Liches

You might be thinking of mummies.

If you're a lich that can't summon ghost waifus to fondle your long since rotted away genitals then you're a bad lich

Who needs sex when you're a motherfucking skeleton?

>Who needs sex when you're a motherfucking skeleton?

Becoming a lich would probably actually improve my looks and my sex life.

damn son

Doesn't lichdom increase your intelligence and charisma?

You look worse, but you are better with people

>What is Polymorph?

>Not using your vast Necromantic powers to summon yourself a ghostdick that was better then your weak organic one in every possible way.
Anons pls.

You've got at least one lifetime's worth of magical and (hopefully) sexual experience, you can improvise.

And planar creatures don't care about appearance

>Transcend living flesh
>Set Lives to -1 for unlimited continues
>Immune to various common and dangerous effects
>Basic mental stat boosts
>Ignore all biological hindrances
>Vastly tougher than your previously thin, pale, and fleshy nerd body allowed
>FUCK BITCHES GET SPELLS

Makes sense that so many ethically liberated spell casters go full skeleton to fuck reality over fucking fleshy holes. If you want to be an undead sex machine, go vampire like a bitch.

>if you are a lasy freeloader become a vampire

Fixed it for you

Huh. Yeah apparently you can polymorph into any type of humanoid regardless of your actual creature type. Nice.

I guess this is how half-dragons are born.

>Is lichdom worth the loss of your face and genitals?
But Koschei keeps fucking hot young girls, what is his secret?

Where my liches at?

How old is the typical Lich meant to be? Given their isolation and antiquity, should they speak with archaic accents?

1000?

Why would they even speak? Telepathy is just easier for a centuries old wizard

why must liches be evil
>muh sacrifices
maybe he sacrificed in order to be powerful enough to protect the people
a evil to end all evils

There's probably some magic spell or something that can give your mind/soul/whatever a super mind exploding orgasm that lasts for five or ten whole minutes. Then combine that with illusions to create the perfect waifu and you don't need meatsack genitals.

Just go to hell or something

Heck with planewalk you could go to evening glories domain.

Try to become neutral to get access to the cool good planes

Probably a magic dildo/strap on that is ensorcelled or enchanted to give him all of the same physical sensations as a real dick.

>tfw your magic dick never goes soft so you can keep fucking bitches even after you've nutted

>he never heard of Andres Duvall the Bardic Lich

>Shit did I eat a soul recentl
>annnd there goes the rest of my body
>Fuck.

>doing anything other than leaving / kicking the girl out after nutting

beta as fuck

More like revenants. Basically physical ghost, trapped due to a curse.

> Not preserving your body with magic
Are you even a wizard?

Mate I dunno where you're getting your info from.
Lichdom is taking your soul out and putting it in a box so that you can't die because your soul keeps you tethered to the mortal plane.

He may not have eyebrows, but that boney motherfucker is doing the Dreamworks smirk. Fuck that skeleton.

What have my face and genitals ever done for me?

>DEPENDS ON THE SETTING INTENSIFIES
But generally, the sacrifices involved aren't the kind you walk away from, IMO. It's not like it's just executing one or two dudes, I think becoming a Lich requires a lot of bad, bad stuff. Enough that you're arguably almost as much of a threat as whatever you're taking out. Or at least on par with a lot of other evils in the world. Thus, the vast majority of liches would be people with very, very little empathy, and certainly not enough to believe in a greater good beyond "I get to live forever and be awesome!"
Not that a Lich who thinks they'll ultimately be vindicated isn't a good concept, mind. That'd be an awesome antagonist. I just think it's not that easy to start a death cult, ravage the countryside, become a vessel for obscene necrotic power, and *still* maintain your perspective on what's good and what's evil.

Just gotta mentally rewire your mind to provide sexual pleasure with a different activity instead

Like murder, or conquest.

>not giving up more

>Polymorph

Wouldn't that be like fucking with a rented dick?

>Become murdersexual.

Yeah, well that is kind of the point: is sacrificing all pleasures of the flesh for power to become a turbonerd really worth it?

Wouldn't you feel nothing? You wouldn't have any pleasure sensors at all.

You would be completely calculating and devoid of emotions.

Magic could solve this but not having emotions has its own perks

>is sacrificing all pleasures of the flesh for power to become a turbonerd really worth it?
Yes; the flesh is weak, and therefor its pleasures are inferior compared to that of being a mother fucking skeleton

>Become lich
>Gain undead Chad status
>succubi and daemonettes want your spectral cock
>devouring souls make you blow loads of ectoplasm
It's worth it.

>not having mind blowing multiple orgasms in a row

Why fuck chicks at all then?

It is absolutely worth it

I mean worst case scenario you spend a couple years developing a spell that can cause undead to orgasm and then cast it on yourself until you're bored of it, then go back to more important things.

name one spell that needs you to sacrifice the souls of a entire country/city

Grease.

John Travolta requires a hefty toll.

>Lose all of your biological functions in exchange for clarity of mind to perform mechanical tasks
Let me tell you, something, I once burnt my tongue and now I can't feel a certain part of it where it used to taste things.

To elaborate that better, imagine moving a part of your body to interact with external stimuli, only for the lifelong response you are accustomed to simply not coming, and only feeling the pressure as that part of your body bears the weight of the food in your mouth.

A integral part of the experience in eating is gone.

And you want this- Over your entire fucking body, except even further because there won't be a single thing to fall back on, meaning that you're literally just an abstract functional mind?

You could pump a man full of painkiller, and he'd feel the effects on his body, he'd feel numb, but at least he'd FEEL it, what you're proposing is something so fundamentally alien that it removes this complete sense of self.

That's insane.

To make matters worse, every single one of your daiyl routines dicated by biological function are gone too, no need to go to the toiler, brush your teeth, wipe the sand from your eyes, drink your coffee or anything, the only semblance of sleep you will ever have is is placing yourself in a trance to memorize spells.

In addition to losing biological function, you lose the ability to love, or anything feeling relates to how you serve your own interests. The entire point of Lichdom at this stage now only serves you to follow what ammounts to what is left as a mechanical logistic function of continuing your studies or magical research, item creation and development, because it's the only thing you, have left, you've actually ERASED the very call to will that would have you do anything else.

Now, THIS is bad, but it get's even worse, because the thing that's keeping you running still has the capacity to encroach and invade your fragile mind-torn sanctity of what little 'self' you have left, and drive all that you are into a maddened Deus-Ex of less than machina, there is a force of utter death perverting something you can no longer manifest to combat against, and it's all downhill from there on out, as even death, will not result in the cosy restoration of self and afterlife, and utter annihilation outright.

So you have literally turned yourself into a machine, but even less than a machine, as you've actually erased any remote sense of self-awareness even a machine can have, and eventually you break down completely as nothing more than XP for the poor bastards who have to try and put you down.

This however, despite being the long term case, isn't even the worst of it, because many people fail to realize that young Liches DO have emotions, and often hide them through their own self-doubt and slowly failing negative energy-charged remains, as they actually hurry this degradation via evil acts, which is like a moth to a bright night, the truth of modern D&D-esque Undeath is that one subsumes the subverted qualities the plane of Negative Energy offers in a massive database/malignant intelligence which is responsible for the classic "cycle of death" the Undead ascribe to in it's breach over the Plane of positive energy, but to put it simply, imagine the Plane of negative energy like a Chinese rip-off company that steals Postive energy plane secrets and develops it's own counters for it in the goal to end all life, because negative energy is conceptual death released from an object when it dies, and the things under it's domain are what happens when other forces (Magic) are able to PUSH this limit so far it goes right back around and creates the Undead, which are used to further the Negative plane's will, as it is not a plane with native elementals.

Over time, overexposure to negative energies can actually create beings that are undead-like, shown in so many examples its not even funny, but the idea behind these beings is that the qualities supplied through negative energy are essentially through exposure, are able to perform a process similar to a spiritual version of immunizing onesself to a Virus, because negative energy holds the capacity to form Hauntings and Necrotic intelligences which are the handmaidens of what actually cause the Undead to rise. If you've ever played the Neverwinter Nights 1 campaign and got to the corrupted nature spirit, then you've basically encountered what I'm talking about in another medium.

In effect, one can completely subsume all the qualities of a Lich, basic undead, a ghoul or any other Undead without actually becoming one, as long as they have a means to expose their life-force (Composite admixtures of energies that are the fundamental makeup of the Soul as it is understood) to certain means of negative energy. The corruption people experience though contact with negative energy and Necromancy is this very concept.

However, just as negative Energy can bestow these qualities, it also acts like a magnet in addition, in effect, overexposure is enough to kill a man, allowing for the death to saturate a person to forging a direct "spiritual link" or rather, as the Illithid have proven a "thread" with the plane, which is the actual key factor that truly makes the subject undead, without this, an Undead immediately ceases the paranormal stasis that is it's existence.

Because of this, With the equilibrium of the Force of Death and the Force of Life in a person's body, one- spiritually does become powerful, allowing longevity or qualities found on categorizations of undead made manifest. This is a quality incredibly similar to how Warlocks work, who have their souls turned into fonts of "Raw Dark energy" (Possibly Incarnum) or in most cases, the stuff of primordial chaos, or core energies that form a patron outsider, which are manipulated and disciplined into Invocations, effective for making them touch upon the spirituality of the outsiders they make pacts with, allowing them a degree of control over the very stuff of creation that has outsiders with hierachies develp their own unique abilities as a manul process, effectively, they make their souls as clay they can mold, and if they aren't brought low, set- wheras the Outsider is a construct of these energies made manifest through a multitude of structures and hierachies made possible through magic and raw primal forces even it pays little attention to

>Do liches get riches AND bitches?
They don't really get bitches. They're much too edgy and cool for bitches, what with their fingerless gloves and fedoras, but they might occasionally get riches if a moderately underpowered but haplessly rich adventurer wanders into their basement dungeon.

But the Lich has even Less Freedom than this, as it has separated it's soul from it's body, safeguarding it from the ravages of the energies that animate it- People tend to forget that in D&D Phylactery Destruction does not actually mean a Lich will die on the spot, it actually usually means the Lich can no longer Rejuvenate, and that their Lifeforce comes into contact with their negative energy charged bodies once more- OFTEN killing them. The greatest example of this is when a Xeg-Yi finds it's counterpart and the two coverge, merge, and explode, the very same thing happens with a Lich when you destroy the Phylactery, in effect, you essentially make them mortal or tear them apart from the collective entropy and amalgamation of their being being compacted. It's a complete mess of Entropy and chaos, capable of tearing apart all but the longest lived of their kind who have satiated themselves with the souls of others to give themselves a stronger lifeforce to keep up with their dwindling bodies.

Lastly, again, the Plane of Negative energy has an active will, and it dictates all of these intricacies in how it interacts with the universe, ALL undead are subject to the dictates of this will which uses the undead to act as mediums, the primal process that calls to their kind being formed is to establish, and solidify these goals through a cycle of death that is helped through the interference of other beings, mortals, and gods alike. No matter what, All Undead, even the rare Good few have what is effectively a ticking time bomb of sorts of when they'll be reduced to tool to perform this function by a higher form of undead- so no matter what, no undead is truly free.

Except the Deathless, which DO NOT have this malignant form of stealthy control embedded into their very being. They are the true final aim of anyone who has he's hands ridden with corruption and the sins of his misdeeds, the free-living-dead, and this is why the Arch-Lich is just as bad as a regular one, or a Baelnorm is just a disaster waiting to happen with all the ancient magic lore and trust they are given and even deifci support, for at a moments notice, the like of Atropus could come along and immediately proove why the Undead are really just tools.

Lastly, again as the Plane of negative energy has no native elementals, it has the Undead- I should mention that there was ONE Unique elemental produced via magic from the Ravenloft Campaign setting.
That was Death. The Grim Reaper.
To put that in pesrpective, imagine the like of the Dawn-War, Except Death is now one of the Elemental Lords.
Yeah.

Really puts into perspective about Why Lichdom is a bad idea all around, a sapient cage with no true freewill, but the impression of it subject to degredation it cannot register or do anything about and the prospect of not only stasis, but spiritual annhhilation.

Meanwhile vampires get to feel, fuck, have true love through ritualized courting, breed true in two instances, get stronger through the ages with ONLY ONE fuckup being able to ruin them permanently, and at the end, become Demigods or Elder Evil and leave the confines of the universe to other realities between spaceless borders of infinity, and can tap into leylands of places they own through legal right, yeah, vampires get mystical powers by being landowners.

And they can cheat this process by just purposely aging themselves as a part of canon with magical items and things that age people as an attack or punishment.

But you know, Demilichdom is good as you gain powers to completely develop and control a Demiplane, even furthering it so much it becomes a material plane through the rules on recasting the spell genesis. The 100 clones of you pre-demilichdom can serve as the means to shepahrd the developing earth and sell off your petitioners to other planes, which is assisted by your contact any evil outsider ability, and you can manipulate the very weather to any weather effect.

It's just that by then, you probably won't even be -you- in any remote sense whatsoever, the very drive of life is your minds, boiling pot of chemicals, the only way you'd be able to do any of this is through fucking Hynotism, and constant mental discipline, you'd have to complete roboticize yourself mentally before Lichdom would even be remotely functional for you.

Also, I should note that the only issue with Vampirism is that you can end up soulless, or a free fucking passenger for a Necrotic Intelligence- Yeah, that shit in Order of the Stick is actually 3.5 canon, and these aren't commonly known facts amongst any given D&D setting, you could easily be setting yourself up for glory or failure, or a bit of both in the OOTs case, and because vampires after aging enough or surviving because they're often so CE it get's them killed and fast, only to learn by trial and error until they go fulll circle and retain their law/chaos spectrum. Past age 500 on their age categories.

Anyhow, the jist of it is- is that Lichdom was a process Fat Fuck Orcus (Presumably) (VR's guide only mentions a Tanari'ri, and not Orcus by name) made to fuck people over, and lower planaer denizens use it as a means to continue to do so. Khalat Jhareg, the Baelnorm from NWN is a great example of how Lichdom is used by outsiders to fuck people over.

Jhareg made it up to Half-Lichdon (Lich in body but not truly undead as the Soul is not in the Phylactery as of yet) before he called on a Balor to ask him how to get his soul in there, and the Balor, realizing that the Elf was a fucking desparate idiot, tricked him into fireballing his communities children during story-time. As it turned out, Jhareg had all the ability to pop his soul in the Phylactery, he just didn't know how. Souls are worth10Xp a pop, and are used in crafting, and as means to eschew spell components and rituals, Outsiders know this, and where Lichdom is concerned, like in the case of A devils limited wish are used to in actual fact, get spellcasters to pay MORE for what they woudl otherwise be able to do cheaper, It's a nasty trick, and they use it to turn a profit from the desperate, and it's actually where the "Do a foul and evil act" thing to become a Lich actually comes from, you end up paying a debt represented in forces used for the Blood War and common petitioner trade, and fuck yourself over entirely, Lichdom his a process to secretive it's riddled with Misinfo and total BS by Lower Planar outsiders who've a monopoly on it, to even gods who use their powers to skip many parts of a ritual for followers devout or those praying to them with show of promise and opputunity.

The nasty icing on this shitcake? An Inevitable is made when a Lich is to kick the person's ass for doing it, so your Lichdom is contested the moment you fucking succeed.

The reason why it's so popular is all down to Ancient Netheril, where it was Considered a NORMAL thing to do, the old cities were ridden with Liches, and so much so that the rites (Evil) WERE A COMMON BOOKSELF TOPIC. There were fucking HUNDREDs of them, and only because Magic Failed, that most of them are dead, barring the ones in strongholds with independant magic sources to battery on so they continued unliving. This is the reason why It's all about Liches in FR, all you need is to go to a Netherese ruin and look at the bookshelf, and there is probably a fucking Lichguide right there as common Loot. It is that fucking easy.

On one hand, minor inconveniences easily fixed with glorious arcane power.
On the other hand, fucking IMMORTALITY, complete with the ability to off yourself when required to prevent the whole "floating in the void forever" thing. Assuming no fuckery like "it's not actually you" or all those other catches, fuck yes I'd take Lichdom. Same deal with pretty much anything that would make me ageless, I'd sacrifice a hell of a lot to Not Die.

Additionally this also leads to the problem of too many Liches-
Liches are supposed to be supreme Spellcasters who have cheated death due to wit, Nuclear Physicist tier intelligence and sheer amoral disdain for the common trappings of human morality-

And there are fucking thousands of them, and people now know everything about them outright- which completely downplays this idea. Yeah I know clerics of Death gods and Undead gods get Lichdom too, but the idea of Lichdom was that it was a means to fuck over spellcasters and other people with the sheer horrors they could unleash by becoming Liches, namely in producing Necrotic Intelligences and Hauntings, which fuel the cycle of death, rape the landscape, and cause other bad supernatural shit to happen.

People also forget that the point of a Lich's Paralytic touch is the fact that people are supposed to left under the impression the person touched by the supernaturally terrifying decayed death-smelling emancipated corpse/skeleton who is the nightmare of the primordial fear of death made manifest (Fear aura) IMMEDIATELY dropped dead the moment he was touched by this thing that should not be- and that is one thing many people have forgotten, that Liches are SUPPOSED to be rare otherwise you can't play this off to your players, because how horrifying is it to fall prey to this, being left alone with Death itself in a paralysed death-like state where you cannot even scream and to watch yourself being abandoned by comrades?

If you've never done this, then you're fucking missing out, because there's nothing more horrible than that person coming back as a Death Knight to hunt PC's like it's a Slasher film, only for them to discover it's him later one with fucking Stitched and mutilations to his body present in his socketless fire eyes that are fueled by the Plane of Negative energies AND the Abyss's desire for the Destruction of all things living as if anguish was carved into him, and only later discover that his person WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU LEFT THEM meaning the Lich, pretty much slapped him on an operating table and did what he did, without anesthetic-

That's what you do with these opportunities.

In a Lich heavy-setting, you CANNOT pull this off, it's essentially impossible, and it of course does not work with Veteran players, unless you're adamant with PC's who can RP effectively to know what their PCs can and cannot know.

People need to make Liches Mythic horrors that no one is prepared to face, and not these slimely WOOGITY BOOGITY Fucks that are out to fuck with the living, they are people who are fundamentally, utterly removed from sociability and are like obscure, obfuscated horrors that are clearly agents of death and misery and have made good on those predudices by removing any possibility of being proven otherwise.

People also tend to forget the importance of Illusions and human fear when dealing with Liches. It's takes a special kind of evil to drive a city to ritualized suicide when you make it look like you've endued a flesh rotting undead gas on the countryside and it's an illusion with SOME undead present, using your natural salient abilities to enduce nightmares on the populace and it's important members.

If there's one thing Liches are good at, it's probably highly effective demoralizing psychological warfare. Playing off the paralysis as a death touch, giving fear to the fear aura, bodies full of carrion, maggots, or is host to other horrors, add to this

Yeah but you get to be spooky so....

On that note, it's important to mention that again, as mechanical unfeeling insane dead-people, they show no signs of stimulus or reaction, the only thing you have to guess, which if a Lich is smart enough, it will not provide- is them speaking, and evidence of body language-

To put that in perspective, why the fuck would a good DM tell players if even if they hit a Lich, would it fundamentally show an evident reaction to satisfy a persons' desire for acknowledgement of strength and power? You might cause the Lich to jerk it's body, move erratically and the like, but anyone can know that if you don't tell PC's if they're hurting this thing you can make them unsure and otherwise defensive in the presence of a Lich. It's a special kind of happiness when a Wizard staring this thing down a hallway, who has the capacity to be threat is demoralized from spell slinging because the Lihc takes it with stride, calmly, menacingly walking towards him showing no signs of fear, or intent.

You shouldn't be able to fucking read a corpse.

Truth be told, there are better forms of undead than liches. Vampires however are not one of them, as vampires(at least in 3.X) have a higher level adjustment.

The best form of undeath is a necropolitian, which a) don't require sacrificing anything but yourself b) don't have to eat anything and c) if you have a skilled(better legendary) craftsman make you into one you can get the bonuses they give to undead(dread necromancers and the corpse-crafter line of feats) if you do it in an area filled with necromantic energy(such as a desecrate spell) you can get more hp than the party barbarian.

To be short
a) you don't have to be a wizard to become one(you have to be 3rd level)
b) you have all the bonuses of a lich+ no level adjustment
c) if done by a professional you can have hoards of hp and ridiculous physical stats

Ain't no one got time to read all that

Yeah, there are also SHITLOADs of means to resurrection in D&D, nevermind ways to safeguard yourself from oblivion using certain spells. You're probably even going to be able to make youself a Phylactery anyway, because said items are not synonymous with Liches anyhow, and have plenty of other uses in published official spells.

Real talk, only a fucking chump leaves an Undead with a dead body.

At least take a moment to chop off the head before booking, if you're too fucking weak to carry the whole shooting match.

It doesn't matter if you lose your genitals, a lich can bone anytime they want.

>loses genitals
>still manages to cuck a blue half-genie barbarian
Why is this guy so based?

>the Plane of Negative energy has an active will

[citation needed]

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