Good evening, human friends. I'm one of your saints that serve under the corpse emperor, just like you...

Good evening, human friends. I'm one of your saints that serve under the corpse emperor, just like you. I've come to tell you that, in my time inside the warp, I've discovered that, the great and powerful Slaanesh's ultimate goal is to eat every single one of the Eldar's delicious and succulent souls.

As such, it seems that, if you're able to kill every single Eldar, Slaanesh will fade into the warp, happy and content, meaning that he won't be a problem for your- I mean our Imperium. So what are you waiting for? You should go and kill every single one of those Eldar. Oh, and if you can do it in the most painful way, that'd be great.

For the emperor and whatever.

Begone Slaanesh. Your temptations have no power here.

[This thread has been hijacked by the inquisition]

greetings imperial citizens. we have received word that the saint that made this thread is, in fact not an actual saint.

Please be advised that we will continue to kill the vile xenos known as the eldar, but not on request of this fake saint.

>imperial thought of the day: it is better to die for the emperor, than to live for yourself

[message terminated]

Hmm.

I may be wrong, but...

I distinctly remember that living saints wear clothing. Like, all the time. I heard one guardsman snuck into Celestine's quarters to try and see her disrobed, and before he was executed, he passed along the message "When she takes off her armour, she just has another set underneath."

Look my fellow corpse worshippers, a golden demon who calls itself the emperor. Everybody knows your emperor is dead as hell, so you should, like, totally shoot this thing.

Celestine is just a stuck up bitch, no one likes her.

Question,
If Slannesh is so powerful why can't he/she take care if the eldar him/herself?

Since being birthed and killing most of the eldar off he/she's really been coasting.

Hey, you kinda remind me of our new Commissar. She's way nicer than the old Commissar was, so I guess you must be alright too.

Begone thot.

Excuse me, inquisitorial, but killing the Eldar for the emperor isn't going to accomplish the same thing(In this case, send their souls to Slaneesh and make her happy or whatever) ? And if so, why this saint's words aren't true?

Well that's not way to treat an Imperial saint.

Just kidding, insult me more, you manmeat.

[the inquisition: yet again]

Imperial citizen thank you for the question, do not be alarmed many saints shun clothing. This is due to the purity of the human form.

This fake saint however possesses a corrupted form, thereby revealing it's inhuman nature

>imperial thought of the day: blessed is the mind that is filled with faith, for it cannot be filled with anything else

[message terminated]

Yep, that's what Slan- a saint would say.

As I said before Slaanesh, your vile magics will not work here. How are you even physically *here*, anyway. Reality should be imploding just from your mere presence.

>Far off grey knight REEEEE

So Slaanesh is basically Todd Howard?

So... What's your saintly name anyway?

If that's true, then this is definitely not Slaneesh and in fact, a Saint. So we should do what she says. Because reasons or whatever you know, let's kill all the elder just to fuck with them. Or fuck them. Murderfuck them.

There's probably an anti-whatever that's causing reality to EXplode at the same rate and intensity as it's imploding

But what of the other more dangerous and competent chaos gods?

I mean is Slaanesh even really a major threat to the imperium?
I probably put the Tau above Slaanesh in terms of current threats to the imperium

It's just body paint, I went to a rave here in the warp with the other saints.

Seems that Slaanesh's whispers have gotten to this one. Somebody get the Custodes.

Why is that? I just hate old people.

I once fapped to Slaanesh, sorry Big E.

It was more than once.

[holy inquisition, unsurprisingly]

The gills too? The horns? The giant claws? The ethereal hands? The fact that any psyker we show this thread to explodes?

>imperial thought of the day: a day spent in the service of the emperor is worth more than any prize

[message terminated]

lel O Slaanesh babe u so sexxi when you try to be all sneeki beeki like this. Come to bed and play hide-the-chainsword with me again.

My name doesn't matter, I'm just the cool saint that everybody loves.

Im sorry "saint" but my Spiritual Liege has a loose alliance with a splinter faction of Eldar. The filthy xenos have done him a favor. I'd rather inslave them than kill them. They can be put to use killing Chaos, our true enemy

I have to say, this guy with the two hands right here knows what's up. Everyone else is grasping, futilely trying to pull themselves up and escape this glowy soul pit thing.

He's just rubbing her feet and playing with her toes.

Apologies to put your wisdom into question, friendly neighborhood inquisitor, but I gotta ask. Don't psykers explode at most threads as a rule of thumb?

That embarassing a name? I suppose you could go by "the nameless saint" or something cool like that, if your name is indeed really stupid. I mean, who would die for Saint Fluffykins?

If you murderfuck someone in the most gruesome and fetish-filled way, passing them a bunch of bugs before the execution, then use the disease riddled body as ammo against a populated settlement, which God are you pleasing the most?

Consider that you are actually attacking your own settlement. Also you are the corpse.

[alpharius]

Get a job you lazy bum, stop spending all your lunch money to buy crack

>alpharius message of the day: alpharius is cool

[alpharius]

It's xir raging sexxiness, dad. Don't judge.

Psykers exploding should not be used as a metric to measure anything due to how often and how randomly they'll do it

Truly the vileness of Chaos has gotten it's roots into this Imperium. Someone drag these two away for a necessary "dip" into the Promethium baths.

Ah, another "Living Saint" for the pyre! And this time, there isn't any damn Black Crusade to stop me from performing my duties!

[surprise it's the inquisition]

The grey space marines we have on staff usually don't, the ones that didn't immediately started masturbating which is far more worrying

>Imperial thought of the day: a small mind is a tidy mind

[message terminated]

They must be special psykers then. Last one I knew exploded... well the only theory is that their recaf was not to their liking, and the one before that exploded/imploded presumably due to recieving a particularly stern look

Oh, I didn't even know they could physically do that. Proceed then. As you no doubt intended anyway, of course, inquisitorial communicant.

Shut the fuck up Fulgrim. You are one of the primary reasons why I am currently stuck on this glorified toilet.

I must say Brothers, while this "Exotic" Living Saint does seem a little rough around the edges, it's words do ring true. We should go show those pointy eared assholes that we still don't approve of the whole 1 Eldar = 1 Human System conversion rate.

lol that's you're fault for not giving us the love and attention and snuggles we needed! You only ever saw us as tools to be used an then discarded like the Thunder warriors.

At least I know Slaanesh loves *WET SLAPPING SOUNDS* me.

No, stop being naive you oversized, hyper-muscled automaton. That's exactly what it wants you to do.

DO NOT LISTEN IMPERIAL SLA-CITIZENS!

I, the new Commissar, have come to tell you this Living Saint is a Heretic, and cannot be trusted.

Infact, you should just purge Xir right here and now, BLOOD FOR THe Emperor!

Of course my liege, pardon my foolishness!

You are literally nothing more than a glorified sextoy, if even that. It will eventually get bored of you, and discard you after you have finished being useful to it.

Wouldn't that be appealing to them though?

Sorry saint, but the primarch said Eldar count as humans now and to not kill them.
Then he kissed that Yvraine in the lips.

Literal flesh-golem. I honestly wonder what I was thinking when I made that a feature of yours.

Oh look, if it isn't the Screaming Paraplegic himself. How's leg-day by the way?

At least you don't have to deal with a giant rat that likes repeating words and all around talks like a massive twit

Leg day has been great, thank you fo-

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU SPEAK OF YOUR GOLDEN BENEVOLENCE! We still good to kill the heretical Living Saint?

I'm somewhat grateful that, that rat bastard never ascended to true godhood. Even if it means I have to deal with the *other* four giant cosmic asspains.

Korner, I commend you on formulating this elaborate plot to destroy Slaanesh and corrupt my Imperium from the inside out. Truly impressive, especially from you. But it probably isn't going to work.

Actually if you let the eldar take out the pervert the rat is the replacement and literally no one will be happy about this

Dudeshutupwecanendthisbitchonceandforallcomeonbecoolforonceinyour50,000yearsoflife.

WORRY NOT IMPERIAL SLAVEshitCORPSfuckSOLDIERS! The Commissar is here to end this Heresy for The Emperor!

Yeah well at least I've been able to have fun for the last 10,000 years. Do you even still have the, uh, *equipment,* daddy dearest?

Oh and by the way, here's a recent snap of your favorite son Rowboat! My but he does seem to like that space elf poontang, doesn't he? *Snicker*

So you mean I either have to deal with, Rape, Rape, Drugs, Rock-and-Roll, and more Rape, or an absolutely annoying rat thing that will probably be the bane of my half-existence, especially when combined with the other Three? Fan-fucking-tastic.

Also the ratfolk will tunnel into your shitter

This is true, father. I'm sure even you don't want that.

Khorne, it's either Slaanesh, or the Rat, and I doubt you would enjoy the presence of the Rat for any length of time.

Dammit Guilliman. He gets to smash that, whilst I am entombed upon this throne in constant agony all whilst listening to how fucking stupid my Imperium has grown over these last few millenia.

He already knows the rat. Kinda. Maybe. It's unclear if this khorne and that khorne are the same khorne. Or if any of the other gods are the same. The wierdest would be if the Gorkamorkas were the same

It can all be explained through 4th-degree inter-dimensional warpfuckery. That's the usual explanation anyway.

NoBroIGotThatPartCoveredTrustMeIKnowASnekThatCanHandleTheRat!

WHO'S READY TO DIE FOR THE SKUL-GOLDEN THRONE!

Ah. I see. Why do you guys insist on using abbadabbadoo even though he's a colossal failure? I mean, you DO have another option

Life can be *so* unfair, can't it daddy? Everyone gets to have love...but you. *Tee hee*. But if you join us, I'm sure my dominatrix boygirlfriend will find a place for you IN THE GIMP BOX in xir new order.

Something something something elf souls

I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE VILE WARMASTER MYSELF, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS GLORIOUS MASTER OF MANKIND, I'D SAY HE'S AROUND FOR, AS THE KIDS SAY "The Lulz"

So how about killing that Heretical Living Saint now?

Where did you even get that Snake? I didn't even see you move.

No thanks, you disgusting soul-devouring hermaphrodite.

You mistake me "Commissar" I'm neither the spooky skeleton on the pimp chair, nor the bigger, spookier skeleton that works with he man

The snake is a constellation
Expect light showers of lizard people and toadmen induced meteors in the near future

Fucking Mask Keeps Fucking Blocking My MeDamned Fa-

His name is Sotek, and he's here to eat raw, bloody hearts, and is adorable. He'll keep the rat in check, no worries there.

SO CAN WE KILL XIR YET??!?!?!

How the hell did you manage to convince Sotek to chill with you? Probably the same bullshit causing this to happen

Killing Slaanesh wouldn't even do anything. It would just reform as a slight different, but still very hedonistic rapemonster. There is really no point. It would also fuck over realspace something fierce. Now I shall cuddle with my Centuribuddy for a bit.

He started off as a pen pal, and we bonded over our mutual love of bloody sacrifice. He gets the hearts, I get the Skulls....

For the Emperor of course.

-cough-

BUTWEDGETSOMEFUCKINGPEACEANDQUIETFORABITFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

You majesty....

>No thanks, you disgusting soul-devouring hermaphrodite.
Daddy, how reactionary of you.

>Crossbolter
Every time I assume 40k stuff to have reached the bottom of its stupidity I'm proved hilariously wrong

>elf souls
Are magically delicious!

Oh my god, I think the crossbow part actually works too. That's fucking amazing

Calm down. Maybe if some other being were to consume the residual warp stuff, it would prevent Slaanesh from Reforming. But who to trust with such a task however.

Your smugness makes me want to strangle you, you daemon-possessed meatshell.

FUCK! Fine, I'm good, I'm good.

What about Khaine

THe uh-Warp Deity I heard Lord Roboute speaking of, after he made icky times with that Eldar Harlot?

>makes me want to strangle you
Daddy! You're into breath-play too? I haven't done that in a long time but if you're game, I am!

Khaine could probably do it, but he's so old and fragmented that getting to him would be a bit difficult. The hard part would be getting into contact with a fragment of him that *isnt* either murderously insane, or too damn lethargic to try and do anything.

We could always introduce the Great Devourer, Shadow in the Warp and new Chaos God of Xenophilia, Bestiality and Vore! :D

>Both ears and horns.

Which to use as handlebars? Decisions, decisions.

does anyone have that one Tzeentch meme from the yugioh episode? I cant find it

Your existence brings me immense physical pain. I don't know how, but it does. I'd prefer the company of Magnus or Rogal to you right now.

Khaine would be weird since the other khaine has been dead for indeterminate centuries yet is still worshipped. Speaking of OTHER gods, the good commissar seems to be neglecting telling you about the OTHER skeleton he knows. The one who has god-eating experience

FUCK! True

What about Isha? That uh...fuck...the one that the big fat guy has?

Why are you refraining on telling him about skeletor commissar?

I will discipline you trooper, don't think I won't!

I totally have no idea what Spooky Skeletal you are talking about, and totally don't want to involve him in my, I mean, The Emperor's Affairs.

God's are weird end it comes to the Warp. They seem to keep on existing on matter what happens. It turns everything into one major clusterfuck. Also, that skeleton god, I vaguely remember him.

I shall would either explode from the raw corruptive energy that is her own personal anathema, or she would turn into Slaanesh 2.0: Electric Boogaloo, and then we would all be fucked (quite literally).

*Isha* I hate this Text-To-Speech Device sometimes.

Alright, running low on names, but what if we just broke up Xir and let it manifest into several smaller daemon princes and greater daemons of it's following. That way we keep it's greater consciousness broken up (Amazing), and it doesn't disappear or fuck over your icky material universe?

Then the rat comes in. You should know this

Oi Emprah! Ain't dere more den just 'four' o' dem giant kosmic squigshits?

And again, I got that handled.

Shame one of your primorks not only worships da most disgusting Chaos Git, he follows da wun dat came from dem pointy-eared panzees!


Tis' not roight at all.

Oh damn! Now it's a party!

Embrace the pain, daddy, embrace it! Only then can you become one with the Ecstasy of Agony.

Oh DO hush up, you uncouth barbarians.

++IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MARS!++

If you replace your pelvis, mouth, ears, nose, and other organs you cannot be sexually assaulted as easily by the flesh-lord.

++IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MARS!++

>The grey space marines we have on staff usually don't, the ones that didn't immediately started masturbating which is far more worrying
So they still exploded then?