Field Kit Inspection: Ecclesiastical Sheep Edition

The average life expectancy of a guardsman is 14 seconds.
*slowclap*

>crawls out of the door
reporting for duty sir

had to take a leave of absence owing to problems with my augmetic lungs

>brandishes a large double barreled gun with glowing green coils at the ends and fixed with a large metal axe head
also needed to clean my new toy

I'm pretty sure we wrote you off as dead.
Twice.

It's not, it's very intricate administratum coding language that your feeble xenos mind cannot even begin to fathom

If you want to have a clash of the minds so I can display my mental superiority I'm game mon'kleigh.
But we both know the game can only end one way and we both know what game I refer to.
So how about you contain your ego?

>Brings nine 1 litre bottles of colour changing ink
Here honorable costumer, your order
Eldar!
>Spit's on the ground
Your raider and soulstone is at the docks, in a yellow crate

it will take more than a missing lung or a missing arm to keep me dead

but ive almost got bingo with the techpriests down stairs

>The adept says nothing, finishing the scribbles and drawing a long U shape atop them, before placing the form atop a small stack of other forms

Wonderful, I will go grab that shit.
No I mean the formal paperwork consisting of a sticky note and decade old binding that says you are dead was filed.

Oh, thank you my... uh... man?

Please honorable scribe, I'm your quartermaster, but you can call me Ars, yes.

But anyways.
Who wants plasma weapons that won't blow up when you use them?

>Slides into formation hastily, rubbing a luminescent pink powder from his nose

present

As a side note, I am looking for several troopers...
>He would stare out amongst the ranks of Imperial "guardsmen".

Private's Vu Chen and Bob Gunderson, Corporal Dak Ironwall, Sergeant van Kleez, and Captain Matthias Wyvern!

*shouts from a distance*
Hey mon'kleigh!
Check out my vampire raider!

>the young private would salute and stand at attention.
Uh, sir... I think the Adeptus Mechanicus may be playing tricks with me again as it seems my lasgun is powered by being wound up...
>he would show the commissar the curious lasgun that when wound up would play the tune "pop goes the heretic"

Present and accounted for, sir!

>Matthias would walk up towards the Commissar, before flashing him a crisp, firm salute.

Captain Matthias Wyvern, of the Third Infantry Company, reporting as ordered Commissar!

>I'd throw the Commissar a salute
Reporting sir!

I also wish to see, Adept Viktor Morvos and Hospitaller Illya Mirabelle!

>the krigsman would look at this curious weapon and he looks at the boy

how long do you expect to live?

*quietly*
Wanna take bets?

L-live? You mean not die? Well I mean I'd like to retire and settle down with a nice girl after a few tours, why?
>the young mans face would be full of innocence and he'd offer the kriegsman an honest smile.

>the adept pulls a form from a large stack and closely examines it, smacking his new cybernetic eye accidental when he forgets he isn't wearing his goggles.
Ah... uh... Due to a bureaucratic, uh anomaly, we were accidentally shipped a crate of Centurion Brand Little Laser toy lasguns. And we have no spare real lasguns. So you're gonna have to make do for now.

>the adept walks towards the commissar, fiddling with his new arms as he walks

this is not commisat approved, I will not partake in your bets.

>the krigsman gives it some thought

I will keep hold of the money and pay out to those who win, minus a small fee... *right*?

this way we can not loose.

>he waits for a response

>the krigsman laughs then grows serious

ignoring your desire to survive, whitch is sickening I will try to keep you alive.

>I toss him a las pistol

use a proper waepon

>The sister of battle Hospitaller, would make her way up the lines, and would flash the Commissar a salute.

Hospitaller Illya Mirabelle, here as ordered, Commissar!

4 sponge tubes says 2 hours!

thrones or any equivalent. no trade goods

Right but that doesn't explain why I'm the only one who got issued this type of gun.
>catching the laspistol he nods.
Thank you.

Because there aren't any real lasguns left

those darn bureaucrats
this is why i bring my own weapons

Hellohonored biped, say that las pistol is a little weak, yes?
Would you want to get a las rifle...or a plasma weapon?
'cause I can get it for you, for a price, yes.

Your loss, sponge tubes are a most legendary item renowned across the galaxy after the extinction of the spongites.
*snickers at the exchange of the miniature flashlight*

first rule of guard new one, follow the old ones advice. you will last longer.

rule two everyone above the rank of sergeant probably wants to kill you

rule three is the minitorum is incompetent, make do with what you got

and rule four is follow orders

now go practice with that weapon and see the quarter master.

>he goes to find the med bay

thrones or no dice

I heard that a legendary corsair master pirate stole the last shipment of actual weapons.

Oh, well then, I will use this weapon to the fullest of my abilities and make both the Emperor and the Adeptus Mechanicus proud.

No dice.

Rolled 3 (1d20)

let me see if i have any old loot i can get you
the slower you die on the battlefield, the longer we all live

well, darn
all i could find was this foam-force brand autogun, it fires foam darts at official foam-force brand cardboard heretics

Hey are you using those pipes?
I want to add to my collection.

>he shrugs

no loss of mine

>he finds the medical tent

lets get to work

[rolling for secret]

Oh, well I mean it might work, we don't actually know what we'll be fighting, or at least I don't.

>coming back from the medicate tent, several have been given the empras mercy and he has a largely expanded supply of medical supplies

>He would cast a quick glance towards each of the assembled troopers, of his regiment. Looking them over once, before nodding his head.

Unfortunately, we're going to have to make this quick, and far less ceremonial than it should be.

>He would glace over to his right, towards his Adjutant, -A young, round faced Lieutenant, with shaggy black hair- motioning him to make his way over.
>The man would be carrying a half dozen boxes in his hands, which he would present one at a time, to the Commissar.

Captain Matthias Wyvern. In recognition of your brilliant useage of the Tactica Imperialis, during our recent campaigns, as well as courage, and valour above the call of duty. I present to you, the Macharian Cross.
>With this, he would pin the red and gold medal upon the man's chest, before flashing him a salute.

Hospitaller Illya Mirabelle.
>The adjutant would hand the Commissar another ornate box.
For acts of valour, and bravary, in regards to saving the lives of innumerable guardsmen, it is an honour for me to present to you, the Eagle Ordinary.

>With this, he would pin the medal upon her armor.

Adept Viktor Morvos. For bravary, and valour above the call of your station, in the defense of the Firebase Septias, as well as the extensive injuries you sustained during its defense. I present to you, not only the Eagle Ordinary, but the Medallion Crimson.

>He would proceed to pin both if these medal's to the Adept's robes.

Private Bob Gunderson. For courage, and valour, above your station, I also award you the Eagle Ordinary.
>He would proceed to pin medal to his uniform, before flashing him a crisp salute.

Lance Corporal Dak Ironwall. For valour, bravery, duty above your station, as well as having sustained critic injuries, yet kept fighting to the very end. I present you, with the Medallion Crimson.

>He would proceed to pin the medal to his uniform, before flashing him a salute.

>waiting for the ceremony to end, I look about and when it does I make my way to the sister

hello, I am the new medic. I require some of your knowledge upon the regiments members that may need healing.

you seem to have done well with this many surviving

>I gesture to the others

well done

ooh shiny

i am very thankful sir

pipes?
all i got are pipe bombs

Nice work fellas... heh
>Maybe one day I will get recognition

Private Vu Chen. For bravery and courage beyond your station, as well as having sustained life threatening injuries, yet continuing to fight despite it all. As well as for having saved the lives of the Wyvern family during our stay on Praetoria. I am proud to present you with not only the Eagle Ordinary, but the Medallion Crimson. Ontop of that, I am awarding you, with a field promotion to Lance Corporal.

>He would pin the medals, along with the rank chevron, upon the man's uniform. Before flashing him a crisp salute.

You truly are a shining beacon to us all, in these dark, dark times!

You won't.
Want to play forget me mon'kleigh?

Yes, conguradilations to the honored heroes, yes.
In honour of your deeds I'm selling busts in your image for half the prices, 50 thrones, yes

Now. With this out of the way, I suggest you all get ready to move out! We leave within the hour!

Sir. The ships Amory is ready to receive new field accusations. Also, are we gonna get sny of those fancy new guns?

Right on, Commissar Knochenmus. Right on
>A small tear would be visible in his right eye

>The adept touches both the medals on his chest, surprised
Oh... thank you commissar

Where can I store my raider?

>Matthias would return the Commissar's salute, witha crisp salute of his own. A proud look upon his face.

Thank you, Sir!

>Once the "ceremony" had finished. Matthias would return to his company. A proud look shining from his face.
>The moment he saw his wife. He would run up to her, and would immediately embrace her. Lifting her up for a moment before putting her back down.

>Vu Chen salutes the commissar

You are NOT to acquire anything while we are down here. Am I understood, Sergeant?

On top of that, I am promoting you to the rank for second Lieutenant, as third company recently lost its Adjutant during the attack two nights ago.

>With this, he would pin a small, silver bar, upon each side of her collar, before flashing her a salute.

Your position as quarter master, will be given to someone else.

I reccomend myself for the quartermaster job.

>Lights a small fire, barely more than a fistful of sticks
>Sits next to it and begins chanting quietly

>growing bored I head for this former quarter master

excuse me second lieutenant I would speak with you if you have the time

>He would nod his head.

Make us proud, Corporal.

>He would nod his head at the now almost entirely bionic administratum Adept.

You did well, despite it all. Most men of your station would have panicked, and fled from battle. You however, stood your ground, and aided our men with valour, and courage.

I hope to see you rise above, and become a shining example of valour and courage, Corporal. Make us proud.

Oh honorable commissar, may I get the promotion from the cargo techician?
Eldar, you sure want to work with the imperiums paperwork ?

What are you doing mon'kleigh?

I would relish the opportunity. Besides I'm pretty sure that if I mess up nobody will even care.

Trooper. You were just assigned to this regiment, less than a week ago. If I felt you were ready for a promotion, you'd hear about it already.

Park it in hanger 3 and I'll put it in a hidden hanger.

>she's horribly confused and scared

Then I must refuse the promotion. I wish to remain as Quartermaster, Sir. I am sorry. It is where I can do my best for the Emperor.

>Continues chanting as he smothers the fire with his bare hand, letting into air the smell of burnt flesh

Got it.

>The adept stares at the astropath, slowly backing away
Think he's gonna explode?

But of course honorable commissar

Who knows with those types. I'm just hoping that the ash can be made into drugs.

>The Commissar would narrow his one good eye at her.

Unfortunately for you, this isn't up for debate. You're going to be more useful out there, than in an Armoury. The men seem to last a hell of alot longer when you're around, compared to when you're not.

You can grumble and groan as much as you please. But the decision has been made.

FUCK YOU EXILE

>He would smile, as he flashes her the newly pinned medal upon his uniform.

I was awarded the Macharian Cross! Can you believe it? Do you know how esteemed such an award is for an officer?

HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE
*the most annoying eldar laugh ever devised*

I can get you any vehicle honorable magos, just like I got this eldar his raider.

>Falls silent as air around him grows cold and colors are drained, and even light seems to grow dim near him

seeing the astropaths signs of "shits going to go bad" I draw my las rifle.

commissar
>my words at normal volume
your pet pyker is going mad, permission to execute if it goes feral?

>she glares at them both before heading back to the amory, tapping her ear
Luciena to Amory. Stat.

>With this having been said, and the matter now closed. The Commissar would turn upon his heels, and would walk away. His duty requiring him to make sure his men are ready for war.

Hussel up you dogs! The Emperor is looking upon us this day! And you shall NOT embarrass yourself, or THIS regiment!

Y'know, I think I left my... uh... quill box in the mess hall, I'm gonna go grab it.

Stupid names. Stupid mobile

*telepathically*
Allright the fuck are you doing?

>The Captain would make his way over towards them.

Alright, knock it off you two! I know you both hate eachother for obvious reasons. But we need to work together, if we want any chance of coming out of this battle with the forces of chaos, alive.

We're going to be fighting alongside ATLEAST twelve other regiments out there. Against unknown numbers of heretics, and chaos space marines. I don't need you two going at each other! Am I understood!

>the tiny Magos would run out from between the knights legs towards a lift

>as She would watch zluciena arrive she'd stand
Make me Quartermaster again. I don't care what machine you need to talk to just make me the regimental quartermaster and unable to be changed or we're both dead.

>Halls would walk out from the main area before entering his small quarters

>His quarters would be small and neat, having a picture of the emperor on his wall, an imperial vexilla nearly ontop of it, and his certificate of passing the academy of the Astra Telepathica

>Halls would reach for a small metallic compartment under his bed, pulling out the compartment to reveal a small collection of artifacts from the Horus Heresy

>Unknowing to most, it would appear that Halls acquired these artifacts not from plundering or any other illegal means, but through inheritance

>It would now be apparent from such artifacts that Halls is a direct descendant of Malcador the Sigillite, one of the most powerful human psykers in the Imperiums history

>These artifacts would include the family crest, and a small trinket passed down from generation to generation. It is said that such trinket contains a shard of the soul of Malcador

>Malcador exists within Halls, and when the situation is dire, Halls will prove true to the family name

>After looking at these artifacts, Halls would put them back into the sealed compartment

>There would be a beeping from his Vox bead.
>It would seem someone is calling for their new Adjutant.