If each god in the 40k universe were to gather for what is more or less one massive Iron Chef competition in heaven...

Roasted Squig in a fungus ale marinade

Khorne would be about spicy food, BBQ, meats from nose to tail - using the whole animal. There will totally be blood sauces, even animals that have not been bled like royal-style saddle of hare. Theme would likely be a warriors feast with many animal heads presented surround by their charcuterie.

Nurgle will be all about fermented foods, lots of fungus such as mushrooms being used in his dishes. Nurgle will absolutely love using aged products and well dry hung meat. All in all I think he'd be quite a rustic peasant style cooker, using the forest and the old ways to present and cook his food.

Slaanesh and Tzeentch I think would both use scientific gastronomy. Where Slaanesh would cook to the idea of perfection it may come out quite pretentious and deconstructed, where as Tzeentch will be all about tricking the diner with pleasant surprises.

Forgot to add, Nurgle would love using lots of garlic, herbs and spices though I doubt he'd go the spicy route. Plenty of cheeses on offer like casu marzu (maggot cheese).

To go into detail I imagine Slaanesh would serve you a perfectly cooked sous vide loin of venison, or a rack of lamb that has been reversed seared with microgreens and dante pan fried vegetables etc - think of your most artys gastro food and you've got Slaanesh. In typical fashion however while this food is utterly delicious and perfect, it is in very small portions and leaves you craving more and more. Tzeentch would mimic the medieval feasting games of tricking diners joke foods or foods made to look like others, but with the modern twist of using complex cookery such as edible plates and forks, an meat pie that is actually icecream, candles that are made from chocolate etc.

>Tzeentch will be all about tricking the diner with pleasant surprises.

Like foods that look like other foods?

All you niggas are leaving out Gork n Mork, Emps, the Omnisiah, and the C'Tan.

And possibly the last handful of Eldar gods as well.

He's the judge of course.

Like this, for example: youtube.com/watch?v=g4HFu_bkUak

Tacos

But only on Tuesdays

Depends on the ingredient

HA

Gods this thread is making me hungry.

Alright would Khorne only be a land chef or would he do surf and turf? Same for the others.

If it bleeds he can grill it.

The food I'm picturing in my head makes me want to marry this man... Oh god, why is my heart through my stomach!

>these dishes
>Big E the judge

Seems like Khorne might take this one. Khorne's style of cooking would probably be like childhood comfort foods for Big E, reminding him of his youth and securing Khorne the title.

He also makes a mean bowl of Khorne Flakes.

Marry me and let me have your babies Khorne!

Nurgle would make a bunch of fermented foods
Tzeentch would do something overly complicated that he never actually finishes
Slaanesh would pump cocaine into the judges' water supply
Khorne would just make blood sausage with a side of marrow bone

Char-broiled Khane kabobs?

Gork & Mork's fried squig with 11 secret herbs and spices?

Isha is that token woman on the panel, Omnisiah would be the host, Khaine would be the overly critical judge, Emps and the others might be chefs or the judges that show up every few episodes

Nurgle - Something way cheesy, like a 10 cheese lasagna. The cheese stretches for well over a foot when you get a piece.
Slaanesh - Slaanesh is going for high class and expensive, definitely foie gras and truffles are in it somehow.
Tzeentch - This one is gonna be a little tougher, but I think it would be things you wouldn't expect. So like an ice cream, but it's made out of something like squid ink. Things like that.
Khorne - This dude is gonna do one of two things. Barbeque, or a plate of pizza rolls and tendies.
Gork/Mork - Grilled stuffed mushrooms, but the mushrooms are just stuffed with shredded meat.
Emperor - Psyker souffle

Nurgle - a stew or soup using fermented foods I think.
Tzeentch - either something that through it's design would change flavor as you ate it, like with different sauces for steak or as different parts might mix on a plate or something like the deserts that are meant to be lit on fire to finish the cooking process.
Slaanesh - either some food that is a natural aphrodisiac, or appears beautiful and perfect on the outside, but is a hot sticky mess once you bite into it
Khorne - strikes me as a bbq with the whole cow kind of meal, complete with blood sausage and blood pudding.

>a plate of pizza rolls and tendies
Khorne is my nigga.

>Slaanesh
Cum.
> Nurgle
Pus.
> Khrone
Blood. Cooked with bone in a bronze cauldron.
>Tzeentch
Something so unfathomable that you wouldn’t able to tell where the plate ends and where actual food begins. Taste like chicken.

well, what's the theme ingredient?

You can't do Iron Chef without a prompt

>If each god in the 40k universe were to gather for what is more or less one massive Iron Chef competition in heaven, what would each of them cook?

What's the secret theme ingredient?

Also nobody has mentioned Malal yet, what would he make?

Gork and mork would spend 90% of the time fighting each other over what they cook and somehow manage to slap together an exceedingly delicious squig dish in the last 5 minutes that carries them way farther than they should
You joke about blood for khorne, but we've seem to have forgotten that blood food is TOTALLY a real thing. Black pudding anyone?
Malal, being the ultimate contrarian, would make nothing

>You joke about blood for khorne, but we've seem to have forgotten that blood food is TOTALLY a real thing. Black pudding anyone?

He's also the craftsman god. Khorne makes shit well.

Slaanesh also makes stuff, but different stuff. Khorne cares about function, slaanesh form

Malal crushes a plate, dices a spoon, and serves it on a flatbread.

>Kore no themu wa
>IMPERIALU GARDSMANU!!

The ingredient for today's dish is...
blueberries!
And... Start!

>Nurgle makes fruit salad with liberal application of Guardsmen and blueberries
>Tzeentch makes a multi layered strudel puff pastries with interlocking layers
>Slannesh goes for pork with blueberry glaze sauce
>Khorne... Gumbo. Just shove that shit in there.

Khorne would do Steak Tartare with a side of Blood Pudding from a local farmer.

Nurgle would make the finest Cheese Platter you'd ever see. The Casu marzu would be legendary.

Comfiest Thread on Veeky Forums right now

you are all saying that slaaesh would make refined and complicated food while khorne and others would fill his food with spices.
But slaanesh is the god of extreme physical pleasure and pain.
She would make the strongest tasting food, deliciously sweet and so spicy that it burns your tongue.It smells delicious, tastes delicious and only then you realize you've just scalded your mouth, but can't stop. And all the food will be prepared using plants or mushrooms with psychoactive substances and drugs, and there's so much food that you'll have to vomit in order to keep eating, and the drugs in the food will make sure that you'll keep being hungry.
by the end you'll be puking and shitting with a strong diarrhea, with your hands and half your face buurned, bleeding from somewhere, crying and laughing, hallucinatin wildly, possibly eating yourself along with the rest of the food, naked and masturbating.

Khorne wouldn't care about how food tastes, just that it's strong.It would probably be bland but energetic, possibly laced with stimulants.

Tzeentch's will be the promise of great food, incredible look an mouth watering smells,but it turns to tasteless ash when you bite it.
Nurgle's will be variously arranged rotten food. Fermented cheese, and fruit, and fish, and so on.
None of them would be a good experience.

A bar of genetically modifed gold.

>nurgle
He shits on a plate
>slaanesh
He also shits on a plate
>Khorne
Preserved meat and grains, packaged into a military MRE-style ration. He, naturally, butchers the cow/grox on the spot and then cures and smokes it as well.
>tzeentch
A vegetarian salad including greens, mushrooms and meat-imitations made of reprocessed grain gruel.
Everyone knows every single ingredient is actually made of meat and then magicked to look like nonmeat, which is a trick he's playing on vegetarians, but everyone eats the salad anyway because there are no vegetarians in 40k and tzeentch is just playing tricks on nobody AGAIN.

Well first, assuming they actually try to compete and not just throw something vaguely relevant to them and their memes on the plate, Slaanesh wins, they know what would be the most delicious, satisfying food in existence. Nurgle would probably have some kind of heavy comfort dish, lots of starch and cheeses, and a grand finale with a dessert spread. Khorne would have steaks, of course, and probably a nice bean dish or blood pudding because memes, and with a nice nut dish for desert. Then Tzeentch would serve a stir-fry with really exotic meats and vegetables, and boisenberry shortcake for dessert.

This guy get's it

IT'S FRIDAYS YOU HERETIC!!!

This assumes the gods continue to act like the 1 dimensional taglines they actually are in this nonsensical fantasy scenario we've created. Why not assume they're actually going to try to make good food?

They are beings made from raw emotion. Why should they ever act normal, where's the fun in that?

they are going to make good food. But their phylosophy and lifestyle informs what they consider good food.
For Khorne good food must give you energy to fight and proteins to build muscles. He would probably find something with lot of spices and strong flavors to taste gross because he's not used to it.
And so on.

Because trying to understand what they'd enjoy should they have more depth and act more human is an interesting thought experiment. Far more interesting than: "Slaanesh does drugs lol and nurgle is all rotten shit lmfao and Khorne is blood kek and Tzeentch serves soylent green xd"

I must bow to the trips of tru-
Nah that's stupid.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Not fond of cheese, but I think I'd go with Nurgle on this one.

> trying to understand what they'd enjoy should they have more depth

you are the one who lacks depth.
To a fly shit smells good, to a carrion eater rotting meat smells great. To Nurgle likewise rotting and fermenting food would appear as the greatest thing ever. You are projecting your own human tastes on a god of rot, that's your failure.

Khorne is the god of fighting, for him the most important thing in food is how energetic it is. He would taste the food he's making, feel a rush of blood and heat in his whole body and start shaking with excitement at the greatfood he's making. Then he'll exclaim proudly "eating this will keep you going for a month, without need for sleep or rest, your bones will break and your muscles will tear, but still you'll have energy to spare. This is the best food ever made".

Slaanesh is all about extreme physical sensations, from pleasure to pain, and she'll make sure that her food will make you experiece thie widest and strongest range of them. It will be the most sensual food in existence. (sensual means that it refers to the senses).
Tzeentch is a bit more complicated I admit.
I wen with him making a promise of great food, filling your eyes and nose, but then came unfulfilled at the end because if it was fully realized then people would stop striving forward for more. His food should leave you wanting for even more and better and different.

Khorne would kill and cook the judges.

You're acting like a moron. Without projecting human qualities onto them the answer is: They cook nothing because only Slaanesh would care what food is and they would care only for the most debased extreme food could become, perverted into general, gluttonous consumption, likely of the things that would bring out the most extreme emotions: other people, cute animals, knives, things on literal fire, etc. A "real" Slaaneshi dinner would be getting fucked up on bath salts and eating your friends and family while a demon fucks you in the ass and Medic Droid blares on overhead speakers.

But shit like that takes no thought to write about.

My wife makes me menstrual blood pudding

>They cook nothing
the premise is that they cook, so they cook, but what they cook is based on their godly domain.
that stuff is easy.

lol

>A platter of century eggs, lutefisk and kimchi, assembled with love and care.
Doesn't sound bad desu.

Would nurgle not just make beer of some kind? It's a product of fungi after all

Underrated post

To the nurgle point, fermenting food IS good. Never had saurkraut or blue cheese? Beer, maybe? There's plenty of real, good foods that nurgle would love.

Also, I don't doubt slaanesh would cook with drugs, but I've seen plenty of "medicated" dishes in my life, so I expect she'll pull it off just fine.

It sounds awful. Piss soaked cardboard, bleach, and I've never tried kimchi but if it's like any of the other fermented cultural 'delicacies', I'm certain it would taste like eating roadkill.

>>Slaanesh
>A sphere of innocuous and flavorless sorbet. Except it's not that, it's actually just a sphere of chilled cocaine.
You are missing the fuck out of Slaanesh.

Malal would end up cooking something thats really good, but at the same time is so unhealthy to you eating it would count as selfdestructive. keeping up wit his theme.

or in other words: he would serve propably McDonalds.

Theme ingredient is magic.
Khorne just uses some psyker as meat source

Sauerkraut is fermented as well and it's great. Kimchi is very similar. It's pretty good. Don't be too quick to judge, though you are dead right about lutefisk.

Taco Tuesdays are the day of the TACO! IT is ALLITERATION!
Yes it's a wonderful thread

Slaanesh would cook this:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ortolan_bunting#Gastronomy

>force-feed a cute little song bird until it doubles its weight
>drown it in Armagnac
>briefly roast it
>the diner eats the bird whole while wearing a towel over his head to hide from God

Nurgle would cook another of his plagues and would win easily.
You know, in a certain point of view Nurgle is a cook by profession

Okay since we weren't given a special ingredient (besides Guardsmen) I'll offer one up.

So also assuming we're basing this off of Iron Chef America.

Today's Secret Ingredient is...

WILD BOAR

Allez cuisine!

Sauerkraut is tolerable, but I wouldn't consider it to be a cultural delicacy. It's got pretty widespread appeal because it's not awful. If kimchi is like that, it's probably not too bad.

The issue is that most of these more obscure niche delicacies are obscure and niche because they taste like shit.

What about Nata de coco?

This would be more funny if it was Age of Sigmar

McD's is Nurgle, comforting you while it slowly kills you. Malal should be a microwave TV dinner. It aspires to be a full, balanced meal of real food, but ruined American cuisine for 50 years.

I was thinking an even more extreme version of this
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futurist_cooking

As this is literally the best thing on Veeky Forums right now - both credit to this thread and of detriment to Veeky Forums as a whole, I would like to make a small contribution.

>Khorne
You are served a box. It shakes. It growls. It screeches and it howls.
You are handed a knife and fork.
>Prove yourself worthy of the meat.
I then like to think should you survive the meat would be careful and most delicately slow cooked or smoked. This is the god of demon forges and war machines too. Rich flavours and very tactile, foods you have to crack open or on the bone.

>Nurgle
Other anons have done this perfectly already. Thousand year eggs and other dishes with decay as a theme but also hearty, rustic and honest. I imagine a dish which somehow still lives as you eat it.

>Tzeentch
Illusion is the name of the game. Heston Blumenthal meets M C Escher

>Slaneesh
Not just a meal at the heights of decadence but there must also be spectacle I would suggest. Eating off a naked woman as you watch the Mona Lisa burned doesn't even begin to describe it.

Here's your (you).

Khorne would make khorne flakes

Tzeentch would go full Iron Wok Jan and make dishes that would make you feel disgusted when eating the other contestants' food

I feel like Slaanesh would emphasize plating and originality over actual food quality.

Because who wouldn't like eating bits of raw fish and rice served on the body of a daemonette?

>lolSlaanesh=sex

Slaanesh is the god of excess.

The food would be never ending and laced with every drug possible.

It would be up to the Chef whether you eat until you choke, drown or burst or if your body changes to continue the feast forever.

Kimchi is like sauerkraut with chili and garlic. It's fantastic.

Nurgle would make a nice aged cheese steak sandwich using the most tender of feemented beef steak, topped with mushrooms and served with wine.

Slaanesh would make a caked, not just any cake, a caked with every flavor, the sweetest, yet most sour, and bitter, and salty, and savory, it would light your tongue on fire and you you would be moved to tears, nothing would ever taste ever again.

Tzeetch would make a stuffed turkey, and poison it, poison it, it would be sided with mashed potatoes and gravy, pees and crandberry sauce, and corn on the cob, one of these side dishes would give you the antidote, the others would simply kill you, (theres no poison in the turkey, its in each side dish.)

Khorne, there is only one answer for khorne, Blood for the Blood God! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL! CORN FOR THE CORNFLAKES!

Can we just keep this thread alive forever?

I remember Slaanesh's pleasure palace has a section about food, specifically called the circle of Gluttony is next; it plays upon the intruders desire for lavish foods and wines.
With sumptuous banquets and rivers of wine. A single taste reduces the imbiber to a bloated fool whose only desire is to gorge until his tortured body gives way under the strain.

Slaanesh makes a pizza

youtube.com/watch?v=CJEoASUMZbI

And the hungry whore eats the whole thing on his own.

>Blood Pudding, with a faint, but distinct bourbon glaze, served in a large skull
>Cum Cakes with a drizzle of vaginal fluid, served with a glass of human milk with a few tablespoons of cocaine and LSD mixed in for good measure, served on the stretched-out scrotum of a daemonette
>A one pot stew/curry hybrid, consisting of a little bit of everything. Served over ordinary rice on a plastic plate shaped like an animal face
>An invisible plate of spaghetti (Except it's actually a plate of live squid), covered in a succulent clam sauce. The clams are fresh off the vine, and the sauce is made of a distinct base of knowledge, accented by fresh-squeezed penguin, and has a subtle hint of D-Flat. Served with a completely ordinary glass of milk. From a cow. From Earth. That was completely untainted by anything, meaning it was also organically and responsibly sourced. The glass is also mundane glass.

Why has no one mention Cegorach? If he's not the wise cracking judge I'd image his dish would be something with a lot a flair and color, similar to Slaaneshes but with less drugs. Not sure about Ynnead though.

He throws a pie to your face and calls it a dish.

The emperor makes a normal-looking dish. It prominently includes bread, of many types, and sea food. The wheat, maize and rice are genemodded.

Nurgle serves everything rotted, including cheese, lutefisk, beer, etc.

If khorne were to serve fish on his dish, it would had to be tuna.

What do the C'tan make? I would like to think something artificial

what would Chegorath eat? i think fried clowns. they taste funny.

The Hive Mind would like to get involved.

It would genetically engineer a new strain of Gaunt that would climb onto your table and curl up on your plate. At this point a chemical reaction within the organism will flash cook it before your very eyes. The expansion from the heat will split the carqpace along a specific seam, presenting you with a well cooked and organized meal within the beast. The many barns on its tail can be easily broken off and are shaped as our most common utensils.

As for the flavor, the Hive Mind has absorbed and studied every major race in the setting. The Foodgaunt would be engineered on a molecular level to appeal to our every sense in the most pleasant fashion.

Fucking phone...

Barbs on its tail, barbs.

That sounds betty gud

>Khorne makes all sorts of energizing stuff
>Slaanesh makes some of that stupid shit like eating the food off the table
>neither makes it particularly tasty

Khorne does cooking like Regular Ordinary Swedish Mealtime on PCP. No one knows what the dish actually is, because it's been chopped to a fine paste.

Nurgle serves up month-old leftovers of microwave dinner, because who cares, give in to entropy.

Tzeench creates an intricately layered soufflé, actually manages to cook it to perfection, then trips and smashes it just as he's about to serve it.

Slaanesh serves up something so utterly excessive and decadent that the judges get diabetes just from looking at it. Still gets jealous looks from Isha.

Cegorach makes a regular-looking pie. It's actually filled with angry bees.

Khaine gives everyone food poisoning because he didn't wash his hand.

Isha tries to make a healthy salad, unfortunately gets spoiled by being next to Nurgle's dish.

Gork and Mork can't agree on the recipe, end up shoving all the ingredients in the oven BEFORE cutting and mixing them.

The C'tan tell everyone they're making barbeque skewers, it's literally just the metal pins without any meat.

Emps was on a drunken bender last night and is stuck on the toilet for the entire competition.