Your shield moans when hit

>your shield moans when hit

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Spooky moan or sexy moan? This is important to the premise.

>My shieldmaiden moans when hit

M-moans how?

I can think of worse ways to catch an enemy off guard

>Spooky moan or sexy moan?
Yes

Or moan in pain

...

>sexy moan
>from an old Scottish man
>ooooh laddy

>Find a beat up shield
>turns out it's one of those sentient magic items that can talk
>it talks with a really soothing feminine voice which is nice though for some reason its always asking when I'm going into battle
>later I run into a stray orc who doesn't look to friendly
>he spots me and charges at me with a large hammer in both his hands
>time to see what this baby can do
>manage to block to the hammer easily
>amazingly can't feel any force behind the blow at all
>before I can follow up with a counter attack, we both hear a strange voice
>"OOOOOOH YES HIT ME MORE! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU GOT YOU BIG GREEN STUD!~" we both hear with a insatiably lusty voice
>it doesn't take me long to realize it came from the shield
>the orc and I just stand there in awkward silence as the shield begs him to strike it again
>i look back at the orc and based on his face he looks very uncomfortable
>after a few more moments of the shield begging and letting out lusty moans the orc awkwardly walks off
>later I try to take off the shield but no matter what I do it just won't budge
>mfw it's a cursed item
Magic items never again

Kek

My players are going to hell soon, stealing this.

>masochistic slut shield
>a problem

...

He's getting cucked though because the shield is getting turned on by his enemies, not him.

There's old parable of unbreakable shield meeting unstoppable spear. I would like to think of a parallel of masochistic slutshield and sadoblade.

Any more?

What did the masochist say to the sadist
>hit me
What did the sadist say to the masochist
>no

>shield screams "FUCKING SLAVES GET YOUR ASSES BACK HERE" when hit

>thunder maul yells "YEAH, TAKE IT BOY" when you hit someone with it

instead of creaking the armor gives off quiet sex noises when moving, loud ones whenever it takes a hit.

An adventurer who's equipment is alive and creepily sexual
But the adventurer is as oblivious as a shinen protagonist

OOOOOOOOOOOH, YES!
DO IT AGAIN! DO IT HARD!

>Dave, did your.. did your gauntlets just gasp when you put them on?
>What? No, that's ridiculous.
>There! Your belt moaned when you cinched it!
>I have no idea what you're talking about, that was a totally normal belt-noise.
>I'm pretty sure that your scabbard just straight-up had an orgasm when you sheathed your sword.
>I'm not going to go adventuring with you if you won't get your mind out of the gutter. ...why is my scabbard damp?

>ooh yes harder daddy

>wow you have a magic scabbard that oils your sword for you

>spooky or sexy
It's an exasperated and tired moan, as if saying "ugh, this shit again?"

Can I teach it to mock my opponent's attack in the same sort of exasperated, disappointed voice?
>Is that really the hardest you can swing?
>You call that an attack?
>Oh, were you doing something? I didn't notice.
>Well wasn't that a pathetic attempt.
>That's a little small, isn't it?
Bonus points for sultry female voice

...

>the orc and I just stand there in awkward silence as the shield begs him to strike it again
>Iieyah!~, don't strike me again with your big, hard, blunt tool!
>It's so heavy and forceful! How will I be able to stand it!
>I'll be ruined! I'll be broken forever!
>An orc's orc will break my defenses down to nothing!~
Now I'm thinking of that Elf and Orc comic strip.

>drop all the equipment
>call grey knights
>PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE PURGE
Fucking eww.

>shield gets tickled
>Grey Knights all kill themselves cause they all feel impure after hearing its moans

>An orc's orc will break my defenses down to nothing!~

Not gonna lie, but if you had an orc swinging an orc at your shield, I'd be concerned for it too.

you monster

post results

The shield talks. It's actually an Old Dwarf that got a raw deal from messing with the fae.

When taking him for repairs:
>This better be a DWARVEN blacksmith yer takin' me to, son
>If swear on me father, if they ruin my engravings...

When used to bash an enemy:
>That's right son, now hit 'em harder!
>I'll smash ye focken 'ead in!
>RAAAAAH!

When placed on your back
>I've got yer back
>Don't worry, nobody's following ye

When struck:
>Use that sword fer something, son!
>YE RUINED ME DAMN BEARD!
>Drive me closer, I want 'ta bash 'em

If you try to deal with Fae:
>Don't ye fucken dare

>333333
Damn

witnessed

That's fucking great, also C H E C K E D

Checked

The best post on Veeky Forums right now

Dam son

When meeting an elf:
youtube.com/watch?v=KjHclWPVij0

WITNESS
Also, how would you anons make this a neat magic item? I don't want it to just be a +1 shield, that's boring. Considering making it an Animated Shield, b/c most of my players are polearm/2-handed fighters.

I would give it the equivalent of a once per rest confusion spell

>your sword screams in horror and begs for forgiveness when hitting

I read all this in his voice

W I T N E S S E D

> your breastplate likes hugging you
>your breastplate likes protecting there worm squishy friend

Checked, also, I'm gonna steal this idea, and add three of them to my next session, for elves, humans, and dwarves.

Oh shite mate, that's a noice one.

COMFY
O
M
F
Y

absolutely fucking witnessed, and for such a well-deserved post too

WITNESSED

I wonder, what if you had that shield and your sword was an old elf that also got screwed by the fae?

>Grey Knights arrive
>breastplate of warning yells "I'M THE BOSS OF THIS GYM"

>the lovers separated by war
>they refused to kill each other on the battlefield
>both sides of the conflict decided to punish them, to curse and separate for eternity
>as their love was in the way the love became their curse
>they are trapped in a shield and a flail
>the shield is masochistic, the flail is sadistic
>legend says the moment the long-separated lovers will meet (hit) each other, the curse will be broken and they will be free

WINRAR

Legolas and Gimli in weapon form.

>the breastplate has an emblem of a worn out child's teddy bear

Stealing these for my blatant-rip-off-of-the-odyssey campaign.

Clearly you should start banging on it to unnerve your enemies before combat.
Bonus points for a sinister war chant which is just S/M pillow talk spoken with a foreign language.

Ironically nither are an ax or bow

Several levels of witnessing.

Adding insult to curse

I'm actually statting these as we speak

>Dwarf turned into a shield, made to protect rather than cleave like a proper dwarf
>Elf made into a heavy Hammer, clumsy and can't even be thrown, much less shot
Living weapons are Fun.

>GM provides an example on how loud

>your shield has an intelligence of 1
>the moans are it's retarded attempts at communicating

d-daddy?

The gods declare this to be good.

youtu.be/ev5hnN4TkYE?t=40s

There is an armor like this in the Dark Souls series, called "Embraced Armor of Favor".
The breastplate has a pair of arms wrapped around it as if they were embracing the wearer.

Not the only thing ITT found in Souls.

>When placed on your back
>>I've got yer back
>>Don't worry, nobody's following ye

Legit giggled.