Good morning Veeky Forums...

Good morning Veeky Forums. You may remember me as the dm who's players threw all their weapons into a whole because a lich told them he would enchant them tomorrow.

You may remember me as the garbage dm that gave his player 3 wishes and then that player immediately ruined the timeline.

You may remember me as the dm who's wizard killed a demon who swore revenge on him and made jerky from his body.

You may remember me as the dm who's wizard set up a food cart and the barbarian killed a man and offered it to the wizard to sell as food.

This is what happened this week.

>players are searching out a wizard who is chasing down a powerful artifact
>they manage to track him down through a temple and catch him in the act of stealing the artifact
>it is revealed that the wizard is the lich that enchanted their weapons previously
>they skip diplomacy and immediately try and fight this lich
>asseskicked.exe
>player who still has 2 wishes, wishes that they were someplace safe
>the party appears in the middle of an elven stronghold city
>elves help them but tell them they can only stay for 1 week and must be escorted out of the city blindfolded and never return or tell anyone where their city is
>characters agree to the terms and conditions
>day 1
>the wizard, paladin and bard are working on skills such as cooking, falconry, and preformance
>the rogue and barbarian are drinking
>enter stereotypical bar character: cloaked man in the corner of the bar
>calls the two characters over
>explains that the elves are trapped in the walls of the stronghold city and that their tyrant of a king won't let them leave
>if the characters kill the king they can start a revolt and give the elves their freedom.
>rogue and barbarian think this is a good enough idea and decide to bring the wizard in on it to help them with the assassination
>wizard begins talking about confirming this information with other elves to ensure this guy in the bar isn't just some drunk radical
>deliberation begins on how to ensure this elf is telling the truth
>15 minutes later
>rogue's player OOC says "this is boring let's just kill him."

>wizard and barbarian agree
>rogue and barbarian sneak into the kings mansion
>rogue plans that he will shoot the king with 2 grappling hook arrows and take the dead king with him so the priests can't revive him
>barbarian plans that to slow the guards and frazzle the witnesses he will throw jars of scorpions he had collected all over the room and dump his soap bar collection
>wizard is waiting outside in case he needs to teleport in and help
>king is eating dinner with advisors
>rogue and barbarian find a vantage point
>rogue fires 2 arrows at once and manages to get the king in the head and chest with his grappling hooks
>begins dragging the king away
>barbarian begins MLB pitching scorpion jars at people
>king while being drug knocks over candles
>table cloth and kings clothes are now on fire
>barbarian dumps his soap all over the floor
>guards and advisors screaming in agony, slipping on soap, being stung by scorpions and burned trying to put out fires
>rogue and barb leap through the window and yank the king out with them
>kings burning corpse is being drug through town
>rogue jumps into a previously dug hole with the kings corpse and the wizard uses illusion to make it look like solid ground
>king's mansion is on fire
>towns people are gathering
>guards start looking for the party
>the wizard, rogue paladin and bard show up
>guard asks where the rogue is
>they say he must be off drunk somewhere
>wizard says he'll check 1 bar and the guard and other party members will check the other
>manages to persuade the guard
>wizard runs off and grabs the rogue
>dimension door to the bar
>tries to get him drunk as fast as possible
>sees the only people still in the bar are the bartender and the cloaked man in the corner
>approaches the cloaked man and tells him to tell the guards that the rogue had been in the bar allevening
>cloaked man pulls back cloak
>reveals to wizard that he is the demon that swore revenge on him
>laughs and disappears as the guards come to the bar

I remember the weapons enchantment one.

That pic is too distracting. How is shit burning underwater?

Who are you, again? Honestly all those sound like you making rookie mistakes and your players being asshole retards. I want to hear the first story you mentioned.

That does check out. I am a rookie and they are assholes and retards.

If others want to hear it as well I'll type it out again

Go for it user, I recall your tales with a fond chuckle and would not be against you sharing them again.

Plz story tiem

>be session 1
>characters start out in starter town
>starter town is intended to kick off the story
>characters follow the plot points to the home of a powerful wizard living in the city who is intended to become the bbeg
>wizard is in a basement study with a dirt floor
>wizard is wearing a large black cloak with a golden mask
>the paladin identifies the wizard as undead, tells the group he's a lich
>barbarian "awesome can you enchant our weapons for us"
>the lich explains he'll enchant their weapons at no charge
>one of you just has to let me attach part of my soul to you
>obviousevil.jpg
>rogue without hesitation: "okay I'll do it."
>I and the lich sit there shocked as the rest of the party is totally cool with this
>need to try and make it more obviously evil
>the lich uses a spell and undead hands break through the dirt floor and create a large hole in front of the player characters
>the lich instructs them to throw their weapons into the hole and leave. When they come back tomorrow they'll have been enchanted
>seems legit
>players casually throw all their weapons into this hole
>alright see you tomorrow

>tomorrow
>all weapons are enchanded with small helpful magic abilities and all have large gems at the bottom of the hilt
>the rogue is hearing voices, sleepwalking, occasionally had necrotic powers and instead of seeing himself in mirrors sees the lich
>no need to worry about that

>a week later
>they run into the lich again who they now regard as a friend
>the lich asks for the gems in the bottom of their hilts and replaces them
>no need to worry about that

>A few weeks later
>party is dumbfounded and shocked when a high priest scorns them for using weapons that steal the souls of whatever they kill and trap it in the gem at the hilt

And then?