Mages Guild: Open House Week Edition

Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! Open House Week has come back around once again. Anyone is now allowed to wander through or examine any part of the guild! Except for my office. Adventurers from the Fighter's Guild will be coming in their hundreds to raid the Deep Archives I'm sure, as well as the usual thief infestation we get without fail every time we try this. Still! Regardless of how shitty our new guests may act, please do not kill them. The aim of the week is to increase business opportunities, and to get Mundanes interested in magic. A few idiots should not spoil this fine tradition. Unless they really, really screw up and have to be killed off.

Welcome to the Mages' Guild. Pick a name and join in! Conflicts are resolved with d20s when needed, or with playing it out. When the thread dies on Veeky Forums, we keep it going on archived.moe. For additional resources, please visit 1d4chan.org/wiki/Mage's_guild or collabedit.com/6fvae

Wait, a whole WEEK?

Why did no one tell us it was an entire week? A few hours we can handle, seven days is...
Ugh. I'm going to need more rocks.

As if lack of people flowing through was a problem. This place is already more porous than a sponge.

If anyone wants to talk about the Oozemancy Department or the Adventurers' Guild of Midway Island, I am standing in for my brother for this meeting.
>Jake is a white human with black hair trimmed to give a look of horns (like wolverine's hair?) and he has a goatee that has the beard part end in a point
>His eyes shift between blue and green
>He wears a dark navy suit with a dark green collared shirt underneath
>He wears a black tie with gold skull embroidery and his shoes are a simple sleek black

I can just tell this will be a disaster.
>He mutters under his breath

You do know that the Magical Girls Department recently got hit by a massive ballista bolt from the Fighter's guild, right?

Ok, Ok. Lets see here.
The Archwizard has given in to some of the healer's demands from the strike last meeting, just gonna read them out.

You will now actually be paid overtime, shocking, I know.
Funding will be increased, however at a rate of 7% year-over-year, rather than 10%.
Your department will be upgraded to meet current age standards, some of us have already started work on that.

Sadly, A written guarantee of shared loot percentages, the Necromancy department moratorium, and an actual written apology could not be asked of him. But, uh ,hey. You get more pay, right?

Any questions?

I have nothing to do with the Necromancy Department, I'll make that clear right off the bat so no confusion can be made.

Quin? That sort of thing happens to her with frightening regularity. I wouldn't worry about it.

I have to go lock down the Hall of Portals. I don't want to spend the next week fishing thieves out of whatever plane they've stranded themselves on.

And how many ritualism students are there right now? Two?

Mort, did you REALLY need to bring that up now? We're trying to put on a POSITIVE impression of the guild.

And thanks for reminding me that I have to rebuilds those walls.

That was not our fault in any way and everyone who was injured was up and walking within hours. It definitely reflects positively on the guild that we were able to recover from such a catastrophe so quickly.

so that's where it hit!

did you even try to get an apology?

It's a careful study that requires long practice and care! It's better if fewer people are learning it well then a lot of people poorly. And I'm also supposed to teach a class there but I've already got way too many things piling up on my schedule.

Alright, Noted. Though that leaves me a tad confused.

Well, after the Bureaumancers read out the demands to him, he supposedly found this all rather humorous and stated that the strike was unnecessary, as there is a suggestion box outside his door that hasn't been used in three decades.

Or even better to not make a big deal of it.

Right then.

Just do be careful about where you wander.

...I think it's three.
It's not us I'm worried about. It's some random fighter opening a Tome of Forbidden Knowledge and letting something loose on all of us.

Ok there are like 15 paladins snooping around my lab can someone come and get them away before they undo 50 years of work in 5 seconds.

I am no longer part of the guild technically as the Ectomancy Sub-Department no longer exists to my knowledge.
I am here on behalf of the Adventurers' Guild of Midway Island and my brother Gluglobul, who is head of the Oozemancy Department.
He sends his apologies that he cannot be here for the meeting.

Can't that be said of all magics, Allard?

huh, I wonder if that because of the deadly traps that he has set up around it. which we also have to end up healing.

True, though there is an argument to be made about most of those in the guild doing the same thing.

It can be said of some more than others. Illusion is less inherently dangerous. Ritualism taps into power far beyond the caster's own, magnifying the risk along with the result.
But they signed up for it knowing... Assuming that people here would have a faint idea of what they were doing.

...alright, point taken. And guessing your wife is doing much the same.

Good evening Ellen.

just run a distraction outside of the lab then lock your door. I suggest something with small children or dogs.

Right, but it is the better magic for those that are inherently weak at performing other kinds of magic.
I use it myself a lot.

Assuming most people here know what they're doing is a potentially lethal assumption.

Hello, Sam. How are you?

All I have is 3 skeletons and 2 and a half zombies and I need all of them. Although I do have floating screeching skull that I use as decoration that could be work. Anyone from evocations want to set it on fire to add a little more kick?

Ohh paladins you say? where?

Necromancy department 8th lab in the eastern hall. They came following some Druids that I'm comparing notes on a theory I had about the moon.

Oh good, Ellen, I'm not the only ghost in this meeting then.
Druids are a bad Omen, It usually means we're about to get another Treant attack, they like to plant them in the guild quad.

You shouldn't be here.

it's a guild meeting
>she says it slowly as if talking to a dimwitted child

Oh hi. I am indeed here. Someone has to represent whatever it is I'm supposed to represent.

I mean the potion definitely should have stoped you, were you hit by it?

For one, a little annoyed that the Archwizard sprung this on us. A week is a much taller order than I think any of us expected.

These guys are fine they are specialists on transformation and they are helping me test the effects of Lycanthropy on skeletons. So far results have been...messy we for some reason when the bones don't have skin to guide them the change can be erratic at best and at worst they look like they came from the dark tapestry.

>Jake looks around and frowns
Are all meetings this disorderly?
I've only ever shown up for parties.

yup. shattered right in my face. it hurt. took me about 3 minutes to cure the effects. then another minute to wait for your bimbo to turn her back to grab a book and wham. lights out for her.

Is it? I never know. However, that does seem like a lot of time for outsiders to roam the halls. Perhaps we should put a sign by the necromancers guild. Maybe the archwizard intends to display the guild as a working piece rather than one prepared to show it off.

It's more or less an open forum, yes.

Well, at this point I suppose you represent the fifth floor. Going to offer any tours?
I'm surprised they kept this tradition around. It was a pain in the ass when I was alive, and it still seems to be now.
Ouch. That's odd. Although I've never met a Lycan,l have you tried examining a skeleton that died while already transformed?

There is no way that's even possible, do you know what was in that potion?

Right...
Hm, have we met before? I haven't visited the Mages Guild since the Ectomancy Sub-Department was shut down.

Yes I have but my master wants me to find a way to turn regular skeletons into them transformed Lycan skeletons are few and far between but they are really useful. Don't try to make them sentient though we lost an entire tower last time we tried that.

lets see there was the paralyzing agent, the mana ravaging agent, the mana regen inhibitor, and mint for flavor. did I miss anything?

Ahhh. Right. Ol Lazarus didn't tell you either.
The Ectomancers are now in a secret door in the Necromancy department. I wish I was kidding.

Hrm. I suppose the ghost is the best representation of the fifth floor. If it's not one thing it's another, up there.

I do not believe so. I am Ellen.

oh hey its you. man why'd you run off i was thiiiiis close to gaining insight into the next circle of spells before you ran.

Yes you did, the most important ingredient.
>that's a remarkably good summary of the potion

Oh so they still exist as a separate entity?
Or are they still considered Necromancers for Department purposes?

...Now there's a thought that'll fester.

Never doubt a wizard's ability to not change things, Sena.

the deadly neurotoxin that the mint was covering up?

At a nonlethal dose, yes.

Sentient zombies are bad enough, yikes. Though I have to ask, why does he want them, for the theme of it? I presumed it was the crazy muscle growth that made Lycans so strong.
Well I'd haunt it more often if I had the time myself. How's the vent problem?
You cast Turn undead on me! I don't even know why that works. I'm fully dead. It's crap. But it scared the hells out of me.
"A Sub-Department of Necromancy". It's literally inscribed under the hidden door. Lazarus won.
I mean, what's this supposed to accomplish anyway? All it does is turn us into a fairground attraction for people to gawk at.

>A rift deposits Selevyn on his calcified keister with a loud CLACK. Vaguely visible through the rift is what looks like a bunch of dirt and rubble.
Ffffucking weaponised black holes.
Welp, glad to be back with my favorite guild of magical maniacs. Ooh, and just in time for the open house!
Brought some gifts back from that Earth place.
>Reaches into his Handy Haversack
Lessee here, Geomancy, got some neat core samples of various new rocks from over there
A couple a hip flasks for the planar enforcers. few bones and molds from various creatures for Necro and Ooze depts. Alchemy, brought this textbook regarding that world's chemistry, and a heavily warded sample of Chlorine Trifluoride. Maintenance, got a bottle of this stuff that uses something called "oxi" to get tough stains out. Medicaster, got a text on internal medicine, might be worth a look.

The and they are more fierce in battle than the average skeleton. And sentient zombies are a mess, although what can you expect zombies are useless in general. Now sentient skeletons like myself are much better at their jobs.

no your body IS dead. You DIED. You ARE undead.

>Mervyn falls down onto his knees in awe.
They said Oxi was only a legend...

Well that's what it always was.
A sub-department.
So are they a sub-department again?

I'll take the ooze stuff on behalf of my brother.
I'm sure Gluglobul will appreciate it.

My thanks Selevyn, i'm sure it will be a useful teaching aide.

That doesn't matter, your body doesn't matter for death, but your soul does, as long as you are a guild member.

There are at least 20 people that are dead in the necromancy department alone, and those are just the ones we can see. Why do you act like this is an odd thing?

Ostensibly it's to encourage recruitment of some kind.

Well met, Selevyn. Where exactly did you find these rocks?

The vent monsters are still there, though we mostly leave each other alone. I have a feeling they may have been artificially introduced, though. Perhaps a case of releasing snakes to catch mice, and ending with an infestation of snakes instead of mice.

So quick question, In fact Lazarus was never able to answer this for me. Why would you ever take a zombie over a skeleton? Is it just laziness from being unwilling to strip the flesh?
Fffffffucking bullshit. That means people could cast command undead on me.
Hidden sub department. I think. You'll have to ask Lazarus. My sister is in those classes and she doesn't understand it.
Recruitment of mundanes? PLEASE. For the Necromancy stockpiles or what? I mean, sure. Maybe it'll give them an interest in magic and set them on a quest to raise their mana pools from zero to zero point one. But direct recruitment? I doubt it.
Ouch, any idea what the original infestation might have been?

souls don't die dumbass. well normally anyway.

it's not odd, it's just wrong. Ghosts are undead. Liches are undead. Vampires. are. Un.dead. except for the sex vampire for some reason.... not sure why that's the case though...

yes. they could.

Don't you DARE.

yeah, I tried catching the soul of the man who could describe it, but shit's weird over there. Like they got no souls, or something. Still, I think i got a video of him giving the pitch-aww fuck it got wiped by the black hole.

Oh, more stuff to hand out. White mages, got a design template and example of some really sweet looking robes. The red edging just makes it pop, ya know.
Decarnation, decarnation, shit where is it? Ah yes, quicklime pretty handy stuff.
Liches, check the book I got for the alchemy dept, it's got some really tough metals, good for phylacteries.
Necrowitchery, got a-hold on, HNNNG
>pulls out an absolutely massive metal cauldron lined with ceramic
This baby's great. Heats more evenly, keeps the brew warm longer. I've got like three of these things going back to my house for my beer and spirits work.

We've reviewed the situation and discussed amongst ourselves.
Add in 12 months backpay and you've got a deal.

I know, the key point is that killing somebody is defined as either destroying or otherwise rendering one's body in able to be used by their soul or sending one's soul to the afterlife. Well the second definition is greatly abbreviated.

There is no reason to take zombies they are useless and poor excuses for undead, poor conversation too.

I feel like I should be insulted but I get told off a ton as it is. And for your information I've killed at least 5 souls, and lobotomized too many to count, mine alone required like 10 souls to make.

do I look like a necromancer?

I bet. so quit slow rolling me, what was the last ingredient? Oh no wait I think I can guess.
>She leans in
a dagger under the effects of a shrink item spell?

...

I mean, it's how Quin gets a large number of her recruits. And those who have magic tend to be called to magic - even if they're not aware of it yet.

Ahh, let's see. one or two are from the bottom of a really deep trench in one of their oceans, two are from their moon, those metal plates are from a mech built by extraterrestrials in the image of my lord Godzilla when they tried to take over the planet, the shiny one is synthetic diamond, and the last is a piece of a crystal off of some crystalloid clone of my lord.

the good old days.png

I will pay you fat cash money for all you have.

Hmm...
I'll see what can be done. Lemme go talk to the Bureaumancers.
>Mervyn leaves

shhh hang on a second, I think i'm about to be killed off in a dramatic fashion.

sup hanners, still lugging that stupidly large hammer around?

...You mother fucker. Oh, I'll give 'em an open house. I'LL GIVE THEM AN OPEN HOUSE THEY'LL NEVER FORGET!

I think it may have been brickants, actually. I found tunnels in the stone, and with the rather superdimensional aspect of the guild itself, stoneants would have been a problem.

Hell no, there is no room in the budget for that at all.
>Inspects the book
This looks very good
That's why I prefer to use cauldrons when ever I can, they make much better potions in greater amounts than any other method.
Not even close.
That would be a shame, I'd like to render that service personally.

Tell you what, I'll give you the actual formula for it, and the two other bottles of the stuff I got, if you get the head of the Liches' department to stop sending me hate mail because I ascended through a profane druidic rite, and not the standard Arcane bs he used.

Thanks. I'm going to bully the shit out of certain Necromancer with an affinity for zombies. Are there spells that strip the flesh?
That's also an evil cleric spell you jackass.
Yikes. I'd heard of termites but that is ridiculous
Really? Never heard that theory. Might explain the-
PIERRENOSTOP!

You haven't seen killing in a dramatic fashion until you've seen my master dealing with adventurers, I swear 1 skeleton gets turned into cheese every speech me makes.

...That's really something. I'll have to do quite a bit of research then.

...Pierre, can you not? Just this once?

>she sighs strikes a im right here pose.

mages guild. evil is pretty irrelevant here.

Pfffff

Oh shit.
>mumbles a prayer to Criticus
>gives her a look that screams "does it look like I give a shit"

Decompoze corpse will work but getting it to work on a zombie is a little tricky, works better if you can get a cleric to help positive energy will disrupt them enough.

I'll await your response.
No, I'm just happy to see you.
Because you're so good with money? Heard you got your shop shut down over some weird laws you ignored.

PIERREYESCONTINUE!
>Sprints off, chucking flasks of oil
>It is too late. It was always too late. There are patches of well-lubricated ground everywhere
>Something in her white mage senses pings on the oil. Some kind of offering?
>Huehuehue

yeah? whats up jack?

Oh, Pierre. for the Conspiromancy dept, I got these fun things called "board games" that people over on Earth play. Don't worry, I only got ones that encourage backstabbing dickery.
Lessee, Coup, Monopoly, Werewolf, Risk, Settlers of Cata, and ohhhh yeah. This one. Hell's balls I don't even want to sit in on a session of this. Diplomacy.

>He walks back in
Consider it done. That' or ill burn his mailbox.

Archwizard said yes. He also said he's going to write up that written apology.

>shrugs and goes back to the meeting

w- pffff thanks hannah, I needed that.

>pierre making an offering to some other being? probably just plans to sucker punch it with a cream pie.

Oh that reminds me has anyone tested the theory of sending a lycan to the moon to see if the transformation would be permanent, the druids I was talking with said that they got mixed results with testing it.

Here ya go, then.
>Selevyn hands over the two remaining bottles of something called "Kaboom!", as well as a small sheaf of papers.

>Sam just stares, before shaking her head.

I do not get paid enough for this shit some days.

You're an evil little shit for casting turn on my little sister.
Can't imagine a cleric and Necromancer working together, but I've seen weirder things.
STOP. STOP NO. PLEASE AT LEAST EXPLAIN!
That actually... sounds like an great experiment. Not going to lie. Talk to the astromancers.

Rolled 5 (1d20)

I took care of it, everything's fine now.
Oh powerful Criticus thee who gives his favored good luck when they need it and bad luck when they don't shine your blessing upon me
>Throwsa potion at the oil

>Cream pie
>Offering of lubricating oil
>He, Fabulous Esteban locked in a sensory feedback loop to keep him distracted
>Oh no.
>She really doesn't
>He's not explaining shit, he's making a break for one of the guild's containment vaults