Warfuckery spawns this bitch in your room right now, how fucked are you?

I'm not worthy of her attention. She sneers at me and goes out to find a worthy foe

Offer her a bowl of eggs.

>no self-defense training
>out of shape
>high pain tolerance due to resistance to most pain killers
She tortures me until it no longer amuses her, then she fucks off.

I ask her if I can lick her asshole until she gets bored.

Well I'm not in my room right now So I guess I got some time before the fucking happens

Does she have her gear? Because if so I get a spear in the chest.
If she shows up naked, then at least I probably get to feel her boobs against me as she breaks my neck.

I'm just gonna stand up slowly with my hands in the air and then lie down on the ground and hope it's at least not an incredibly long and drawn out demise.

Alternatively, go for broke and attempt to grope her before I die so that I can high five everyone who will soon be meeting me in the afterlife.

this

who?

I die standing

Is she life-sized or figure-sized?

BITCHES CAN'T GET YOU IF YOU'RE IN A METAL BOX SPEWING WHITE HOT LEAD IN THEIR GENERAL DIRECTION.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, SEEING THEM FOR REAL IS BETTER THAN EVEN TWINS, I THINK

>BRAAAAPPPPPP

Thank you for this quality post.

Well i am a male so its impossible for her to hurt me

I couldn't resist

Very, in the painful way that bends my dick

Even figure sized, you're probably still dead. A toothpick to the neck will kill you just as good as a spear to the chest.

Greet her politely and offer her a cup of coffee or wine

There is literally nothing I can do to stop her from festooning the walls with my small intestines like goddamn Christmas lighting (while I'm still alive) so my best bet of survival is to just be a good host.

Though seriously, not sure why she would even bother killing some random Mon Keigh, its not like I'm gonna reach for my shotgun, I know the lore I fucking know better.

Immediately pick up my katana, real from Japan, folded over a million times and honed to a razors edge.
With my knowledge of naruto she doesn't stand a chance

>Is she life-sized or figure-sized?
Irrelevant, she would kill you either way.
But let's just assume life sized

>in your room
Saved by phoneposting. I simply do not return home.

Who is this fluid druid?

Inform her that upon completing a particularly deviant sex act with me she will be instantly teleported to any place in the milky way galaxy of her choosing.
Torturing me will only result in me losing my concentration and I'll be unable to help her.
Killing me will leave her stranded.

Said deviant act is tender consensual sex in the missionary position with the intent to procreate while holding hands in the dark under the covers.

Considering it's warpfuckery, I might as well try and put that /x/ knowledge to use.

warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Lelith_Hesperax

>I simply do not return home.
You can, you just have to wait for the police report to come out that everyone inside said home was murdered and the suspect is missing.

>If she shows up naked, then at least I probably get to feel her boobs against me as she breaks my neck.
>Implying it won't just be one swift chop to the windpipe so she can watch you convulse as you choke to death.

This
not sure why anyone would think an extremely proud gladiator would bother killing anyone beneath her station. Let alone without an audience.

>Inform her that upon completing a particularly deviant sex act with me she will be instantly teleported to any place in the milky way galaxy of her choosing.
And pray tell what happens when said act is over and you cannot complete your end of the bargain?

>implying I don't live alone

>'Hey, so, before you kill me, wanna bang'

I figure my chances are about as close to nil as you can get without running out of space in the universe for additional zeroes, but it's either take the chance and die, or just die.

Refuge in audacity.

Doesn't matter, had sex

I'd show her this thread so I can blame the sudden appearance on you.

She might as well fulfill your wishes, actually.

In one Czevak story, she offered the inquisitor anything his 'dark heart could deviate', if I recall correctly, in exchange for antidote.

>mini Lelith kicks your ass anyway
>decides to keep you as a slave because she doesn't want to deal with everything being giant while she figures out a way back home

>That described sex act
you disgust me

>What happens when said act is over and you cannot complete your end of the bargain?
Hope that through the power of the D love blooms?
I know she's basically fucked every way you can but don't underestimate the power of tender emotional love making

Die happy?

doesnt slaanesh influence not exist in this real space time frame? infact how calm is the warp overall again?

It would be very calm. Khorne, Tzeentch and Nurgle are suppose to have awakened during the medieval ages but this is like infancy for them. There's no way that any sort of chaos incursion would happen here.

>YFW tender lovemaking is so rare in DE culture its considered the ultimate forbidden fruit seeing as its so dangerous politically, physically, psychically and she decides to keep you as a guilty pleasure.
>Dinner and a movie with handholding is her fantasy
>having a stable equal relationship with someone that wont murder/torturefuck her is her shameful kink
>Have disturbingly normal relationship with Lelith, you're the person she can actually just wear sweatpants and a T shirt around while you snuggle on the couch during a rainy night.

I try to pull a Madmartigan

>Lelith in sweat pants and T shirt and shower damp hair

Panic because this immortal psychotic has just been transported to pre-imperium terra and will be able to cause all kinds of mayhem

Then laugh maniacally for an entire day because that means the Emperor is here as well

>your demands are too perverse even for her

Well I have a gun with me.
The real question is if her physics defying ability to dodge shit works in our universe or not.

>Well I have a gun with me.
not gonna help

>The real question is if her physics defying ability to dodge shit works in our universe or not.
Even basic Eldar can "dodge bullets"
Basically they perceive and process things much faster than humans.
So by the time you aim your gun at her, she saw you moving your arm and has already moved out of the way.

Imagine someone trying to aim a gun at you in slow motion, and all you have to do is not sit still long enough for them to catch up with you. Thats how Eldar work.

>mfw
>mfw captcha: power wood

truly that is the best timeline

I punch her in the dick

IMAGINE

>not gonna help
Clearly debatable

>Even basic Eldar can "dodge bullets"
No?

>Basically they perceive and process things much faster than humans.
That has almost nothing to do with being able to dodge bullets.

>So by the time you aim your gun at her, she saw you moving your arm and has already moved out of the way.
Unless the target can move their entire body faster than you can adjust the angle of your gun, that doesn't matter.

>Imagine someone trying to aim a gun at you in slow motion, and all you have to do is not sit still long enough for them to catch up with you. Thats how Eldar work.
Eldar would also have to be able to move in super fast motion.
And to be able to move faster than someone's arm, you would need to move like the flash.
Not only that, but you would need to be able to reverse direction quickly enough too.

They ignore this kind of shit in the warhammer universe, but in ours that might not be the case.

>CHUDDOOM
Chuddoom.
...Chuddoom.
Who the fuck thought that was a reasonable sound effect for ANYTHING, let alone a fucking AUTOCANNON?

Was it autism?

It isn't that bad.

:thinking:

>Unless the target can move their entire body faster than you can adjust the angle of your gun
In most cases they can, particularly at close range

>Eldar would also have to be able to move in super fast motion.
They do

>And to be able to move faster than someone's arm, you would need to move like the flash.
Not really, more like a pissed off hornet

>Not only that, but you would need to be able to reverse direction quickly enough too.
They are graceful and poised beyond human limits

Best way to kill an Eldar is with overlapping fields of fire so that it is impossible for them to dodge. Basically fill the air with shrapnel and las bolts

Okay I take it back you're both autistic, christ

This desu.
Her thousands of years of experience is nothing compared to my inner strength.
She may even make me use 10 percent of my power.

This nigga gets it

...

Death by snu snu is the only way I want to die.

>In most cases they can, particularly at close range
Close range is the most difficult range to dodge things.

>They do
Not nearly fast enough.

>Not really, more like a pissed off hornet
Bugs are hard to hit because they are small, and can also change direction more easily

>They are graceful and poised beyond human limits
So?

>Best way to kill an Eldar is with overlapping fields of fire so that it is impossible for them to dodge. Basically fill the air with shrapnel and las bolts
Its physically impossible for any being that size to move quickly enough to dodge bullets like that in the real world.
It doesn't matter how "fast" your reflexes are, or how quickly you can move your limbs.
Even if the eldar only weighs say 120 lbs, the amount of force required to accelerate that mass quickly enough to be that elusive would require them to be so strong they would just break any surface in a modern home they were pushing against.
They also simply couldn't get enough frictional force on any surface they were standing on that would match the force needed for that acceleration, so they would just fall over.

tl;dr even if you had a being that could theoretically move and perceive that fast (like a robot or something) it would never actually be able to do it because of Newton's laws of motion, and frictional mechanics.

People forgetting literally all eldar are psychic so she knows when you're gonna pull the trigger baka desu senpai

XD

>Its physically impossible for any being that size to move quickly enough to dodge bullets like that in the real world.

Boy howdy it's a good thing Eldar aren't literally magic and closely tied to a dimension of magic made of hell and death and don't shit crystals or pee and can't read thoughts and have physical abilities that make humans look clumsy by comparison

The eldar are not capable of "dodging bullets" once they are fired.
If the barrel is aimed at them when the trigger is pulled they are shot

what they do is they
A-perceive your thoughts so they know how you will move your arm
B-Are capable of moving much faster than you can
C-See what you are doing in slow motion so they know exactly what to do to get out of the way of a shot IF they are capable of doing so.

ITT: /k/ get's triggered that it's guns aren't enough to protect it from fictional creatures.

Again.

I'd just offer some drugs.
She's into that now.

M-mom?!!!

STANDING ON THE EDDDDGE

>Boy howdy it's a good thing Eldar aren't literally magic
My very first post in this thread questioned whether their ability to defy physics works in our world.
You then when on to argue as if they didn't, and they could just dodge bullets because they're so much better than humans.
Now that I've shown that dodging bullets does defy physics, you've resorted back to saying it doesn't matter, because they're magic.

So in summary, you've conceded the original argument.

>inb4 "thats not what I was arguing"
It was, because you have no other reason to post, as the sentiment that an eldar being able to dodge bullets would require magic is in perfect agreement with my first post.

>A-perceive your thoughts so they know how you will move your arm
That's a sketchy excuse to start with, because it requires conscious thought rather than reflexive movement

>B-Are capable of moving much faster than you can
I just explained how they can't move fast enough to outpace your arm at distance.

>C-See what you are doing in slow motion so they know exactly what to do to get out of the way of a shot IF they are capable of doing so.
>IF
They cannot.
No such being could exist that even vaguely resembles the human form.

Came here to post this.
Then I realized I don't do drugs. Now clean up that nasty scar, fucking loser.

Nope, just pointing out that their fictional abilities don't work in real life.
If we were being transported to Lilith's room, it would be a totally different story.

If nothing else, she has a thousand years experience fighting champions from all over the universe and an amazing track record for not getting scratched. At the very least she would know how to disarm a man in the same room bare-handed even if we ignore the giant spear.

I'd imagine her falling over when she tries to move at what was previously her normal speed would be enough of an opening where I'd have a shot.
Nothing's guaranteed of course. She has knives, I've got a gun, it's close range, anything can happen.

Christ, dude. Have you no shame?

She's probably turn to dust from age or spawn into cancer from some triple-helix DNA first. Maybe she's already spawned and none of us have noticed yet.

>He actually thinks human reaction speeds aren't comically slow

i'd probably be dead but not fucked

Hummingbirds weigh like 1/4 of a pound at most, which is why they can move so quickly.

I have to ask, why are you trying to apply physics as we know them to a fantasy being? It's obvious that the misplaced being would have to bring their physics with them otherwise they'd completely cease to be that being.

>I have to ask, why are you trying to apply physics as we know them to a fantasy being?
I'm not.

>It's obvious that the misplaced being would have to bring their physics with them otherwise they'd completely cease to be that being.
That's exactly what I implied with my very first post.

Here:
>>The real question is if her physics defying ability to dodge shit works in our universe or not.

Not him, but with proper training and dedication humans can step up, or at least get close to, physical and mental limits.

Not everyone is a fat neckbeard.

Reaction speed has nothing to do with weight and movement is power/weight ratio, so all and Eldar would need to be faster than a man would be to be both lighter and stronger, not too much of a stretch considering their origin.

Reaction speed is generally capped by the speed of the chemical electrical signals and the distance they have to travel, hence small things tend to be fast, but even then, humans are far from the system's peak efficiency, to something that was, you'd look slow as fuck. Even if we were, Eldar aren't a natural race, they were genetically engineered to be warriors, there's no reason their nervous system couldn't be a naturally occuring fibre optic system in which case they could watch everything you do in ridiculous slow motion.

It's established they're agile as hell, which would neccesitate transhuman coordination and spatial awareness. Spatial awareness they're going to be able to use to estimate exactly where your handgun is pointing at any given time.

Some fa/tg/uy with a glock trying to draw a bead of them would be comical, you'd never be able to get your weapon sighted on them, they'd move out of the way before your flabby arm was even halfway done repositioning, let alone pulling the trigger.

The only way you'd kill something capable of the kind of speed Eldar are described as having would be to use an automatic and just brass the shit out of the general area they're standing in so they don't have anywhere safe to move. Some semi-auto pistol isn't going to cut it.

I've already completely demolished this argument earlier in the thread.
Read higher up in the thread, because I'm not posting it all over again.

>Not him, but with proper training and dedication humans can step up, or at least get close to, physical and mental limits.

Human nerve impulses travel at about 250mph. That is nowhere near the physical limit of an electrical signal. Not even close.

The fastest human and the slowest human are an irrelevence next to the maximum speed of an electrical current.

No you haven't, which is why I felt like having a stab at rewording it so you could attempt to wrap your head around it.

Next time you see a fly, try and shoot it out of the air. See how it goes, then imagine the fly understands what the handgun is and is actively trying to avoid letting you draw a bead on it.

If her physics didn't carry over there would be no point to this thread, no?

Use your head user.

Unless you have some inventive way she could defy newton's laws and violate everything we know about frictional forces without carrying over her physics defying magic from the 40k universe, then yes I have.

Based on what you said about the fly, you either didn't read it, or didn't understand it, so I'd suggest a trip to wikipedia before you consider replying again.