One of it's working titles is “DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE HAND OF CHAOS”

All Indiana Jones, Robert Langdon, heck, even Star Wars IV.

Honestly, that sounds like good fun. Follow three or four characters, each trying to fuck over the others to get the hand without getting fucked themselves.

Then end with everyone betraying everyone.

>>"Fifteen million dollars is not money. It's a motive with a universal adaptor on it."
That's actually a good point. And quote. Filing that one away.

Probably the only good way a D&D movie would work would be the way Stranger Things did it, having the players of D&D suddenly face off against a monster from the MM.

Without the whole dice, tabletop, and player element it's not really D&D. It's just some bland fantasy movie with the name "Dungeons & Dragons" in the title.

I'm actually willing to argue that the 2nd and 3rd Indiana Jone's films weren't good.

And Star Wars IV is really far from "Get the item." It starts with "Rescue the Princess" and ends up with "Put your glowy bits into the space boob."

>Do fans of D&D even want it to not suck?
NO! NO! A million bazillion gazillion billion prillion trillion times no! Why on earth would I ever want it to not be a total trainwreck that I laugh at, not with? Why would anyone want it to be anything else?

The first D&D movie, the one with Jeremy Irons and Thora Birch is like a döner kebab: Unidentifiable meat(weird plot with too many moving parts), little to no connection to its origin, too much sauce(unnecessary scenes that add nothing), badly pickled jalapeno(Wayans and Birch are not even trying) and canned corn(Irons's over-acting is second to none, not even Raul Julia's M. Bison is as hammy). Much like the Döner Kebab, you know this is trash of the worst calibre.

And much like the Döner Kebab, Dungeons & Dragons and its sequels have been satisfying cult movies that you can laugh at. Movies that are improved by watching them with friends and pointing out the stupid, where you shout down the actors, don't even try to follow the plot.

D&D movies have been movies whose main selling point is that they strengthen cameraderie by giving you something to focus your social interactions on while themselves being so clearly bad that no one goes "hsssh, I want to hear Snails speak". They were perfect as something to do if a player doesn't show up and you can't hold a session(like if someone were out dog-sledding and the dogs refused to pull the sled. Happened to us).

I didn't proof-read thoroughly. The metaphor is that döner kebabs are tasty and satisfying junk food, not that döner kebabs are cult movies.

Ronin (the one with de Niro and Reno, but also fuckload of other stars) is probably THE "get the item" film and it's pure kino. Never mind the plot is so basic you can condense it in single sentence - it's absolutely epic execution and chemistry on screen combined with one of the best dialogues of the decade (if not two) that make it fucking brilliant.

The only bad movie of Jones trilogy was the first one, user. Had some iconic elements, but in general comes with the weakest plot, weakest acting, weakest dialogues and weakest locations. Plus watched all by itself, without considering it to be part of some sort of series, it feels really fucking shallow, even for a popcorn flick.

Your kebabs sucks a lot

All kebabs suck. That's what kebabs ARE.

...Really?

The first one is the least "Love it or Hate it" of the series. It's just a good, fun flick with very little pretension and a lot of fun ideas.

The other two take a lot of risks, and his companions are horrible. Dialogue, acting, and plot just go straight past nonsensical to comically absurd, while the first at least had some grounding. What you call "weak" I take to mean "not utterly insane."

I was excited for the movie until this post. You're right. It's a fantasy movie with the branding

That's what sucky kebabs are.

Found the turk

I want to motorboat Cestree.

Same, and I'm a girl.

tits or GTFO

Imagine having a cuisine so terrible that you think there are "good" kebabs.

I have the perfect pitch for a good D&D movie.

It starts with a bunch of players playing an old edition back in high school. We see the group's final session where they defeat the big bad or something. They all go off to different colleges and don't see each other for years. They end up reuniting at some event (class reunion, funeral of a friend, whatever). They decide in memory of old times that they'll try and start up a game again. They pick up the books for 5e (WotC shills for the new edition). The actors learn how to play the game as their characters do so you have relatable newbie mistakes. The actors play characters based off of themselves so their actions are relatable. You cut back and forth between the game universe and their real lives (focusing on the characters building relationships, once again in reality and for the first time in the game). Issues come up IRL and in game (due to the changes in the players and their lives over the time they've been apart) that threaten to tear the group apart. The group is able to successfully solve them and face the problems together (represented metaphorically by beating the big bad). The game has a tie in module of the campaign so that people at home can get into D&D (WotC gets their money).

Fantastic, but would need to last 5 hours because it's gonna be two movies at once.
Or have one movie with just the real life with little D&D in it, keypoints and such, with everything being good drama about growing up and never having D&D again because life will tear them apart, and the second movie with only D&D in it and to figure out why some insane things happened like a beloved character getting instantly gutted was because IRL the guy playing him had to move away and they got in a fight.

Maybe a TV series or one of those deals with netflix, amazon, hulu, and hbo all those new shows are coming out with

That could work, but you still need to get characters that finished university back in one town for some time, maybe 2 weeks.

Maybe the guy who died's parents need help and are offering lodging, they're rich fucks on a far off farm and need hands to fix it up and sell it off, and the dead guy's most trusted and beloved friends stayed in over summer break or something, working during the day, gaming during the night, with some of them going to town to party or etc. They can game with one chair for the dead guy with his picture on it.

Can be a hits-too-close-to-home dynamic of people that became social, successful and fun in college while others remained the same dweebs that prefer closer, friendlier circles; and some that utterly failed and went neet. They will undoubtedly get into arguments and so on; but will try to savor the last light of a begone age of careless high-school D&D.

second season is 25 years later when they meet as successful old, mature people and make up over a game.

My pitch for the D&D movie would be just to turn the Dark Elf Trilogy into a trilogy of movies.

The biggest challenge would probably be the "Is Drow makeup blackface?" hurdle.
Then I would just end up making the Elric movie they lied about in Argo.

t. flyover

Considering some of the pitches that are getting approved, this one could probably get a green light from Hulu just by not being another cringe-inducing comedy.

youtube.com/watch?v=oSynJyq2RRo

It can't not suck.

>WE ARE PALADINS OF THE SUN GOD
>WE CONDUCT OUT RITUALS AT MIDNIGHT
>WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY OUR GOD IGNORES US

The fucking lich priest is the only redeeming part of that god awful movie.

As someone who spent some time as an expat in the UK, I don't have to imagine.

Last I heard they wanted to capture the magic and feel of the first Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm okay with this.

A ragtag group of adventurers thrown together because they're all after a macguffin for different reasons, with action pieces set to 70's/80's music instead of orchestrated stuff like most fantasy movies. It could be really fun.

They just need to get weird with it, and not make a serious fantasy movie.

You don't actually want the game to get more popular, do you?

3>1>4>2

And the chaotic stupid assassin who goes around murdering people for no reason besides being evil. And the swarm druid who is an enormous asshole while putting on a friendly demeanor.

You pretty much described Gamers 2

All kebabs suck. Period. If you think otherwise you probably are a brit or a german

>implying glorious swedish kebab pizza is not a prince among foods

Star Wars IV was "get the droids", since rebel terrorists are the villains

There's no straightforward way to make a D&D movie, for the simple reason that D&D doesn't have a story. It's a storytelling method. And the official stories that do exist generally draw upon an innate understanding of certain relationships or interactions--not a good starting point for a mass-market movie--or else involve a lot of exposition and discovery.

However, this movie is also in a bit of a weird place from a production perspective. The previous Dungeons & Dragons movies are considered laughably bad, and the recent Warcraft movie was a spectacular flop. The studio can't realistically hope to sell a film based solely on the IP drawing in crowds, and it's far too expensive to be justifiable as one giant advertisement.

Neverending Story: the RPG: the Movie? I like it.

If they just rip off Guardians of the Galaxy (without the pop-culture and the sci-fi aesthetic) I'll be satisfied.

Brit here. I was the first one to make the 'all kebabs suck' argument in the thread.

Even Pratchett mentioned it.

WoW did great in China. Kind of why we're going to see more scifi/fantasy movies pander to them.

Expect the Monk to have a very important role in the upcoming D&D movie.

Maltese Falcon and the Ocean’s Eleven remake are great.
The trick is to make the Item a macguffin; it doesn’t really matter what it is, other than it has value and competing interesting characters want it for themselves.
I mean, fuck, the Falcon was fucking worthless in the end, and in the original O11 I’m pretty sure one guy fuckedbit all up in the end and lost the money anyway.

>The biggest challenge would probably be the "Is Drow makeup blackface?" hurdle.
Oh God, this is totally going to happen, isn't it.

>Expect the Monk to have a very important role in the upcoming D&D movie.
One who stumbles in the darkness carries a stick. But one who sticks out in the darkness is fluorescent

It’s either “is drow Make-Up blackface” or “do we do the Klingon thing and cast only black actors”

Just looked it up: one guy fucked up the delivery method (get money, put into coffin, pick up at funeral home) because he chose a coffin that was getting cremated

That's bullshit but I believe you. Even still

>canned corn

Where do you get a kebab with this? I would prefer french fries on my kebab.

>MFW the best Klingon actors are white guys

Idk, what about the guy in DS9 who was trying to frame Worf for firing on and destroying a freighter full of refugees?

>but would need to last 5 hours because it's gonna be two movies at once.
Have you ever heard of a B plot? Or an allegory?
Here's another way to word the question: Is Eragorn a fantasy adventure, or a coming-of-age story? Those are two different movies, after all. (Ignore that Eragon is shit)