Field Kit Inspection: Greenskins on Ice Edition

Form up, men! Neat and orderly; just the way I like it!

Men! This is our moment of glory! The moment when, we, as soldiers of the Imperium, show our true might. When we show these foul Greenskins, that they cannot stand before the might of Mankind!

We shall cut a holy swath through our enemies ranks, like a power sword cutting through Astarte's brand butter, and wipe them from the face of Shale's Ice!

Many of you will no doubt die. Not from enemy fire, or in the glory of melee combat. But from freezing to death, due to the simple fact that many of you, have traded your "Munitorum brand mittens", for ALCOHOL!

As such, I am calling for a surprise Field kit inspection, so that I can more easily determine which of you, is most likely to their hands, and die from the cold weather!

As such, present arms and armour, for a Field Kit Inspection!

>Welcome to ''Field Kit Inspection", home of the 'Unknown Regiment". Feel free to join in! Remember though, we tend to use spoilers for OOC chat, while greentexts for are used for describing a character's actions. D20s are for combat checks and d100s for other things you wish to roll, with higher being better.

Drink keep us warm mon'kleigh

Arrr to be fair, alcohol warms people up, yarrr.

Good thing my robes are warm and snug

Drink keeps us warm mon'kleigh

>A man walks up to the commissar, at his side a thick black book chained to his side with a bark iron band of rings

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am...........your new.....pyker

>he looks around

wwwwwwwwho are you?

Third Company Captain, Matthias Wyvern, reporting for duty, Commissar!

Third Company is fully equipped, and are wearing their mittens, as ordered! No one here, is losing their hands from frost bite, under my watch!

Agreed

>Heavy duty robes with a fluffy lined hood cover the techpriest from boot to mechadendrite
>No really, he's somehow gotten a knitted cozy over his robot tendril
Reporting in, commissar! I could only find one mitten, but I only have one organic hand so it works out!

Did the old one explode already? Shame, I liked that one.

Pssst 3rd company soldier. See this Keg of Rum, I can trade it with you for mittens, what do you say about it?

Hello rho, I have heard about you. Mostly that due to your failure to equip that strange abhuman with a weapon he died a few hours ago. I will make sure to take any technical complaints up with someone else

>Matthias would shake his head.

I'll afraid I'll have to turn you down on that one. I don't drink often. Nor am I willing to risk losing my hands from frostbite, on a world that's colder than Fenris.

Ahh, mon'kleigh psykers. How amusing to watch. It's like a child gifted a cyclonic torpedo on sanguinala, to put it into terms you would understand. You have absolutely no idea what you are messing with.

Matthies arrr buddy, I'm talking to one of your yarrr fine soldiers. But if you want rum, I can give ya a bottle for free harharrr

Wait, which one? This regiment has a few that could be called abhuman.
Oh forget it, it probably was my fault, again...

Agreed. Now would you be interested in buying some choice completely legal medical mechadendrites? Only 200 thrones a piece you filthy mon'kleigh!

>the pyker looks at the "guardsman" [xeno] ......and grins with distorted teeth.

ttttttttttttttell me xeno...... have you ever contemplated......the madness of the warp?......the fact that some.........thing creates order amongst the chaos......and iiiiiiiiths servants.........may use it?

>he leans closer

nnnnnnnnnnnow tell me.........have you ever consideredddddddddddd......... what pure madness.........would look like?

>he looks into the xenos eyes, his own changing color into a resemblance of the warp.....despite most pykers eyes being burnt away

hhhhhhhhhave you?

To be fair sir, I was able to get us a good deal.

Rolled 70 (1d100)

Get the fuck away from me you creepy ape.
*roll for telekinesis fling*

This definitely isn't the pizza delivery guy

After last time, I'm leading medicae to those who actually scored on medicos aptitude tests.

I'm fairly sure you're not going to last a week. Either that or you'll be near immortal.

Just.. please try not to explode near me?

>the unnamed guardsman in gray marches to the line and snaps to stoic attention
>his uniform, though worn and tattered, is in order
>his large bore lasgun is clean and polished, though clearly very old

Rolled 63 (1d100)

>rolling for countering

not that it would do much because..........I wont spoil it

>he spins in the air cackling like a mad man

Suit yourself, I will just rob you some other way then.

Hah! That would imply I have anything worth stealing!
Ha... heh.. oh.. I am not in a good place right now.

Alcohol, is never a good enough reason to risk losing your hands! No matter how much is involved!

>The Commissar, is rather quick to take notice, of the unnamed trooper, whom had only just now, arrived.

Trooper! You had better have a good explanation as to why you are not only late. But are also missing your name tag!

You could always take out a loan. I like giving people loans. Only 4(0000)% interest! What do you say filthy xeno?

>going several meters back, he lands on his feet with an unnatural grace

tttttttttttthat was amusing little elder........greatly amusing.......dddddddddont do it again

>his grin is lopsided but it only lasts an instant before he turns to more "fun" aspects of this regiment

wwwwwwwwwwwwho are....you master........tttttttttttech priest?

>he looks around for any particularly interesting items or clue to what the priest has been working on

I hate having to hear you speak. I just wanted you to know that.

Harrharrharrharrharrrr guess who got new munitorium standart mittens?

I love you too

Are those really supposed to be able to be used in a fight? How can you even hold a murekh with those on?

Hospitaller Illya Mirabelle, reporting as ordered, Commissar! As always, if our boys have wounds, I'll make sure they feel better!

I have a rather good vox catcher system, I can hear you muttering those zeroes.
Maybe try that on a feral worlders or something, not one of the machine god?

Where do you even get the capital to start offering loans anyway?

What? This?
>holding up his current project while waiting on inspection, it's revealed to be a servo skull
Nearly got it working, a little challenge to make it without replacing any components besides the capacitor.

Well. I am the new regiments sniper, so, what is going on?

Eshairr.

Arrr they are here to keep my hands from freezing off between drinking and killing landlubber.
Arrr not her again

>the pyker holds out a box for the techpriest .......... when did he get a box?

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyour order..............is served.........sir

iiiiiiiiiiiiiii am sure you...............master tech priest can do it.....given sufficient time


>the pyker shivers in disgust as the sister draws near

ssssssssssssssister lllya, a moment please

>he trys to contain his disgust

Well first of all feral worlders don't have metal limbs that can be melted down and subjected to dannan so they are scrapped and resold. And secondly it's surprising how much money you can make when you disregard the book of judgement. Want to go on a pirate adventure with me to cover your debt to me?

Reconnissance Corporal Chenkov reporting for duty, commissar-comrade. i have been sent from the Valhallans to join your regiments.

Hands? Don't pretend to have hands. Though it is rather cute.

Sir. There were several small fires in the motor pool. I took the initiative to extinguish them. As for my name, the men of Carolingea do not see fit to openly wear identification. My name, however, is Leonidas Polk, rank of Sergeant.

Arrr okay those are closer to claws than hands, but still yarr the point stands

So long as we're not raiding, murdering and torturing Imperial citizens, honestly that sounds rather entertaining.

Indeed. Anyway would you care to join me on a pirate adventure in space? In 75 seconds?

Oh, neat, you are the pizza guy. Must have changed the uniforms and that regulation they had about not hiring lunatics
>The priest opens the box, then slams it closed
This is a hawaiian pizza isn't it. You sick fuck
Did someone say pirate adventure?

Da, comrade you like pizza. Well perogies are much better, especially from the Ploand region of Valhalla.

Allright allright you've tied my hands. Green skins then?

I did, the target is freebootas. The loot is anything you can hold. Interested?

Bit Sir. Current findings indicate that alcohol will stop the current effects of frostbite or at least stop the brain from realizing the hands are blackened

Arr does it have cash in it? Because I'm in this for the booty
>Takes out a map
And whoever is the ork in charge here, he has some impressive bppty to steal
Yarr you, techpriest come 'ere. Can ya upgrade me hook into a powerhook?

Anything you can grab first is yours. And what's this about a target?

We're here to kill orks, you're proposing killing more orks.
I'm not seeing any issue here! Sounds like a good use of time. Especially for thrones or technologies.

Rolled 14 (1d100)

>the pyker put s the box in his hands and smiles

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNo........its warp special.......for rude customers

>rolling for how much he is covered by a pizza exploding

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbe nicer...next time

Anything I can hold, you say...
>The techpriest looks at his many mechadendrites, and the deep pockets within his robes
Ok, I'm in

Arrr well the Ork is the taret of this regiment too, so we yarr can join in on the last assusslt and get the treasures, harharharrr

...Probably? I don't have the best track record, mind.
If you're willing, I'll give it a go?
Those with foresight across the entire sector wince

Why not heretics comrade, or maybe Tau.

Very well then. My sources indicate freebootas in orbit over the planet. We get in, we kill everyone, we steal everything and we crash the ship into the planet and off. Seem good?

Of course they send me Valhallans AFTER most of the dirty work is done...

Very well, Trooper Chenkov! Prepare yourself! I'll need you prepped and ready to take down the enemy Warboss, when he shows his DISGUSTING face.

I assume that means, you couldn't get the name option to work?

Why in the Infernal Eye, is there a fire in the motorpool? And mere minutes, before we're to attack the Orks base!

I see no flaws whatsoever in that plan

Arr...
>Rips out his cybernetic arm
Don't worry techlover, I 'ave plenty of arms to spare, yaharharr
>Places new one
We can try, harharharrr

Well, heretics are creepy. But Tau are just filthy xenos! So both are good, but I guess the blues would be my preference.

Count me in! I doubt the brutes will have much in the way of technology, but if they're freebootas they may have something interesting, or just valuable, in the hold.

So yeah... I might have potentially tried to raise the morale of the Leman Russ's machine spirits with a BBQ... using pure Promethium as fuel. Plus side, the tanks are all happy, right?

That is still NO excuse, to be trading away Munitorum property!

When I find out where all this alcohol is coming from.... It won't be pretty...

Follow me then, we're off to kill some greenscums!
MAEL DANNAN
*i would begin trekking off to the south, over to an invisible buried webway portal*
Follow me!

Yes, comrade! I will snipe him from afar, but I need a distraction.

>The priest follows him, several empty satchels on his back, and pulling an empty red cart behind him

Rolled 95 (1d100)

>considering we're probably in a base and for brevity's sake I'll assume the parts are available
>rolling for construction
Right.. just put the thingy right there.. charge the whatchamacallit.. tab a into slot b... recite the litany of Zappitude..

RHO! Grab your shit, we're following this flamboyant pederast into a magical space portal

Never know what them damn fool cogboys are thinking, sir. You'd best be served asking them. By your leave, sir, I shall prepare to advance for the assault.

[spoiker]No it works fine. As you see, I intended to put it on after introducing

>A couple minutes later, a roll of holy silver tape used up and some occult mumblings later, the hook looked.. fairly similar to before. If cleaner.
>A tracery of silver could now be seen on the blade however, and on a test activation flared into crackling blue light, sparks arcing in the hook as the signature blue hum appeared
And that... should about do it! Rather happy with-Oh shit! I'm on my way!

>charging after the Corsair, the techpriest tossed the heavy piece of wargear to Rog'alen with a grunt
Want to give a test run?

Allright, the first stage of piracy is digging!
X marks the spot and such so get to unearthing that portal and we will be well on our way to killing smelly orks!

...I knew this would have a catch. I didn't expect it to be this.

Now now, there's no reason to be sad. Besides you probably won't survive the return trip if this snowstorm keeps up! Now get rid of the snow.

W-Wait, we have to *cough* dig up the damn portal first? H-How well have you planned this little adventure, exactly?

Arrr ya landlubber! Where do we dig in a bloody ork krooza?

I promise you that this is the only (major) catch. Now we don't have all day because I'm not entirely sure how long days even are on hoth this planet. But really you should start digging before you freeze.

>sitting on the trenches lip, I look through the book chained to my side. I wonder if the sister heard me or if she just didn't care, I would find out eventually

Rho, you have to do all the digging, I hurt my back running away from the fire I started in the motor pool

Arrrr think we can "borrow" heavy equipment from, let's say arrrrr Third company?

We (you) dig up the portal, it connects to a webway gate that the orks stole, we go in and then we steal everything!

>Holds an electric stove to his metal mask, constantly cranking more power into it
When can we return to tropics and irradiated wastelands? I don't want to get a frostbite.

Now now, that removes all of the fun! Besides it would be good for some of you to indulge in manual labour!

Why would you- wait.. you- fire at the motor pool?
Motor pool equals fuel. Fire equals no more snow.

Let's melt the snow with burning promethium!

Oi, spooky! Any chance y-you can use those *cough* borderline heretical powers to dig holes?

Depends on where you want the hole to go, or what you want to crawl through it.

HEY, arrr drinking is a manual labour even on itself, although you wouldn't know anything about winning in drinking constests, herharharrr

I used all the promethium making a BBQ for the Leman Russes. You're not getting out of this. Now start digging, the snow is getting in my boots.

>Grabbing hold of nearby a Chimera transport. The Commissar would speak rather loudly, as he waved his Thunder Hammer, towards the frontlines.

Onwards men! We have no time to waste! The 102nd Brakkan Infantry, and 19th Aurren Armored Regiment's, are already assaulting the enemy base! We cannot allow them to take all the glory!

Hey I can drink! Liquids.
Soft drinks mostly.
I promised to lay off the alcohol.
Apart from when I want to.
GET TO DIGGING X MARKS THE SPOT

C'mon you two! You heard the Commissar! Either get in a transport, or start running! Either way, you're fighting!

>The priest yells back at him
Just a minute commissar, I need to tie my shoelaces
>He whispers to the group trying to get to the webway
Hurry up with the digging, he wants to kill himself and drag us all with him in the process

Rolled 77 (1d100)

Promethium is the fuel, so how are they going to- how are you my senior?!

... this is probably just going to go faster if I just start digging.

Rolled 24 (1d100)

Arrr Fine

Rolled 73, 60 = 133 (2d100)

>the pyker gets up and just hops onto the commissars transport, before beginning to utter a incantation.

ccccccccccccccccommissar........where did the sssssssister hospitaler go.........iiiiiii require her ..........services

>rolling for incantation and to see If I realise what I said.[not nessiserily in that order]

Rolled 89 (1d100)

*roll to use telekinesis on snow*
QUICK QUICK FASTER

I don't know how this works, all I know is my office, company car, and paycheck is better than yours is.

Aw c'mon s-sirs, we're tryin' to have *cough* space adventures over here! I'm s-sure the other forces can *wheeze* hold out 'til we're done.

Rolled 70 (1d100)

Yarrr
>Uses his three hands and a powerhook