>Meanwhile, on Lich Veeky Forums

So, I've been thinking, and I think I've come up with a good idea as how one should improve the strength of their lesser undead minions.

Skeletons and Zombies are undead, yes, but bone marrow stays good for a very long time, right? Bone marrow's good, pretty tasty as far as I remember from life. Vampires do that thing where they inject their weird meat-teeth-juices or magic into the blood, thus transforming a victim into either their slave or another vampire-- what if we had them bite directly into the bone marrow? Skeletons have no flesh to burn, and zombies don't really lock up from fire anyhow.

Your thoughts?

Goddamnit, how many times must I explain this shit?

Vampirism is a -disease-, you pestilent waste of undeath. Your skeletons and zombies are immune to such mystical infections, as they lack a life-force to become infected by the vampire's bite. And even if you did somehow make a vampire skeleton, sunlight damages the bone structure of vampires enough that even a single step would send it crumbling into dust.

Look, we all want better, stronger undead minions, but there comes a point in every lich's unlife where we just have to accept that quantity is ALWAYS going to beat quality when it comes to lesser undead - in terms of time and resources spent to beef up even one skeleton to the point where it could lay a hand on a prepared paladin or cleric, we could instead have buried the whole damn city under a mass of necrotic servants.

Can you blame a guy for wanting to maybe up the security on his domain? A few tougher lesser undead, if viable, would do a great deal to open up my lair and various labs for actual research rather than bone-rattling and groaning in wait for the next party of would-be heroes who wish to make a name for themselves.

I guess instead perhaps I should just stick to my magical mutation research. You get quite the results when you breed insects and assorted beasts and pump the gestating young full of arcane energies, at least when they don't come out as a lump of quivering teeth, hair, and muscle.

I just wonder why any of us agreed to allow Acererak to "protect" our phylacteries. 20 intelligence and we came up with that

I find that whole skeletons are pretty fragile but that individually animated body parts are quite formidable. Nothing like Grandpa's dead kidneys eating their way out of him and attacking Grandma during the wedding

Don't tell me you handed him your real phylactery, I handed him some junk I was already throwing away

>he doesn't craft Golems

If you want a few tougher minions you should look at mid-tier undead such as wraiths and ghouls rather than beefing up lesser undead.
Golems are a bitch to maintain and are [b]expensive{/b], definitely not for everyone.

>crying about expense
200+. Go cry about it to your living family, newcorpse.

The advantage of golems is that you can build up your unholy army while not having to steal corpses or arouse suspicion. You can't walk within five metres of a graveyard these days without fifteen priests trying to burn you with holy fire.

On top of that, why aren't you working on compact golems? I've had some success with those.

I still don't get why noone is talking about oozes. I once had one get large enough to fill an entire lower chamber, made for a very efficient waste disposal system, and at the end of the day, it won't get uppity like the fleshbeasts typically do.
Also, have any of you had any successful dealings with mindflayers? I have a... venture that I would like some advice about.

By the time golems are a viable option then you should be making greater
undead instead.
How did you become a Lich without learning the proper way to rob a cemetery!? It's an instrumental part of necromancy 101.

I have employed oozes myself. I do not talk about it for personal reasons.

HEY GUYS I GOT THIS GREAT IDEA! WHAT IF WE ALL LIKE... FORMED A NATION!!!
NOW... NOW... HEAR ME OUT.
WE NEED TO SHOW THE FLESHIES THAT UNDEATH IS LIFE TOO!
WHO IS WITH ME???

Go home Szass, you're drunk

LOL suckers think they are undead?

I chose amoral immortality specifically to outlive everyone who knew me. Why the fuck would I want to be part of a nation of immortals

I'm telling you man, it's not as easy as it was in the good old days. I've got these demigod dipshits who are going after my scent like fucking bloodhounds. Not even a fragment of bone goes missing without someone raising the alarm these days. A smart lich needs to know when it's time to apply some discretion and not arouse any suspicion.

To that end, I'm going to work on my magical constructs. I can even tailor them to counter the abilities of that one adventuring party who won't leave me alone.

What said. We're all too antisocial and self-centered for a society of us to work out. It would just be a dysfunctional citadel of bony jerkasses and their mortals, or "Morties."

B-B-BUT THEN WE CAN HAVE ALL THE CORPSES! JUST THINK ABOUT THAT! ALL! THE! COOorpsSseeeee....
*zzzzzzzzzz*

Hey all been a while since I posted. See a few centuries ago I realized that a) All I really want is some peace and quite in order to get in some proper study and b) I'm no longer limited by fleshy constraints so I've spent the past couple centuries in the deepest depths of the ocean.

Once you go deep enough it really is free of distractions, so long as you stay away from things like leviathans and the like but they're easy to spot and avoid, lots of space down here.

Anywho while my studies were uninterrupted I didn't really have much in the way of raw materials to work with, that is until I realized that the ever present ooze all around me was in fact little bitty bits of dead things.

So long story short I've managed to create a sort of undead slime the size of a kingdom and now I'm not sure what to do with it, kind of just made it to see if I could and it seems wasteful just to dispose of it.

Any suggestions?

Dispose of it.

What's your wardrobe like? Keeping fashionable is an important matter of personal pride for our kind, but I'm running out of inspiration in these trying decades.

Meh if I'm going to have company I just scry the closest tailor and conjure an illusion of whatever catches my fancy for the duration of the visit.

I did that when I was mortal. Anti-magic field made a spectacle of my testicles. I don't do that anymore.

>tfw you're a geistfag but don't know how to come out to your parents about it.

Go astral for a half century, whatever you have now should have come back by then.

I'm not ready for that yet. I performed the ritual so I could remain in this world for as long as I needed to. If I pull myself away from it, I don't know how I'll feel. I can't afford to become seduced by further secrets before I learn all there is to know here.

I've never understood why we have so many different recolors of zombies with different names, and I've been a practicing student of necromancy for longer than the kingdoms around me have stood.

"Here" is much bigger than you think it is.

IF I HEAR ONE MORE SKELETON MINION SAY 'I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU' WHEN WE HAVE GUESTS I AM GOING TO CAST HIM FORTH INTO THE REALM OF THE LIVING AS A DROOLING MONGREL FUCK

My friend, if you can teach it to sustain living things then you have a viable way to farm life energy. Use it.

Personally, I have a bad habit of disintegrating things that react to my own minions that way, but I prefer to Indwell my minions briefly when they alert me to potential threats. Makes assessment and development of countermeasures far easier, at little to no risk.

>not using flesh golems infused with elemental lightning.

They are made from the trash you already have lying around, can be customized to your personal need, are still able to modified my dark magic and are immune to divine intervention.

They make great minions that save on space and allow you to express your creativity

>guests
There's your problem.

Still no advice on mindflayers it seems. I've been offered a text in exchange for labor, but I need to know what kind of shenanigans to keep an eye for, since they don't pose the same threats to Us as they do to the pinkos.

Thzal'zar does a really great astral demonstration on how to flesh sculp your minions every few decades... 246 videos in and they still always look like shit.
I was never artistically inclined but I also only have about a millennia of time trying so...

It might be looking to learn how to become an Alhoon from you, if it's an exile.

>Practicing carnomancy for months now
>Using it on myself and flesh golems i'm fiddling with
>Guests come around, i'm not ready, send one of my creatures to collect their coats and get ready as i get dressed
>Walk into hallway
>The creature i subconciously gestured to is a hammy negroid fleshed femm-golem with big ol ditties wearing nothing but an apron and a haunting rictus grin.
>In its hands boob fingers are my mum and dad's cloaks and sceptors

KILL ME.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT THESE MURDERHOBO FAGGOTS DON'T READ THE FUCKING SIGN. IT PLAINLY STATES IN ALL TONGUES THAT, AND I QUOTE, 'THE PLOT DEVELOPING MCGUFFIN IS NOT TO BE FOUND HERE, BUGGER OFF'.

Should I be worried about a few wanting to borrow a few lesser undead? I've got a fairly decent amount of them, and have been toying with an idea I heard of called the Skeleton Computer, and thus have more lesser undead than I have real need for.
My real concerns are that they would make a power play by handing me a cursed tome, wily creatures that they are.
I wish they fucking would, I've been somewhat interested in the application of necromancy to Illithid biology, but the promise of opportunity a legitimate Illithid writing offers is simply too tempting to kill them in rash action.

Daddy's back, bitches. How goes thine realms?
Since when do the greedy idiots ever read? You should set a sniper rune of Lesser Disintegration, random fools seeking glory tend to turn away when one gets a little too crispy...

Go along with it. See what you can learn. Scan the tome thoroughly before opening and get a minion to open it.

I'm having an interesting complication in my affairs. Female adventurers keep trying to jump my bones, and this hasn't happened to me, well, ever, before now. I've been able to discern that there's a bard going around and singing some kind of nefarious undertale to the masses, corrupting their sexual appetites and driving them to pursuing us, who have nothing to offer them. Also...it makes me nervous. What am I to do about this?

Favorite objects to use as false phylacteries? I'm getting sick of the Altar of Bone, it's getting old after all these millenia.

Lockets with faded portraits of happy-looking women or families inside them. They fall for those every single time.

Sniper runes of lesser disintegration huh? Hmm, yes with several crossing lanes of fire across the bridge... Yes this is an excellent idea, thank you brother

The orb of darkness is my old standby. It's too powerful-looking for them to question. Most of them, anyway, but I don't keep my real one in this dungeon anymore, so it doesn't really matter.

WE ARE ALL
WE SEE ALL
CAN WE BORROW A FEW LESSER UNDEAD?
WE HAVE ELDRITCH KNOWLEDGE TO TRADE IN EXCHANGE.

/pal/ here, just informing you that instead of wasting your life on undeath rituals you could have gotten a nun gf like us redpotioned folk

If I marry a succubus queen to increase my holdings and try to continue the old Lich tradition created by the Great Koschei who plowed princess he took, how do I have sex with her when I have no flesh or libido?

Neither of us are getting laid, so what's the difference?

I've got a whole coven, what is your point?
And don't get shitty with me, pretty boy. Ainz Ooal Gown does not know defeat, not even from the likes of you.

You mean you're a lich with the power and ambition to marry a demon queen but you haven't mastered the polymorph spell? C'mon man, be creative, succubi love that.

Bind a Mohrg's parasite to your senses and use it as a phallus if you don't want to compromise, or just polymorph into whatever you or the queen want that comes in living and bepenised. Libido is a matter of will.

The succubi queen has her kingdom built on the drained bodies of thousands of men and it is ever growing. I would save time, getting corpses for my army from her for free then going out and acquiring them myself.

I fear I will also look fat if I have too much skin hiding my bones.

>Bind a Mohrg's parasite to your senses and use it as a phallus.
Thank dear, Lich.

Tie her up and torture her.

>I fear I will also look fat if I have too much skin hiding my bones.
The dramatic weight loss was a plus for me to this whole undeath thing, I won't lie. I got pretty grossly large sitting around in libraries all the time back in the day. It's understandable not ever wanting to go back to that.

>I fear I will look fat if I have too much skin hiding my bones.
That's probably her fetish. In fact, nearly everything you do will be her fetish because succubi are the living incarnation of fetishism.
Besides, it's temporary, unlive a little and experiment with something other than undead for once.

Hang on I gotta go hide my phylacrty in that one user's ass

How long am I and my skeleton soldiers are suppose to soak in milk baths to get our daily dosage of calcium? I don't want to risk getting too much and having my bones become frail? Also is it better for one to run their own milk farm or to simply continue ordering the milk from a supplier? I think those Paladins are trying to get the dairy farmers to raise the price of their milk because they know I don't own a milk farm and rely on them.

Good luck, there really isn't much room left, and he's starting to feel it.

>>wasting resources on lesser undead.
IGGYSHIGGYDIGGYDIDGERIDOOOOOOO

What about making a replica of your body and faking a magical experiment going wrong? They find your fucked-up corpse, some brainwashed unattended minions and an unstable hole into the plane of lightning, and waste time closing it while believing you weakened in your phylactery

What about the name? Deyja rolls right from the rat tail I use as a tongue.

You have to convince the 'flayers you are worth their attention. Going straight to the Elder Brain pod without being detected would be a good demonstration to start.

Any kingdoms in the area? You know what to do.

You could use that as an excuse to start experimenting with flesh grafting. No, I don't mean "grow yoruself a dick", I mean that girls coming to you on their own is a great source of meat and, if you posess the necessary knowledge, can be transformed into breeding pods for your horrible monsrosity horde.

shapechange into a Kraken with whatever fun modification you can think of

WE ARE ALL.
WE SEE ALL.
WE WOULD LIKE TO BORROW SOME LESSER UNDEAD, AND WOULD LIKE TO OFFER ILLITHID TOMES IN RETURN FOR YOUR AID.

Just get a qt3.14 female lich and you can rule the undead together.

Just go demi already and have a polymorphed servant buy a gallon a day or so. Completely gets rid of all suspicions.

>tfw female lich and adventurers call you by male pronouns just because you no longer have boobs

Learn to bone structure, you fleshy fuck.

Ayo, I'll show you a fleshy fuck

Hey fellow liches! I'm in quitethe dilemma, it seems flesh has finally decided to rot away (thank fuck!) but now it seems my bones won't stop smelling bad, do you guys have any methods to get rid of this smell?

Bones shouldn't smell bad. It means there are still some fleshy bits stuck here and there, or that the bones aren't clean. I'd suggest Dermestidae or maggots to get rid of the last few bits, they work very well. Be sure to contain them properly, Dermestidae can also eat a lot of other things.
Faster solutions include bathing in boiling water or boiling lye, but both methods can damage the bone, especially lye.
If you find the thought of letting vermin eat your rotting pieces repulsive, bathing for a few days in plain water can also work. Make sure to go through soapy water afterwards to get your bones squeaky clean.

What about cryomancy? It helps the newly ded stay fresh and smart for years

"Chill of the grave" is so cliche.

>He didnt learn cryomancy before he died and applied on himself on death
Enjoy being skeletor, while I screw some wenches with my 810 year old schlong intact

It is cliché for a reason, like said

Gentle repose every day here
It's tiresome, but worth it

I did specify 'lesser undead'. Cryomancy is a workable, if somewhat inelegant solution to decay - though I have to say that if you're inactive enough that your zombies have time to decay, then you probably don't need zombies in the first place. Besides, they're easy enough to raise en masse that you really shouldn't be storing them in large quantities long term.

My digga right here. This guy knows what's what.

>wasting your time on fruitless imitation mating
Eight centuries after life and you're still a prisoner to its habits. Pathetic.

jokes on you asshole

am in a long term relationship with a Lich Priestess

currently ruling a city state from the shadow but I think we'll move to a demiplane in a few years