Storythread

Ok so I posted this somewhere else a few months back, but I think its Storythread material

Angus McWurf's Wednesday of Doom
Babbalcloacht the Horrific entered the house of the dying man, the man had promised him his soul after his death in exchange for awesome magical powers, namely shooting lasers out of his fingers, Babbalcloacht had found it amusing that the man would give himself up for such a petty reason, but still, that talent, used right, could have made him a very rich man.
The eldritch being made its way to the man's bedroom, it had a plaque reading "Angus McWurf's Room of Magic", with a small inscription under the text saying "where the magic happens", Babbalcloacht found it amusing but at the same time ridiculous.
As he opened the door, Babbalcloacht saw not just the dying old Angus with the laser fingers, but also Clagaroth the Festerous, a fellow eldritch horror. Needless to say Babbalcloacht was livid.
-MAY I INQUIRE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? - roared Babbalcloacht the Horrific
-BABB? WHY ARE YOU HERE? THIS IS MY SOUL, THIS MORTAL FOOL SOLD IT TO ME WHEN HE WAS 12.- answered Clagaroth.
At this point the eldritch abominations looked like they would start a fight, both looked like they would pounce at each other and have a world shattering duel right there.
-Come on Babb. - muttered Angus from his deathbed- it’s not like I'm chained to just you.
-WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE HELLS DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO SOULS WHEN YOU SELL THEM TO SOMEONE?
-Dont know, do I like, live in their realm for eternity or something?
-NO YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT, YOU GET EATEN- said Clagaroth
-WHAT DID HE TRADE HIS SOUL FOR WITH YOU CLAG?
-Babes- answered McWurf.
-HE WAS 12 I DONT BLAME HIM.
-MCWURF, YOU FUCKER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS, I CAME FOR PAYMENT, AND IM NOT LEAVING WITHOUT IT- yelled Babb, taking the form of a thin, spiky 3-meter-tall shadow being with blades for arms.

He walked to McWrf's side with his arms held high and was promptly tackled by Clagaroth who himself had become a small dragon-like creature made of smoke.
-BITCH YOU AIN'T TAKING HIM, HE'S MINE! - Clag roared charging him down.
The two pummeled each other with strikes as McWurf yawned at his bed, not capable of dying due to his soul being bound by the two horrors, he looked out the window muttering something along the lines of "right on time" as a living pile of blood crawled into the room spilling from the crack in the window, it flowed up and took a humanoid form.
-Bloooooooooooooooood- It whispered.
At the corner of the room Babb and Clag were still punching, biting and slashing at each other, Babb had accidentally beheaded the Butler who had come to check what the fuss was about, Babb stopped however and looked at the blood man that had formed at the window, recognizing the aura of Kruvet the Bloody (Which he found amusing seeing as Kruvet was literally a pool of blood).
-STOP BITING ME CLAG, SOMEONE ELSE IS HERE.
Clag stopped and examined the other end ot the room.
-Blooooooooooooooooood - muttered Kruvet.
-YEAH, FIGURED, THIS FUCKER SOLD HIS SOUL TO US AS WELL- answered Clag.
-WHAT DID HE TRADE YOU FOR? - inquired Babb.
-Blooooooooooooooooooooood, Blooooood, Bloooooooood blood. -Explained Kruvet.
-YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER- Clag said in disgust to McWurf, who at this point was probably too jaded with reality to actually give a shit.
-BLOOOOOOD- yelled Kruvet coming at McWurf to harvest him, he was a few centimeters away before he got fireblasted by the dragon form Clagaroth.
-BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! - He yelled charging into the other two monstrusities in a rage slamming into Babb, hitting him like a siege ram.

The eldritch beings grew in size and strength, getting ready for a real fight among themselves, Claggaroth came in roaring out fire from his mouth hitting the other two with full brunt, sending both flying against one of the walls, Kruvet went solid and attacked back, hitting the dragon-like Clagg in the mouth with a punch sending him flying towards the wall he was opposite to, appearently dissipating with the impact. Before he could turn and deal with Babb, he was cut in half, which was not a problem at all since Kruvet was literally just blood.
Babbalcloacht watched as his opponent liquefied again and reformed, as Kruvet started to solidify, the blade armed demon bisected him vertically.
-LETS SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN KEEP REFORMING YOU FUCK – He bellowed.
Kruvet liquefied again and swiftly flowed between Babb’s legs appearing behind him, quickly solidifying and grabbing his arm before tugging it with force, Babbalcloacht’s arm snapped off with a nasty *CRACK* and the blade armed demon fell screaming, he had underestimated Kruvet and now was at his mercy, only seeing the now formless Kruvet flowing upright, forming a blood pillar, but before he could do anything, a roaring Claggaroth shot a massive fireblast at the blood pillar completely evaporating him.
Claggaroth then leapt at the seemingly unconscious Babbalcloacht, expecting it to be an easy kill, he opened his maw but before he could do anything the bladed demon sprang into action and, with a swift cut, beheaded him, the smoke dissipated shortly after and Babb stood up in pain.
He realized he was the last one standing and slowly and menacingly walked towards McWurf who appeared mildly amused at the entire fight, the demon decided to start a victory speech.

-YOU ARE MINE NOW MCWURF, COME AND MEET YOUR...- he was cut short by McWurf who shot him with his laser fingers, taking his head clean off, the eldritch being was too weakened to survive it.
McWurf took out a list with some 100 names from under his bed and crossed 3 of them, some 50 had already been crossed out, before going back to napping, he thought to himself "one more month of this nonsense and I'm probably immortal".

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You've heard the stories about us. The reptilians who've infiltrated mankind, dedicated to overthrowing the governments of the world and supplanting them with more reptilians. That we'll stop at nothing to subjugate the entire planet, from eating babies to sabotaging entire economies.

Really, humanity's just way too paranoid. I don't care about world conquest. I'm no vanguard for some greater armada of fearsome conquerors with starships capable of destroying stars with the push of a button. I don't even have some sort of super-cool laser capable of reducing people into some sort of dust. All my sidearm does is just stun people long enough for me to run away. What is true is that I am part of human society. I've lived among their peoples for several of this world's centuries. I have been witness to countless incredible technological and social breakthroughs.

All I can say is that I am glad they have come so far. From a rigid and suffocating world that feared everything they came across as evil and forbidden, I saw humanity become something more compassionate, wizened, and more fearless as the years passed and their powers grew. Perhaps they know nothing about traversing the stars as I have, but knowing how quickly they have come to understand interplanetary travel, I would like to give them at least a century or two before they may finally go interstellar. At that point, I'd have to hand in my report and make the last judgment.

My homeworld is part of a larger intergalactic federation. We've coexisted for centuries together, trading our resources and exchanging our cultures in ways probably unimaginable to humanity. We also look for other populated worlds, looking for other cultures and species to integrate into our fold - it's my job to survey these planets in advance and judge their risk when they become capable of space-faring, so we can decide when to introduce them to our federation.

Some of my people are worried about this planet, however. Some of these concerns are fully relevant. They worry about the destructive costs for man's progress. They fear that the environmental damage that has been made is already irreversible and if they are allowed to travel beyond their world, only more destruction will result. Some fear that the isolationist nature of some of their kind would spoil attempts at diplomacy.

I know these are risks to take. I cannot guarantee that these issues are going to be solved by the time I submit my report, but what I can do is give a proper push. I'm already living among them, so what harm is it if I drop in a suggestion or two? Disguise it for the sake of profitability, tell them about how much bigger their audience can get, and results just might happen when they least expect it. If they listen and put it to use in the right way, they might even reach the stars sooner than I can imagine.

I think that's why I picked this world. I saw a lot of potential in their progress. I noticed that they had the ability to answer questions we had struggled for years to answer with a combination of dumb luck and dedication I fear the Federation has missed out on in our hunt for civilized order. I hope that I am proven right, not for the fame or any of that, but because I've grown attached to this world during my stay here. I've come to feel that its plights are mine, and that their work is a reflection of my own.

I can't quite say that this is the proper way to gauge a world's likelihood of joining. Our confederation had not found a new civilization in a very long time, and our records of the integration of other societies are ultimately only stories with as much value as the words have. The council that judges these civilizations as worthy is not here to tell me what to do, so I can only hope that I am doing the right thing and learn from it.

Nice, very amusing story. A few sentences could be shorter though.

Well written and intriguing. Is this part of a bigger work?

So folks, any thoughts so far on my story for last thread since previous ended so quickly just as I finished?

Tis okay??

I'll read it.. Just give me like a 2 week to finish it though.

Thank you, here's a link to a GD folder with ebook formats for easier reading.
drive.google.com/open?id=1Cu1ZzdMeUPThTPwCDiY9HjJLswhCHmCk

I think it's a good idea for a scene but your prose needs a little work.

A nice discussion was starting in the other thread.
( )
I think this is very doable in writing, though it has to be quick. Dialogue tags and descriptions are good places for it.

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First-off, congratulations for actually getting that much written down. Even if you only did one draft that's a significant effort. Good job.

I thought you did a decent job of developing Rowan - the change from reluctance to determination, why she does the things she does etc.
The bits that really shone for me were when she killed the ork she'd blinded, and taking Veldt through the tunnel.
It felt like you were at your best when the story comes solely from what she could see (3rd person limited). i guess this makes sense seeing as it's your character so you've spent more time in their head.

A few suggestions

1. The specific words you use are important, because they have a large impact on tone. Early on you describe the river as 'stinky'. If you were writing from a child's pov that would be great, but it doesn't fit with the rest of Rowan's dialogue. An adult would probably use 'stinking'.
I get that English is a second language for you, so this probably won't come easily, but it's something to bear in mind and I think it would make a big difference.

2. Dialogue should tell us more about the characters (and their state of mind) as well as moving the plot along. You do quite a good job of showing some of the differences between characters early on, but it felt like there was less of this the further i read.
I would have liked a bit more description of HOW people say their lines. This also felt like it started strong but petered out.

-- don't know how i even did that with the screenshot---

3. More consistent description. it felt like there were some oddities in terms of what was described and what wasn't. I'm assuming some of this is because there are shared assumptions when writing in an established setting, but adding a few details would help to bring things to life.
For example the guards on the gate when they leave the city aren't mentioned until you say they are laughing. Inserting a brief description of the guards' appearance and demeanor towards the adventurers before this moment would have been nice and added some flavour to the world.

4. In my opinion, the elf captain gets over the perceived betrayal too quickly. He's in a murderous rage, gets thrown in a cage and then simmers down and is friendly.
I know i'm paraphrasing, but he's had three years to brood on this, he isn't going to let it go quickly. This could also be another opportunity for Veldt to do what is right, not what is expedient.
The bit at the end where the elf is acting paternal and gives Rowan the bow feels too nice and tidy. He might have sort-of got over things, but he's still a chump and it's asking me to suspend my disbelief slightly too much to believe he's actually an ok guy.

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Thanks for the feedback, and the criticism is spot-on. Very useful advice.

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so, can I post fanfics here

sure, go ahead

wait a minute
working on a mod

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No worries

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>Shadman

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>one of the last campaigns we had a Kobold Bard
>the jackass really wanted to play party face, so he maxed out diplomacy
>Diplomacy'd everyone
>ends up charming enemies into giving us some of their stolen treasures
>buys rings of Tongues & Speak with plants/animals and diplomacy's everything
>DM finally gets tired of his shit & tries throwing us at the one thing he thought would never be diplomacy'd, a fucking dragon
>it kills 2 of us, then the Bard just blows through everything
>dozens of magic items activated, some potions drunk, and even some house ruled items that the bard uses to boost his rolls
>bard needs at least an 18 to get a good diplomacy on the dragon
>NATURAL FUCKING TWENTY
>his diplomacy: he yells out in Draconic "WANNA FUCK?"
>we all burst out laughing as the DM just starts headbutting his desk
>we started a new session like a month later that started with us finding a kobold skeleton like pic related

Noice

Saved for later reading. It's nanowrimo so I'm always picking up ideas. Thank you sir

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I’ve found myself with some free time in the last couple of days (thanks, quitting porn!) so ive started writing pulp inspired adventure. It’s mostly just to keep my brain busy for a while before bed, but I wanted to know what someone thought of last nights story.
docs.google.com/document/d/1Y3hCQLSpaeO9tEwkEHOzjIs1-gnqpoXy0Op48W4UeBA
Let me know what you think!

I tried quitting porn. But I can't quit if I do I start writing smut. Half my stories are smut Cleaned up.

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Hey Chronics, curious. When are you's gonna include the Cosmic Shadow Spawn girlfriend story in the wiki age soon?

Just curious as to when?

Please, I just want to understand.

It'll get uploaded with the rest of the stories from the last thread; I didn't upload the first version because there was an edit.

As to when I'll upload the stories from the last thread, it'll happen when I have a spare hour or two. I've been kinda busy lately.

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