Memorable quotes from campaigns

Post quotes from your games out of context.

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What's that art from, OP? Looks like it could be a good comic, or at least one that looks good.

> "Will you just run? I can't heal stupid."

Someone post the healslut.

Just google healslut there's plenty for you to jerk off to.

>"My dearest chocapics, you may be wondering why you all hear my voice."

"I coat myself in butter and start flexing."

Healsluts are a reddit meme.

>"What do you mean this was a great plan? I'm between a rock and a pregnant place!"

"I don't think being a rape victim gets you any street cred"

"This motherfucker just pops out wherever, whenever he feels like it! I can be just making a sandwich and BAM! there he is!"

"I mean, I was planning for there to be a race war yes, I just didn't think YOU would start it!"

>"PR-wise, we're never coming back from this."

"alright... roll? for gay sex"

"Okay, roll for whether or not your sexual orientation changes"

Tee hee hee.

"Either I'm gonna get shot by the thief, or I'm about to get laid. Or Both."

"I suplex the skycar. On to the bodyguard."

"I'm gonna grab her legs and pull her so she's back under the portcullis."

"So the plan is to pretend to be two goomba-stomped midgets in a trenchcoat? I'm down."

"Roll to find the most depressed person in the bar."

"So I'm going 3/3 on getting young women killed by my actions."

"Congrats, you just killed Napoleon's top ninja!"

"Is my bear Catholic?"

>horse dick is delicious, burn down the orphan girl's house

almost forgot:

"So are we ISIS from Archer, or actual, real world ISIS?
Yes."

"Are you really sure that the little girl in a dress isn't a telepathic dinosaur?"

The artist is Godmachine

godmachinedesigns.blogspot.com/

"No wonder your husband locked himself in his lab for a century, you look like your pussy has a hare lip."

"I know not of this Rolf, I am Angus McFife, King of Hul!"

"What's the worse that could happen?"

"I surrender! What do you want for you to go away!"
"Five Thousand Gold Pieces."
"I can do that!"
"Then you can do Ten Thousand!"

Angus McFife you say?
youtube.com/watch?v=AaeX6v0mEqg

If Americans weren't such pissbabies, Archer would've had an episode where Archer gets drunk and winds up in the "Syrian Branch."
"Sterling, we don't have a Syrian branch."
"Uh... okay uh... by the way are we like... throwing people off roofs?"
"Heavens no!"
"Mother, sit down, I think I know what happened."
>Title theme
"Team, we have a situation, Archer has teamed up with the WRONG ISIS!"

Seriously that shit wrote itself.

>"I would be honored, my queer deylana!"

The only honest guy in this campaign and we fucked him. No wonder all the people in this world are assholes.

"dibs on the dead guy's hat!"

"I thoughts paladins were celibate? "
replied to with
"Maybe where you're from"

"pervert! stay away from my bear!"

>players being chased by Green juvinile Dragon (idk if thats the spelling im a tard)
>they get stopped by a hill giant
>they convince the hill giant the dragon is a "big bad" and he should protect the party bcs they will get him the dragons eggs
>giant rips a red wood tree out the ground and uses it as a club
>they give the giant cheers to get him to beat the shit out of the dragon (this wont work but it was a good plan)
>our high elf wizard with 18 int screems in a tard voice "BEEEEEEEEG TREE SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH"
>this was so loud the neighbours come to the door and tell us to stfu
>tfw big tree smash got us a noise complaint

"It's elves. It's always been elves."

And Tucker has swallowed his own tongue again, which bums out Narselli, because she wanted to sautee and eat it.

lol nigga wot

>Text based 5E game, party consisting of Wizard, Monk and Warlock attempt to flee from a giant zombie crocodile thing with a vomit attack like Gaping Dragon

>Wizard: "... so gross so gross so gross so gross so gross...!"
>Monk: "Just think of puppies! Clean puppies!"
>Warlock: "Clean, living puppies!"
>Wizard: "Thanks, [Warlock]! Now I'm sick and thinking of dead puppies!"
>Warlock: "I said living, dammit!"
>Wizard: "That's like saying don't think about purple elephants!"
>Monk: "Now all I can think about is purple dead puppies!"
>Warlock: "STOP THINKING AND RUN!"

ITS ALWAYS THE DAMN ELVES

Does anyone has the "Fuck him, he's a retard." picture?

I've been recording some quotes in my new campaign for out-of-context humor.
>Your best attack is both a kick to the nuts and a rape whistle.
>If he fell down the stairs three months ago, he's dead!
>It's never just a chest. [player rolls 25] It's a chest.
>If I'm gonna die, I wanna die sitting on my ass.

this may be the most accurate thing I've read on this entire goddamn website

The Pc's pirate crew includes a magic regenerating Kobold with 2 intelligence and a cannibalistic Yuan-Ti pureblood who likes to eat the Kobold piece by piece, since he'll just grow it back anyway.

lol that sounds fkin funny.

im running a pirate campaign too and its nowhere near that good

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This is the worst thread on Veeky Forums right now

>drunkenly; "Y'know cleric, you're a pretty cool guy and all. Even if your staff has the symbol of Asmodeus on it."
>also drunkenly; "No it...it's just carved into the wood."

Archer takes place before the formation of ISIS

I love you, I named him after this song.

Archer takes place in an extremely vague temporal frame. They even joke about that.

We're playing good cop/bad cop. My associate who just neutered your friend is good cop. Draw your own conclusions.

"I firmly grip my Hardon in my hands and drive it deep into the Darkness."

"Should I tell him we killed his dad for a chest full of rocks?"
"Only if you want me to kill you with a chest full of rocks."

"Listen I'm just playing a Ork Twink dammit"

>We have your friend! Surrender or he dies!!
>I don't have any friends, only royal subjects!

"Congratulations! You've found me!"
"What do I win?"
"PAIN!"

"He had a message for you. Fuck off."
"That was his message?"
"Well, he said it too."

"The hobgoblin falls to the ground convulsing. He comrade drags him off to be executed, as weakness is not tolerated in the ranks."

Context, super hero campaign. Player character is a hero called 'silver' as in silver age. It's one of the more dark kind of setting, heroes acting like stuck up celebrities and jerks. He acts like a slightly goofy silver age comic hero, calls villains things like creep, all that sort of stuff. On one particular session ends up answering the same situation as a girl who's out as a hero for the first time, making her debut so to speak.
>First time? Wearing the cape I mean
>Yeah
>Let me give you a word of advice. Play pretend. Like you were putting on a stage play and you're the role of that stalwart hero who always saves the day. It's a little cheesy at first but trust me, it helps.

woof.

That hurt me in places I didn't expect.

What? It wasn't supposed to be a particularly sad thing. It was more of a fake it till you make it deal. Like ham it up to make being a hero easier

>Me:Enjoy your new Dragon boyfriend
>Other Player:FUCK I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIRL

>yes your teeth get opportunity attacks

Years back in a Dark Heresy game I was running the crew was investigating this man and tracked him to the 40k equivalent of an Italian restaurant. The PCs order the some food and the waiter responded "Okey da dokey" as a confirmation and they lost their shit. Years later this still gets brought up from time to time, and while I do find it funny it sort of haunts me that it has so much staying power compared to more intentional things I've done.

>Shortly after their order the guardsman learned you can't do a non-lethal takedown with a power fist.

>"Since nobody's paying attention, I may as well work on a bit of system design while you two develop your homoerotic subtext."

"Go on. Continue killing your slaves. I don't give a fuck."

HE IS THE PRINCE OF THE LAND OF FIFE
STRONG AND TRUE WITH A HEART OF STEEL

Not the same user, but I get what he means, it does kind of come across as this whole "Pretend the world is a comic book so you never have to deal with the suicide-inducing stress of being responsible for every life in your jursidiction and seeing the worst the universe has to offer" thing

[speaking to a bunch of ogres who were being used as heavy slave labor]

>When you hear the sound of an explosion going off in the high tower you need to go out and break down the armoury doors.

BOOM MAKE GROX n FRIENDS NOT DO ARMYS CHORES GOT IT!

No! you bash down the large down the street.

NO WORK! NO WORK! NO WORK!

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>The work is laughing at you from inside that building over there and they think you are all fattie dumb-dumbs

>you accidentally had sex with the princess?

Read it in their voices.

Ooohhh, I can kinda see how it would come across like that. The character was more about basically defiant optimism, and acting like the stalwart paragon hero in a world where people like that generally don't exist, and hopefully leading through action, bringing other people to follow in his footsteps and making the world a better place.

>So the space werewolves just ate our zebra
Dark Heresy

>space werewolves
A different type of space werewolf from the Space Wolves, presumably?

Ok, so [character name] turns into a creature that would give H.R. Giger and David Croenenberg nightmares for life.

" I might be a ghost, but im going to possess that fucking dragon!"

I had a player shout "Guten Tag motherfucker!" as he jumped out of a moving jeep that had a lit stick of dynamite and some grenades in the floor board threw a summoned wall of bone and into a group of Nazis.

>We open the bomb bay doors
>Ok you open the bomb bay doors and all the guns and ammunition fall through, roll to see if you managed to land them on the village

"These guys did fuck all. That reward is mine."

"Think about this for a second. Do you really, REALLY want the answer to the question 'But how did she fit it in there?' Be honest now."

Untrue

I used to roleplay them on Eff-List back when I was a total aspergic /b/tard

"I blow a hole in the dead guy's brain and fuck his skull"
followed by
"Roll to not get AIDS"

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>"Great, the Princess got kidnapped again."
>"Prince."
>"What?"
>>"It was the Prince that got captured."
>"Did I stutter?."

DIGGANOBZ

“I like to think of him as a Mr. Potato Head with a gun.”

"Roll to wash dishes"

"Welp this world is fucked. Everyone to the wizard's spaceship."

Real subtle user

CRAAAAIIIGG

GM: The call connects...

Player: "Hey, is this Kylo Ren?"

"I CAN'T! I BLOCKED THE DOOR WITH FIRE!!!"
"Take 20 points of dragon"
"She's wearing the food"
"Cedric needs hurt"
"It pancakes across the floor towards you"
"The emu is flobbeling menacingly in your direction"
"This is getting ristupulous..."

"I'd love to help you, but I'm a dinosaur"

"Check in your wallet. That's ME on the dollar bill."

>"Is there a Ramp?"

Coming out of the damn trees

Pregnant place?

Nice.

>"How much does a pound of cocaine weigh anyway?"

>"He tells you 'ciao!' but, you know, in Italian."

>"That's no troll! It's my tame mudbeast! Now let me in!"

"I magic missile the darkness"

that's a classic
Oh, this is good. Very good.

>"Do you hate me?"
>"I'm afraid I can't answer that right now."

>I grab the Mayor and run

>"you ruin... FUCKING EVERYTHING!"

Why did you use a Carnifex album cover as your pic?