Hello and welcome to Veeky Forums where the experience is necessary but the points are always arbitrary...

>My celestial mount is your mom

Sour milk for half off? Sold! Thank goodness for Divine Health.

Odd posts to the adventurer's board.

elf slave, wat do?

>Local necromancer wants skulls to decorate his lair with.
>Kobold seeks snuggle buddy for winter.
>Veteran adventurer seeks vampire to level drain him back to level 1 so he can try life as a cleric.

"I'm pretty sure we can improve stealth with my music."

Doesn't matter...
>coughs up a gout of blood
Had...sex....

Had this happen before. Fuck bards

>local lord seeking adventurers to find daughter's virginity
>last seen near Orcish barbarian camp

>Wyrd wands for 50% off! Slightly used, may smell.

Critical successes at mundane tasks.

>Your campfire produces no smoke whatsoever.
>You find out that the town blacksmith is in an illicit gay relationship.
>The librarian decides to overlook your overdue book fee.

>The cleric actually manages to fit the camel through the eye of a needle, pleasing the merchant greatly

>One thousand years later, the map you drew on a napkin is exhibited at the NotLouvre as timeless masterpiece. Tim Hands is starring a film about a sage who follows clues to discover the location of the last dragon lair.

It'll still give you the worst shits ever.

>You drink from your waterskin with such grace, the party bard immediately begins writing a saga about it

>You write a perfect ampersand with your quill

dammit that's good

When necromancy goes wrong.

>Skeletons are subject to reverse gravity because you got the "raise the dead" part wrong

>You summon a mass of souls made from aborted babies and they take an interest in your uterine tissue.

>Your spell to animate all skeletons in a 30ft radius also animates your own skeleton.

>Your summoned legions consist of edgy teenagers because they're dead on the inside

>Immunity to Disease means immunity to STDs

>the spell works

>"I guess tomorrow... I'll be... seducing the gods."

>"I Turn the vampire and then spank her ass."

>"What if Humans are just Dire Halflings? Meet at the nearest tavern to discuss."

>The floor is so immaculately clean that it now repels dirt.

>"I'm pretty sure that's not where the leg bone goes."

You control the bones of a still living person

Things that will never be asked in a character art thread.

A nonsexualized nun, just completely normal and average nun.

"Can you make her dick smaller?"

I had a character who did the vampire thing. He was a vampire(alt race with alot of the protections and stuff gone) with an immortal girlfriend, but hated being involved in the all the world saving shit the other immortals did. His girlfriend was a custom NPC class who was a devoted blood donator to him. She enjoyed being pampered, so he adventured to fund their somewhat "lavish" lifestyle.

>you put down the bread, the table shatters under the force.

Are you sure that's not a critical failure?

The undead immediately form a union for better pay

>No, no, that Rich Berlew style has too much detail, make it more like Randall Munroe would

Rolling a one on a diplomacy check.

>Your boobs are fucking glorious can i moter boat them?
To elven queen

>You accidentally moon the entire royal court

Your own group drag you to one side and execute you.

>You accidentally tell them you poisoned the wine.

>10 gp for a healing potion? I can fuck your mom for less!

>In the midst of your speech, your pants mysteriously fall down, revealing the my little pony underwear you secretly bought at that brony convention that you went to "make fun of the retards"

>you thought the elven king would find it funny if you called him Pointy Beardless

You tell the elven court that you also specialize in ear rounding for those pesky pointy bits on their ears

>"As a devout Paladin of the Order of the most Blessed Light: go fuck yourself"

Rolled a 1 for diplomacy but Nat 20 for burn! *puts on sunglasses

How can your church charge so much? It's not like you worship a real god.

That Guy is at it again.

"Well, you never told me that stabbing the king was illegal!"
It is probably both

I rolled a natural 20 on my seduction check, that means I get to fuck the queen in the middle of court. What do you mean you didn't tell me to roll?

>I've literally played games with THAT GUY

>Runs down the hall inside of the giant death laser and activates all his grenades trying to kill the party and destroy the weapon.

>He failed btw

So I got my race from a furry blog. But don't worry it's not a sex thing

"It's not sleazy, it's role playing!"

Graffiti found in the dungeon restrooms.

>GRUMMUSH THE DREADED EMPTIED HIS BOWELS HERE

>For a good time, summon Amixcepolys

Call for good demon tongue
>scrawled is a contact orb spell

I went down to the kingdom of drow,
to find supple dark maidens to plow,
but some spider clergy,
found their own kind of glee.
I find sitting quite unpleasant now.

Fuck Elves!

WE
WUZ
KANGS

Bard's prize their silver tongues.
Bard lovers prize their sit-able faces.

>Khazgrob wuz 'ere

>We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Urist and Ualair.

>Dear Sirs,

>We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.

>We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

>Can you draw my character? He's a human male fighter.

(crude picture of gnoll genitalia)

>Mermaids smell like fish