how often this can occur depends on how many days it takes for the crystal thorns that are growing inward to cause fatal brain damage (four days for a human). After two days the crown must be surgically removed from a human - it is too deeply rooted in the skull to simply be pulled off.

>The ring of chaos
+3 to spellcasting accuracy, but if it was the reason you landed your spell, it explodes for 1D20 damage

Boots of blinding speed

Scroll of Icarian Flight

>Longsword of Fragging. Against anyone or anything the bearer identifies as a foe it's a Merciful Longsword - it twists and warps in the user's hand, and won't allow them to land a killing strike. Against friends, family members, employees, colleagues, cohorts and followers it's a Keen Vorpal Longsword.
Perfect for settling disputes between party members.

>looks through spyglass for fun.
>sees empty room
>suddenly something moves, dead body appears in the center of room, with each type of flesh separated perfectly.
>inhuman eye fills your view.

> Staff of magic override.
This staff neutralize all magic effects in a radius of 20 metres, the problem is it's also neutralizing its own ability so it's basically just a staff.

> Potion of seduction
If a man drink this potion he become suddenly really attractive to women but he is also totally impotent.

> gloves of transmutation
Can turn gold or silver into lead

>spyglass that fogs up as soon as you put it to your eye
You mean, free condensed water as long as I can raise and put it down? I'll take ten.

Sounds way better and fuckier than foggy glasses

How about a sword of reflection ?
All wound's you should have inflicted on your enemy are inflicted onto yourself too, once you let go of the blade.

In case you use a HP system i would suggest that the player recives the 50% of total damage inflicted.

Bonus points: make the sword pretty good and have your player bite his own ass over deciding if he uses it or not.

Bonus Bonus points. The sword is not cursed, it's a blessed weapon of a good of law which shall teach it's user the gravity of ones own actions.

...

>Potion of seduction

Literal rick and morty

Sorry, I don't go to Tumblr

A book whose words only show what you are thinking.

A candle that inmediately puts itself out when lit.

A "never-ending rope" which is actually just braided into a circle.

Decaf coffee.

That axe is the worlds greatest piton. Stick it upside down into any surface, and tie a rope to it.

What is the point when it gets impossibly stuck?

>Cantankerous Knick Knack
A small, miscellaneous item (could be anything at the GM's discretion). The Knick Knack's owner can't bear to part with it and no matter the intent, the Knick Knack will always be the first item the owner retrieves from their knapsack.

>Rod of Immolation
When the wielder holds the Rod aloft and utters the command word, the rod and everything in a 5 foot radius explodes.

The rod of immolation looks like the perfect suicide weapon.

>A book whose words only show what you are thinking.
with some slight tweaking this could be really trolly
>book of memory
a book with all the memories of it's wearer written down , things that are forgotten disappear from the book

Oh man, then it becomes tragic as the old mana book gets emptier and emptier until one day it is blank...

30+ yo and still shitty humour here, sorry
>Ring of precious excretion
You feel sick immediately after putting the ring on. After a little while you barf a small quantity of semi-precious material randomly chosen in a prepared table. Silk, nacre, gems, whatever your world considers semi-precious. The quantity depends on the time you fought back the sickness. You feel sick for a few hours after.

Rod explodes, you explode, your armor explodes, blades of grass explode, dust explodes, air explodes, rocks explode.
That friend that stands next to you? He explodes too.

One of my favorites from an 80's edition of Dragon Magazine (the April edition, obviously)

>Scroll of Feign Invisibility

Upon casting the spell from this scroll, a powerful illusion cloaks the caster, such that all creatures viewing him must make a saving throw vs. spells or else believe the caster is invisible, but that they are somehow able to see him nevertheless.

I created a list of items like these to hand out to my players. Some are more useful than others. The idea was to roll randomly to see which they get, hand it out for free, and if they bring it back with a story of how it can be useful, they get a reward for it. Some of the items are probably already mentioned here or well-known, but I'll copy-paste the whole list anyway.

>Scroll of the Ancient's Tongue
A scroll that instantly teaches its reader a long forgotten language. The scroll is written in that same language.

>Purse of the Novice Counterfeiter
When the owner places a Gold Coin within the purse, after 24 hours, it will produce 2d20 replica coins. These coins are obvious fakes to anyone except the owner.

Wand of Straight Scrying
Shows an image of any area that you have a direct line of sight to, as if you were there (Magnifying glass)
Spyglass of Fate
When you look into the spyglass, it will show you exactly where you will be if you walk in the direction you were pointing it
Ring of Limited Wish
Ring that grants access to Wish; only Wish that can be made is wishing for more Wishes
Amulet of Detect Thought
Able to tell if something is thinking. The stronger the thought, the stronger the detection. It was used to detect an invisible assailant.
Gauntlets of Teleporting
On command word, Gauntlets switch place. Unique in that the magic works even with one gauntlet, but one has to experiment to find out.
Wand of Disintegration
What it says on the tin
Key of Untold Relief
Any door opened with this key opens into a bathroom
Socks of Never Mismatch
One sock. When put on, another one that is exactly alike is created around your other foot, until either is taken off
Ring of Invisibility
When put on, the ring can not be seen
Pen of Neverending Story
Never runs out of ink
Perfect Toothbrush
Perfectly cleans and even restores scratches and tiny chips, even when not used on teeth
Wand of Perfect Teleport
User can pick any place, even not on this Plane. Wand is teleported to there
Foreign Pouch
Transforms all coins put in into the currency of the area you're in (of equal value)

A longsword that deals increased damaged to pigs BUT only when those pigs are in flight. Good luck finding a flying pig to justify using this longsword over others.

The formatting looks fucked, so let's try it with greentext
Ring of Doubt
>Is this thing really magic? It's subtle
Amulet of Inverse Telepathy
>Screams out your thoughts
Pepper Mace
>When it hits something, it turns into a cloud of pepper. Reforms (leaving the pepper behind) in 6 seconds. Anybody hit by it has a sneezing fit (Dazzled for one round, 1d4 rounds if it has the Scent ability)
Crossbow of Planet Slaying
>Arrows automatically redirect to the nearest planet-sized object. No Attack Roll needed.
Coin of the Hidden Path
>When flipped, always lands on its side
Amulet of Foreboding
>Plays a soundclip (pre-recorded, but can be changed) whenever the wearer's name is spoken. DUUU-DU-DU-DUN
Ring of Magic
>Allows the wearing of an additional Magic Ring
Wand of Create Wand
>1 Charge. Creates a single Wand of Create Wand
Rod of EverLight
>A tube with a revealable pebble that has a permanent Light cast on it (read: flashlight)
Fool's Gold
>A pouch filled to the brim with coins and jewels of all sorts of value. Taking them out reveals them to be generic rocks and leafs after 1d4 seconds.
Ring of First Impression
>Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.
Wing coins
>When you flip them, they stop in the highest point of their arc and hover there, continuing to spin and emitting a humming noise that sets teeth on edge, until their command word is said, at which point they fall normally. Great for annoying the shit out of people when making bar bets.
Wing coins (cheating)
>Exactly as the Wing coins, except both of their sides display the same face (either heads or tails). Their command word is set to be whatever side is not displayed.

The single glove of clapping
>It's a single leather glove. When worn, a command word causes it to make a clapping noise.
Earmuffs of songs
>A special theme song plays for your character (out of no where) every time he does something interesting, but he can't hear it himself.
Tome of Uselessness
>Whenever this plain brown tome is opened, it closes (as the open/close spell).
Shield of Missile Attraction
>All arrows/ranged weapons aimed within 10" of you, will be attracted to you. You get a -5 on your AC against ranged weapons, and a -10 if it was aimed at you
Ring of Mutual Giveaway
>Allows the wearer to discern the location of any enemies hidden behind secret doors or walls. However, the only way to discover hidden foes is by knocking on every surface of the room to the tune of "Shave and a haircut" until the enemy is compelled to finish it (this is a mind-affecting effect).
Woolly Bulette
>This is a plush toy of a Bulette. It is very cute, and when squeezed, plays a few bars from an older song that everyone finds catchy, but no one quite knows the lyrics to.
Deck of Offense
>A seemingly normal deck of cards, except every non-number card has an image of the drawer's mother/father/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/sister/brother on it in a compromising position
The Red Armor
>Reduces your CON to 1 and has a slight mind-affecting effect to have enemies target you over others.
Character Sheet
>Will show the wielder all sorts of frighteningly accurate info about him/herself. However, some people do not have the abstract feature of being "chosen", and this may skew the results to be a bit less trustworthy. In addition, it is written in a font only the wielder can read. Others can only discern numerical values (and length of lists, etc).
Bagpipes of Stealth
>Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.