That Guy thread: Behind your back edition

Tell us about times your GM screwed your character over in an unreasonable manner then passed it off by saying that a series of events happened behind the scenes that were out of your control that made things turn out that way.

A fun instance I once had of this was when my Bard decided he didn't like the king of a land very much, so he would try to become famous then after a while use his fame to undermine the king's rule. The local Church-equivalent that ALSO didn't like the king apparently had mind reading spies throughout the city then waited until my bard was alone to knock him out then implanted a stone into his body. The stone had 2 enchantments on it, one that kept it cursed to always be on his person, and another enchantment he didn't know about that apparently held a fairly high level demon sealed within it.

When my bard, freaked out by this weird stone, went to undo the enchantment he knew about, unwittingly undid both and unleashed a CR 14 or 16 demon on the king and his city, then got thrown under the bus for unleashing it after it was defeated and everyone found out he was the one who "summoned" it.

All of this apparently happened because my Bard had "open thoughts" about trying to dick with the king's rulership.

Living Campaign Storytime!

>GM's DMPC propositions knight character
>"I have a lady back home. I'll have to decline."
>Keeps pushing
>"No."
>walks off
>behind the scenes bullshit
>Suddenly lady on a bridge interrupts conversation he's having to say she loves him!
>"No, sorry."
>She jumps off bridge to her death. No chance to save her.
>"Bridge is cursed, if you deny somebody's confession, they have to kill themselves, lol."
>PissedKnights.png
>Another lady interrupts to say he raped her sister and caused her to commit suicide
>She starts swinging at him
>restrain her
>"Guards, he's trying to rape me!"
>guards materialize out of fucking nowhere
>arrested

Turns out, it was all the succubus' doing behind the scenes. I raised a stink because it was utter bullshit, then suddenly DMPC succubus gets caught by the GM's other DMPC, and the knight is freed. I'm told not to interfere with the GM's important scenes just because I don't understand them. He legitimately told me to just stay quiet if I couldn't handle the roleplay. The knight's player was absolutely pissed.

Another from the same campaign

>GM says he's running an encounter for low levels! 1-4 preferrably
>a bunch of level 6s decide they want to go
>My level 7 octograppler goes along but doesn't participate. Say it's to gauge their ability in combat, but mostly just want to see if the newbies know how to into combat
>Fight goes alright, the opponents have been pretty much incapacitated
>knight says they'll take them back alive
>level 6 Hellhound decides she doesn't want to, so she shoots them while they're tied up on the ground
>knight starts using special ability to get in the way of the shots so she doesn't kill an incapacitated enemy
>my character steps in, finish tying up people
>Hellhound comes up to coup one of them
>grapple her to the ground while she breathes fire on me
>her friend is telling me that's enough
>"She's a clear threat to the mission. I'll knock her uncon and we'll take her back"
>knock her uncon
>triggers Contingency she set up with the GMPC
>Contingency that costs more gold than any of the other characters have seen this whole campaign
>GMPC can't even cast Contingency, and the target is self anyway
>GM called out on bullshit, handwaves it away
>threatens everybody, but won't attack us because we didn't kill her
>Hellhound goes to jail
>broken out without any roleplay or rolls by another GM

They had a weird clique of players and GMs doing weird shit behind the scenes that was really against the rules. The rules by which everybody else had to play. The GM's characters were all higher level than most others. They had more money while we got maybe 20 gold for an encounter. One GM even founded another kingdom with all the gold he had, taking his favored players with him. Then all those players suddenly became GMs and they would run encounters for each other so they leveled faster than the other players. Any complaints the players brought up would be blocked by GMs defending other GMs, and the game eventually fell apart.

Christ, that sounds like my campaign in the OP, that campaign was basically the entire group's campaign, where anyone could be the GM if they had an idea for a session, but one of them took charge a bit and essentially got to run the show of stuff dealing with the actual city we lived in. There were other instances of my Bard getting dicked in that campaign leading up to that penultimate incident, not the least of which was another instance of him getting knocked out with magic when he was by himself and waking up with a package sitting next to him.

Not wanting anything to do with whomever was doing this to him, he tried to take the package to the station of the local authorities, which unbeknownst to him until he arrived the chief of that place was the heir to the throne of the king. Bard presents the package to the guards as well as tells them the skeevy circumstances in which it came into his hands, asks them to dispose of it but to be careful in case it's dangerous, then leaves assuming they'll know what to do.

Turns out the box had a bunch of magical runes inside that basically deleted everything in a 20ft diameter, to the point where you couldn't resurrect them because nothing of the body was left behind. Bard gets in trouble for this because it was noted that he was the one who dropped off the package, but everyone that was in the conversation he had afterwards was caught in the blast so nobody was left to corroborate his story about warning them about the potential dangers.

That's High Cancer. It got to the point with the GMs' characters just popping up that whenever they did, everybody ignored them because it was guaranteed to be some stupid shit with which nobody wanted to deal.

Eventually, there was some kind of issue with the Kingdom Building rules, and all but the good GM people actually liked said that he mismanaged it, and the city was going to fall into complete anarchy. Conveniently, this happened after that one GMPC started up his own kingdom, so you either had to submit to him, or trudge through the shit to get the kingdom working again, while all the GM favorites were earning disgusting quantities of money and power.

A ton of the players quit then. I became a GM for a second, and looked at all the sheets to see where all this was coming from, and the GMs all had random unexplained bonuses, 3pp shit (had to be approved by a GM, how convenient! Too bad they never told the players said items were allowed.), and huge amounts of unexplained money. I laughed, then left. At least I got to play a stupid custom race, though.

Good on you. I quit that group shortly after what I wrote in the OP partly because of what happened there, especially when my Bard got basically sent to a Kangaroo Court with the king as the judge and everything was pinned on him, with basically nothing he said being able to get him out of being executed. None of the rest of the party wanted to try and break him out of jail either because they'd gotten themselves really well established in the city and didn't want to risk that by getting caught trying to free him.

>Party is defending town from bunch of genocidal paladins

>Capture one guy, tie him up and start to interrogate him

>GMPC wants to take center stage, but rogue and monk start asking questions

>Suddenly paladin screams about us never being able to stop his goddess and stabs himself

>Waitwuth?.jog

>GM says nothing we can do to stop him and IC gmpc is annoyed we didn't let him interrogate

This was only the first session, and it would get a LOT worse from there on out

.....dare i ask how much worse?

Another incident from the same game:

>Party exploring cavern
>Killing slimes all good
>Suddenly, what we thought was a lake is actually a giant slime!
>You gottabekiddingme.jpg
>Told we can't fight as they have too much HP. Only escape is to climb a ladder
>mfw we are all support/Dex/magic classes who dumped str
>Slime gets closer, nobody can make the DC 20 climb check
>GMPC steps up and summons gravity elementals to "save us"
>not even close.jag
>Suddenly GMPC mentions he has a ring that let's him summon a demon lord (Baphomet iirc) and in exchange he has to bed her for the night
>WTF GM ARE YOU HIGH?
>Says if she beds him 3 times she can then rule the world by giving birth to a demon king
>He keeps on trying to use ring, pcs keep refusing to let him magically cheat us out
>Just as slimed about to hit we make the now DC 5 check and all escape
>Back in town learn that GMPC is son of a now dead god and has all his powers "locked away" until someone uses wish to free them
>GMPC also has the aforementioned demon lord trying to get into his pants while he somehow succecfully sleeps with every other female npc we meet

The GM was basically trying to wave his E-Peen in our face, and the only people who kept playing were those who had either invested a lot of time and effort into their pcs, or those who were perverted enough to want to wave their E-Peens as well

>>Back in town learn that GMPC is son of a now dead god and has all his powers "locked away" until someone uses wish to free them
Almost worth playing the campaign to it's climax to get that wish spell and use it to erase GMPC from existence instead, just for the look on the GM's face.

>I'm told not to interfere with the GM's important scenes just because I don't understand them.
Where does your GM live and how is his home security?
...asking for a friend.

You know that would only make him stronger, right? Wish spells are fodder for fucking over players by dick GMs.

I myself would say "The GM PC is wiped from the existence... Of your mind. Your PC now has amnesia and all thoughts and memories are removed from his head, and he is now akin to a child."

"Don't worry though, my GMPC is merciful so he casts a spell on your character to deage him back into a baby girl, and after fourteen years of bringing the now female character up she will be blissfully join his harem of her own free will where she will live forever being fucked by him every night."

Sounds like the only winning move is not to play. Let the dipshit have his power fantasies by himself.

Do you still play with That GM?

>"Don't worry though, my GMPC is merciful so he casts a spell on your character to deage him back into a baby girl, and after fourteen years of bringing the now female character up she will be blissfully join his harem of her own free will where she will live forever being fucked by him every night."
What in tarnation.

>Be me
>playing a meek pasty blonde elf wizard who rarely speaks up
>party made of a human cleric, a halfling rogue and a half-orc fighter
>said fighter specifically makes her half-orc hate elves
>after she learned that there was an elf in the party
>I brought it up but was handwaved that it "wasn't a big deal"
>half-orc proceeds to bully me every chance she gets
>not 'ha ha, lewd~' bullying, more serious things
>we run across a wand with scorching rays
>she keeps it and sells it later
>find a ring that acts as a focus and lets the caster cast fireball 1/day
>nope, sell that shit too, she has got to buy herself better things
>after a couple of sessions of her taking the party loot patience is waning
>she keeps taunting me IC "you're just a pussy, you don't deserve anything"
>IC and OoC I tell her that I don't find it kosher
>she doesn't react at all
>one evening we are running from a pack of gnolls
>cross a rope bridge but they cut it behind us before me make it to the other side
>rest of the party climbs up, I am second last, half orc comes behind me
>turn around and cast grease when she reaches up to pull herself to safety
>use my portent to make her fail
>she falls to her death on the spires of the chasm below riddled with skeletons and wights

I am not proud of what I did. But this kind of behaviour I find inexcusable.

I can't find fault in it, honestly. The player wants to play a dick character, the get treated like one. Maybe the next character they make won't be an asshole.

It will.

...

What was her reaction?

A classic of mine:
>Invited to a 3.5 game
>Ask the GM about the setting/plot
>"You know, your typical fantasy setting, the usual, nothing weird"
>Refuses to be more specific
>Ask the GM about the rest of PCs so I come up with a char that fills a role needed
>We agree they need a skillmonkey focused on stealth, perception, survival and traps
>Go Scout
>Due buttfucking awful rolls I have to go Dex archer
>Pick feats for skirmish damage and perception/disable device
>GM gives the go to my character
>Turns out the game is Ravenloft meets Eberron, every encounter, and I mean every ecounter, is against constructs, undeads, oozes, plants or elementals, but mostly the first two
>This makes that my character deals 0 damage in combat, literally 0 as they nullify my damage with their immunities
>Traps, which are all magic, have (by book) a lowest DC of 21 which means even with my +7 to perception and +9 to desible device (with feats) I can only like beat 1/4 of them
>Die in the first session
>Forced into ressurrection
>-2 to Con because of it
>"Is this shit going to be like this all the time?"
>No response
>Die in the 4th session, forced again into ressurrection
>"Like srly, I'm not having fun"
>Makes my complains a non issue
>By the 7th session I have down to 6 Con and 2 levels lower than the rest of the players
And that's when I said fuck it all and blew it, rolled a focused specialist conjurator with abrupt jaunt and cloudy conjuration, spell focus on some goodies, you know, your go to powergaming build to destroy games, and proceeded to ruin his game. In the 9th he was so angry that he kicked me.

Cont.

He even had me start kidnapped, naked, without equipment, component pouch, book, etc and I still escaped using magic in his face while laughing at my captors, he had to retcon the whole situation several times to the point he was DM fiating everything and adding an antimagic field and literally narrating, which by the way backfired because his kidnappers couldn't use magic and the moment he retconned the antimagic field again I escaped again

We've seen this story before and have seen it done better.

>Done better
Hey, sometimes I feel like explaining and writing more than others, it's also not a new story, this happened like 3-4 years ago so I might forget something now that I said before, so unless someone is copying me and changing stuff this was pretty much the real deal.

What am I reading?

At least you are calming down on the meme speak and .jpeg references. Well done friend.

...

It was at the end of the sessions: she shut up completely and talked very little after that when she left the house. Hasn't chatted in the whatsapp group either.

Good. It must have felt glorious

Whenever I've had shit like this it always seems to be a woman doing it. Can I have at least have 1 female player who isn't pure cancer?

1 female in a group of males is fine (and vice versa) but 2 females Ina group if males or 2 males in a group of females is a recipe for disaster

It works out okay if at least one of the girls is married.

>I was a warlock in a party of Clerics and Paladins
> be Lawful Evil, but very persuasive and good at hiding my nature
>DM forces my character to be restrained by magics, has this God NPC appear out of nowhere
>God NPC reveals to the Holy Party my deepest secrets and my Pact with a Fiend
>Beckons my pact holder forward and kills it with God NPC one hit
>Why?
>"I just wanted to see what would happen."

In his defense, he was tired, but it was horseshit.

Well she shouldn't have kept fucking with you after you asked her to stop.

See now that's the kind of thing that I would ask the DM to retcon the next time you all played if it was, indeed, one of those "I wanted to see what would happen" moments.

The rest of the players sound like assholes

>I am not proud of what I did.
Seems like the right move to me, IC or OOC

Ever notice how nobody quits the group in these threads?

My DM is making a huge mistake. He let me know he plans an "on rails" TPK next session. We have no chance, and up against over a hundred enemies in an anti-magic zone we are gonna die horribly. It won't even be fun.

He knows the other main personality in the group besides me will be furious. He doesn't realize I am too. I have spent a week thinking up ways to win, but I know there is no way. We have two new players who have never played before, too.

Oh, he plans to have them all resurrected. To be tortured. For years. And maybe then have a chance to escape, after we go so far past insanity we swing back around to sane.

I hate it. I hate it! TPK's should be a risk if, say, we know what we are getting into. Fight a dragon? Who can bitch about dying, we knew the risk. This? This is just bullshit. I may need to steal back the DM spot if this crashes and burns badly enough.

In my case, no need. The DM fucking up with an on-rails TPK for his "story" has played with me for years, and if everyone is mad I'll just take the DM baton back, since I am considered the best DM in the group. It's just been his turn. But his turn might be over sooner than he thinks...

Did the GM call for alignment check?

An oldie but a goodie.

> you have to make a climb check to climb this ladder
> you have to make an acrobatics check to walk across this floor
> you have to make a perception check to open your eyes
> you have to make a concentration check to breathe

This was beautiful.

Moments of pure justice like this make me happy.

>I am not proud of what I did
Why?

Because he is a nice guy?

You only see the true in people when they play an rpg user

>Party in town, everybody is separated
>Rogue player steals a book at the library
>Long story short, we go to kill a lich
>I died in the process but everyone in the party like me, so they go back to ressurect me
>Ambush by like 50 guards
>"We know you stole a book, you're going to jail"
>"We dont care about your dead friends, you're going to jail"
>skyrimguard.jpg
>Guards burns my corpse and take everything from the party

A. Fucking. Book.

What was the GM thinking?

Did you tell him that killing someone's character, let alone the entire party in the equivalent of a cutscene tends to piss them off? The only way I see this ending positively is if you got some sweet shit out of the whole idea

>alignment check
A what now?

I dont even know why he did that
My character was a nice bard, liked by both evil and good characters, and the DM and I were friends IRL

Im the sole man in a group of 7 people.
Works fine for me.

Perfectly justified. Your character snapped in a way that is perfectly reasonable for that character. He was pissed, but wasn't gonna start shit because he was a meek elf. As soon as the opportunity popped up, though...

If you aren't a Paladin or Cleric, and your alignment is restricting reasonable roleplaying, then you're doing it wrong.

>a classic of mine
>"we have seen this story before"
Really?, because he didn't made it clear in the first line, odd

>alignment check

You roll 1d20 plus your alignment modifier, dumbo

there's nothing worse than a good guy gone bad

Oh, have I warned him. His reaction to my warning is to regret telling me ahead of time. Which is a bad sign. It was fun to be a player for once instead of the GM.

a....alignment modifier?

Every step away from the alignment that matches your behavior is a -2 penalty to your alignment modifier.

Each snack you've given to the DM during the session, however, is a +1 bonus.

And if you fail you change alignment?
So you can change from a TN normal guy to a CE lol random murder hobo, after killing a half-orc?
Half-orcs aren't even full people.

Oh, no, of course not. There would be multiple instances of not being kosher with your alignment before that, and you just move one step closer to that alignment.

So you'd either go Chaotic Neutral or Neutral Evil after killing a half-orc, his half-elf brother, his wicked step-sister, and their adopted halfling parents.

All of you are praising a backstabbing turncoat.
Aye, the half orc was in the wrong, but that elf is a murderer.
I can understand she won't stand up for herself against a half-orc fighter,
but she should have talked to the other party members and giving them an ultimatum.
The half-orc goes or she goes. They can choose between a reliable ally or an half-orc who is not a team player.

I wonder what the reaction was of the other players after they saw her cast a spell that made the half-orc fall to her dead.
Why should they keep adventuring with a turncoat elf after they saw her murder one of them in cold blood.
Unless they are all crazy loonies that don't give a shit, then the ultimatum would not work and this is kinda justified-ish.

Or it was a situation of "glad the elf did it, because one of us was going to have to" in which case they low key pat eachother in the back.
Seriously, a turncoat? No way. Talk shit, get hit. And what the orc was doing was way beyond talking shit.
Anyways, I bet the problem player will shape up or will soon cease to be a problem all together if she keeps it up.

And this is why you bully lewdly, not crudely.

>gm says we're playing hunters
>we end up being turned into monsters
>I'm an abberation (basically get super powers)
>decide to make myself pretty much immortal
>a hunter approaches us and tells us to go to a abandoned barn
>later I say that there's a 99% chance they'll ambush us
>session ends
>some of the players are busy for over a month
>they're finally available again, but I'm busy the date the GM wants to play
>they decide to play anyways
>they go to the farm
>my character gets sniped in the foot and somehow dies
>another player eats my heart so he becomes a stronger mage

>there is no way a sniper would have been able to hurt me like that

If you're a greedy cunt you deserve death. Even in my evil party campaigns everyone splits loot equally and towards people's class gear. And we don't dick over our own party. This is like the #1 unwritten rule. You don't dick your allies over.

It's one thing if it's an OOC agreed on dynamic. But in this case the player specifically tried to talk them about how they weren't enjoying this.

The minute you throw out any appearance of being allies is the minute you lose the ability to cry about someone betraying you.

A bit of a shame, the players now know his secret for no reason. I'd rather make a new character and ask the GM never to do that again (or I'll leave).

No way to run away? Diversion?

It is something called escalation of violence.
You don't go from talking shit to lethal force.
If the party didn't trust him or hated him they should have kicked him out of the party at a nearby town.
Or in the wilderness at least she would have a fighting chance, with a sword in hand.
She waited for the half-orc to be at his weakest point and then decided to kick him while he was down.
That is First-degree murder.

Verbal assault and talking shit is not the same as betrayal or physical assault.
You don't go around deciding that your feelings are hurt, so it's okay to stab somebody in the back.

>murder
>somebody

You know it was a Half-Orc, right?

Half-degree murder.

>You don't go from talking shit to lethal force.
>You don't go around deciding that your feelings are hurt, so it's okay to stab somebody in the back.
You know fucking full well you're focusing on something on a detail no one was complaining about. No one gives a shit about the orc saying mean things, it's the fact that the half-orc was mechanically dicking over the elf and preventing them from getting any access to their share of the loot. Shit talking was just salt in the wound, by itself it would have been perfectly valid roleplay.

Nobody died though. There was no "lethal force", there was no "murder". One player of a game did things that inhibited another player from having fun, so they repaid in kind in a way that absolutely works in-character. Fuck off retard.

Would you only get half a court to judge you? I choose the defence half.

One experience doesn't make it fact. Nor does multiple green text stories.

Group has multiple women, and it's completely fine.

...

>giving unrelated parties ultimatums about your problems in real life

Yeah, that works well. Here's a fantasy example

>asking the dwarf to help an elf from a half orcs bullying
>when he's been chuckling about it the whole time

>asking the human ranger to help a elf from a half orcs bullying
>when the orc has abstained from most equipment the guy needs generally making life easier

>asking the mage to help an elf from a half orcs bullying
> when the orc has been a reliable meat shield and key defender while he casts

Both sides would have to be present or it wouldn't be an adversarial system.

How it would work is both the prosecutor and the defense would be cut off halfway through their opening and closing statements, only half the witnesses on the list show up, and the judge is absent 50% of the time.

The problems where in game.

If the rest of the party had no problem with the half-orc or if they think he did nothing wrong.
Why would they be okay with the elf kicking him off the ledge.
Why would they keep her in the party, knowing that she has no problem with killing teammates.

>mechanically dicking over the elf
I agree that the player was dicking her over, but if you are giving OOC justifications then they should have solved it OOC.

Did you not read the part where they tried to solve it OOC?

>The problems where in game.
What did they mean by this?

>IC and OoC I tell her that I don't find it kosher
>she doesn't react at all

Reading comprehension is overrated

>character fucks with and gimp you IC
>diplomacy doesn't work
>avoidance doesn't work
>eliminate the problrm IC

He was in the right and the result was fucking hilarious.

Can I choose when he's absent? I want him to be absent in the second half of the proceedings.

You can, but only with 50% accuracy.

Does his judgement only have 50% certainty and weight?

No, his judgement is at full capacity. But he can only use it half the time.

>> you have to make a concentration check to breathe

This reminds me of when my ex was beating me bloody with a martinet and was telling me to breath between hits.
This was so that I could take more but in the end I just forget to breath when I wasn't being told to.

No, but the elf wasn't the sort for direct confrontation. That was the personality type. I'm not saying the action was ethical, just that it made perfect sense.

And everyone else responding to this story:
Am I the only one that caught this bit:
>>half-orc bullies and keeps loot to herself
>>elf finally gets payback
>>she falls to her death on the spires of the chasm below riddled with skeletons and wights
Never do this.
Never, ever do this.
Do you have any idea how much loot you could have gotten from her corpse?
Damn man.

Loot... no.
This was about sweet, delicious vengeance.
Character should've switched to a sick sort of Lawful Neutral "Death to Betrayers" type.

>PF
>6th level chars
>Effective but not really optimized on GM's petition
>Ambushed by city's lawenforcers that we 100% know are under one of the bbeg's lieutenants
>Chances of dying if we surrender: 99%
>Decide to fight back and escape
>Literally overpowerd by lawenforcers
>Killed
Fuck this shit, 1. Why would fucking lawenforcers be more powerful than a 6th level group yet beg for adventurer's help when monsters or other shit attack? 2. Why not rocks fall and give us to choose between quick death or slow death?

Fuck this shit.
And now, even though we could totally have "lol teleport 1km away" shit we decided not to because the GM told us not to.

t. half-orc bully

>adventurers for hire, gold and glory their only reward, and expecting not to get murked when you withold someone's share

I'd have killed your character in a heartbeat and then I'd laugh in your bitch face.

>Track down runaway magic who put a curse on a town that turned all the adults into stone to stone
>Capture her
>"You need to bring me back to the town to undo the curse, if you kill me it will linger until the terms are fulfilled and the children pledge themselves to my patron, (spooky faerie eldritch thing)"
>Everyone but the party thief agrees to take the prisoner back to town
>Thief insists she can't be trusted and we should kill her now
>We can't leave the whole town stone, idiot
>Thief goes 'Hurr hurr I had to grow up without parents those kids can too it will make them STRONK like me"
>We tell him to shut up and then start to head back to the town
>Thief says he's trailing behind a bit to "watch for things from the swamp following us back"
>Draws his bow and shoots her in the back
>She dies
>What the fuck dude
>LOL WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, KILL ME?

I wish this story ended with "and then I killed him," but instead I emailed the DM about his behavior and the DM said that the player is just a "really strong roleplayer" and I should consider that he's just "playing to the strengths of his character" so I left instead.

I really regret that the ending wasn't"and then I killed him," though. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would have gone for it.

I recently had a Half-Orc paladin who crafted a badass magic hammer that I chained and smelted to my plate armor gave my character +5 AC. Now this hammer apparently drained max health from me and my strength. So no one could hurt me, I couldn't hurt anything but oooooh boy if I did get hit I was out for the count. I was basically Ashley Graham in that suit of Armor in RE4.

I also sacrificed one of the other PCs by praying into a dying fire and rolling a 20. Just to beseech my god but I ended up sending our Dragonborn to Dragon Satan.

this is how it should be. If your pcs are not treating every moment of your campaign as a round of combat and requiring rolls for breathing, walking, blinking and swallowing then you are playing an unrealistic game.

Listen, dammit. I, as a 40 year old man, have a sexual desire to be a prepubescent girl giving herself willingly and with much enthusiasm to a grizzled old hardened adventurer man but am also a all powerful demon spawn just needing a wish to unleash my power to rule the world but my only desire is to fuck my old man father figure and YOU my good sir are going to participate in my magical realm because I am the only person willing to run a game in a 40 mile radius available on Wednesday nights from 7 to 9 PM.

Now roll for penile girth, I need to know if you damage my pretend lolli vagina or not. I already rolled for vaginal circumference and trust me, I rolled low ;)