Things that your character said and one-liners

Post 'em.
For one-liners elaborate context pretty please.

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I'm a DM for my idiot friends, but I'll try to recap a non-funny should-have-been-there story.

>Playing LMoP
>Players are all new to D&D but familiar with tropes
>Investigating the first goblin cave
>Players meet named boss gobbo, Klarg
>I describe the room, the evil bastard and other typical DM stuff
>Players really like diplomacy and try to talk to everyone
>Dumbass wizard walks up to angry greenskin
>Tries really hard to be serious since, as they, they like diplomacy and actually try hard, bless their soul
>Player says, in the most effeminate and casual voice imaginable
>HI KLARG
>And does an awkward handwave

It's impossible to put into text, but the whole situation was so fucking awkward and funny that "Hi Klarg!" became a default greeting for the group. I guess it worked well because he wasn't trying to be funny.

From the same group:

>They massacre 3 goblins
>4th goblin is fucked up and bleeding to death on 1 hp
>Just one more hit guys
>Female player wants to diplomacy to get more info
>Whatever, I'll let her roll, what could possibly go wrong
>Nat20
>... of course
>Manage to RP an awkward, dying, brutally hurt goblin whose friends were just butchered by maniacs, but who nevertheless thinks this dwarf female is worth talking to and giving some near-useless piece of goblin info

I realize it may have been weird DM'ing, but it was also my second game ever, and it worked out really well. Newbie D&D is fun.

>BARBARIAN. SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

Our system's Barbarian-like classes can perform a move called barbarian scream, a sort of battle-cry/barbaric yawp/black canary ability.
Except I already had killed 2 people (both at point blank, one via breaking his neck, and the other by banishing him from existance), disabled every trap in a building by triggering them, and reverted a gunslinger lich from his gas form back to solid with it.

>playing young fighter called Martin
>ex-crusader, sucker for pretty girls
>Captured by evil cleric in raider camp
>she's hot af
>getting interrogated by cleric babe
>"How many of you are there?"
>"...There is only one Martin Mortmain"

>tfw no evil cleric gf

>"Ah you see braatan, you are one in cage, and I am giant talking turtle, so let's evaluate who is calling the shots here"

"Guys, GUYS! We can't take this plan any further until we find out just how flammable all of these orphans are."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A: There are no lights showing.
B: Is it open?
C: Is this even the right place?
A: What's the sign say?

The Queens Knees
Open All Night
We Tighten Loose Ladies

C: I'm trying the door ...

>"There were no rats."

Context: hamlet hobby horse attempts deceptive romantic advances upon adventuring boxing champion by asking his assistance in pest control.

First 5th edition campaign
>playing a deranged half-elf ranger (I know I'm a faggot)
>threw my friends torn bag of holding into the water to see if it would absorb the entire ocean
>he's understandably mad, so I try to make it up to him
>find a cloak merchant and order his finest cloak
>it costs every gold piece I have
>I agree to pay it then my character has a change of heart
>comes up behind the merchant
>"what are you doing?"
>"taking your measurements"
>proceed to kill him and steal all of his cloaks

"I'm an old man, I've outlived all of my enemies. That doesn't happen by accident."
"There aren't many people alive who've cheated me, there aren't any who've cheated me twice."

Admittedly edgy, but we had all been drinking, and this was the second time the macguffin had been stolen by GM fiat, so I was justifiably annoyed in and out of character.

>Playing warlock
>Party in the underdark, fighting Mind Flayers
>Killed a few
>One addresses the party
"We are the many, you can not defeat us."
My Warlock-"Well, you're a few less now, I think."

>Party arrives
>Evil Psychic Cultists are doing some bad biz
>Bard wearing glasses enchanted vs light effects steps forward
>”We’re on a mission from Shelyn.”

"Everything happens for a reason. The reason is that you're all terrible people. So stop with this we thing, WE didn't do anything. YOU think you killed his dad, but I have the scepter, and once I get the other I'll be able to freely travel through time and make a stable loop where no one has to die."

We were 7 timeloops into a really, really weird campaign, where the dm kept trying to "trick" us into killing the "good guys" so I decided that if he wanted to fuck with timeloops I was going to fuck with them harder

>"I defend none but the helpless, the weak. That is what a samurai does..."

>"Sunshine on my face...
>Rays warm my eternal soul.
>Sunset falls on me."

Yojimbo, the street samurai reciting her death haiku as she sits on the ground, ready to be executed by her teammate in the aftermath of a run.

>In Borovia
>Attacked by animated bundles of sticks.
>My guy had an axe of wood smiting, made short work of them.
>Looks at the piles of now deceased sticks and shakes his head.
"Faggots."

youtube.com/watch?v=Djlc6uHTVmY

>sorc with some ranks in rouge
>sneak attack a guard
>kill him but fail to stealth away, before being caught misty step away
>fast forward a few sessions
>turns out guy in pursuit was the king brother
>has a suspicion that I murdered his son (turns out the guard i killed was infact his son)
>proceed to make mist puns
>"you must have mist-taken me for some other robed man"
>"its terrible that you mist nabbing your sons kill"
>"it's not the first time ive been mistooken for assasins ilk but i promise im a nothing more than a humble sorcerer"

didnt nat 20 the persuasion rolls but i rolled high enough to pass all of them

>playing a homebrew evil campain
>rolled up a succubus fighter
>lvl one, split from party as we're hunting through some buildings for some mcguffin
>get trapped in a basement with a lvl 3 lizard fighter
>certaindoom.scroll
>but wait. succubus!
"I seduce the lizardman."

the look of shock and horror on everyone's faces was well good.

Finally, we shall answer that age old addage. Does blood run thicker than semen?

Depends on the diet.

"I might be an idiot BUT I have people skills."

Our party wanted to test out some water breathing potions that we got from a shady merchant so one of them summoned a goat, fed it the potion and held it's head under water until it eventually died. After which my fighter commented: "so, now we know that it doesn't work on goats".